Pisces woman/Taurus man
Hello, I'm new to this forum, but I am at my wits end. I married a former sweetheart (reconnected after 25 years) July 2010. We decided to continue to live apart (1400 miles) for 1 year due to my son finishing his last year of high school. However, by Nov. 2010, my new husband became disconnected after an argument and we have been going downhill ever since. I'm leaving a lot out, but suffice it to say that we are now talking divorce and we haven't even made it to our 1st anniversary. I travelled 1400 miles to see him in February hoping that we could work things out, but the trip was a disaster. He went out with friends (on my birthday) instead of staying at home with me.
Shuabby, I have read several of your posts and wonder if you have any thoughts or anyone else out there who has some insight into where his mind is and whether anything can be done to save my marriage?
Dates of birth:
Your relationship depends heavily on social interaction and group activities, which is why marriage is not favoured here unless you go out a lot and mix with other people. Problems can arise when you two are alone or apart too much. Being with other people moves personal problems out of the spotlight and makes the two of you more relaxed, yet it also deprives you of the ability to confront each other, work out your issues, and deepen your relationship. You can of course enjoy intimacy but it is the social dimension that provides the punch for your relationship. Your marriage can either benefit or suffer from all this socializing. Having friends around constantly may weaken or strengthen domestic bonds, and the extra traffic around the house may eventually prove nervewracking. It's also likely to lead to disaster if one of you is spending more time away from home with friends instead of being together. Both of you do have a reclusive side that your relationship may suppress, almost certainly creating tension. Triangles are common here, often hiding behind a facade of friendship but capable of surfacing and shattering the fragile bonds of marriage. Choices inevitably have to be made then, that may be hard and painful.
One possible solution is to make your home environment as socially attractive to your husband as his time out with his friends is to him. Invite his friends to your place and give parties. Improve your social skills if you have to. But also set aside time to talk honestly and without any distractions to express your needs and listen to his. Needing attention should not become addictive however.
Thank you for your response, Captain.
Perhaps I should have included a bit more information. My concern is less about the social interaction. The bigger problem is that after some initial attempts he will no longer talk about our problems. A few weeks ago he confessed that he didn't know why he is so disconnected, but after 5 months, we should have been able to work things out. Instead, he doesn't even want to try. He says he is not willing to take the risk. The problem was major misunderstandings and his feeling that he couldn't open up with me.
Maybe we moved too quickly. We were reintroduced by a mutual friend in May 2009 after 25 years apart. He proposed in October 2009 and we were married in July 2010. We are both over 40 and he pursued me because he knew what he wanted. It was a dream come true for me - my first marriage, his second. Now it seems the dream is over.
I don't know what to do. Is this just fear that will blow over with this period of separation or is my marriage to the man of my dreams really over?
It does sound like you didn't take enough time to get to know each other properly. Even now you are still thinking he was the 'man of your dreams' when it really was just a fantasy. Now it seems to be too late. If he doesn't want to even try, then there's nothing you can do but move on, having learned to take it slower and be more realistic next time.