MyJourney May I please learn from your experience
I left a post for you on the other forum. I would like to know what you think and see for me. Hope all is well with you, my friend.
Hi Ruby, well i felt honored really i did, i am such a baby picking up on others, that its only like words that just pop into my head...I will Tell you though its a huge trust issue that is blocking you from fully committing to marriage theres allot of past hurt from your husband who passed and also now with the lack of trust your feeling with your fiance...I know if you can forgive and let some of the hurt out i do feel like the two of you will be married but i can't tell you when......sorry that i can't offer you a reading like the other gifted readers can.but this is what i felt, but i think you know this yourself...anything else you want to chat about just call
Peace,Love and Light
Hi Ruby me again, i dug up an old post from when my user name was shatz, this will give you some idea what i went through it just might be similar on the parts about drugs...
Below is a post I wrote to a woman who lost her husband, it took me several attempts to write about losing my own partner,though her loss wasn't suicide.I felt i needed to help her find the courage to move on, I am still in contact with her on another thread,i just wanted to let you know that i was afected by suicides with a brother and sister also, so yes a survivor we are Ruby...i hope this was okay to let you know this without triggering any pain for you again...sorry its long...
I didn’t want to respond to your post because of my fear to open my wounds again from the death of my partner who died tragically November 5, 2006. 3 months before that my father passed away. I hadn’t dealt with my father, then BANG my partner…we have a daughter together, she is now 10 years old. She was 6 years old at the time of his death…I found my partner just a few feet from my house in an abandoned house, before that I prayed to my dad that I needed help to find Jeff…I walk up our alleyway and something forced me to stop, I know it was my dad, I looked over the fence trembling and I seen my partner hunched over…I called my sister who lived up the street from me, and her and her boyfriend went in through the front of the house and yelled at me to call 911 it was my partner Jeff. He was snoring, but really he was unconscious, I didn’t know at the time but he was using heroin that it self through me into another place…They striped him of his clothing while giving him some kind of shot incase he was overdosing on drugs, but he didn’t wake up…He was in ICU hooked up to any monitor, you can imagine. Just a blanket blowing with hot air to warm his body up.
OH MY GOD THIS IS SO HARD BUT I NEED TO HELP YOU SEE THAT YOU WILL BE OKAY GOING THROUGH THIS TERRIBLE LOSS YOUR FEELING, I NEED FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE LOSS YOU ARE FEELING IS A LOSS THAT NO ONE CAN DESCRIBE UNLESS YOU HAVE FELT IT THROUGH THE DEPTH OF YOUR SOUL….I FEEL YOUR PAIN AND LOSS AND MY HEART CRIES FOR YOU.
MY PARTNER NEVER MADE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT BUT I KNOW HE HEARD ME SPEAK TO HIM…IT WAS A STUPID FIGHT WE HAD THE NIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT THE HOUSE OVER A DIRTY DISH WASHER, LONG STORY MY DEAR, BUT WHAT I’M GETTING AT WAS THE GUILT THAT I FOUGHT FOR THE 3 YEARS WOULD HAVE, COULD HAVE SHOULD HAVE, THOSE THOUGHTS FLEW AROUND ME LIKE A SWARM OF BEES..THEN THE ANGER OF HIM LEAVING HIS BEAUTIFULL DAUGHTER…
I HAD A COMPLETE BREAK DOWN, I NEVER HAVE FELT A LOSS LIKE THAT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND BELIEVE ME I HAVE LOSS, A BROTHER AND SISTER WHO TOOK THEIR LIVES, BUT NOTHING CAN PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR BET FRIEND DIEING.
JUST, KEEP THE FAITH THROUGH ALL OF THIS; I WAS SOOOOO ANGRY AT GOD, THAT I LOST MY FAITH ANOTHER GUILT I HAD TO FACE.
FAT FORWARD TODAY, I WROTE A LOT OF LETTERS TO MY PARTNER, FIRST,TO FORGIVE ME, THEN SOMETHING I’M NOT PROUD OF BUT IT HAS TO BE SAID, THAT I WAS ANGRY AT HIM, THEN THE LAST ONE WAS, HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM, FOR WHO HE WAS, AND HOW MUCH JOY HE BROUGHT INTO MY LIFE. THESE LETTERS WERE SPACED OUT. EACH LETTER I READ OUT LOUD AND THEN I BURNT THEM, EACH TIME I FELT A LITTLE PEACE.
I’M GOING TO FAST FORWARD NOW, I AM HAPPY AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME, NEVER DID I EVER,EVER SEE MYSELF IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP,BUT ITS BEEN OVER A YEAR NOW WITH MY NEW PARTNER, MY DAUGHTER IS DOING BETTER EACH DAY,BUT I HAD LEARNED ALSO THAT CHILDREN GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY…
MY LITTLE GIRL ASKED ME THE OTHER DAY IF I LOVED MY NEW PARTNER BETTER…BOOM, I FELT A TWINGE OF GUILT, THEN I TOLD HER THAT I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER DADDY, AND I LOVE P IN A DIFFERENT WAY.
I WILL NEVER FORGET MY PARTNER, AND I STILL HAVE DAYS WHERE I MISS HIM TERRIBLY….THAT WILL NEVER GO AWAY…
I’M SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG BUT I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW YOUR NOT ALONE, JUST TAKE BABY STEPS AND I PROMISE YOU, IT WILL BE OKAY.
another part that i had added about my new partner who i am still involved with but on shaky ground, its mostly me though:)
I just wanted to clarify about my new partner "comments", my peace came from within me, not my new partner....after lots of work on myself and finding peace again....
i joined face book and started getting back in touch with my friendships that i let disintegrate over that time, and it was an old classmate that i graduated with over 30 years ago i met for coffee, nothing from our past had to do with boyfriend girlfriend stuff, we just hung around the same groups...I don't know how, or why it happened but we became apart of each others life, we talked allot about my partner who passed away and my daughter and sons....Then love came into the picture.
I am in noway saying go out and find someone i hope that was not my impression. I wanted to just let you know you will be smiling one day, and I still cry on Jeff's birthdays, anniversaries, fathers day etc.
I read your post 3 times. I felt your horror and your pain. I also know your guilt. 2006 was a crappy year for both of us. Like I said before, you also had a child to be concerned for. I don't know where that strength comes from. It is hard enough to take care of yourself in times of trauma, much less a little girl who has had her father die. I admire you. Really I do.
My brother and my father also committed suicide. My brother when he was 21 years old. My dad because he was an alcoholic and wouldn't stop drinking. My ex I found when he didn't show up for work. We had a terrible fight because he was dating a woman he had known from high school. They had been dating for 2 months. He had called to tell me he was divorcing me so he could marry her. I needed his health insurance because I was still getting treatments for cancer. If we divorced, I lost all my benefits. I told him he had been married all his life and maybe he should live with her for a while and see how it went. A few days later they broke up and he called to say he wasn't going to divorce me right now. That was the last time we talked. His work called me to say he had not showed up for work and didn't answer his phone. I drove to his house and his car was there but he didn't answer the door. I called 911 and they said they would send someone out. I waited for a while and then decided to see if the door was locked. It wasn't and when I opened it, he had hung himself. I could not believe what I saw tho I only saw him for 3 seconds. I called 911 back and told them they needed to get here NOW !! He had left a suicide note. It was not to me but to his new girlfriend. That brought me some comfort. I spoke to her later and she could have cared less. She said he was "weird" and wouldn't leave her alone. That brought out the anger in me. All she wanted to know was HOW he killed himself. I never did tell her. For some reason, at the time, it gave me some power not to let her know.
Oh Shelia, we loved them so much and they didn't love themselves. What could we have done differently? The guilt, anger and absolute Fury just churns in your gut for such a long time. Tears came to my eyes when I read that you were talking to your man and I know he heard you. I also like the part about writing letters to him. I might try that as I have so many things I never got to say. I wish I knew more about him being bipolar. I remember asking him what was wrong and why was he so mean and angry about everything. The eyes that looked back at me had no depth and no soul.
Well, that part of our life has come and gone. I am so happy that you have met someone. I like what you told your daughter about this being a " different " kind of love. It sure is.
I go 1 time a year to see a rather famous psychic. He said my ex was there with my mom. He said he was so sorry, he had lost his way in life and wanted me to know that it wasn't my fault. He did love me. I felt better, but of course, it takes 2 to break up a marriage.
I wish us both happiness in our lives. We have learned lessons and still have more to learn. This has been good for me and I hope good for you. I try to remember " Let go and Let God." It is hard, but there is no other way.
Take care my friend and please keep in touch.
Hi Ruby, sorry its taken me a bit to get back to you, i had to re read your post a few times to see if somehow we weren't related...:) maybe another life perhaps. Yes, to your answer this has been good for me...I still try and hide those feelings, that are etched in my heart. I still can't have any pictures of Jeff around me, my daughter has them in her room...then sometimes they go missing maybe the pain bothers her at times...one day i pray with all that i have in me, is to sit with my daughter and go through all the pictures with us...i just want to be in a place that i will be strong enough to open old wounds that have not been healed...Ruby, i am getting better though, and the guilt of course plays over in my head that i should do this for my little girl...
My father also was an alcoholic, along with other family members...I come from a large family of twelve...6 girls, 6 boys...
sorry i have to end this, i have a few things to do yet with my morning, i just wanted to respond to you and let you know i was thinking of you...talk more soon...
love and light
ps love the chill pill remark by the way lol...
This post is deleted!
i was thinking about you, wondering how you have been...
we are doing a sort of energy circle this upcoming Sunday, 7am pacific time, you might be interested..heres the thread link. below
I hope i am not intruding but i came here out of curiosity when i seen the tread ,Ruby Sheila knows a lot of my story and i know a lot of hers and she has been my best friend here and i feel for both of you and what you have gone threw but Sheila knows to that there is a better life and hope and i am grateful for you sharing your story it helps me remember what i have so much to be grateful for, come july 23 i will be sober for 27 years i dont know why some make it and a lot dont i just know Father had other planes for me i tried to kill myself also it took 3 paramedics to find a heart beat and the doctor said i should of been dead and they done all they could do it was in Gods hands but i was given another chance at life and i gave my self to my Father to do with me as he willed and i have had a lot of ups and downs and he has brought me here to this forum during one of my darkest times a divorce and i have been to he*ll and back trying to understand why or if i did something to cause it ,but i found a lot of comfort here from a lot of people who cared and Sheila has been there for me all threw it she is a very dear friend and i know she can help you a lot and if there is any thing i can do to help let me know ,it does get easier and i dont know where he is taking me or what all his plans are but he has always taken care of me and i trust him to do that now even with all the craziness going own with me . With my Love Tooter
I don't mind at all. Life is so hard...but much better than the alternative. LOL I am glad that you weren't successful with your suicide attempt. There must be many things left on earth that you need to do. I came to the forum also when times were hard. At first I just read about other peoples problems. It has only been recently that I have become involved. It is wonderful therapy. MyJourney is the first person that I reached out to. She is a very strong woman and I admire her for that strength. I see that you have a lot of people on here that care about you too. Thanks so much for jumping in. Lets keep in touch also. I hope for much happiness to come into your life.