Scared - The Captain/Shaubby/Readers please help - was doing ok, messed up :(

  • Dear Readers,

    In a nutshell, I think i got screwed over by someone I cared about. Someone I thought cared about me. He has now cut me out of his life - seemingly because of an external circumstance in which others are misunderstanding the nature of our relationship.

    My senses tell me there's more to this than he let on. And he's actually doing this to protect someone else, like maybe there is a partner involved and my presence is complicating things.

    He said he's doing this to protect me and himself, and at first I thought I could accept this reasoning. But now I'm feeling betrayed by his actions. Like why would he not defend me? I would do that if I were him. Instead his solution is to no longer associate with me, so others can't say anything.

    I don't know if he's telling the truth or being only partially truthful. Also, I feel incredibly betrayed by his actions. Like why would he not defend me? Or why are people's idle gossip more important than our friendship? The harsh truth I'm only beginning to realise is that I was less important to him than I thought.

    Anyway, the outcome is that I'm now having to let go of someone who is significant to me. Traditionally, this is my Archilles Heel.

    I battled depression 2 years ago partially also from feeling disowned, betrayed by a partner. I emerged stronger, wiser and with a fuller personality. But now I'm terribly afraid that this current episode will return me to that state.

    There's a part of me who believes him - that he's doing this for 'noble reasons'. But - but unlike him, I'm unable to dissociate from my feelings. Unlike him, I'm not willing to lose friends over something like this. I would fight to protect my friends n friendships.

    Seems like I can handle lots of things, except this type of stuff - it is my weakness.

    At the back of my mind, I know that I'm in a much better place than I was 2 years ago. That I'm better placed to deal with this.

    I want to move forward and I don't know how. I will still have to encounter him.

    Anyone? What do you see/feel of the current circumstances surrounding this unfortunate incident, and of me and him. What does he feel of me at this point? What can I do to help myself move on?

  • Danceur, no, you don't now exactly what you would do if you were him because you don't know his situation. You can't judge someone when you don't know exactly what's going on for them. If you are a true friend, then you will accept what he tells you and not be so suspicious and hurt. I see your self-doubt and lack of self-belief kicking in here. Assuming that you know why someone does anything or what they are thinking is one of the biggest mistakes we humans make here on earth.

    If letting go is your Achilles Heel, is it any wonder the Universe sends you situations that test you on this very issue? And will continue to do so until you let go of feelings of hurt and betrayal. You take things too personally, but other people's lives are not just about you. Your ex-friend obviously has many things he is having to deal with in his life and is finding it difficult to cope. You must respect his feelings and not heap blame, suspicion, and anger onto him.

    You move on simply by accepting that some things are not about you and that maybe it's not betrayal as you see it because you don't know exactly what occurred. Your depression comes from presuming you know the full extent of a situation when most of the time we can't know it. Why tear yourself up in knots over things that are really nothing to do with you?

    The bottom line is you fear you are a bad person and that people betray you (as you see it) because you are unlovable. But you don't need validation from other people to be confident in your worth. If you don't want to return to your former state of depression, lighten up and don't take life or love so seriously. You have to learn to trust that things will turn out all right and that situations happen beyond all our control. You have to relax and let go of old hurts and wounds. Healing begins when you release the past and no longer need other people to make you feel valuable and lovable.

    Forget the past. Start afresh today!

  • Captain,

    Thanks - I needed that. Sorry, I think I wrote that when i was feeling very emotional.

    Actually, I don't fear that I'm bad and unlovable. I do have self-worth. But yes it is shaky at times because - in some ways, I am holding on to old hurts, things which made me feel unlovable. Even tho I've moved on and healed so much from the past, there's already a weakness there. I was betrayed in the past (not my perception, it actually happened). Hence a hair-trigger reaction when it looks like a friend is not standing by me.

    Also it's a matter of expectations. I thought we were close enough not to warrant this kind of outcome.

    Feelings aren't wrong, they just are. Of course, in this matter, there are many variables. And it's not that simple. When I thought about it just now, I realise that I do trust that he's doing what he has to do - and it may well have zilch to do with me.

    But, in any case the outcome is the same. That's what makes it hard to accept.

    The sadness comes from losing his friendship.

    I'm still me without him, still valuable and lovable. I've got other friends. But his friendship made me very happy. Even tho our friendship was new, it was very special to me. And it seemed to me, he felt that too. We had fun together. To not be able to interact with him any more is painful. To have to behave like a stranger when we run into each other from now on is painful too.

    But like you have advised, and which i really appreciate - I want to start afresh. Though I feel sad, I want to believe that this will work out. And I will be ok. That though I gained much happiness from interactions with my friend, and can no longer do so, that there will be other things that bring happiness as well.

    Thank you so much for your advice, Captain. Today is a better day for me. I know I'll still struggle for some time about this, but I really hope I'll learn to let go and not look back.

  • If you live your present always expecting the sort of behaviour you got from others in the past, then your expectations will be fulfilled.

  • Ok Captain,

    I have some more questions.

    I admit that I trust very few people. Somehow, I just sense whom I can trust and whom I can't, from observing their behavior. I don't mean to judge nor to test others - for lack of a less awful explanation, I just instinctively size people up. This is a Scorpio thing, yes?

    I'm friendly by nature and can set people at ease. I believe people are inherently decent so I give most people functional trust.

    But it's only the few whom I really trust, who end up being my close friends. With these people, I trust that they will not hurt me and they will always have my best interests at heart.

    I'm able to let it go easily when I'm hurt by people who are outside my inner circle. I may get upset but i let it go really fast.

    It's when I'm hurt by the inner circle of people (which includes family), that the wounds linger.

    Not talking about normal, garden variety kind of upsetting incidentts/behavior. Cos family can get on each others nerves easily cos we're close. I mean the type of thing with my friend, which i described above.

    Because i trust implicitly that my real friends will not do things to hurt me, I do not expect it to happen - ever. Then, like in this case, I got blindsighted. And it hurts to the core.

    I don't feel I expect to be treated badly. In fact, I always hope things will be better in the future. Its that I don't forget that I was treated badly. And I'm aware that bad things do happen. So I don't completely let my guard down. Because I never want to reach the level of devastation that i did in the past, when i gave my trust blindly. That intertwines with the issue of holding on to the past.

    I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm confused where in this is the problem? What is the thing that is causing me to either attract these situations or to become so hurt that I lose my way and my head.

    Also, I've come to realise that though I don't go chasing friendships or relationships, and have functioned well on my own - that deep down, I do not want to be on my own and I feel very lonely.

    It's a strange thing wherein I enjoy my freedom and doing stuff on my own alot, but I really would prefer also having the ability to do them with a partner. I'm kinda sick of being alone - even tho I can be alone - and i don't wanna be.

    I feel that I'm lovable, have love to give and want to do the whole give and take. And I keep wondering why a loving relationship eludes me. I'm so willing to try and learn, provided there is a good match, but then there are no takers, no opportunities.

    With my situation with my friend, I didn't know him long enough to know his full character. But I sense that we might have developed a really good friendship. I think he would have been a good and loyal friend. And I would have been that for him too.

    He is someone who has been hurt a lot and who closed off to protect himself. And then over time, he found he could trust again so he let people in. And then people have hurt him again now. So he's shutting off to protect himself.

    It's not unlike what happened to me in the past. I do understand where he is coming from. But I still feel sad. Cos he did choose to retain some of his friends. But just not me. He cut me off.

    Strip away the anger and what's left - I miss him. Very very much. I'm mourning the loss of him.

  • Yes it's the Scorpion nature to delve into psyhcological aspects. But I feel you are misreading your friend's behaviour and assessing it by the past behaviour of other people. I don't feel he betrayed you at all - he may even have saved you from greater hurt and humiliation. You need to learn new ideas and attitudes about what friends do for each other.

    You get back what you give out. So, by being wary and holding yourself back in giving your full trust, you attract people who are the same as you. They don't trust you completely and pull back just like your friend did. As you said "He is someone who has been hurt a lot and who closed off to protect himself. And then over time, he found he could trust again so he let people in. And then people have hurt him again now. So he's shutting off to protect himself." See the pattern? Like attracts like. If you want to attract people who are open and trusting, you have to be that way yourself. It's only fair to expect the same of yourself as you expect of others.

  • Ok I'm willing to see that this could have been for my good. Like I said, the hurt comes from missing him. I don't want to be angry about this already.

    I don't like the outcome, I don't like feeling sad, but it is also out of my control. I just want to make peace with it and move forward. someone suggested that i ignore his existence from now on, because he will likely do that to me first. It frightens me to hear that. I care about him and I don't do that to people i care about. I wanna be able to let it go and not be upset, even if he ignores me to my face.

    I see the logic in some of the things yr saying and thanks for sounding it out. But there are things you've said which don't sound like me at all.

    I consider myself rather open. And I don't walk on eggshells around people, wary that they will hurt me. That's not how it is. I trust that most people are inherently decent.

    But surely it is ok to use discretion in trusting people, esp those you want to be closer with? Cos I did trust him - hence my emotional outburst. If i didn't, it would not have mattered to me what he did.

    I'm confused - do you know what i mean? Is it that I'm misreading what i do - that I think I'm a certain way, but I'm really not? Or maybe I don't understand the underlying stressor or it does not feel that way to me but an observer can see it?

  • Were you hoping for a romantic involvement with this man? Because that would explain your anger and hurt feelings. Admitting your true feelings and motives will help you see more clearly and to heal.

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