Broken hearted after loss of only child...
OMG!! I barely made it through the memorial weekend!
I lost my only child, an almost eighteen year old boy named Chris, to a tragic motor vehicle accident November 6th 2008. I realize it has been 6 months but I still haven't been able to completely pull myself back together. I have always been a strong woman; but I absolutely feel as though I am loosing my mind at times.
A little history as brief as I can: I was told for 11 years that I had less than a 1% chance of ever concieving a child and said a prayer one day to be blessed with a man that I could love for the rest of my life (just after his bio-father and I had a huge blow up whereas I eventually left him). Then I had a heck of time getting him into this world through an emergency c-section. But I knew when I delivered a boy my prayer was answered. I raised Chris on my own for all but 31/2 years and we had a great relationship surviving of his teen years. Chris was a great kid in that he cared deeply for others, played some sports and Tuba in band, never drank, smoked, or did drugs, and 97% of the time he didn't buck my rules (lol- teens). It was just Chris and me for so many years, I'm single again, and feel so lost (not a general trait of a gemini)!!!!! The only good thing that came about from this is that my son was adiment about being an organ, eye, and tissue donor; therefore, 5 people recieved the gift of life and knowing this has helped keep me going at times. I have loved and lost much in my 46 years, as of June 3rd, but have never experienced a BROKEN HEART such as this (literaly).
Is there anyone that can share with me their experiences in dealing with something as traumactic as this???
DEAR TRUE GEM- FIRST I AM SO SORRY YOU HAVE LOST YOUR SON THAT YOU CONSIDERED A LIVING MIRACLE. I LOST A DAUGTER BUT MUCH EARLIER IN HER LIFE SO I DIDNT ET TO SEE HER GROW INTO A COCKY TEEN OR GO THROUGH THE STAGES OF LIFE BUT I FEEL SOMETIMES THAT MADE IT EASIER BUT THEN WHEN IT COMES TO WHA SHOULD HAVE BEEN A SPECIAL DAY FOR HER I MELT INTO THE PAIN AGAIN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN AN KEEP GOING, DONT KNOW HOW OR WHAT JUST FEEL SOMEONE IS BRINGING ME THROUGH HARD TIMES.
YO SAY YOIU KNOW IT SIX MONTHS AS IF THAT WAS A LONG TIME, ITS NOT YOU ARE STILL IN THE EARLY STAGES OF GRIEF AND IF PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO BE MOVING ON IGNORE THEM - IS THERE A GRIEF COUNSELLING GROUP NEAR YOU- AS THIS IS A PLAE WHERE YOU CAN BE HONEST AND SPEAK WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN RELATE TO YOU.
I AM GLAD YOUR SON BROUGHT YOU SUCH JOY AND AS TIME GOES BY THAT JOY WILL APPEAR MORE. ITS AN OD ADAGE BUT TIME DOES HELP, IT DOESNT RID YOU OF MEMORIES OR FEELINGS I FEEL LIKE YOU LEARN HOW TO LIE WITH THEM AND LEAD YOUR LIFE FULLY AGAIN BUT THATS NOT SAYING THAT DAYLIKE CHRISTMAS AND BITHDAYS WONT BE PAINFUL AND SAD.
YOUR SON SOUNDED VERY MUCH LIKE HE HAD A LOT TO LIVE FOR AND THAT MUST HAECMEFROMYOU, THAT JOY OF LIFE. SO ALTHOUGH IT IS BURIED IN LOSS AND PAIN IT IS STILL THERE INSIDE YOU. ALLOW YOURSELF TO GRIEVE, THATS NATURAL IN N UNATURAL SITATION AND THEN MAYBE YOU WILL FIND A PATH THAT WILL LEAD YOU TO THE NEXT STEP IN LIFE FOR YOU. DONT LOSE HEART IN THE PAIN BUT TRY GAIN HEART FROM THE GREAT JOY HE BROUGHT YOU.
I HOPE AND PRAY THAT GOD WHOM I BELIEVE WLAKS WITH YOU UNTI YOU ARE READY TO WALK UNAIDED- BUT PLEASE FIND A SUPPORT GROUP AS THEY HAVE WALKED IN YOUR SHOES.
Thanks so much Savawhitedeer! First, let me extend my condolensces (?spelling) to you as well- I feel for you. How long was you blessed with having her (if I may ask?)
Yes, I feel my son had alot of life ahead of him and he cared so much for his friends and family (his friends nick-named him Young Dr. Phil) and he loved praising God. Not to mention truly being my whole world as his mother.
You said six months wasn't long...since I have never experienced anything as traumatic as this I don't know what is right/wrong, good/bad, or too soon, ya know what I mean? I thought if I went back to work right away that would help; it didn't because I work with at risk and troubled juveniles. I recently took a personal leave but that doesn't pay the bills. I didn't have life insurance on him (never expected the need so soon) no savings...danged if ya do and danged if ya dont. More undue stress.
Your inspiring words are very helpful to me. You asked about a grief group. We had one here in my hometown but once I decided I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was dealing with everything they had stopped meeting for a period. I believe Life Share of Oklahoma had one also but it has depleated due to rise in gas prices. But, I finally broke down and seeked professional help with a nearby therapist who seems to be pretty good so far on grief. We haven't been meeting long though so I guess time will tell. I have been reading some literature on grief tho and it seems to help sometimes. I try so hard to remain focused on the good things Chris brought into our lives but the pain does take over alot! How long before you noticed the constant pain subside?
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I raised my son to know God and Christ; his love to praise was awsome!!! Short of sounding really crazy to some; once I reached the emergency room and was able to see him, I visioned Chris cradled in the arms of Jesus. I kept praying for a miracle would pull him through because of my prayer when God gave him to me...a man to love for the rest of MY life. And I was still living... But I knew in my heart he was gone even after the three agonizing days in ICU the vision remained. I know where my son is now and grateful for that!!!!!!!! I am trusting God to walk and carry me through this believe me even through my screaming and anger toward God sometimes. I know he's there with me and understands.
Again, I thank you for all you shared! I would like to share something with you that was sent to me by email this morning if it wouldn't set you back into painful thoughts...the ending is what took my breath away. I will attach it and leave that up to you as to if you open or not.
God bless and I hope we talk again soon.
I have never had your experience and would never wish it on another human being. I have two friends, both female, one that lost her 18 year old son 9 years ago in a traffic accident outside a building site as they left mud on the road, he skidded and crashed. It took her a number of years to battle through the courts to get the builders to accept liability and she actually had the law changed in the UK to get all building sites to have to wash the roads outside building sites down. She has a picture of him on her desk and every time she sees them wash the roads outside building sites she breaks down.
A year and a half ago another friend lost her 28 year old daughter to carbon monoxide poisoning in a new build house where the person inspecting the flues to the boiler didn't actually look at them before signing them off as fit for purpose. She is still recovering and has only recently gone back to work.
In both cases anger and loss was the over-riding emotion. Both of them swear that bereavement councelling enabled them to continue functioning as a human being. You have to be ready to accept such a step and only go in your own time, both of them used cruse bereavement counselling here in the UK www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk.
My heart and thoughts go out to you and you family in this time of need
Thank you PiscesPiggy for sharing these two sad stories about your friends. I will look into the website you suggested. Again, many thanks!
I lost a baby once, he was 6months old. The worst pain I had ever felt.
But it only came to pass.... The memory will remain, but one day the pain will go away. Just hold on till it does.
So sorry for your loss.Let each one of us take from you a little of your pain.Do not rush your grief but be aware that life doesnt die it only changes form (in my belief system) be aware that when a thought of him is near and so is he.He is all around you.That little brush on your shoulder,the cool little whisper over your hair or accross your cheek is real.embrace these little signs with a smile, it is your son.The more you aknowledge the more you will be visited.
TrueGem, I am hesitant to respond to your plea, as I have only lost a granddaughter. I think I have embraced every religion, astrology and numerology to find some peace. One of my biggest fears is that I will lose my son, I have many fears and doubts in this world because I learned not to trust anyone or anything. This plea you have requires alot!!! My answer to you is "WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU" My other piece of advice is to be kind to yourself. What sign was your son?? I am extremely sorry for your loss..........losses are hard to deal with. Your son sounds like a nice guy and he was raised very well. Who or what knows why these things happen? I wish I knew the answers but I sure don't, all I can do is hope for your full recovery and that you will enjoy life again(that is what he would want for you).
I too am sorry for your losses! I have lost many friends and family, At first I was stunned and as I got older and whent thru life I am learning to look for those sign's of them. Because the more you embrace them the more they will visit. That I know I see many energies around me and my family. I have currently have been married for 2+ yrs. to a 30yr old capricorn. We have been together for 9yrs, aprox. five yrs ago we were told that he had hodgekins lymphoma and M.A.C. and was in the fourth and final stage. He was in remission for 1yr out of the 5yrs that he has battled this disease, yet thru it all he has stayed strong. There was the time when he had came down with pneumonia, he had ran 104 temp. I took him to the E.R. and he by the time the admitted him he stopped breathing. I watch him being being rushed into ICU to be put on a ventilator to breathe for him. I remember them telling me that some one with 40% of a one lung wouldn't most likely come off. I just remember him waking up and couldn't talk writing on a peice of paper "I love You", Couple of mo. ago his doctor recomended him doing more chemo. and this time it was going to be stim cell chemo. And my husband has decided to stop doing treatments and decided to spend every moment that he has left w/ our two children,me and loved one's. I know it's coming soon, I just think that he is waiting for the moment he feel's that we will be o.k. with it. Here recently he had a dream there was a calm voice speaking to him, and all he could see was a bright light. He knew that there were other's around him too. The voice told him that the time was coming soon and altamately he would have a choice to get thing's together and then go or just go then. He also said that he had this vision of how he would pass, and that he would be with the people he loved and he would not suffer. I love him soo much... I know that when it happen's he won't be suffering any more. It too will be hard for me, especially to see our 7 & 8 yr old's loose there father who is full of life and love's automobile's. He is a great teacher to the young teen's around our community. They come to him, to learn how to fix auto's,dirt bike's,four wheeler's and I have seen them stay out of trouble.. I know it will take alot of strength to carry on and I believe I will take it day by day, and with the memories & the to see the people that he has helped make their live's so much better, Will get me thru and in turn I KNOW they will pass it on......live, love, and learn often...each day is a blessing I am so sorry that this is long, I only wish to share and I know that we will have our loved one's that have passed around us and watch over us on our jurney thru life....
I was just thinking of you
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the extruciating pain you felt! It has been 7 months yesterday that I buried my son and eventhough the pain is still there...it is getting a little better as time goes by. I have been praying for that peace so that I can spend more time on cherishing the memories I have of him.
Thank you for your response and sharing! May your heart continue healing as well!
You hit this right on...I have been so angry that I haven't seen him or experienced many things that I believe to be my son. My anger may be creating a barrier...I don't know! But I do want his presence to be revealed so bad that I can't hardly stand it. It was just me and him for so many years!!!
Any suggestions of how to tune into this better?
Thank you very much for all your kind words!
I welcomed your response. My son was an Aquarius born January 14th. I'm sorry to hear of your loss of your granddaughter as well. I hope your heart has mended over time. Thank you for all your thoughts.
Appology sent to Moondreams instead of Moonbeam in my reply to you. Sorry I didn't get your name correct.
Please do not appologize to me for a long response; especially with your story you shared. My heart goes out to you and your family. I cannot imagine what it is like to begin each day wondering if this will be the last day you have to spend with your husband. I couldn't make it all the way through your story without tears as I read it. I do believe I understand your husband's decision to stop the therapy though...I had a loved one that said the therapy/chemo/treatments/meds/ etc. was just as hard to live with as the disease( cancer) itself.
I just can't imagine...my son died after three agonizing days in ICU at OU Trauma Center. He was kept in a drug induced coma so he never got to say good bye or even write anything and neither did I. It is still very hard for me because of the sudden loss because there were so many things we had planned to do together. But, on a positive note, I always lived by and taught my son to NEVER LEAVE WORDS UNSPOKEN. So each time we had to part for any reason we would hug and tell each other what we needed to ie, I love you bunches, bye for now, or as Chris would say when he needed to be macho when guys were around "I like tator tots" that his secret way of telling me he loved me. For this I am so grateful because we did say i love you before we left each other that morning. But who knew it was Good-bye?????
I guess what I am trying to say is that I truly commend your husband for wanting to spend any an all of his last days with you and the boys. And I commend you for your strength you must have to support such a decision knowing it may shorten his life. I hope and pray your last days together are the best ever!! Try to remember NEVER LEAVE ANY WORDS UNSPOKEN...then there are fewer regrets.
Thank you for sharing and keep writing to me if you wish. I would like to know how you and your family are doing. God bless! (hope you're not offended by this).
Thank you for thinking of me. Sorry it has been awhile since I've logged back in. Had to get away for a few days. Took a trip to Branson, MO with an Aunt and her two grandchildren ages 10 and 12. That was fun! I rode all the roller coasters with them and we all talked alot about how much fun it would be if Chris was with us...but he probably woudn't have rode the roller coasters with us...lol...he didn't like them as much as I do. But, it was a much needed vacation.
Again, thanks for your loving thoughts.
I too am a Geminii and I too never thought that I would have kids, let alone the male and female twins that I had always hoped for. It may seem odd, but my kids came in the form of Siamese cats, a brother and sister that came to me when they were six months old. I never had any other children or pets. They truly were my "children". I lost both of them last weekend. They died while at a boarding facility while I was out of town. I am completely heartbroken. I keep looking at all of the places they used to sit and remembering all of the comfort and love that we shared, and, yes, even all of the communication (Siamese cats "talk" ;). Now it is lonely and quiet here. I can only imagine how devastated you must feel. Though my "kids" were cats, I loved them dearly and they were with me for eleven years. How much more your pain must be. My thoughts are with you. What has comforted me the most is knowing that I was lucky enough to have them for eleven years. I am trying to take comfort in what was given, not what was lost, and to remember all of the fun and the love. Please take good care of yourself. Six months is no time at all for such a loss.
May the Blessings Be.
So sorry for the loss of your little furry friends. My son and I are both animal lovers. He was given a Pug dog named Mojo when my grandmother passed away. I won't get rid of him but it is hard sometimes because Chris spent so much time with his dog and if I let Mojo in the house he looks and looks for Chris. Makes it hard for me!
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom! I am trying to use some of the suggestions people have given me in this forum. Take care and I hope your heart will mend soon! Believe me I know about "lonely". Maybe you will find a new furry friend to keep you company soon!
I totally relate....my young (1 month shy of his 26th birthday), ambitious, handsome, wise, and complete "Mama's Boy" was killed in a tragic accident on a lonely stretch of desert highway....suddenly and unbelievably I was forced to deal with not only the fact of his death, but details, people, funeral stuff, my job, his friends, both families (his father and I divorced over 10 years ago)....hussle and bussle of things to be done....but when the dust settled and the activity and people moved on....I had to make myself go on living.....and it has been 5 1/2 yrs. since that tragic night, and I still have not accepted the actual fact that he's not coming over, or gonna call me, or pop in at my job (which I couldn't continue doing due to all the physical things brought on by my mental state), or drop by with that "puppy-dog" look on his face cuz he needed money (ATM always meant Automatic Teller Mom for him). All this and soooooo very much more consume my mind and my heart has never and probably will never heal. Dear Gem, this is a condition I can honestly tell you will never get any better, it will never go away, it will only become easier to bear....in small increments, but it does become a little softer pain as time goes on, but will always be there.....will always bring sudden, unexplainable tears, but take comfort knowing you were allowed to have those precious years with him, I began to feel "honored" in a way that I was chosen, if you will, by God to be JR's mother. He will always be with me, regardless, whether in body or in spirit, but I know he is never far away...he knows how my heart aches and how badly I miss him. I wish for you peace (have faith that it will slowly come), and know that you will be in my prayers, as I know exactly what you're going through. "Time" willl not heal this wound, dear friend, so don't waste your time and energy...just accept what you can a moment at a time, if need be, and keep the faith.
They say going through mourning is an individual experience, but I guess it's the case for any life experience. I can only tell you about how I am dealing with it and it's up to you to see if that can inspire you in some way. My son died at age 13 last year. He ran away, was angry and wanted to escape. He climbed up an electric tower and did not jump, fell most probably, but in the end he's not physically there with us anymore. Well, I immediately had this idea "death is an initiation"; it's one of the most powerful, intense things you can experience. It is banal and extraordinary at the same time. Banal because children die every day and because we will all die one day as well. Extraordinary because it's like the "ultimate" life possibility or experiment, the last one you can perform, and we can't tell in most cases when that will take place. I knew I was facing 3 options: to collapse, to resist or to elevate myself. To resist seemed a waste of time and energy. Why stand against roaming waters? Grief is our ennemy. I have shed some tears of course, but was never into despair during those last 14 months. I still get emotional about it, at least once a day. There is a difference between expressing emotions and letting them overpower you. First of all death is the end of the body, it's disincarnation, not the end of all. Our beloved sons have changed status, and they did it early, not what we expected. I can understand that it's much more difficult for you because he was your only child. I have a 12 y-o daughter who is a little sunshine and to be honest I don't know how I would have come to grips with this loss without her. We live together; I'm divorced. I don't believe so much in having to go through a lot of pain in order to get rid of it. The pain is there anyhow so I think we have to practice being happy instead of allowing sadness to grow and multiply. You can try and list negative words such as death, loss, grief, pain, tears, etc., in one column. In a second column next to it, write down their positive counterpart. Every time negative feelings or thoughts come over you, welcome them and look at them as separate entities from you but don't let them settle down inside you. Acknowledge their presence and take them one by one, transform them into their positive alternative, silently in your mind first, then in a whisper, then in a soft voice. It's all in the mind and your mind can do it. The way you take care of your thoughts has immediate and longer term impact on your emotions and your well-being, on your outside world, your relationships, the quality level of your life. Even if that kind of exercise sounds silly because "unnatural", it's worth trying. Wouldn't you rather be happy, in spite of this loss? Are you ready and willing to feel happiness and peace inside, even feel the thrill of life? Or would you rather be suffering? I know it may sound shocking to present things that way. We have the "right" to feel sad but it's not an obligation. It is not man's purpose on earth to be unhappy. Someone wrote to me after the event: "you thought you had given birth to him, but he's really giving birth to you, forcing you into a life you had not desired. You are a sign of him, the sign that was left for all of us to see".
Although I think of him everyday, I avoid thinking of the past. Connecting to the past does not help our present or our future. Only what you think and do today is shaping your tomorrow. And some believe that the more we grieve the more difficult it is for the souls up there. Let us send them thoughts of love and light. I also avoid visiting the cemetery. Because I can strongly feel it is only connecting me to energies of death and decay. May your life be full of Life! You can find other ways of ritualising; it's personal, you can be creative in this.
If you wish, I can ask for Divine energies of "Universal Happiness" to be sent to you; that's what they're called. I have no power whatsoever but it was transmitted to me by someone who has that kind of power -amazing uh!- and I am allowed to transmit it as well. It's of course absolutely free. All you have to do is receive. I feel that I was so blessed and protected in terms of inner peace, at the time my son left this earth, that I want to help other people too. It was only 9 months after it happened, that I met this person who provided me with this extra blessing of Divine energies, and I can see the difference inside and outside. So can the people around me.
I wish you the very best.