Please help me understand how to be compassionate w/ my friend
Hello Everyone! I'm here asking for some insight guidance on how to be more compassionate with my best friend because I'm REALLY not feeling it right now regarding her daughter's wedding, I mean "Vow Renewal Ceremony". I think my friend needs a dose of REALITY or maybe I'm just being too judgemental and mean about this.
Two years ago my friends daughter moved away to live with her boyfriend & they got married as soon as she moved but did NOT invite her parents, my friend. Then LIED about being married for about 4 months until she asked me to snoop & find out, which I did. What's worse HIS parents were at the wedding. Now the daughter wants to have a "real" wedding w/ all the trappings. The daughter & husband have saved & they are paying for the wedding.
Here's my problem:
1. My friend & her husband filed for bankruptcy 3 weeks ago!
- I think this is a horrible thing for their daughter to do to them right now of all the things they're dealing with to ask mom to help her plan the wedding NOW. My friend says this is their only daughter & she's always wanted to be the mother of the bride and how sad for her husband not to be able to walk their daughter down the aisle.
2. The daughter owes her parents about $7,000, $2K of this is money she STOLE from them by taking their debit card and checks. The other money is expenses for fines & expenses incurred due to underage drinking & other types of stuff. Their daughter's actions costs them quite a bit financially and added to their problems which led to them filing.
- I think she should pay them back before a wedding. They don't want the money as they have "forgiven" the amount owed.
3. The daughter works at a tanning salon & he's marine (God Bless Him) & they don't make much and it would be hard to replace this money.
- I told my friend they should save this versus a wedding-they're ALREADY MARRIED! My friend says they're young and they can save this again, plus it's their money and she can't prevent them from having a wedding. I responded w/ the daughter couldn't do this without her help because my friend all over this thing.
Does my friend need a major dose of REALITY or do I? I just don't know what to do and I feel I'm not being a nice person to her right now because of how I feel. Maybe my thinking is all wrong so can everyone PLEASE GIVE YOUR OPINION!!!!!! Love & Blessings to all
Hi Kookish I think your friend needs the dose of reality.......but this is so common, these big extravaganza's! We went to a $65,000 wedding last year, the couple had lived toghether several yrs, their 2 yr old daughter was there, the brides parents paid for it, the brides father had to leave retirement and go back to work to pay for everything. (all weddings in my hubby's family are big deals....except ours, which I've had to hear about over the yrs), anyway these are all middle income people! They could buy or at least partially purchase a home for what they pay for these one day events........it just amazes me. I'm with you Kookish
Also when we go to these events I keep my opinion to myself and just have a great time, because they are usually very fun
Kookish, the fact you are sticking up for your friend and trying to point out the rights and wrongs shows how much compassion you have for her. You don't want to see her making any mistakes. If you truly didn't care for her, would you be reacting so strongly now?
Be there for her. Let her know what you think but also let her know that you respect her choices. She is probably torn right now, between her feelings for her daughter and your opinion of the situation. You don't have to understand the situation to be able to support her. Stand by her no matter what she decides to do. She has a right to her own free will and to make her own mistakes.
You are doing the right thing Kookish. You are a good friend
Great answers guys.
Aw, Kookish, I'm sure there are a lot of people who would and do agree with you but there is an important message here for you (this is not my opinion, by the way, I consulted the "powers that be")...
What's really important here to you? Being right or being a supportive and loving friend? This is her daughter, her family and her decision. You made your "advice" known by giving her your opinion and it's obvious by your reaction that she was not open to it. This is a happy event for their family - try not to rain on her parade with negativity! You can continue on this way, but Spirit shows it being perceived as rigid, inflexible, domineering and even arrogant. The advice is to be more sensitive and supportive and keep your opinions to yourself or it will result in a rift in the relationship between the two of you.
Is your opinion really worth the loss of a friendship?
Back to my opinion....Seriously - it's not your bill to pay so don't worry about it! Enjoy and participate in the celebration!
I know you are worried and i truly understand, about your friend and her daughter taking advantage of her parents AGAIN, But in the end, like watergirl said, is it worth your friendship...Just be there for your friend and you could always just say that you just don't want her to be taken advantaged of again...because you love her...and leave it alone...just my 2 cents sweetie.
PS, you are truly a good friend:)
ALL OF YA'LL ARE THE BEST!! Thank you for the compliments but I don't feel like a good friend right now I feel like a judgmental H_A_G! because I am being “rigid, inflexible, domineering and even arrogant” about this and I’m sorry for that, she’s a wonderful sweet woman.
Watergirl18 worded it perfectly & what all of you are saying - I have to decide what's important "Being right or being a supportive and loving friend?" (love this). Besides, I’ve given my friend psychic readings as gifts to help her work through things, especially when their daughter was in high school & they got very good advice; however, they never seemed to follow through. Last month I was going to give her a "reading" for her birthday & the psychic told me I'm wasting my money because they (my friend and her husband) don't want to put in the work to get things resolved. I've really tried to help at a deeper level & it never seemed to help so I don’t know why I thought my badgering would make any difference now. I love her and I love her friendship and she's puts up w/ me droning on about stupid stuff as well.
As far as attending this event, this is a tough one because we live in Texas & they're in Illinois. We can afford the trip but my husband is not interested in spending this money & made it clear he's not allowing our son to miss school for this & I agree. Also, my son plays football & I would be missing one of his games if I went early to help & my inner child is saying I DON"T WANT TO but the adult me is saying at least I need to help her out before & attend. I will attend this event but will not miss my son's game.
Thanks for all your help!
Love & Blessings from Texas
You are not obligated to go early and help (or even to go for that matter), just be supportive and love your friend!
Thanks for this. I also realized I popped into the conversation w/ you & Blmoon a few weeks ago, I loved ya'lls conversation. It seems like this time we were at the coffee shop chatting, of course we weren't alone! Haha!!
Thanks again for the sage advice!!
Once again Kookish, you are getting more involved in other people's lives than your own. I rarely see you post about yourself alone - only in connection with others. Where is Kookish and why are you not worried about her life? What and who is she, unconnected to anyone else?
This is abou MY life. I wanted help in how "I" can be more compassionate & how "I" can deal with this situation in a better way. I know I haven't been the best friend in this & it's about ME and MY poor attitude & how "I" can deal with this.
I really have no reason to post anything here about just ME! I have a good life, I've been married for 26 years to a man who proposed after dating 2 weeks, he's a very loving man. We have 2 kids, both of which are healthy & good people, I've asked about here in how to deal with a few travails of life.
Do I exercise enough - NO. Do I eat as well as I should - NO. Is my house as clean as it should be - NO but I'd have a hard time posting about some of my "issues". Example; I'm struggling right now to find a new housekeeper - this is really NOT a big problem or something to be queried here. Or the fact I'm irritated at my pool service company because they haven't been able to fix the heater in our pool - again not really a big struggle in life.
No (wo)man is an island & I can't ask for help if there isn't another person involved to which I can have a poor attitude against. I believe this is about me; however, please let me know if you think otherwise.
No, if it had been about you, you would have just asked how to be more compassionate in general - and not with your friend. I think that you don't even know how to think about yourself without bringing someone else into it. It's like you think you are always somebody's mother or partner or friend etc. Where and who is Kookish alone, the individual? it's not selfish to have concern for yourself at times.
I can't fathom asking "help me be more compassionate" because I feel I'm a pretty compassionate person in general, judgemental at times yes, but compassionate - plus this is a very general question. It's just certain situations I struggle w/ like the one regarding my friend.
Who am I? I'm a wife to a wonderful man, I'm a mom to 2 wonderful kids, one of them gave me a new pocket knife for Christmas to help cut the apron strings & umbilical cord (shocking right?), I'm a daughter to a woman who has blood cancer & took her for energy healing today. I'm an adopter of abandoned pets ( we have 4 right now) who volunteers to work & raise funds on their behalf, I'm an author & I can tell a W_I_C_K_E_D joke. When I am just me - Tracie it's not so bad because I have a pretty good life; however, I believe I am a part of something bigger than just "me".
I'll post a picture on your Photo Reading tomorrow and you tell me what you see.
Thanks again for your insight, Love & Blessings from Texas
Every family is its own crazy universe that moves in ways that defy "logic". I'm half with you---real friends say what the he ll? When they see a possible trainwreck. The key is stepping back long enough to see if the trainwreck is truley stoppable or out of your control. If the friend is at a tipping point---and doubtfull herself then your energy push is a constructive thing BUT if looking from detachment you see the family dynamics at play---the lessons playing out and if all parties are full speed ahead going to do this all you can do is let it go. To suffer grief over their choice is kin to waking up every morning and hitting yourself in the head with a board. Just don't do it. There are friends and there are FRIENDS---the greater love is unconditional. That doesn't mean the opinions and emotions we feel are not valid but must be balanced with the head---the place of choice and free will. Once you simmer down you'll do the right thing. BLESSINGS!
When we want to help someone, we need to stop for a moment to ask ourselves if we are stopping them from getting into trouble or from learning the lessons they need to survive life on earth.
Blmoon, After all the wonderful comments yesterday I realized I loved my sweet friend more than I needed to be right. I was hoping to be helpful but in the end "it was a trainwreck that was truly unstopable & it was the typical family dynamics at play" (well put) - we've been friends for years so I know how this works. I know how her daughter uses her mom's emotional personality to get what she wants and the wedding is what she wants. It's also what my friend wants and common sense be D_A_%$#_@.
I called her earlier today and thanked her for allowing me to give my opnion so bluntly & I loved her friendship & didn't want to loose it. I told her I would support her and show up as early as I can in the week to help do whatever she needed done and to clean up afterward - this is what she would offer to do for me if needed. I explained my husband and son will not be attending & my daughter will make her own decision about this trip.
Thanks again for your insight, Love & Blessings from Texas
Of course I remember you! Seems like the coffee shop was a little busy this week Thought I would share a cup with you this morning...
KOOKISH---you are passionate in a way I can relate to---but like the weather it always passes and the head cleans up the mess---as if no storm came through---life goes on---this too shall pass. Such is life! BLESSINGS