Spiritual Boot Camp - Part Two

  • "If we grow up being treated invisable--our needs ignored---that manifests as a disconnect later in meeting our own needs long after our abuser is gone---we repeat it."---True!

    "We don't do anything for no reason - we hang onto fears and/or bad situations because we are getting something out of them, even if they are unhealthy."---True!

    I'd like to add that sometimes it's not even hanging onto the other person somehow, but not knowing who we are when we aren't that abused, neglected person. Who am I if I let that go? Fear of the unknown vs. comfort in the known, even if it's bad. It's scary.

    "Find out WHY you still cling to your issues and you will figure out how to release them." - And that's the million dollar question(s)! Right this second, I'm thinking of changing my screen name to 'baby steps'! My brain hurts.

  • Good one Sandpiper- that is another very common fear.

    FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN (or 'better the devil you know...')

    Not changing ourselves and our lives can see us stuck in stagnant, unpleasant and even dangerous situations. Yet change is a very scary thing. It makes demands that can create much stress for us. The very uncertainty of if we will be able to cope with these demands creates pressure. This is a very natural fear. New experiences and demands can be stressful. We don't know just what is round the corner, and we worry about this.On the other hand, maybe you know exactly what's round the corner and you're not sure how you will cope with it. Perhaps you have faced change before and didn't cope well with it last time, leading to doubt and anxiety about what will happen this time round. Often if we have a bad experience we are influenced by it and almost expect history to repeat itself, setting up negative expectations.

    Fear of the unknown is a peculiar condition where we find ourselves at our wit's end while thinking of embarking upon something we are not acquainted with. It is quite a common phenomenon with human beings, when they do not wish to accept or meet with anything unfamiliar in terms of any situation or individual. If allowed to persist, the fear can ultimately lead to a very restricted lifestyle, devoid of the various essences in life. Some people can break through this fence, ignore the warning signals, and seek new opportunities. There is a rush associated with this behavior that beats any drug. It's precisely that feeling of danger that provides the rush. Unfortunately, most of us can't bring ourselves to fling ourselves headlong through the fence (or at least not very often), so is there an alternative for the rest of us chickens out here who are not happy in the fence, but not impulsive enough to throw caution to the wind?

    What can be the primary reasons of a fear of the unknown?

    There is a certain safety center in our body that keeps us alarmed of the various dangers that come into our way of life. We come to know of these safety limits during our growing years as a child. While as a child we were often restricted by our parents or enfeared by them, if faced with an unusual situation. It is from then that we have become apprehensive about meeting anything new and foreign. Thus, this fear in a way restricts an individual into a particular fenced area of the known, depriving them of the excitement of meeting the strange and the unusual.

    The various symptoms of fear of the unknown

    This type of fear accompanied with a number of familiar symptoms, like rapid heart rate, dry mouth, constant perspiration, lack of clear thought and speech, trembling in fear, fear of dying, anxiety attacks, breathing trouble, and a plethora of associated difficulties in survival. However, it must be remembered that you are neither the first nor the last one to suffer from the plight of the peculiar fear of the unknown.

    The effectual remedies

    Though this type of phobia is not that fatal to an individual, yet it should definitely be remedied in order to enjoy a healthy carefree life bereft of any fear. For that, first of all, we have to turn the unfamiliar into familiar. This can be successfully achieved through meditation and by playing upon our imagination. Our mind does not have any restrictions if we allow it. Nor does our imagination. Our thoughts and imagination, if applied, can definitely solve much of the problem of the fear of the unknown.

    Self help techniques are the best way to help yourself out of this peculiar plight by resurrecting your lost confidence and helping you build up a healthy mindset that frees you from the shackles of your fear. It removes the negative feelings and ideas about the fear of the unknown or unfamiliar and restores the mental and physical peace. So before you do something you fear, go over it in your mind, step-by-step. Deal with any obstacle you might encounter in your imagination until you feel more comfortable and safe about doing it, having covered all the possible exigencies. But don't use this process to put off doing it all together, just to remove the fear surrounding it.

    This technique takes no money, no special skills, just a few minutes each day. Sit down somewhere quiet for a few minutes (if you have rambunctious children or a crazy schedule, you might have to do this in bed each evening or even when you have a few minutes to yourself in the bathroom). Close your eyes and think about the thing that has been scaring you. Don't worry about the fear of even thinking about it. In the privacy of your imagination, you are totally safe. Imagine step by step, doing the activity that has been giving you the flutters. At each step, stop and ask yourself what could go wrong at that point, how likely that really is, and what you can do to avoid the problems. What you are doing is looking around for the monsters outside the fence and seeing if there really is any danger to worry about. Once that is done, you can imagine yourself doing the steps to your goal, visualizing in vivid detail each bit as if you were actually doing it.

    The results of this technique is that you can do something over and over again as many times as you need to until it becomes so familiar that there is no fear involved. What you are doing is essentially extending the fence to include wherever you want to go. This is something you can do again and again, making the fence bigger and bigger to include anyplace you wish. The biggest benefit is that rather than throwing yourself headlong through the fence and then possibly discovering all those problem and "monsters" that you mind had been warning you were there, once you have already committed yourself, instead you get to scope out the terrain bit by bit, and by the time you meet an obstacle, you generally saw it coming and already know what to do about it.

    Article by Meredith Keeney

  • Thanks!

  • Question for all - if you need security to feel safe, why is it you feel you can't provide it for yourself? Why do you feel the need for someone else to provide it for you? Why do you doubt yourself?

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  • "Even if the relationship isn't my dream relationship, it is still better than being completely alone."

    And so you never try for a better relationship because you prefer security over true love and happiness. That sort of thinking is a comfortable trap that may prevent you from getting what you truly want. It is scary to take a chance of finding and making a better life for yourself but in the end the greater rewards are worth it. By settling for less than you deserve or can attain, you only cheat yourself.

    Do you really think it is boring to be a powerful and self-sufficient person as compared to being dependent and weak? What happens if the person you are leaning on disappears? You fall down and can't get up on your own.

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  • So you don't feel your husband deserves your love in return for his material support?

  • That's a tough question that I can't really answer. I've been doing it alone for a long time. Very long time on a couple different occasions. It's just nice to be in a relationship with someone. Hard to explain. I can say that I have grown so much that when I am in a relationship it is about both of us getting our needs met and being able to be self-sufficient. I am no longer able to put up with just "anything" to be in a relationship and I won't. Probably why I was single for 9 years before getting together with someone. After being with someone for 3 years, I have been alone again for a year and a half. I recently went on a date with someone and will probably go out with them again this weekend but I don't feel that "something" with this person. I could be really good friends with them but that would be it. I don't feel the spark.

    I give myself security I guess because I have taken care of myself and my children for a long time. However, I think that if I was in the same type of relationship I had last time with a few adjustments...it would be pretty great. As I mentioned, my ex husband and I didn't work well and there were all sorts of issues in that relationship. There were issues in my last relationship that weren't in my marriage so I think I'm making progress on the relationship front and I know what I want and don't want. Anyway...security...maybe what I'm looking for is financial security of having another income in the house, someone to lean on when I get tired and frustrated? I've done self-soothing for so long...it would be nice to have someone help me with that. The right someone...not just anyone.

  • I am having a trouble With Number 9 on the List Could You give me Some insight Or Help with That Captain I really need Help with it.



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  • You can't buy love. I return my husband's material gifts with keeping the house clean, kids happy etc but that is not love.

  • If someone is committed does that mean Love or Insanity lol

  • HAHAHA!!!! Fine line indeed! good one!

    I think all partnerships have their own unique balance not to be compared. If it's working leave it alone. It is a fine machine. Some may think oh I could never clean up after a man yet another finds that is their part of the machine that keeps it working---each contributes in a way that makes the best of what they are good at. Some men are worker bees--it is what they do best---they are not good at paying bills---handeling crises so they find a partner who is good at that and they each contribut in their own best ways to make the machine keep rolling. Too many younger women feel the need to compare and want to change the man rather than just make the best of who he is. This doesn't mean you should put up with a miserable union if the machine is not working but I think if we respect the best in each other and stay away from the unrealistic lists of should and shouldn'ts and stay focused on our own unique relationship we would be happier. If a woman really feels no way could she do the housewife thing than do not marry a man who hates it as welll. I think many bad unions come from not being realistic about who each other are beyound the sparks of attraction. On a spiritual level---conflict often is a tool for growth---so again--there is no rule book---our journeys are each unique.

  • You can buy my love! Just kidding.

  • Haha Poetic, another collector idea...

    Blmoon your words are so true, each to their own.

  • Everyone seems to be looking for an ideal partner - someone who will support and love us unconditonally and be there when we need them, yet also give us our freedom when we need it too. But do such perfect selfless people exist? Are we perhaps wasting our time dreaming of a romantic ideal? If everyone you encounter seems flawed, could it be that you have unrealistic expectations? All of us, men and women, are looking for that perfect sort of love partner so maybe it's a futile search since we are all flawed. Perhaps we should be working on ourselves first to improve our relationship and character qualities. Then maybe someone will regard us as the perfect partner. How do you think you measure up as someone's romantic ideal?

  • Honeykat4, number 9 on the list is -

    "Imagine how you would feel if everyone around you disappeared or left. Would you feel afraid/insecure/gutted? What exactly do you fear happening if everyone (which is very unlikely) suddenly didn't want to know you? Is this fear about feeling unlovable or unwanted, or being abandoned, or simply fearing being left on your own because you feel uncomfortable in your own company or don't really like yourself (and if so, why)? Or is it something else? Could you live well by yourself if it meant forever?"

    What are you having problems with here? Don't you know how you would feel if you were alone? Are you always surrounded by people in your life? Do you have enough alone time to really get to know yourself well? It's only when we are by ourselves that we can see who we really are. When we are in the midst of other people, it's hard to tell how much of us is us and what is simply an adoption of other people's thinking or mannerisms in order to fit in and be liked.

  • Ahhh...that's a statement that will invoke some thought. I will say my first thought was "hmmm...do I measure up. I'm not this, this or this...but I am this." So...for me this is double-edged because I recognize my good traits but I am also very much aware of my bad traits. I guess I would look at it as am I doing anything that is a deal breaker in a relationship. And yes, I do. For some people. Some people overlook one thing but not another, others will be ok with that thing but not something else.

    Captain, do you ever long for male companionship?

  • I find it's just companionship of any sort I want now. To be with people of like minds and positive attitudes is my biggest satisfaction these days. To be with my 'tribe'...

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