I cant stop crying... my husband is leaving our son and me...



  • ups and downs have marked our relationship, always more ups, a love filled relationship, we use to say, "made in heaven"...

    now, he says he is leaving me, he has said this before but never has actually left.. this time is different, he has already sought an apartment, will leave by end of the week, there's no other person in either of our lives..he says he loves me like crazy, like he will never love again, but he cant live with me because we have drained the good from our marriage.. go figure, i thought we were so good, he even asked me to have a nother baby just a month ago and then two weeks ago this...... im heart broken... we have been married 9 yrs... we have a 5yr old son, who is about to have his world turned upside down by his father... im at loss... he is behaving calm cool and collected.. treats me as if all is good, but keeps his distance while he pursues his move out of our home....could somebody give me some guidance...

    his DOB may 8,1972

    my DOB oct 14,1964

    thank you for ur time and understanding....



  • This is a difficult relationship for love. Marriage or a love affair can be bound up in a shroud of unreality. So strong is the projection of fantasy here that the relationship can seem at the outset to have been summoned magically from a genie's lamp. The results can be illusory and destructive but the principal problem will be conflict with the demands of everyday reality, social pressures, and the perceptions of friends and family who don't share your vision of the relationship. If the two of you can believe totally in the personal reality of your relationship and break away from familial and social influences, you may make a success of it, for however long it lasts. However, if one of you becomes disillusioned with the day-to-day mundane details of your life together, then the relationship will break apart and will probably never be what it once was - a beautiful fantasy.

    What your partner wants most is to find somewhere he can feel safe, protected, and doted on, a place where he feels he can truly be himself. For some reason, he doesn't feel that way in your home. But security and safety are not actual places or people - your husband must learn to feel secure inside himself by increasing his self-esteem and creating what he needs for himself. No one else can do it for him. By finding a goal that excites and energizes him, or finding an ideal or set of principles that builds his self-respect, he will develop feelings of belonging no matter what circumstances he finds himself in. What he is subconsciously craving is a loving mother-connection that he never had and he may have projected his feelings of longing, abandonment, and deprivation onto you at the beginning. He may have begin to feel jealous that your motherly nurturing was being given more to your child than to him exclusively, as in the past. He also wants to make more of his life, to express himself creatively and put his mind to work, to be more than just a husband and father.

    If you can find a way to fulfill these needs for him, he won't have to leave home to find what he is looking for.



  • thank u!! this is on the dot.. he is very insecure, all as a result from the emotional abandonment of his mother, and a rigid upbringing by his father... he has mentioned in the past he feels like he is walking on eggshells at home.... i am a very squared minded individual for some things and then absolutely free for others.... not easy for me either....

    u r also right , our relationship was a fantasy world for a while, but then life happened and we hit the ground, but thru it all managed to keep the magic.... at least we were still able to reconnect with it... just a few weeks ago he was enamored all over again.. the same suitor i fell for nine years ago.. and then this....

    right now, he left home on a weekend trip with guys (divers) and im home ... we talked on phone and he sounds normal, as nothing happens.. but i can sense the distance between us growing... dont know what else to do... i told him i didnt agree with his decision to leave, but that i do respect it...and after i asked him once to reconsider.. i have done nothing but to reassure him that i love him, and that it will break my heart to see him go, but that it is up to him.... he will not talk to me about this situation.. he informed me he was leaving in a 10 min conversation and avoids any further discussion of the subject... he has cancelled 2 times our appointments with a marriage counselor... he makes plans for us as a couple and family (planning trips, dinners, purchases) while closing on a new lease.... im very confused.. emotionally drained and still hoping a miracle will happen....



  • You see, when he is with other people, he has the attention he craves - when he is home, he feels your attention is directed mostly at the child. So it doesn't matter how much you TELL him you love him - it's your behaviour he goes by. Of course he is being unreasonable, but he has never really grown up from that little lost boy who wants his mummy's love and attention. That is what he is looking for now. Someone to devote all their time to him. And it would be even worse if you had another baby to steal even more of his attention-time away.



  • woww..never saw it like that... he does seems to be having a tantrum more than anything.. but i am scared that he will leave.. what scares me the most is that our sons world will be turn up side down... so what can i do? in the practical sense... (crying is only getting me puffed eyes.. extra wrinkles and an immense consumption of tissue...).... i cant talk to him (tried and he became furious , this is when he sought the lease).... dote on him is hard as he is avoiding me... and any contact with me...



  • So you can treat him like the child he still is at heart - if you show what a kind attentive mother you can be to him, he will not want to run away from home. If you find you cannot manage to coddle him or don't want to give in to his tantrums, then you will have to manage without him. Talking to him like an adult won't work. Think of how you would treat a wounded hurt baby. Unfortunately it would mean you would be stuck with two 'children' to raise, but your partner hopefully would mature one day.



  • "hopefully" would mature one day....... u have given me plenty to think about tonight.. im not crying anymore... im just to tired.... thank u..... now i need to put my 5 yr old child to bed... while my husband/child is having a sleep over with his friends somewhere in alabama (we live in texas).... (shaking head here).... you have been generous with your time, i truly appreciate it... will keep u post it...



  • Just so you realize that this is not your fault...


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