UPDATE-Son w/ reoccurring choking dream

  • Blmoon, Captain, missbethsangels, MyJourney & RCdreamer,

    I just wanted to give an update on a previous post “HELP w/ son’s reoccurring choking dream: http://www.tarot.com/forum/topic.php?id=12769&replies=34.

    Sleep Apnea: My son is doing SO much better with his sleeping due to the small adjustments we made; new pillow, saline wash in shower, nasal strips, adjusting his allergy meds, limiting his dairy intake especially at night & removing a Plug-In room freshener. We were going to see the ENT during spring break, unfortunately that didn’t happen but we are still attempting to get this done.

    DREAM: THIS DISCUSSION TOOK ON A LIFE OF IT’S OWN!!! I don’t know where to start on this but when we talked to our son it completely opened the flood gates to tons of emotions on things he’s been thinking about:

    • FORGIVING the boy who pushed my son from behind down the stairs. It doesn’t matter how this happened we had to forgive him to move past this. We didn’t realize just how bad my son felt about this and he’s put it in a box and he didn’t want to discuss it but the “stuff” in the box has been oozing and bothering him. We are working past this. My son felt “betrayed” by his friend but never got to “mourn” the loss of this friendship. He’s had some energy work done and I talked to him about seeing a counselor but that didn’t fly so we are trying to work past this and help him deal with this.

    • SAFETY and TRUST was discussed. Last spring he was kicked in the back while the guys were horsing around we knew about this; however, we discovered there’s more to the story. ANOTHER KID FILMED IT WITH HIS PHONE – my son said it was planned because the other boy who kicked him said to the kid with the phone “did you get it” meaning the filming. My son brushed it off as no big deal and made the other kid delete the video but my son told us he thought he goofing off with people he could trust but he was “attacked” from behind - AGAIN. The boy who kicked my son apologized but that didn’t help with my son’s trust concerns.

    • FOOTBALL is a REALLY BIG DEAL! We don’t know what’s going on there but my son opened up about how a few of the coaches are treating him, he says he thinks they are singling him out and they want him to quit. He told us he doesn’t have any idea why but he’s been singled out A LOT for stuff that other people do with no issue. Monday they were given their positions to work on and my son is in a position with 6 other guys ALL are tall and slender, my son is 6”2 & 275 lbs. he’s a LINEMAN build but they have him in a position he’d struggle to do well. He talked to his coach about trying out at Guard, where he won an MVP award for last year, and the coach replied “Nope, you make it where I put you or you don’t” then he turned around and walked off. My son told us “I’m not being a victim, something’s not right”. My husband and I think he’s right about this but we can’t figure out what. You don’t put a kid in a position to fail but this seems to be what they’re doing and it doesn’t seem there are trying to “fire him up” to work harder. My son is a sophomore in high school, he’s 15 years old and he’s MISERABLE in a sport he LOVES and studies. He wants to quit football, we never thought we’d ever hear those words.

    • SCHOOL - We’ve had HUGE discussions about all of this and my son is miserable. We know life isn’t always easy or fair and he has to learn how to fight through things but for the love of God this is ridiculous! We asked him if he’d be interested in switching to St. Michaels a Catholic school and he didn’t hesitate and wants to move NOW. He said “maybe your friends on the Tarot blog want me to GO to St. Michaels versus me just getting a medallion, besides they have a GREAT football program”. He was SO EXCITED we didn’t have a chance to slow him down. The deadline has passed for enrollment but we can still take a tour and put in an application and he could be on a wait list. When he found out about the deadline he said “I don’t care about the deadline, let’s take a tour. I think I’m supposed to be there”. I hope this isn’t just a pipe dream because OMG he’ll be heartbroken. I don’t believe we’re helping him run away, we want him to gain confidence and we believe he he’s at now is reaching a tipping point of fighting through things vs not having confidence in himself.

    We have a lot of thinking and working to do with him and none of this would have been brought to light if ya’ll hadn’t picked up on this. Things are better because they’re being discussed but there is WORK to be done. I am asking for some advice, insight or guidance please.

    1. How to help my son grieve the loss of his friendship and forgive this kid and move on from the stairwell incident.

    2. How can I help my son feel more empowered and less fearful

    3. WHAT IN THE HECK IS GOING ON IN FOOTBALL??? Is my son just feeling like a “victim” or is he being singled out? If he is WHY??? Do they want him to quit?

    4. Is him switching to St. Michaels in his best interest? If so, do you see him getting into this school for next fall?

    Thanks again for EVERYTHING

    Love and blessings from Texas

  • 1. By talking about it, your son is already releasing bad feelings and working through it. Encourage him to share more. he should also write his feelings down in an email or letter and send it to the other boy. (Or not even send it if he doesn't want to - just write down what he wants to say and then burn the letter.)

    2. You should not encourage him to move school if it is just to run away becasue otherwise he will just enocunter the same problems everywhere he goes until he learns to deal with them.

    3. The coaches are not picking on your son - he has to get out of this victim consciousness. They see him withdrawing from the other children and moving further and further away from the team and are trying to help him establish more connectedness and co-operation with others. If they allow him to do what he wants (be a guard) this position tends to isolate him more. They want him to play in different positons because they see more talent in him than he does in himself and they also think he will get stuck in his atttiudes if he stays in the same position all the time. He also has to learn to trust and obey his coaches when they know better than he does. Trust is a big issue with your son and his team sports and at school in general. The other kids sense he mistrusts them and react accordingly.

    4. as for 2. I feel this is just running away from his problems. Again I urge you to consider getting him into martial arts so as to learn discipline before he gets to the point of using his size and strength as a weapon.

  • Thank you Captain

  • Dear Kookish,

    I checked in with your sons' angels to see what their divine guidance would be on your questions. Here is what they said:

    1. How to help my son grieve the loss of his friendship and forgive this kid and move on from the stairwell incident.

    Archangel Michaels comes forward (he still says he has adopted your son lol) and says for your son to forgive the boy, not his behavior. Forgiveness does not mean he condones or approves of this boy's actions. They were wrong. And this boy knows this too. Just as your son has endured others' judgments, and he recognizes that "they" are not qualified to judge...so goes for your son. Judgment of others is based in one's Ego. I am right, you are wrong. I am a better person than you are. I have more loving parents than you do. The list is endless. There is only one Judge, and that is our Creator. Forgive the boy, not his actions. Forgive the boy's highest self, who is a spirit just finding his way. He needs love and forgiveness to move on his journey. Not judgment. Your son needs the same things. Love and forgiveness. Not judgment. Forgive...and move on. It's a mindset. Lead from your heart not your mind. Forgive.

    2. How can I help my son feel more empowered and less fearful

    Your son needs two things: love of himself and faith in a higher power than himself. Trusting in a power greater than he is. Fear is his own ego talking. Putting himself down, dwelling on his insecurities. Push through the fears. What are they? One at a time, help him focus on them. What is on the other side of that fear? Then work with him to push through to see that all of the hesitation...was nothing to be feared at all. Because he did it. And faith in not only his own abilities, but those of his angels and of God. He is not alone, and he at times feels he is.

    3. WHAT IN THE HECK IS GOING ON IN FOOTBALL??? Is my son just feeling like a “victim” or is he being singled out? If he is WHY??? Do they want him to quit?

    Do not worry about what others do or think. He does not control them. All he controls is his reactions. Take the higher road. Every time. Remember...his team mates, his coaches, all of them are working on their own spiritual journeys and doing the best they can at this moment in time. Your son simply needs to do the same thing. Head up. Moving forward. With a host of angels beside him.

    4. Is him switching to St. Michaels in his best interest? If so, do you see him getting into this school for next fall?

    With Archangel Michael here, he says "How can any school named after me be in poor taste? Of course it's a wonderful option, and if it is meant to be for your son, then it is meant to be. We do like to hold some of the cards here in Heaven you know!"

    To me, Kookish, this means, full steam ahead. Pursue what you feel is right for you and your family. Out of love, there is no wrong action. If you missed the deadline, then ask if they can waive it if you need that to happen. Court their coach. Show him your son, leading with his heart. Michael says your son has the heart of an entire team inside of him. Coach needs to feel it.

    angel blessings to you always,

    Miss Beth

  • Miss Beth, KISSES TO YOU!

    My son told me he thinks he's supposed to be there because Michael "adopted" him per your earlier message. HAHA. He refers to ya'll as my tarot "friends" (he pronounces it like carrot to be funny). My daughter talks about Captain as if she knows her.

    We drove by the school today and it has a window with St. Michael holding his shield in front of him & his sword raised above him, I got a chill. They are the St. Michael Crusaders and when we drove by the football field our son looked as us and with the utmost sincerity said "I can be a Crusader". It was a big statement, we didn't say as word so not to ruin the moment.

    I'm thinking out of fear because I'm ASKING instead of listening to what my angels are telling me what is best for my son at this time. My son is 15 years old and needs to regain his confidence and it's at a tipping point where I'm not sure if he believes he can achieve this where he is right now. I don't know if we could help him figure out how to help him do that where he is.

    Thanks for the advice and encouragement for him.

    Love and blessings from Texas 😃

  • Looks like you've touched all the bases--MIND BODY AND SPIRIT. My response is quik. I don't think you need to worry so much---you have addressed the issues and can step back a bit---meaning that you should be there for him yet you can't totaly live in his world---his life at school--the issues of being his age are not always processed the same by adults--he is not an adult---you need to be available to him yet not too much in his world. Think about when you were that age---kids need room to be dumb--make mistakes--grow in character---grow strong--learn about people---sometimes the hard way. Don't hover too much ---just stay connected. Remember--your fears can hinder him--he will pick up on your worries. I get a positive on the school change. I also get an ambivilance about football---he really is not deep down sure he is loving it or if it is for him--yet feels like he should--lhe likes the IDEA of football but it is not all who he can agree to be as it bothers him--the politics of football----the football club is a tough macho world---my father was a coach and two of my sons played--one was a big award winning player. He loved it so I supported him but I hated the mad dog mean win no pain no gain--practiice till you puke and take a beating no whining and no sissys mentality. It is what it is and yes--the coaches are mostly brutal--like marine boot camp scream in your face marine sargent mean--will cuss out their best player if he slacks an inch and it is a very tough game. It is not for everyone. Only a small percent of boys out of any school play on the team. It is brutely tough. Also, the team sticks together and there is no parent complaining. Don't expect to talk to his coach about treatment as he will just no longer be playing. Your son is just finding himself--he will find more oportunities to challange himself and not feel like he's in a too aggressive environment--football is aggressive--big time! Spirit advises you stay away from the parent group thing--and comparing and talking too much---it's one thing to be a part of their lives and another being too involved--it's best not to get too chummy with other parents---parents make more drama then needed and kids need room to grow. Your son will do fine with the forgiveness if you do. Also, avoid the parent group chats--too much gossip--it's not productive. Your son will do fine---next year will be a much more confident year. You can step back--he's safe. BLESSINGS!

  • Captain,

    I LOVE the letter thing! 5 years ago when this boy didn't apologize my son wrote a list of ways he would have apologized and I think I still have that list. We found some pictures from when the boys were friends so I think I'll see if my son wants to write the letter and add the items together and have a little bonfire ceremony.

    My daughter did this to all the stuff from the boy who hurt her. She purchased a metal garbage can and threw everything in there including the receipt for the can and had a good cry over it. The next day she put the can in a garbage bag and put it by the curb to be picked up with all the other trash - she was DONE! I still think it's so strange the boys who hurt my kids were both named Garrett.

    We had a long talk about why he would be switching schools and about us "fixing" an uncomfortable situaiton. If we thought we were moving him just to make it easier for him we would NOT do that, life is hard and you have to learn to adjust to hardships. This is something much bigger than this and the only way I can explain it is like I stated above "My son is 15 years old and needs to regain his confidence and it's at a tipping point where I'm not sure if he believes he can achieve this where he is right now. I don't know if we could help him figure out how to help him do that where he is". This is also about academics and he'll be in a prep-school environment, he's a great student and this will help with his academice achievement to help him get into a military academy and while looking at the school we discovered they've had 3 students in the past 2 years get into military academies.

    I hear you about the martial arts thing and I tried. He has a green belt (only a 2nd level) in Tae Kwon Do when he took classes during elementary school and when I talked to him about taking classes again he looked at me as if I had 2 heads. He reminded me he didn't like it then so there's no way he would want to squeeze this into his schedule now - NOT even remotely interested. I got NADA, Zero, Zilch, and no in 6 other languages.

    There are 275 football players for 4 teams and they do NOT allow them to play more than 1 position, they learn a position and perfect it and you play it until you graduate. My son was an MVP for his guard play last year and they moved him to a position a person with his body type does NOT do with ZERO explanation of this position but my son taught himself. I really don't believe they give a rat's behind about my son "withdrawing" from his team mates they don't worry about that type of stuff, they worry about winning - that is their job! If they cared about this type of stuff they wouldn't allow a boy to stay on the team who was foung guilty for assulting a girl, there were no repercussions for his actions at all but he's REALLY fast and a starting player. I do agree about the "victim consciousness" and I need to help him move on from this. I can't say the coaches are singling him out but the position move makes ZERO sense to someone who really knows football, which is my husband not me.

    Thanks again for all your insight and please don't think I'm not listening to you or taking your advice on this. I know he can't run away and needs to learn how to deal with some of these things - I need to know HOW to help him do that and I'm not feeling the ability for him to do that where he is right now.

    I had dinner with my daughter yesterday and she quoted you during our conversation - sometimes I'm sorry I copied everything you posted and sent to her - hehe!

    Thanks again for all your insight.

    Love & Blessings from Texas

  • Kooish, has your husband talked to the coaches about how they treat your son - you may be making wrong assumptions about why they do things?

    With the move, just make sure you know your son realizes that a new school doesn't necessarily mean his problems will all disappear like magic. It's not always just the other person's fault. He still must be prepared to deal with his mistrust of other kids.

    A person can move to a new place but his problems always go with him inside until he heals himself.

  • Blmoon,

    Tell your dad thanks for being a coach and working with kids, it's a huge job in our society to work on their behalf, teacher should automatically have a place in heaven. My husband and I NEVER, EVER go into a coaches office, we know they don't want to see us. We do our volunteer time and move along. My son had to do some extra work for cussing as he was walking off the field during a game so the next day I took a bar of soap to the coach as a gift with a note that read "I don't know where in the H_E_L_L he learned that D_A_M_N language but if he ever uses it again here's something to help you clean up his act. You have our complete support and thanks for all you do on behalf of all our boys, especially ours God Bless (me)." He said he saw me walk into the building and was waiting for me but I never came to his office then the secretary brought back the soap and he got the biggest laugh. He was really expecting me to say something to him about making him work extra. I told him he's not in my care when he's with you, what you say goes. He thanked me for this. I agree about the boot camp thing and it's a dog-eat-dog world in football ESPECIALLY IN TEXAS. The 2 biggest sports are football and spring football. My son likes football and is a student of the game, he does hate the politics and doesn't like to see kids get away with stuff just because they're good players. Alas, judgement is a skill that runs in our family.

    Regarding how my son is treated we just say to him "it is what it is" his treatment during practice is what they do and that's it. But since you know about football and when a player is very successful in 1 positon it doesnt' make sense they would move him to another position where his body type isn't really right for that job, then not to explain anything, my son taught himself the positions and plays. Who knows why but it's their job not mine but this just doesn't "feel" right.

    Thanks for the advice on the parent group thing and I agreee about the parent politics. We usually sit by ourselves at games or if we sit with a group we say nothing. I'm not really a coffe clatch kind of gal anyway so that makes if much easier and my B_O_O_B_S are original equipment so I don't really fit in with some of the moms anyway HAHA! I did learn the hard way as I had one person who WAS one of my absolute best buds but when our sons were going for the same position she bacame a different person and our friendship was never the same.

    I have a good son who wants to go into the military academy, he's a WWII reinactor and a volunteer and tonight had a date with his Grandma and took her to the movies. There is no reason for me to hover and I need to keep reminding myself not everything is a crisis - thanks for the reminder.

    You were the first one who mentioned St. Michael (and sleep apnea) so we'll see how this plays out. The deadline has passed but they're still accepting applications so we'll see how this plays how but honestly my husband and I really don't think we are running away from the school, or football or his insecurities. I think we're putting him in a position to achieve even more academically, he can still play football just in a much smaller program and he can work on his insecurities and grow into a much more self confident young man. I just hope he gets in and if it's meant to be it will be but thanks for letting me know of your positive vibe.

    Thanks again for all your insight into my son's world, this became a much bigger thing than when I first wrote about my son's choking dream - who knew?

    Love & Blessings from Texas 😃

  • Captain,

    My husband only had one casual conversation with the head coach last summer when ran into him at the school and he invited my husband into his office. My husband was showing my son's trainer around the facilities and introduced him to the coach and they chatted for about 10 minutes and that was about it. Our son had been moved to the new position before spring season and this was just after that; however, I'm pretty sure there wan't any conversation about his treatment because I don't think it had really started yet and he was still in the starting positon for his level. In the fall was when things went south but we've never had any conversations since then, only about volunteer work and we've always stayed on topic.

    I completely agree my son has to deal with his issues, especially about trust. My son can play the victime card very easily and we know a mirror is the first place to start when you have reoccuring issues and we are know all of us are responsible for some of the energy that has been put into these situaitons. I do believe we are on a path to healing he just has to keep moving along with this. I'm looking forward to seeing if he wants to have his own bonfire. His sister reall enjoyed hers.

    Thanks again!

    Love & Blessings from Texas 😃

  • Kookish, I am struck by how much you and your husband feel alienated from other people and also tend to make assumptions about how you think others will react or what they are thinking. Now your son feels the same alienation from his peers. I believe he has picked up your attitudes. In fact you don't know for sure how his coaches would react if you seriously approached them about your son. Are you perhaps inventing a reason not to speak or interact with them? Maybe your fear of rejection or humiliation from other people tends to make you convince yourself that there is no point approaching them at all? So you don't even try? It just seems strange that for all your worry about your son that you have never asked the coaches for an explanation as to their treatment of him. You really only have your young son's version of events and children cannot be expected to interpret or fully comprehend adult behaviour.

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  • AMEN

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  • Kookish

    thank you so much for the kind words about my father! He passed away 10 years ago--I miss him. It was tough being raised by a coach but must say he sure gave me "endurance"! And he taught me the power of knowing how to keep my mouth shut! I was mouthy by nature and there are times to speak out BUT there are also times when to hold your tongue---it can be very powerful---I thank him for that! Not only did he coach football he coached weightlifting ---highschool and the olympics--and the special olympics as well was one of his favourite things to coach. He was one salty dog and he raised a daughter with very big b alls! Sink or swim!

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  • AMEN

  • Kookish,

    Computer issues have kept me away for a bit. But I wanted to compliment you on opening up the dialog with your son, hearing his thoughts and having a willingness to consider all his options. I'll admit I would be the mom who got into it with a coach or otherwise if I felt my child was being mistreated but you seem to be handling things well in your own right so please don't consider my way of doing things as something you should change for yourself. I love that your son is so willing to voice his thoughts, admit his concerns and try other options. I feel all of these are healthy on his part. Putting issues of the past behind you is not easy but having suffered with them since school myself, anything you can do to help him do that now will surely save him much pain in the future.

    I have to say before you even mentioned the details about the new school, I saw a sort of stained glass window with Michael and his sword and shield, it may not be what is on the school but it was predominate in my minds eye so I'd have to say the option to move there may be just the ticket for your son.

    I love that you are so caring and considerate of his feelings and that you & your husband are so willing to look at all the possibilities to make his life better, mind body and spirit, that makes you very precious people indeed. It has been so nice share in this experience with you. I hope that you can soon get that appointment for your son so all the medical concerns can be given a once over. I feel he is breathing more freely already and that is a blessing. Keep us posted please.

  • TIME TRAVELER! SAINT MICHAEL SENDS YOU A HUG! Have you had any good dreams to share? I just know you have a doozey! Good to bump into you. Blessings!

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