BImoon please! Let's talk!



  • Hi BImoon,

    I hope that you are having a lovely evening - I feel very comfortable and safe in this place for the most part and that's why I wanted to come to you with something that came up this evening in terms of friendship. When I was about 12 (maybe 13) years old, I became email-pals with a girl named Emma (dob. January 26th, 1993... I'm not 100% sure, but I'm 95% sure that's the date.. I was slightly torn between that date and January 28th, 1993, but I'm almost certain that it's January 26th, 1993). We let out our hearts to one another and we spoke about our dreams and we eventually felt that we were the sisters that we had never had and best friends.

    However, now we're older. We're not 12 anymore. Now we're both 18. I'll be turning 19 this September (dob for myself, you probably already know, is Sept. 4th, 1992). We used to be very similar but now, we're much different. We've become very different people: our personalities, the way we handle ourselves when we're upset, the kind of people we tend to be with, our political leanings, our philosophy regarding relationships, etc. We're also busier now, too - we're no longer pre-teen girls (or early teen girls, for that matter) who are just searching for someone to have a long chat with every so often. Now, we're dealing with things like what career to pursue, serious romantic love, what to do with our time in college, etc. So we don't speak as much as we used to - and when it's an instant messaging conversation, it's me who's reaching out.

    I feel like we've become distant. She's so busy that she no longer answers her emails and sometimes when we have a heart-to-heart about how we're not as close anymore, she tells me that she promises that we'll start emailing again, yet she never does. All I have are a bunch of empty promises that I wish she hadn't made in the first place.

    This evening, we were talking and I suggested taking a break. It's something that I've been considering for awhile. She said "okey-dokey" and then asked me if I'm okay and I started to explain to her how I feel distant from her these days and how our original closeness has gone away. I told her about how I reach out and shoot random emails just to feel closer but it doesn't help. And I did tell her how in a sense, I don't really know how I feel about her anymore. At one point, in my eyes, she was like a sister to me; the sister I had never had. Now I feel confused and distant from her and the fact that there's an ocean separating us (I live in the USA and she lives in Ireland) becomes more apparent the more I try to regain closeness.

    So I told her the most of that and suggested we take a break. I said that it's because I need time to figure out how I feel about her because I don't know anymore. I thought that time apart, without her in my life, would tell me what it is I love about her and would help me to figure out my feelings for her. I want to know where we are as friends and what I currently feel about her and I thought that time apart might help me figure that out. I want to figure out my feelings for her - have I just stopped loving her? Or do I still love her but that love is just buried underneath a bunch of other rubbish?

    The whole time when I would tell her this, she would respond by saying "okay" and then having an awkward smiley face at the end ( :S ). I told her not to wait for me because it would take a day or it could take weeks and I didn't know if I ever /would/ figure this out. And then we said goodbye, she told me to have fun in college, I told her "good luck" with her film career, she said "thanks," and then we said "goodbye" again. A few minutes later, I found that she had defriended me on Facebook. I had said a "break" not that we'll never ever speak again.

    I want to know if, even though situations have changed between us and even though our personalities have changed, if there still is caring between us that is just hard to see at this transitional time of our lives. I also want to know why she defriended me when I had said "break" and she knew that I just needed time and wanted to come back if I had found the answer I needed - was she shocked by my suggestion that we take a break and defriended me when she was feeling overrun by emotions? Do you think that there will be a reconciliation (conciliation? I'm unsure which is the correct work, but I mean "make up" or "make peace) one day and that our friendship will work out, or is this goodbye?

    What do you think the main problems are with our relationship? I know what about her makes it hard for me to be friends with her sometimes. What are her problems with myself and how can I fix them if we ever DO make up?

    Thank you so much,

    I'm feeling very confused and unsure. I feel empty and a bit sad that my best friend since I was 12, the only one I truly could tell everything to, has now walked out of my life, but at the same time, so many things have happened and I'm unsure if this distance is what's best and if I'll get over it and be even happier, or if I'm happier WITH her but after working out some issues.

    Thank You,

    Nina



  • She did not walk out--you told her to go---in fact you were not being honest with yourself--but really testing her---but she didn't get that only heard you expressing your disapointment in her and wanting to take a break---the word BREAK is pretty clear--it means no contact and you truelly confused her and she felt hurt and her okay with an awkward smile said that she honestly did not get it. What did you expect? What really did you want from her--to say to you? You were feeling needy in a way that needs deeper investigating ---soul searching on your part. I don't see her as changing as much as you think---she grew up---has different needs and she is busy---AND her life is fuller than yours---where are your other friends? I have dear friends I may not ttalk to for weeks--even months but we hook up and love each other dearly---and if there were a true crisis we would know it and be there. These friendships are for life and go through phases---sometimes we share projects see each other often then sometimes one of us has a life detour and there is distance but true friends don't take it personal just get a bit sad and miss them but life changes---you are too young to trust that yet. Spirit advises you step away for awhile from this issue and start filling your life with other goals and friends---no one has one person that can only be the one person to talk to. If you truelly wish to have a last kind word---send her a card----nothing mushy---maybe even funny with some heartfelt words--like sorry about the emotional drama the other day---must have been horrrormoans gone wild!---. sorry!

    There is a strong energy of isolation around you. I think this is bordering on depression and it really effects the way you see things


    it taints your perspective---this feeling of not fitting in is part of your isolation. There is a lack of purpose in your life that makes you feel empty. Spirit says that depression runs in your family---it may help if you see a counselour----someone you can talk to openly and they can help determine if you need medication. You are smart and creative and very sensitive. Try not to be too much in your head---you have a big imagination. Being of service to others would be very good for you---he;lping with the elderly or needy---even children--though too many children at once would be too much for you. You would do well working with animals. You have a lot of positive possability--just be kind to yourself and give yourself room to grow. Spirit adds to avoid being impatient! It always gets you in trouble! BLESSINGS!



  • Dear BImoon,

    Thank you for your reply. You are right - right now her life is fuller than mine in the sense that she has more worries. She's very worried about finances.

    To be honest, I don't feel like I was testing her. I think a part of me was but a part of myself was honest. I often ask myself if I would be better off without her. There are just things in our past that tire me and she has apologized but I don't know why I find it hard to forget. She's sent me many nasty emails and one of them - the nastiest - she pretend to be someone else so that I wouldn't get upset at her. She wrote that guys couldn't like me because I was "short" and had a "big nose." She's apologized and that was awhile ago yet I can't forget it and I think about that a lot. I wonder if there's a reason why I can't get over it - is it because I /should/ move on?

    I've always been confused about her. I don't really know how I feel about her anymore, to be honest. It's her moments of nastiness and rudeness to me that confuse me and I feel like it's those things that she's said in the past that are what truly bugs me. Not necessarily her but the things that I have trouble letting go. I want to let go of those things, not just for her sake, but for mine; it hurts ME when I think of those things. Is there a way that I can let go?

    Although I feel hurt that it's ending, I think a huge part of me whose been considering this for awhile thought that it might be better in the long run. Do you think that getting rid of her would get rid of that bad energy I've been feeling, or that it's a mistake and I'll be more unhappy? I always thought I might feel happier in the long run after this - after letting her go.



  • I think that one of my issues with her is that I felt that we no longer had things in common and that that made it hard for her to understand me. I would speak to her about things important to me and she wouldn't understand and then when she'd speak to me about things important to HER I wouldn't really understand. I think what makes her seem distant lately is not how much time she spends ON me but just the fact that our differences make it so that we don't really connect.

    I have many other friends but I have similar problems with them - that I feel they don't have much in common with me. At least not enough for me to feel a real strong connection. What I've been considering is joining clubs throughout my town - cooking clubs, book clubs, art clubs, [...] - because I feel that those bring together people with similar interests and there I'll have the best chance of meeting people who have things in common with me.



  • You're right that I feel down lately - I've been feeling an emptiness that's more apparent than usual - but I don't know what to do about it. Lately I have been feeling passionate about the idea of charity work and working to help the needy, homeless, children, animals, etc., but I don't really know how to start.

    I recently quite a job volunteering on Saturday mornings for a local art museum - I wanted to use my time to find a passion (or a purpose!) and there was also some bad energy floating around there which was the last thing I needed.

    You're right that there is a lack of purpose in my life that makes me feel empty . Something that /does/ make me feel full? Cooking and creative writing. I would LOVE to make those things my future career; I'd be so happy. But I'm unsure if that's the right path for me - if that's just a phase. I'm unsure if pursuing those things is the right thing to do. I'm scared of where it'd take me, I guess, because I don't KNOW where it'd take me. But I hope that next year, when I start my freshman year at Bryn Mawr College, that will help put things in perspective.



  • Dear BImoon,

    I want to tell you that today, Emma sent me an email telling me that not knowing when she was going to hear from me again - if ever - bothered her quite a bit. She said that she felt like she was being left hanging and she didn't have any control over the situation and that bothered her.

    She suggested we agree to talk again June 2nd, 2011. She said to me that there, we could discuss whether or not we should continue being friends or if we should say our "goodbyes" permanently if things were better that way.

    To be honest, I don't yet feel ready to speak to her again. A few hours ago, I opened my journal to a clean page and then just scribbled down everything - my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, my reaction, etc. and what I've found is that I'm filled up with irritation and anger at things that have happened before in the past with her. Our "bumps in the road," so to speak. I haven't yet gotten over those things and that's why I think I'm going to take your spirit's advice. I'm not going to deal with this right now. This whole thing started because I couldn't see or think clearly and now without her, I have time to think and figure things out. I think I can get a clearer perception without her here. Like spirit said, I'm going to continue on this "break" and use it to figure out myself. Figure out things that are important to ME and are completely unrelated to others. I'm going to find a way to fill myself up with passion for a hobby or something.

    Then maybe - once I have found things to fill that emptiness - she and I can speak again.

    I'm going to be honest with her and tell her that there's an emptiness in my life that I need to fill with something and that that something CANNOT be her because she won't always be here 24/7 (besides, it's not healthy, even if she COULD be). I'm going to tell her that I don't want to be needy with her anymore and need time to make my life fuller.

    Nina



  • Hi Nina,

    I consulted Spirit for advice on your situation and they are asking you to please not be so rash and be a good and loving friend rather than alienating yourself from those who love you. You two met when you were very young and people do change, however lifelong friendships are very rewarding as you grow older. Besides, if we were all friends ONLY with those who shared our every belief, philosophy, career choices, etc. life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it?

    Also, you will come to know that people will come in and out of your life as you journey down your path. Sometimes people will drift away when their journey takes them elsewhere and they have served their purpose in our life. This happens naturally so you don't need to force it 🙂 As Blmoon said, have patience. It feels as though you might have been frustrated with your friend because she was not always "there" for you at your beck and call. Try not to place such a burden on the people in your life as it will push them away. Based on this as well as the "Andrew Situation" I would say that you are seeking outside of yourself for that which you should be finding within. What is the hole that needs to be filled? Something to ponder. There might also be a life lesson here about flexibility, adaptibility and commitment.

    You tend to live in your head and, yes, you are a very intelligent young woman. But it is also important to remain in touch with your heart center. You are a creative writer and part of writing great stories is to actually get out and live life - it is through your experiences that you will find inspiration for great stories.

    Last, but not least, you are young and just starting out on your journey. Enjoy it! You don't need to have the answers to everything beforehand. If you enjoy your writing, then keep writing. If you enjoy cooking, then keep cooking. Pursue both of these subjects when you start college in the fall (if Bryn Mawr offers Catering?). You may discover that you have other interests that you enjoy through elective courses. You will also meet new people, make new friends and have many experiences that you will remember fondly later in life. Just keep going with the flow and pursuing that which brings you joy and satisfaction. That is what is meant by "follow your bliss." Life is a journey, not a destination!

    Blessings,

    Watergirl



  • Dear WaterGirl,

    It was not that I wanted her to always be at my quote, "beck and call." It was that she wasn't even there for me during tragedy or true crisis. I don't think that true friends necessarily have to be at one another's "beck and call," but that they should be there in true times of tragedy and true crisis.

    Thank You,

    Nina



  • And it's not that I want every single friend to be exactly as I am. I have my friends who are different from me and I love and trust them. But I want at least ONE friend who's very similar - similar enough that they can truly understand me. Emma's so different that I feel that she sometimes doesn't understand me and when I tell her about somthing that I care about and am passionate about, she'll wave it away and change the subject.

    I want at least one person who's so similar to me that she understands me. And I don't think there's anything wrong with going out and making friends who have a few things in common with you. I didn't say that I was going to replace my good (yet different!) friends like Tyler with them. My friend Tyler is so different from me that we're like polar opposites, yet I trust her - I can speak to her about anything and although we're not at one another's "beck and call" she IS there when I have a true crisis or a true problem and need someone to talk to. And when I talk to her about my passions - even though she doesn't always understand - she at least listens and asks questions. She cares about them BECAUSE she knows that I care, not because she loves them, too.



  • You should "listen" to wise advice. You are too in the dark with your "intentions" First you were so willing to be a victim and see her as not caring and feeling rejected--looking in from a distance I told you that was not so--that she cared deeply but was really shocked and confused by your confrontation. You have a control issue going on---love is unconditional---sounds like you have "rules" and she broke them. What I and Watergirl are trying to reveal to you is that you have a shadow side that "isolates" yourself----you project abandonment or faults on others and it isolates you. Here this friend cares enough to reach out past her hurt--yes you hurt her feelings---to try and mend whatever went wrong and you still can't decide---it's as if you wish to punish her for something---if indeed you are angry over some past event---express it---that is what close friends do---the feelings of aloneness you describe are not fillable by others---you are too young yet to understand that. It is a harsh reality that all of us deal with. The bottom line is there are times when we are utterly alone with ourselves---even married to our best friends---no one is always there. The thing is we are all so very much unique---different and at times it is our crown or our frustration to find another like us. You enjoy parts of many friendships and let go of others differences. If you really do not feell good or enjoy her company than move on---but if you do enjoy her company--then let yourself enjoy and stop putting up roadblocks to your happinness. I know my point blank honesty here will ruffle your feathers but it will be there in your conciesness at least and you will grow into it. Spirit still says this drama is just a manifestation of you carrying a deep wound of abandonment and trust. You also have depression. As for being there for true tradjedy--sorry but that is a bad assumption---People have their reasons---if a friend has always been loving but then misses a rescue you must trust they had their reasons. When my son passed away, one of my most dearest friends was there at first but shied away. We are still close---I wondered about it but searched my own history and have done the same---sometimes it's too much pain too close to another's worst fears to be close to. I understood my dear friend--devoted to family felt that it was her worst nightmare---losing a child--too painful to bear my pain. If I let my victim mode take over I could hold a defiant grudge of loyalty broken--she abandoned me! That is only one perspective. You have a choice--choose love! See a counselour to treat your depression--and it will clear up your vision so you can see the good in others and not dwell on the darker side--that's what depression does---muddies your perspective.BLESSINGS!



  • Dear BImoon,

    Thank you for your reply. Well, what I said to you in the post directly above where WaterGirl came in was how I should tell Emma about how I need to find a hobby or something that will fill myself up because she can't. I think I want to wait because I'm still very emotional about this and I don't like to talk to people when I'm feeling emotional - I'll say things that I shouldn't say or don't mean to say, if you know what I mean. Emotions affect me and take me over, unfortunately, especially negative ones.

    I actually /have/ been considering seeing a counsellor of sorts since you first mentioned it. There's this wonderful man at my place of education who has a psychiatry degree and he is one of the kindest and warmest men I have ever met. 🙂 He /has/ helped me with some things before and I trust him. But I don't really know where to start. I used to not be like this but when I was 12 years old a very bad - and personal - event happened to me and I think it caused me to retreat into my shell, feel victimized, and also just become negative. I was teased about it viciously for some years afterwards and it's for that reason that I often have trouble with people. Sometimes I want to reach out to someone yet at the same time, I"m scared to because I fear rejection or pain. Although for some time now, I have been considering meeting with this man to talk about that event specifically - I want to let it go so that I can move on. I want to let it go. But at the same time, even though I feel that that would probably be good for me, I'm scared to - I guess it's because I know that to get over it, we're going to have to discuss it, yet I don't want to talk about it. I think the way that I have coped with it is to pretend that it never happened - attempted to forget it - and then whenever somenoe mentioned it to tease me, I would shut my eyes and pretend that I was invisible and hope that if I didn't see them and didn't respond, they would stop.

    I think that's the main issue - that's where all of this comes from. That main event. I still look back at it, asking myself if that really happened - the darkest time in my past - and it did, yet I can barely believe it. But it did. I /know/ it did. Because I can see the effects.

    Nina



  • I got goosebumps! Listen to your "wise self" ----you are right about your insight! It is normal to to be fearful before asking for help---that's why not everyone does it even though from the outside others think it is easy. You have to push through the fear--do the hard thing---to find change. You went into protective survivel mode after the trauma and fear it will destroy you to go there again and release that pain. You are ready, think of it this way---if you seek help and go through the pain and work with the process at least it will be over but if you leave it burried it will gather pain again and again and taint all your relationships. The counselour you speak of sounds like an excellent choice to start the healing. Take advantage of this great "insight" you have brought into the light. It is a gift! BLESSINGS!



  • Hello,

    I sent Emma an email just to tell her that I needed time to fill my life up with other things because I couldn't be dependent on her for these sorts of things, especially when there's much that she'd rather do. No response yet but that doesn't matter too much to me - after all, right now it's time apart to find other things that I really need.

    The weird thing is, BImoon, I don't get this way with my other friends when they choose to spend time with someone else over me. Do you know if there's something about Emma herself that makes me feel more negative with her in general (not just when she spends time with someone else) than when it comes to my other friends?

    Nina



  • Hi BImoon,

    I just want you to know that I will try to make an appointment with the counsellor later this week. And I feel more at peace. I think this break is good for me. I really do need time to myself.



  • Hello BImoon,

    I want you to know that I wandered into my counsellor's office today to make an appointment and I will be seeing him this afternoon. I'm very nervous but I do think that this is for the best. It won't be easy but I think I need it and perhaps what they say, "nothing worth having comes easy," applies to this situation.

    I will write to you to tell you how it went.

    Nina



  • BLESSINGS!



  • Hello BImoon,

    Well, I went to see the counsellor yesterday afternoon and it ends up that I'm suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to what happened when I was 12. He found that out because I was found to be suffering from many of the symptoms, such as feeling anxious or panicky about anything that reminds me of the event. He will be giving me therapy himself which involves me sitting and telling him the story over and over again until eventually I can tell it without crying or feeling emotional. I had simply shoved this issue underneath the covers when it happened, thinking that I wouldn't have to deal, but I guess I was wrong. I guess it's been affecting my life from behind the scenes without me knowing it. You can push it underneath the covers, but that won't make it disappear; it will still be there, just slightly hidden from view.

    Nina



  • You have made my day! I thank the spirit--angel--guide--who spoke up for you and how brave of you to push through the fear! Good for you! You get it! BLESSINGS!



  • Hello BImoon,

    Well, after my first session with the counsellor I feel much better - refreshed - and I'm feeling very convinced that this WILL work. I already feel better after one session with him. Refreshed; it's as if my soul is being cleansed. Please thank your spirit for me! 🙂

    I also spoke to Emma. I sent her a message to communicate with her the findings and I apologized that she had to feel the results of me having such a disorder and I assured her that she wasn't the only one who had. She was very understanding - both of my reasons why I may have been frustrated with her and why I may have been feeling needy - and also of my need to gain some separation and seek to cultivate new interests and personal connections outside of the one shared with her.

    I'm trying to sail towards a new horizon - especially since I'm about to head off to college 5+ hours away from where I currently live - and to be open to new things. New events, new people, new experiences, etc. I'm actually reading a book about Jacqueline Kennedy and it's very uplifting to me - I feel very positive and inspired when I read that book. 🙂

    I'm wondering if spirit (or whoever aids you most when you try to do readings) sees my healing from this Post Traumatic Stress Disorder bringing about any positive change in my romantic life. I think that the neediness that I usually have might start to melt away with the therapy - I'm currently taking your advice about avoiding Andrew a bit and allowing him to come to me and I think that getting rid of this PTSD (and, with it, desperation and neediness for him) might make that a bit easier. But I'm also open to knowing if you see any possibilities with any other person besides him (maybe even brighter possibilities)... you see, although I'm taking your advice from my previous messages to you, I was wondering if you see that as the best option. What I mean to say is, I guess, if you see me being happiest in a relationship with him (after putting in this effort or no-effort) or happier letting him go and perhaps finding someone else? What I mean to say is if you see me being able to be decently happy with him (once this PTSD is taken care of and I've figured out how to give myself to him in calculated moderation so as to keep him from withdrawing)? Or perhaps miserable, even if I've learned how to "handle" him?

    Thank you so much, you have helped me with a big issue!

    Warmly and Thankfully,

    Nina



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