I've upset a Pisces female friend -- how to handle?
Sorry guys, this is a bit lengthy, but I'm really confused and am in need of some advice. Before I begin, I have to give a little background info so that hopefully my confusion can be better understood. I'm a Virgo male, and my subject is a Pisces female. We've been going to the same gym for about three years. Before we knew each other, we would only say hi in passing. I was always attracted to her, and I always had the feeling that she was also attracted to me. I would always catch her looking, and she would smile, look away and blush. Anyway, long story short, a year ago, I just happened to end up getting a job at the same company she worked for … in the same building, on the same floor! So naturally, we slowly became friends. And with her being a Pisces, the word "slowly" is an understatement. Over time, she started doing/saying things that made me think she was interested in more than friendship. For example, one day she told me that every morning when she gets to work, she looks for my car so that she can park next to me/close to me. Keep in mind, there are about 5000 people at our company, so she has plenty of options when it comes to parking. And then there was the obvious: strong eye contact, smiling, blushing, finding every reason to be close to me, etc. Anyway, I made it obvious that I was into her too, and she picked up on it, so we had a talk about three months ago and mutually decided that as long as we worked together, it would be a bad idea to be anything more than friends. So in the meantime, we've become quite close. It's gotten to the point that we talk/text every night until one of us falls asleep.
Well here's where the complication starts. Ever since I've known her, she's openly admitted to having commitment issues. She feels like she's so committed to her job and so tied down to meetings/schedules that when she is away from work, she wants the complete opposite. Then, I came to find out through a mutual friend that this woman has been seeing a man for the last three years or so, but she described it as "complicated" because even though they're together, they're always on and off again, and she's not happy with the guy, but stays with him because she's comfortable. To this day, she's not mentioned a word about him to me, but she does openly talk about him to literally everyone else BUT me. Anyway, here's where my problem really starts …
About three weeks ago, a guy came into the gym that was eyeing her and made an attempt at approaching her. She came to me and asked me to walk her to her car because she was scared. So I did, and later that night, we were talking about it on the phone and she said she would have to stop going to that gym for a while so that he would get the hint that she wasn't interested in him. In an attempt to calm her down, I told her that as long as I was there, she wouldn't have to worry about it because I would make sure he didn't bother her. Her response was "Well I appreciate that, but I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself" [Again, typical Pisces ] So she didn't go to the gym for a few nights, and so I called her up one night and asked her if she would want to go running the next day when I got off work. Her response was "Nope, not gonna happen … I can't commit to a time." Well, that irritated me instantly, so instead of saying "Ok, that's cool", I kept on and on and on trying to talk her into it, and she finally said "No, it's NOT going to happen!"
The next day, I didn't hear from her at all, and so I sent a text apologizing for being pushy. My apology wasn't even acknowledged. The next day, Sunday, I see her at the gym, and she initiates conversation with me, but is extremely short and rude. She was definitely not being her normal self. So as she was leaving, she waved goodbye, and before she could leave, I asked her what was bothering her. She said "Nothing, I'm fine. Bye." Well, every day at work that week, she would smile or wave as she passed by my desk, but any time I tried to approach her and talk to her, she was very rude and short. What confused me about her actions, though, was that she was still parking next to me every day. Midway through the week, I sent her a text saying "Been a few days since we've talked, just wanted to say what's up!", which also was never acknowledged. So I asked our mutual friend if she knew what was bothering my friend. She said that my friend had told her that she and I were kind of going through something right now, that I crossed the line with my pushiness, and that I think there's more to our relationship than what's really there, so she's had to be cold and distance herself from me to get me to back off. Keep in mind, this is coming from the woman that parks next to me every day so she can be close to me, texts me every night before we go to bed, etc. AND, if she's really trying to distance herself from me, why does she still park next to me and smile and wave as she walks by my desk??
This all started two weeks ago. The last time I saw her was this past Tuesday morning, and she smiled like a Cheshire cat as she walked by and said "Hello there!". Later that day, she left for vacation and has been gone since. She will be back tomorrow.
So what do I do now? I've backed off completely, but have still been friendly, as when she smiles/waves, I reciprocate, but I haven't approached her/tried talking to her in over a week. Is she waiting on me to make a formal apology in person? Also, our mutual friend told me that she and her boyfriend, or whatever he is, have been having some trouble lately, so could that be another reason why she's backed off so suddenly? How should I handle this? Continue to leave her alone, but reciprocate her friendly actions? Or should I approach her and give my sincere apologies for my actions, then back off again?
I don't see from above that you should be apologising for anything... Also sounds like she's just playing around with you and keeping you around because you're giving her one good ego boost after another. When she's back, I'd stay polite but not more than that. And I wouldn't initiate anything cause it sounds like she gets a kick out of rejecting you time after time ('he wants me so badly, he keeps coming back for more' kinda thing).
Show her you deserve better!
Being a pisces myself, I think I can give you some advice on what to do.
I think you should approach her and give her your sincere apologies for your actions. She would appreciate that. You then should let her have her space. If she's having trouble with her on and off again "boyfriend" then I'm sure that's one major reason why she is acting the way she is. Back off but continue to be friendly with her when she does interact with you. Don't expect anything out of her though. Pisces are very complicated.
Hope I helped atleast a little bit.
I agree that you did cross the line with your pushiness, and that, along with the problems with her "boyfriend," is why she is acting cold and distant. Giving her a sincere apology for your actions will help. Though she's been acting cold and distant, she still parks next to you and smiles and waves to you while walking by your desk is either because (1)she probably does have feelings for you, more than just being a friend, but since she has commitment issues and is comfortable with her "boyfriend" she doesn't want to take one step forward in building something other than a friendship with you. Or (2)She likes you and doesn't want to lose you as a friend but your pushiness upset her and she wants you to back off for a while.
Personally, I think since she is not happy with her "boyfriend" but only stays with him because it is comfortable, she should break things off with him. Happiness should matter more over being comfortable.
Good luck to you Nick.
Another pisces woman here, you don't owe her an apology.
Yes, we take things slow, but it seems she was flirting with you
and got your attention, almost like leading you on.
If you really like her, be straight with her rather than second guess.
If she is not interested in you romantically and just wants to be friends,
you have your answer, you can move on.
Piscesgirl4life is right, we can be complicated!
We sometimes will stay in a situation even if we are not happy, and we are very friendly which can lead to the wrong idea.
Once you have us, we are quite the catch you know.....LOLl
Thanks for all of your replies! Piscesgirl, sometimes I think the same thing ... I think that she likes me and is afraid to take that step. But other times, I think like Hels and Piscesstar ... I think it's all for attention. I guess one thing that puzzles me is if she was so concerned with me getting close, why didn't she just say "I have a boyfriend."? We could have still been friends.
I'm a clairvoyant reader on this line. In answer to your question: Keep in mind, this is coming from the woman that parks next to me every day so she can be close to me, texts me every night before we go to bed, etc. AND, if she's really trying to distance herself from me, why does she still park next to me and smile and wave as she walks by my desk??
I feel like she has abandament issues from her childhood, her father more than likely left her Mother to raise her and siblings, they had a hard time of it. She wants to be able to take care of herself (work) and also she has trust issues with men, so she has attached herself to a man that leaves her either through travel or just leaves and comes back in which she tells herself is fine with her, yet it is not really only serves to fuel the distrust.
Enters you, she is attracted to you and is of a mind to want to know you better, in which she has let you know this, yet when you became more aggressive about the connection, she stepped back and started to think that perhaps she should not start this affair, as it scares her somewhat on an emotional level. Is she in an abusesive relationship now? That would be something to find out if you can. She is a woman that needs some healing done and than she would become a bit more positive , and in my opinion she needs to leave the man she is with at this time. I hope this helps you to make imformed deceisons in regards to Ms. Pieces.
Wow Shuabby, you're dead on about the abandonment issue. She hasn't told me herself, but our mutual friend told me several months ago that she only sees her father once a year, and that he did leave them when she and her sister were children. And as for the man in her life, he doesn't travel, but when they are "off", he is the one that leaves her. You're also correct in that she has trust issues, but I'm not sure if it's isolated to just men, as most of her friends are men. Or maybe that in itself has something to do with it? I'm not sure if she's in an abusive relationship, but I actually know her boyfriend's son (not friends, I just know who he is and have heard things about him), and if the saying "like father, like son" is true, then I would say he's emotionally abusive to her. His son treats women like garbage. Thank you, Shuabby, that was very insightful!
"Enters you, she is attracted to you and is of a mind to want to know you better, in which she has let you know this, yet when you became more aggressive about the connection, she stepped back and started to think that perhaps she should not start this affair, as it scares her somewhat on an emotional level."
I thought this at one point, myself ... that maybe she was scared. First of all, it was such a sudden 180. There was nothing gradual about it. I think had she truly been doing this because she felt like I was trying to get too close, she would have done this a very long time ago, or at least gradually. Or like I said earlier, "I have a boyfriend" would have been sufficient. There would be no need to act in the manner that she's currently acting. Second, in all of this time that I've known her and that we've become friends, literally the three weeks prior to this incident was the timeframe in which she was becoming the closest to me. She became closer to me in those three weeks than she has combined over the entire time I've known her. I honestly thought that maybe she could feel that things were maybe starting to happen, I got too aggressive, she got scared and backed off from me as far as she could and as quickly as she could, yet stayed in close proximity to me in other ways while she tried to sort herself out.
I can sense that you care about her and would like to enter into a relationship with her. You will have to show a lot of compassion and understanding to her, as she is caught on the inside looking out at this time. Timing in life is so essential to everything that happens to us. Be her friend for now, tell her if she ever needs someone to talk to than you are there.
Don't just focus on her as it seems you are really involved here finding out facts about her ect.
Let her know also if the opportunity present itself that you are still dating other women which would be advisable for you to do. Are you yourself the possessive type?She does not need to be possessed, she needs to find a nururing, stable (Father replacement) type of love.
I wish you the best of luck in this matter of the heart.
Again, thank you all so much for the responses you've given me! It's greatly appreciated!!
Just wondering if there is anything new with your situation?
Shuabby is a very good reader and has some great advice.
Hope all is well
Hi Piscesstar, she's actually still on vacation, so I've still not seen/talked to her. Before all of this happened, she told me she may take two weeks instead of one, so that's what she's done. So it's been over two weeks now, and I've still yet to try and initiate any kind of contact with her. I'm curious to see how she acts toward me when she gets back next Monday.
There are two things I've thought about over the last couple of days:
1. I forgot to mention in my original post that the main reason we even had a talk about not dating because we work together is because she is kind of high up within our unit. She's not like the VP or anything, but she's significantly higher up than myself and the other 90% of the people in the building. If we were to date as things are, it could potentially be considered a major conflict of interest. I'm not trying to take up for her in this respect, as I'm not doubting she could be loving the attention, but I'm just mentioning that in case that may explain some of her actions.
2. It's my belief that, no matter how much she likes the attention, in the year that we've become close and in all of the daily conversations we've had, if she truly did not want me to get any closer, or if she even had an inkling that I may want more than friendship and the feeling wasn't mutual, she would have at least mentioned having a boyfriend long ago, even if just in passing. Also, to me at least, it seems like it would have been 100 times easier to mention having a boyfriend rather than going through all of this trouble to get me to back off, all the while still trying to be close to me in other respects.
Again, thank you to everyone who has contributed to this thread, it's greatly appreciated! And you're totally right, Piscesstar ... I'm still blown away at Shuabby's accuracy of my friend's history and background!
If you want a compatibility reading, let me know.
PS I would need both birthdates.
I do have a brief update for anyone interested:
So she came back yesterday, and not much has changed. Still parking close by, still waving and smiling. She was at the gym last night, and she was very talkative, joking, and flirty with my friends, but very short with me. A smile followed by "hi" is about all she gave me. She made it a point to not cross paths with me all night, so I just laid back once again ... I didn't approach her and I acted like everything was fine, and that I wasn't bothered. As I went to grab my stuff to leave, she approaches me and initiates conversation, and this is how that went:
her: Hi, how's it going?
me: Doing well, how are you?
her: Good ....
me: How was your vacation?
her: Awesome. No complaints. See ya.
And she walked off. So basically, she was blatantly friendly to my friends while I was around, but was short with me and avoided me all night ... yet when I'm about to leave, she initiates conversation with me and is still short. Why even approach me? Why go through the trouble of starting a conversation?
Something I thought of that hasn't occurred to me until today: don't you think it's funny that it's been almost a month now since she started acting this way, and I've yet to ask her why she's doing it? Had it not been for our mutual friend, I would still have no clue. So she's probably just as puzzled as to why I haven't asked her what's up, just as much as I am as to why she's acting like this in the first place. Is she trying to get me to ask what I've done, just by initiating conversations, yet keeping them short? Or is she just playing games?
It's frustrating the not knowing what is going on with her.
As for me, when I like someone, I become shy and quiet, (which I am now working on changing that) because I am much older than you! That worked in my really younger yrs! Having a brief conversation, there could be some feelings there.
If I like you as a friend, I will be chatty and very friendly and that is as far as it goes, it won't be a romantic relationship.
She probably doesn't know what she wants. You can give her space for now and see if she initiates contact with you.
Did I tell you we are complicated??? LOL
As for me,
I still prefer a straight forward approach, in a gentle manner, maybe just try to be honest with her about your feelings and see where she is at in her life, and you will know where you stand. This is just my opinion, its your decision.
Its not easy, but its more stressful not knowing!
Hi Piscesstar, thank you again for your input!! I have one more question for you. Here's what's happened since my last post:
A couple of nights ago, I decided to approach her just to test the waters. I pretended to have a question about work, so I just said "Hi, can I ask you something?" She turned around, all smiles, and said "Yes of course, go ahead!" And we ended up talking outside for about 30 minutes, just like old times. There was nothing gradual about her change in attitude, it was like a light switch. So the next day at work, she even approached me at my desk and we talked for a couple of minutes, and even that night at the gym, she was friendly just like old times. Once again, she waited on me to finish, and we walked out together. I asked her one question about her vacation, and she started getting short with me again. It's like she won't open up to me anymore whatsoever. That was Wednesday night, and since then, she has been just like she was the past few weeks: short and rude, yet still friendly from afar.
Here's what really blows my mind: the question I had for her about work was related to a job that I'm interested in. This job would not only bring us much closer together, as we would be working directly with each other on a weekly basis, but it would also eliminate any conflict of interest that might exist if we had become more than friends. And not only has she encouraged me to go after it, but she has put in a good word for me! So that means that she's spent the last month distancing herself from me because I've tried to get too close, and is still shunning me, yet she is encouraging me to go after a job that will bring us closer together. My head is spinning!!
So Piscessstar, I'm thinking you're right, and that the best option is to just approach her and be straight forward. BUT ... since there is a good possibility that we may be working even closer together soon, I may just have to ditch the whole idea of being anything more than friends. All that I want her to know is that I respect her desire to distance herself (which should be obvious considering I haven't tried texting her in a month, and I've only approached her once), but that I also consider her to be a good friend and that I'm there for her if she needs anything. So how do I say that without making things more awkward? At this point, I just miss my friend.
Oh and something else that I thought about: do you think that she might find it odd that it's been a month now, and I still haven't approached her to ask if I've done something, or why she's acting so strange toward just me? The reason I haven't asked is because I already know why, but I haven't found out directly from her yet.
It crossed my mind that maybe she's approaching me and generating short, rude conversations in the hopes that I'll crack and ask why she's acting that way. I have no idea.
Your very smart and I like the way you have approached your situation so far.
I keep telling you, we can be quite complicated.
I can see why your head is spinning.
Do you have the patience to wait things out and see where it goes?
Can you let things just move at her pace?
Working together may complicate the friendship, thats a tough one. But there is a possibility it can work, they say, "never say never".
I do think she is wondering why you have not approached her about her actions, I know I would be thinking that way. We do think too much at times and over analyze things too.
Nick83, you may have to sit back right now and just wait if you get the new position at work.
If you get the position, then I would use the wait and see approach with her.
One step at a time just while you are waiting on this new position, then take it from there.
Maybe not being direct with your feelings for her right now, would be an ideal thing.
I say just wait for now.