I am still waiting

  • My husband of decades is constantly saying we don't belong together...never have, among other things he drills at me. He's right. Last night, he quietly said that I am to blame for the bad choices he has made, in so many words. It is frustratingly sad. I want so BADLY to be happy...to have someone support my dreams, if I am allowed to have them. I feel that he and I are far apart in the same house.

    Circumstances kept us together but now that our kids are grown, what's the point of rehashing anything? he says... Over the decades, his abuse turned from physical to emotional including lying, becoming a porn addict, having affairs, etc. I was stuck, first with the children and the need to make them all they can be, and then because of handicaps and his attitude, isolated...We all got older and he changed and isn't THAT nuts anymore, but the sex is barely there and he seems to like it that way, leaving me to beleive he's up to his old tricks. Maybe he's just old and tired but I feel he is not in love with me any more. A counselor once said that although he truly loves his children, he is narcisistic and manipulative at times.

    Despite my best efforts and lots of counseling on my part, I feel that my marriage has been an empty one in which we just go through the motions. He's seldom home anyways. His work or something or someone else has ALWAYS been the focus of his attention.

    I recently saw someone very special and even tho it has been decades since we were in the same place together, we have never been apart for many years, always running into each other or calling or emailing...this time I know he was seeking me out...The most awesome thing happened between us, and this was not sexual...I could tell we both know something far deeper is happening, we just don't know how to handle it yet. We put it off for 14 years this last time....Right now, I would settle for knowing that there is love out there and that I deserve to be happy and in love the same as the next guy. I do love my husband, but I can no longer tell if it is love or pity or fear of what others would think...Help!

  • Hi Hopeful1,

    there is so much I'd like to say to you I hardly know where to begin. First, ((hugs)).

    If you've been to counseling then you likely have heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If not, here's a link. http://dslweb.nwnexus.com/jmashmun/npd/

    I grew up with a narcissist. I know it's tough.

    But best of all, it's not YOU!

    I guess the core of what I want to say to you is that if you feel you have expended enough time energy faith emotions and heartache, then it is time to move on. Though I don't know the particulars of your situation, it sounds like it's time to have a life that belongs to you. One that is joyful, serene, and productive. You can have it. But you need to resolve to put YOU first, and then take the necessary steps away from him. Narcissists rarely change; even though therapy can help, it is rare to see productive changes in the partner that significantly impact the relationship.

    Your special someone can come after you've made the change and done the healing work that living with an abuser requires.

    Take that step! It's only one, and it's a big one, but you can do it!

    You're in my prayers. : )



  • Hopeful1,

    one more thing. The NPD site is a very very good one; you will navigate the different areas of information at the bottom of the page.

    It's written in lay-person terms, not clinical terms like most sites.

    Give it a try. Remember, it's NOT you!


  • You know he has a problem. He doesn't seem to know that he has a problem, so he believes what he is telling you. There's only One who can change him. I would pray for him because he is living in hell. I would try to make plans for your life. You don't need someone to make you happy. I wish you weren't in this circle. I have been in a situation like this. It's actually a gift to be able to start new. One reason it's a gift is because it's your life. When you married, the two became one. He never became one. People like this don't experience Love because they don't know what Love is. So, that's why it is so hard. It's also hard to get to the point where you realize your life is a gift. It is. I wish you much happiness. Hope things get better!

  • hi hopeful--just want to tell you one thing-- i was maried for 35 years to a good man, but not in love with him. i started over in life 9 years ago and am still finding myself ! everyone has forgiven me with the exception of him. you have the right to find yourself to be happy, fulfilled, and to be with someone who loves you back the way you love him, if your lucky enough to find that person! don't stay out of guilt or sympthany only stay if its what YOU WANT IN YOUR HEART.

    the choice is only yours

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