Relationship intentions

  • I am in an engaged relationship with a man born 11/4/1954 at 2 a.m. in Frankfurt, Germany (he is American). I was born 1/30/1961 at 8:53 a.m. in S.F., CA. We started out as friends until he started touching me in a more intimate way and wanted to sleep with me, as I had to make clear I wasn't interested in a friends-with-benefits relationship. This was in 2007. He proposed to me in December of 2009, saying "I'm falling in love with you" while we walked around in the park. It's been hard to understand how this happened as he kept saying "I don't know what i want" while we were still friends, and i respected his time on that . He stayed away from intimacy until he met me; his ex cheated on him 22 years before that. He admires Wilhelm Reich, a famed psychotherapist who doesn't believe in monogamy. I asked what he thought his views on monogamy himself, and he said "I don't know, but i am willing to be monogamous if that's what you need..." What gives? I did my best to be understanding but it really makes me wonder if he is being evasive in the long run, wanting the perks but not the responsibility of being in a relationship. He seems to do only what he is necessary when push comes to shove, but why propose to me at all if he really doesn't know whether he believes in monogamy or not? It also sound like he is 'martyring' himself for what i need, and it feels unbalanced and somewhat emotionally manipulative.

  • Oh dear.. This man will never be monogamous. He loves women too much. You know the answer to this, you know what needs to be done and what path you need to take..but you are just not ready to let go yet. What is keeping you from leaving him?

  • what keeps me from leaving him is that i can't deny i am attracted to him. also, whenever i feel i need to go, he does something to make me believe he still wants me. what it is, he's told me: he values my sweetness, creativity, playfulness and integrity (that last part confuses me, as i believe integrity means upfrontness and follow-through. he seems to think--as applied to him--what he feels is "right" and following up on what he wants. i've been trying to help him see this integrity is a two-way street--there's no relationship, period, without mutual agreement on what this means for both of us.) he also wanted to wear an engagement ring and get married this March--i only balked because he wanted to be in charge of who would be "best man" in our ceremony and i desired our two closest married friends because the guy in that friendship advised him to marry me and quit hemming and hawing for my sake. My fiance has admitted he is the few males he can feel emotionally close to,and that means something to me. i asked him last year why he picks women to be close to as friends more than men, and he told me it was because women were more emotionally open in friendship. his father abused him and his mother while growing up, but his mother protected him and eventually got a divorce. my fiance feels she prevented him from getting closer to his father even though she protected him from the abuse, and didn't tell him about her plans in getting divorced--just took him with her and sent him to an English boarding school before that. He has also let me know early on how he felt she just assumed his needs without bothering to ask him what he needed, and he resented that. Also that she made anti-male remarks that left him feeling bad about being a male and inhibited his ability to 'perform' later on. So it is hard to tell what he considers "progress" in general, because he tends to wallow in self-pity, although i've told him this can be destructive not only to himself but in relationships with others. Once when i pointed out he was projecting his issues with his late mother onto me, he actually apologized for that. I had to be firm but have long learned to be careful about how i express that, if i want to be avoid being viewed as 'controlling'. I also have tried to express my opinions as only about what works for me, and that if he wants a relationship with me, it is up to him to decide. The trouble is, i get the impression "I don't know" is a way of avoiding being upfront with me about what exacty he is getting from me in this relationship and avoiding long-term relationship intentions.

  • I will tell you what I see.

    . He can't help being who he is. He is who he is and you are who you are. He is unlikely to change just as you are unlikely to change your mind on fidelity. So what to do? You either stay with him and suffer because you are both very different and have extremely different perspective on fidelity and life in general. Or you move on and start again with someone more compatible this time.

    The qualities he sees in you are seen by many, not just him. Don't be scared to start again if things don't improve. You say you stay because you are attracted to him... well when the initial attraction goes what will be left? He can tell you many beautiful things but if he doesn't believe in the fundamental origins of fidelity like you do, what kind of future do you expect to have with him. It will be a stressful one on you, it already is.

    The main issue is that he is unlikely to change and why should he? He is who he is. He was made this way by his environment and you are you because of your environment. I doubt one day you will wake up and say " I think fidelity is a load of crap" so why should he wake up one day ans say " I truly believe in fidelity and I want to make more male friends" Do you get my point?

  • Yes, i get your point. that life changes is also a point. if all of us just stayed the way we were we would not go anywhere different in life. so the real question is: what aspects of his horoscope indicate his bottom line in what he does? that's why i posted both birthdates, birthplaces and birth hours. if it was just a matter of popular psychology advice on relationships, i could find the answers anywhere. what i need is an astrological anaysis of our relationship. he has told me my sun in Aquarius and his moon in Aquarius make me the person who can fulfill his emotional needs, and it's not like he hasn't fulfilled mine at all. I have my moon in Cancer to his sun in Scorpio, so we can relate likewise. His Mars is in Aquarius, his Venus is in Scorpio, and i have had a chart done that shows complementary aspects intellectually as well as romantically. His rising sign is Virgo and my rising sign is cusp Aquarius-Pisces, so there is an affinity there. My Mars is in Cancer and my Venus is in Pisces.

  • Life changes but people don't so much. If people changed as much as life changed there wouldn't be so many unhappy people in relationships, expecting and hoping their partners would "change" .. If he wants to change than that is wonderful but I don't see it happening, he is who he is. I see you struggling and suffering with him. Sorry about my "Popular psychology response but that 's the energies surrounding both of you, that was my actual reading. Good luck.

  • are you a professional reader, and does it involve interpretations of astrological charts as well? that's what i need to know before i can agree with your advice.

  • Hi, I'm not the pro reader in which you seek but I agree with daangala. You both definitely want different things and attraction should not be the main reason to stay together. It just feels slightly corrupt. You should read up yourself try,

  • Hi 5Frank5,

    I appreciate your participation in this topic, and thank you for the link. I just know that a lot has happened that hasn't necessarily all been written about here and i can see where people respond to what they see what's been written in this forum as the whole story. I've been through various relationships and from what i have learned it's about better communication and bottom lines, not 'judgement calls'. I believe we all have a right to what we want out of relationships, including non-monogamous ones, if we can be clear about what we want. My fiance has had relationship experiences that left him with the feeling he is looking for his soulmate. Me, too. How deeply we go into that need is the issue. Do we look for a compulsive, "quick fix" without realizing that? He has told me that there was no emotional connection in his last relationship, despite his ex's quiet charm (being a belly dancer, I thought her charms were more obvious <lol>) and he was genuinely devasted when he found out she was nonmonogamous, but he credits her with being upfront about that. He has told me his self-image at the time had to do with its demise, and was trying to challenge himself more when he met me. I've made it clear I don't want to be a relationship that is not equal and an excuse for delusional martyrdom (myself included, all things being fair and honest)--the other day when i told him that, he told "I am choosing to be monogamous with you". We bumped into a female friend who he felt was 'falling' for him while he had trying to be empathetic (a big thing for him as he is a Nichiren Buddhism is compassion) and he showed me his respect for me as well as her unrealistic expectations by simply shaking her hand firmly at the time, and not making himself available to help with a migraine headache he could have helped with in a literally hands-on way, as she tried to get him to do). He also voluntarily gave me details last night that he didn't necessarily need to share with me about a former love interest from long ago who wanted to work with him on spreading political activism via e-mails, because I'd let him know it was crucial for me to know where such people were coming from in a relationship with him. He has also encouraged me to be close friends with her, as well as a recent female acquaintance we met at the performance we attended together a little while ago. So it's not like he isn't trying to mend any fences among us in an upfront way, either. I was just concerned about where our relationship was heading for the future, and that is understandably a big-issue situation that takes deeper reflections about himself in relation to others as well as myself.</lol>

  • cuspglyph,

    I hate to leave an "up to you" answer but thats all I can say. I'll leave some stuff for you to consider.

    • Scorpio is a rough match for Aquarius (sure you knew that).

    -its unsettling knowing that your partner can only make close friends with the opposite gender. Having that kind of thought during your time with him could be damaging to mental health.

    -What motivates him to be monogamous should not be you. It should be both you and him.

    in the other hand,

    -you are very strong and willing

    -he's very open about things, no secrets it seems.

    -he proposed.

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