Spiritual Boot Camp - Part Two
Never too late Greystar...lol. :0) Join in!
Captain...in looking at past partners...my exhusband...eh...physical...definitely physical. However, the physical got embarassing...since he was confrontation with people. I hated it when he would have "words" with people over something he felt was done wrong "to" him. Never his fault mind you. He really wasn't there for me emotionally since he was always pretty negative towards me. Now my last partner, I always felt like he didn't share himself completely all the time. There were times that I knew he was sharing real feelings with me but there were also times he really wasn't willing to open up. I just took it as not wanting to get hurt and opening himself up to feelings, which I think was true in a lot of it but in retrospect, there was definitely something lacking there. He was supportive of me and what I was going through and when he offered solutions, he did it in a way that made sense and wasn't gung ho about just telling me how to do it and expecting me to follow. He would offer me options which is how I think so it appealed to me. We didn't live together and that was by both of our choices although I think if anything, he frustrated me because he would refrain from including himself in my future. So..I would call him out on it and get words that would pacify me at the time. Financially...good head on his shoulders... Anyway, I'm moving in the right direction for relationships! LOL. He was 110% better than the ex husband all the way around. :0)
If you can't tell...I haven't had a lot of serious relationships in my 46 years. LOL.
angel hugs with flower petals for all
I will have to contemplate what I will reveal.
When I did a report for my EMDR councillor, it was 19 pages of typed information.
I still had a lot more to do.
May all be well with each of you
loving silver wings
That's right Greystar, there's never a late joining time on this thread - anyone can join in at anytime.
Honeykat4, whatever we give out, we get back. So there must be some part of yourself, how you feel about yourself, that believes you deserve to be attacked and abandoned. This probably goes back to your childhood when you may have been made to feel worthless and endangered. Try to figure out the source of this unworthiness or unlovability - how did you come to feel like such a helpless victim?
AuntBuck, it may be that you just didn't know what you were looking for all these years without many serious relationships. Maybe you were looking to find yourself rather than a partner.
ok i think i have what my connections that i would want, so now i need to figure out if i am getting this from my partner?
When you're able to speak intellectually with somebody, they tend to be open to other points of view... They roll it around in their heads and consider the surrounding information. They may not make it a point to agree or change their ideas to match yours, but the discussions aren't arguments and you leave your mind open to different ideas! I have a personal spirituality that would be hard for me to shove onto somebody else. I can express it and explain why it's comfortable and appropriate for me but I wouldn't want to debate about why theirs should be the same. Of course I expect respect for it, though!
I do admit that there are times I need to be emotionally validated. Most of the time I'm just involved in TALKING and then doing my own thing... when you're close to somebody and it's an appropriate time to be affectionate, then that's definitely reasonable. Sporatic sweet considerations are also reminders of how much you care. I'd like that... Not CONSTANT "how are you feeling?" or "come cuddle with me!"... I've found that that frustrates me.
To want to be with somebody who is attractive to you doesn't sound too crazy. I am an independent person but it would be great to know I had a little extra support if I needed it... I would never want to quit working and let the man do the work while I feel "useless" and lazy! I'm alive and I'm taking care of myself... BUT that 25% physical need is so that I can appreciate what they do for me at LEAST a quarter of the time!
With a past relationship~
I left out 10% because he wasn't exactly dedicated to me. My only attraction to him was physical... When I first met him anyway. He could talk my ear off about ridiculous stories, but they weren't very mind- stirring.. I would feel loved when he would say nice things about how he wanted to see me or when he commented on how I looked (but that was physical : ) and we said "I love you". He would express what he thought about his standing with his religion and I'd express how much my soul, in essence, had been hurt by things I was supposed to merit faith in. Not much reciprocation or real discussion... Like feedback, I mean. Basically just chit chat, really! But then he'd tell me he opened up to me the most? OH and I cannot forget to mention how often he lied. No details, but trust me.
I'm definitely expecting a lot more out of whoever I let in next. Not that I'm searching for or desperate for companionship. I just want to be truely regarded as somebody to care about... BLAH.
It is funny that I thought I had found myself and yet over the past year I moved forward more than I did in the years previously. So, I think you are right there. Finding myself is definitely the first priority.
I'm late to the game, but this is perfect for me too, and I've missed you Captain. I have already done a few of these things, like you read my mind, it does help
Should I share a personal past from childhood? I think I'm ready too, I am currantly still appearantly suffering from the past because they seem to be a root of anxiety that returned. I started a medicine to "fix" the problem so I can be free of the fear again, I was niave to beieleve I had beat it last year, but I find I don't want to take this med, Im scared to take this med, I'm afraid the effects will outweight the benefits as I've already noticed that it is doing just that, and I don't want to be a zombie, I am scared of the anxiety, but I am not interested in burrying it anymore with numbing meds with bad side effects, theres a few things I'm not wanting to go out and do that I would like too due to irrational fear, anxiety but I'm still more comfortable with the natural approach somehow, I feel safer with that somehow, if the cymbolta would have worked and I never tried then thats sad for me, but I hope I'm on the right path somehow.
Thank you so much Captain and Aunt Buck. Strange enough I have been writing things down for a week to see what makes sense to share and jumped out at me the most. Lately I keep seeing these parallels some between my childhood and my daughters. The more I think about it I think some of what happened to me as a child makes me feel guilty when I have to discipline her or have to work too much. I also see how she has been exposed to family illness and death at a young age as I was which makes you see how fragile or temporary life can be. I may try to break it into smaller parts the things before I was 14 and rhe things after.
Thank you for letting me know its not too late to join.
Some of my earliest memories are of fighting in my house, and my parents leaving us alone, I still have nightmares about that, I wake up saying don't leave over and over. To this day when I'm in anxious mode I still get upset when I'm alone, out of the mode I'm happy in solitude, but I get freaked out otherwise, and don't want to be alone all day.
Bluecat, some medications can help deal with present anxiety but they can't root out the real cause of it, that comes from the past. I can understand how you have developed a fear of being alone. There is a child inside you still stuck in that frightened 'no-parent-or-adult-around-to-save-me' mode. You need to become your own parent and best friend, someone who can talk to and soothe the frightened child inside when she gets anxious about being unsupported or unprotected. Do what you have to do to feel safe in the outside world, whether it means taking empowerment courses, building up your physical strength, doing self-defence classes, etc.
Ask yourself now - "What is the single most important thing I can do to make myself feel safe in the world?"
Greystar, it's important to see the patterns or beliefs or fears that are still influencing you to this day, some that you inherited from your parents and them from theirs, so that you don't pass them onto your children and so on down the line. THE FEAR STOPS HERE!
Bluecat - I haven't tried Cymbalta, but I watched a friend of mine change from a crying, sobbing, mess, unable to do anything - to a woman who has gone back and gotten a second degree and is approaching the job of a lifetime. She's anything BUT a zombie.
On the other hand, I once had a prescription for some anti-anxiety med that actually made me suicidal. After the 3rd night of plotting my demise, I woke up and realized it was the meds! They say it takes a month to get into your system, but I chucked them that night. It IS one of the side effects, 'in rare instances'.
I told my story to another friend, and the look of relief on her face was amazing. She had been having the same thoughts, and was really giving up. Never even considered it was the meds! Turned out her problem was food allergies.
There's a huge difference between a med just not working yet (like you're in the same place as before), and actually making things much, MUCH worse. Just wanted to throw that in for consideration.
Thanks Captain Aunt B told me about this thread right at the time I needed it no coincidences. I haven't been able to find the right med the side effects are to severe for me, I'm trying to face going the natural route this time and really get to the root of it. I drove myself crazy trying to decide to take the meds in the first place after the hell I went through with the last one. I used tarrot, iching anything to help me to know, but in the end I just had to try it and see what happend. I kept getting the literal death card over and over if the question was should I take it? and not getting it for should I not, it reavealed itself over and over, so I didn't want to take a chance, I took it anyway and noticed right away that it wasn't agreeing with me, but I don't know if that would just be temporary. Your so right there is that child still inside me wanting protection. My parents have realized their past mistakes now, but they can't really be there for me personally I beielve they feel so guilty they blame themselves and want to avoid me in some ways so they don't have to feel the pain of guilt. What can I do to make myself feel safe now? I am going to really look for an answer to that, I tell myself I am the adult now and can take care of the stuck little kid, hopefully it sinks in.
The death card by itself does not portend an actual death, but rather the death of an old way of life or attitude. To mean actual death, it has to come up with certain other Tarot cards.
Thanks sandpiper, your right there is a huge difference, its been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, I wanted it to work, I wanted it to do for me what it did for your friend, then I noticed it did a few of the things the other one I took before did, they are the same class, and I got worried at that point, because the last one almost ruined my life but I stopped it from happening. I can't see myself ending it all, to be honest thats one of the reasons I don't want to take it no matter how bad the reason is, I'm scared of the thought I could actually choose the wrong path and end up suicidal or something when I know I would never do that on my own.
The earliest memory I had was around age 2. My parents were very poor and we lived in a one bedroom apartment with a couple who lived in a one bedroom apartment above us. I remember being able to stand but being in a crib and our bedrooms were separated by a sheet. I vaguely remember what the apartment looked like. One night the fireplace caught fire and remember being very scared and crying as smoke was in my room. I remember my mom running to get me while my dad fought to put out the fire. My mom took me to the neighbors upstairs and laid me on the couch to go help my dad. I remember looking up at the neighbors and couldn't really talk but remember thinking something but don't remember what. I later learned my dad burnt his foot on a close hamper that had caught fire. For many years, I had nightmares about being in a house fire again which at the end I was standing on the burning embers. Not really sure what that means, but eventually I quit having the dreams when I got older.
I don't have much memories again until we moved in a second house. My great grandparents always had me a snack in the afternoons. I remember I loved the neighborhood made friends with elderly ladies next door. I was always visiting people and really enjoyed living there. My parents were very loving and taught me a lot and made me feel a part of what they were doing.
At some point, my parents began to build a house with the help of my grandfathers. One of my grandfathers was always kind. The other was a person who had to always be right and argued with people a lot. I remember bits and pieces of the house being built as I was either with a grandparent or with my parents while they were working on the house. When with my parents and most of my grandparents with the exception of one grandfather, I really felt a part of things.
I remember I knew how to read by the time I started school so my mom and the teacher used to send more challenging work for me so I would stop getting in trouble by giving kids the answers so they could go play. I felt very much a part of things at school even though we had a bully that most of our class had to learn to deal with regularly.
The next major thing I remember was when I was in third grade, my uncle had a motorcycle wreck which put him in a coma for 6 months. I remember my grandmother told me that a person could hear you from a coma so I talked to him and read him books every time I came. My whole class made him get well cards. I remember the doctors told us he had little chance to live, so my grandma decided to shook the respirator. A miracle happened, he began to breathe and came out of coma shortly thereafter. I got to see a lot of his rehabilitation but I remember being in awe that he could learn to write and speak again. From his actions, he taught me that nothing is impossible is you really try. His life has been an inspiration to me most of the life as he never gave up. He got frustrated and down but then would pull himself back up again and go on.
My parents were always strict about good grades, respect, and were somewhat overprotective. I tended to get in trouble for back talking mostly. At some point, my mom went to college full time and worked full time but I remember somehow she still found time to take me to girl scouts and friends houses.
When I was 10 years old, I was beat my my maternal grandfather because I wouldn't do something right then when he asked. I remember calling my friend to ask her to come get me as we were headed for vacation that day sometime. He beat me on my legs, bottom.of my feet.and thighs with a belt and belt buckle. I was trapped in this place by the phone just kicking at the.belt at one point crying and asking my grandmother and uncle to help me. As my uncle wed still recooperating from his motorcycle wreck and confined to a wheel chair. Although I had seen my grandma knock him out of the wheelchair I guess I expected him to help somehow my grandma just stood there. That day I had my first real encounter with fight or flight and in my mind I was ready to shoot my grandfather so he could not harm anyone again. When I told my uncle and grandmother to help me get his gun so he never hurt anyone again, I will never forget.my uncle telling me that he was not worth going to jail over. I also realized that day they were afraid of him. I swore to myself no man would ever hit me again. There is no explanation for grandpa is other than he's just a mean man. My parents were very angry as I has big bruises on my thighs when they found out. My friend and her parents were appalled when they picked me up for vacation and saw my legs.
My mother got in a pharmacy school when I was elementary and junior high. For the first year maybe year and a half she stayed in AL during the week and came home on weekends. My dad and I learned to manage the house when he worked a shift where I could stay home. ( He worked swing shift) When he worked odd shifts, I would alternate which grandparents house I would stay. I enjoyed staying with them and how close we all became but dreaded seeing my abusive grandfather. I learned just agreeing with him or pretending to listen kept the arguments with him to a minimum. I felt like I had to tolerate him to see my grandmother and have to love him cause he's family even if you did not like him. When I stayed up with my maternal grandparents, I had to listen to him rant and rave, put my uncle, me and my grandmother down. On occasion the arguments would become more than verbal, but he never hit me again like he did that once. He was book smart and had skills but his people skills were so poor no one could stand to be around him for long. At some point my dad insisted my mom commute daily nearly three hours back and and three hours home from school each day. By the time I was in 7th, my mom finally graduated and was home. I think my grandmother went to school to be an LPN sometime around this time. My grandfather always told her she was stupid and etc, but I always keep encouranging her as I knew she could do it and she did.
I remember a lot of high school was intermingled with tension over guys I dated.and etc and grades. My father and me spent much time fussing and jutting heads so to speak. No matter how well in school did he never seemed proud of me. A lot about me changed during this time. There was a lit of turmoil during these rebellious years. I will save this part for after 14 as a lot happened on all levels during those years.
I do not take my daughter around my grandfather as I do not want her exposed to the physical and mental abuse I was in my youth and broke off connection would him after my grandma found the courage to divorce him at age 70 after he broke her arm. I thought he was going to kill her when micromanaging her diabetes. An argument came up, I remember he stood up trying to intimidate me with his height. I thought to myself I can take him at the knees if he hits me or call the Police and press charges. I remember thinking my grandma is not going to die today so I mustered all the courage I had and looked him square in the eyes and told him you better remember I'm not 10 anymore. At that point an uncle had walked in and stepped between us. He tried to intimidate the whole family when grandma left him but grandma managed to make it to finalize the divorce. Threatening to harm us and the man I think was unstable enough to do it. The drama surrounding the divorce did not end until the divorce was finalized. I will never forget one of my aunts put her out of te house when my grandfather started threating them as well. I was appalled at the fact at how many people were afraid of him even as adults.
I have managed to find a way to forgive most of the family for the things they did out of fear or did not do but it took a very long time and a lot of healing. My uncle remarried a couple years back and I remember my granfather was at the wedding. I looked at one of my cousins as he did not come inside for the reception and sat in the balcony away from everyone during the family. I told her that we should at least be civil and offer him some food. I felt it was the right thing to do even though I know a lot of what was happening was consequences of his own actions catching up with him.
I saw and still at times see myself jump to the defensive quickly over things that relate to his behavior. If a person raises there voice to me, I tend to snap back quickly and nip it in the bud. I have to somewhat consciously remind myself not to take what they said personal and respond without being defensive. I tend not to react too well to when someone comes off as condescending.
I feel I need to find a way to forgive him for all the torment he has done to me and most of the family but I have not been able to do so after the last even which lead to my grandmother divorcing him. My mother told my daughter at some point the real reason my grandmother left my papa which I really wish she had not done. It is such a hard topic for me to speak about with her especially when she told a teacher I used to have that is now her teacher that my grandfather beat me with a belt buckle. I know the questions she ask are out of curiousity but she asks them continuously until I feel like crying or have to ask her to stop. I had to explain to her that there are some bad people in this world and it just so happens that this granfather is one of them and that he has no morals and few to no friends due to how he acts.
I think it is one reason I hesitate to do any physicaly discipline like spankings very often as I always think of what happened to me and feel guilty after spanking her. I know that I discipline her out of love and I am not the same person but I see how it at time affects my parenting as I tend to sop her in her tracks if she exibits behavior that reminds me of his. I try to explain why the behavior she exhibits at times is not ok and why.
Some of what I have written here will make more sense when I get into the teen years and my relationships later.
Greystar, it's a good thing you had your uncle as an example of how strong a man could be when you were surrounded by so many other weak male figures.