How my life turn out to be? wait and see?



  • I think maybe it's not good to speak up and to tell all the truth which I keep all those year.

    I'm afraid maybe someone I know will read this. This makes me feel so weak in their eyes, and I scare of sympathy.

    It's not easy for me to do this, especially in public. It seems my friends and family won't never understand how I feel, how I turn out out to be. I tried and I failed.

    I don't know the reason why God saved my life when the lighting stoke me when I were 1. I have no idea.

    I'm 26 years old now. All I remember is sex harassment when I were 5 and it happened for 5 years. Nobody knows, even my family. I think I just scare to tell them. and maybe I tried to protect someone. I don't remember exactly how it started but I know exactly how it ended. I'm not a good person. My soul is dirty. I were glad it ended, but those images keep coming back to my dream. I'm tired.

    When I were 12, I discovered my 2 brothers addicted to drug hardly. They were very young, just 14 years old. Again, I'm a horrible person. I didn't tell my parents. I made mistake and stupid thought. I thought if I tried to be their side, kept tell them out of it. They would quit and be better. But no. With my own eyes and evil thought, I saw them dying. After 7 years, they quit using drugs. I'm glad, but my mistake will never be forgiven.

    In 2003, my parents' business were at downtime. My father hated my sister and my mom. He thought they were trying to take over his position in the company. But no. All they were trying to do is stopping him doing mistake. And again, with my own eyes, I saw him suicide. I couldn't even cry, scream or called for help. I'm dead inside. But, gladly he didn't die.

    I felt in love with 2 men. One of them is my best friend. I thought my life is less miserable. But they turned out to take advantage of my body. Same as my old time..

    Until now, my father doesn't be better. He kept threaten his kids over his life. I'm scare to get home. I'm scare of one day, on my way home, I see an ambulance and it is him.

    I don't know.. I hate myself, my life. Will it be better over time?



  • What an INCREDIBLE strong woman you are. Ive never met ANY as strong as you, n i myself has had my fair share of struggles n kicks to the pit phases. More than i care to recall.

    Honey, youre GOOD person. An LOVING EARTHH ANGEL of GOD.

    Know this that you are NOT repsonsible for what goes wrong in peoples lives NOR their choises. Not telling your parents you were harresed was you PROTECTING them, bc as a child you feel think that it will hurt them, so one keeps quiet. Believe me i KNOw. I did the same until i came home one day all beatan up glasses ruine clothes shredded.

    Your brothers CHOSE their paths, and all u did was stick to them as siblins n family do. Thats not evil, thast family. In time your parents will see the good you did bc u stuck to ur brothers. I bet u even tried many a time to get em to quit n go into rehab. I certain u did. I guess if ur folks r neg toward u its bc they failed to see the paths ur brothers took n u did. A reminded they failed their job as parents. Let me remind u that dope addicts are EXCELLENT actors.

    Its horrible to witness someone end theiur lives, especially when one self loves life as much as u do. You so strong. So very strong.

    Men from when they are 14 15 an end 20ties are actually only in for fun fun fun, drink sex fun. it useally changes around ages 27 28.- If you feel taken advantage of, you need to speak up. Its ur life, ur body, no one elses.

    Admitting one is scared is the strongest most self healing one can do. Youve taken the step here. Mayb u can write it in a letter n if you feel cofident give it to ur dad.

    Scared is human, showing expressing it is empowering as in it makes u stronger.

    Ogh my dear how i would hug u n help u. i wish i was there with u this ver minute. Id help u talk to those u wish to tell ur mind to.

    Know im here for u. if u need private contact me at Know u are not alone anymore. You have me.

    Sweetie, Earth Angel so strong. Oh my!

    cwb



  • AMEN..... ut_it PLEASE listen to what WONDERFUL words of wisdom CWB has said to you, I agree with her 100%....

    much love and peace to you ut_it , and you truly are a beautiful being full of light!!

    ♥



  • Thank you cwb and HealingWays.

    I don't think my dad care about me. When I were sick and had uterus surgery, I stayed in hospital for 2 weeks and kept wonder if I still has mother-ability. He only came to see me once. The only person sticked with me is my sister. However, he was mad at my sister everytime she came to take care of me. Maybe, if he knew about what happened to me, he will be sad. But what can he do? It happened..

    I think I can live with my past over time. The only thing I'm afraid of is if I turn out to be a bad person. As my friend told me that I don't think of myself first on every case, except I only think about myself and didn't forgive my close friends for what he&she did. I turn to be mean and keep asking why they did this to me and never said sorry to me. I felt hurt.

    I'm just afraid that if I got many problem and I will blame other people every time they mistreat me.



  • I wholeheartedly agree with CWB, you are on the right path towards healing yourself ut_it.

    It's perfectly normal and indeed necessary to blame others for mistreating you. Nobody but nobody gets to mistreat you. And anyone that does, stop calling them friends. They don't deserve that kind of friendship from you.

    Hopefully, for your sake, you'll be able to forgive them one day, but you don't have to worry about that now. Take that guilt and anger and channel it into empowering yourself. CWB is a great role model for this. Seek her advice and support, she'll be with you every step of the way.

    It may also do you good to speak to a professional counsellor. Stay strong ut_it, you will get through this and turn your life around for the better.



  • 🙂 You have already received the best advice, we can't change other people, we can only CHANGE the way we ALLOW THEM to affect us. Don't allow yourself to be anyone's victim, the problem is their problem; this does not mean that you don't love them. Love is not supposed to hurt, pray for them and pray for your own strength but don't let anyone pull you into their misery.

    Happiness is a choice so everyday say I choose to be happy today and I'm not going to let anyone steal my joy! I know the situation with you father is painful, you have to forgive him and everyone else but just decide to not allow him to hurt you any longer, he sounds as though he may have a mental condition possibly manic depression, all you can do is pray for him, be strong because you have to be strong for your own protection. Everyone has free will and most likely even if you had talked to your brother's they had to make their own decisions about their lives, sometimes we go thru things that in the end makes us stronger. You are not a bad person or evil, life is about choices and we all make them, some are good and some are bad, okay once the deeds are done we live and learn but we keep on living, learning and growing.

    Be strong! I believe you can!



  • UT I am glad you came here and shared your story cause i need you ,by sharing your story and exposing the truth all them secrets are losing their power over you and in truth you will come to see the good person you are and you are not a it you are a person and a child of the same God or or what ever you chose as your higher power and there are no saints here but there are sure a lot of good people who care and you have already got some good information .

    By sharing your story you help me to remember where i have came from and helps me to be grateful for all the things in my life the good and bad .There was a time my life seemed nothing but bad i had done so much and hurt so many i thought i could never be forgiven ,but the same God i hated because i could not understand the whys of life and why my life turned out the way it did and why some people did to me what they did i could not understand .

    Today that same God i hated is my best Friend and I call him Father and he is the best Father i could ever have .He never stopped loving me he never deserted me and he has always guided me to be the best i can be . He showed me how to forgive me and to make amends for the harm i had done to others and how to forgive those who had harmed me and he put people in my path to help me threw life's ups and downs and now he has sent another Angel to help me own my journey YOU with out you i forget how far my journey has come and what life is really about ,its not about what happens tomorrow or yesterday but right now and you have taken one of the biggest steps in life, that is a willingness to find and face all them fears you have been living with there is a saying i haven't heard in a long time but i will say it to you God don't make trash and when he made you he made a Angel and i am so glad you are here Love Freely Given I Give To You Tooter



  • Thank you PisceanHealer, poetic555, Delbertc

    Thank you for being here for me.

    Maybe, God has his point. If someone never knows any trouble, he will never appreciate good things in life.

    Maybe, I give out the wrong vibe, so I met wrong friends. My body and my soul don't belong to anybody but me. I should protect it myself and never allow anyone hurt me.

    Maybe, God's already set a happy future for me. But first, I should earn it.

    CharmedWitchBente, thank you for your understanding.. I hope I'm not too negative about life.



  • Ut I have learned 2 words in life the hard way that helps me a lot and believe me sometimes they are hard to say they are Thank You these to words have stopped anger in their tracks many times for me .I will tell you a little about some of the kinda people i use to run with one .We pulled in front of a house one night he got out opened the trunk and got a five gallon can of gas out and was going to burn down that house it was full of people and i stopped him and said not with me your not and i would of died trying to stop him but he didn't Thank God and i thank God or Father for touching what heart i had left and today i am very grateful for the light and Truth but most of all Love and you know nearly every one i ran with is dead or in the penitentiary .Truth has been what has saved my life and the hope of ever having ,a life i could be grateful for, and if i can help you own your journey i will, only if you want to help your self, mine came threw divine intervention we call grace i like to call it Love but from that point i was able to see Truth long enough to make a choice and i am very grateful for the choice i made was to grow in Truth of self and from that i have got to experience a life that i never ever dreamed was possible this was 33 years ago my journey started but it started just as you did reaching out to a better way. It has not been all roses but today i have been sober with out a drink of alcohol for 26 years and soon to be 27 but what matters is today and what i do today to insure that tomorrow is a day of growth so if i am in today tomorrow takes care of its self. Love Tooter



  • But to take care of myself and to be able to help others i need to go to bed it is 2:16 am here but i will be around later Tooter



  • Not at all sweetie. Im so happy u reached out n im more happy i saw ur call. U´re so strong. I wanna hug u so bad n tell u it will all pass in time. Im here for u sweetie. trust that

    cwb



  • 🙂 You don't have to earn love it's free for all and you already have it, unconditional love from God and from all of us, feel it.


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