In need of some guidance please

  • Hi everyone,

    I was wondering if anyone could offer me some guidance? I feel lost. I do realize that everything begins and ends with me. I work on myself constantly: I read books, I started meditating, and try to think positively. I believe in many different things, my life experiences taught me to keep an open mind. For a while now I find myself stuck not knowing where to turn. I am sure of one thing that everything needs to change and even though I'm scared I know that I have to do it. I know that my problem has always been that I hold everything inside me, and I feel like I'm going to burst. I am concerned for my health, my job situation, and love life. I do realize that these are universal concerns πŸ™‚ but I was hoping that someone would shed a light on them for me. Which way should I turn should I still pursue my chosen career or should I switch gears entirely?

    I did meet someone recently whom I liked and I was under impression that he liked me as well. I contacted him via email some days ago and there was no reply. Should I try to contact him again or let it go?

    Since I'm new here I'm not sure if I should break my questions into separate threads or to keep them all together and how detailed questions should be?

    My DOB is 8/4/74 I'll be happy to provide any other information if needed.

    I will be grateful for any guidance.

    Thank you in advance for your time and energy.

  • Hello NightKat,

    Wow. You have been hung up on these situations for a while haven't you? Too long. Your fears, insecurities, and doubts have paralysed you. You are suffering from an information overload. You seek the answers to your questions from outside sources, but the truth is, the answers lie within.

    Cut out all the noise, meditate and trust your gut instinct. It is the one speaking when you wrote "I am sure of one thing that everything needs to change and even though I'm scared I know that I have to do it".

    In a sense, you have thought yourself into a corner. The obstacles in your path are all of your own making. That's why your health is affected. I suggest you don't worry about this guy for the moment, right now you need to take care of yourself. In choosing a career, which one brings you the most joy? Which one will you look forward to when you wake up in the mornings?

    I think you already "know" the answer to that one πŸ™‚

    What else can I help you with NightKat?


  • Hello PisceanHealer,

    Thank you very much for responding to me, I wholeheartedly appreciate your guidance.

    You are absolutely right I've been at this for longer then I care to admit. Yes I do suffer from information overload. I always had strong gut instincts as a child, but I felt like I was torn at the core, my gut instincts pulling me one way and my head going in a completely opposite direction. So for many years I chose logic because it was easier to explain things away.

    My health was never great to begin with. I got really sick at the age of 9, doctors didn't know what to do with me. And I guess that was the beginning of my fear and self doubt. Some of them said that I would never walk again, it took a long time but I pulled myself out and I walk on my own two feet. I didn't know how the people would react if they knew, so I would always put on a brave face and pretend that everything's alright. I build walls around myself to protect my fragile emotional state, because I was in so much physical pain I didn't think that I could handle being emotionally hurt. Well I guess I got what I wanted, I painted myself into a corner and I don't know how to get out. I missed my formative years going from one hospital to the next. Then at the age of 22 I got sick again and was diagnosed with a chronic intestinal disorder. I did not respond to conventional medications and was placed on a relatively new treatment at the time, that I'll have to remain on probably forever. The treatment is ridiculously expensive, therein lies my anxiety about job and medical coverage.

    I know that I chose the right career for me, because I chose with the heart. I am a visual designer and an artist, I love it and I know that I am good at it. But today's economy and my perpetual fear and self doubt keep holding me back. It took a lot soul searching for me to get to this point, to finally realize that I need to listen to my intuition and stop lying to myself. I started to meditate but my mind races a mile a minute and it's very hard for me to relax. I am trying to listen to my inner voice but there is too much clutter and I don't know how to distinguish between the gut feelings or just a background noise. I never asked other people for help because I was too embarrassed to do so. I always tried to figure everything out by myself. I did see a therapist but the only thing she did was to prescribe medications that either made me too hyper or completely passive. This is actually the very first time that I send my plight into the universe hoping for some guidance. And I am very happy that someone actually heard me. I am very grateful PisceanHealer, thank you. I apologize if this is too much info, it's just once I started writing it was hard to stop πŸ™‚

    I hear what you're saying about the guy, I know that I'm a mess, even though I don't look it on the outside πŸ™‚ I wasn't looking for anything, I wasn't even attracted to him at all in the beginning, but then something changed. The emotion I felt was undeniable I couldn't ignore it. I can safely say that I never felt anything like this before, whatever it is. And now I don't know what to do with it.

    Thank you very much once again for your time and energy.


  • No need to apologise Yana for telling your story, your truth. It's an important step on the path to healing yourself.

    You need to start loving yourself now. Stop being so hard on you. Be gentle instead. I'll pass on the advice I was given regarding my health and disability:

    "Stop focusing on the sickness or the injury. Instead, focus on the wellness, the wellbeing, the health of yourself (and others). When your life is lived being led by fear, and you become pretty much rooted in the same place, your body responds to that fear. When you replace it with your heart doing the leading, your body responds to that as well. Love versus fear. Lead with love, and your body will respond to that. See yourself in perfect health. See others in that same way. Do not give any energy to thinking of one’s poor health. Instead, think of their perfect health, bodies being racked with love, not pain."

    The same goes for meditation. Don't fight it. Don't concentrate on the negatives, but keep at it. You are experiencing the EXACT same things as every other meditator in the world has ever experienced, and every meditator that will come after you. As a point of fact, I am having the same difficulties myself πŸ™‚

    To re-iterate then, love yourself in a gentle way. Focus on images and/or sounds of deer. Look for videos on YouTube.

    Everything else will work itself out, your career, your health, even your romantic life.

  • Thank you Marc for your advice. I will for sure follow it. I have to say that I feel much better, it almost feels like I can breathe easier. I had a constant heartache for the last month or so and now it's almost gone.

    The funny thing is that I always thought that I wasn't concentrating on my health problems, because I just wanted to be "normal", but now that I think of it by pretending to the outside world that I was completely fine I was still keeping them in the back of my mind, I guided my life according to my health limitations. (light bulb moment!)

    I wonder what does love yourself mean? Because I thought that I did. I eat right, I workout, I take care of my appearance, what am I missing? Does it mean to stop beating myself up and accept myself for who I am? Positive thinking?

    I did look up pictures and videos of deer, I found one video that was very beautiful and peaceful. But I am curious why deer?

    I certainly hope that everything will work itself out. I know it all depends on me. It's just I needed to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel πŸ™‚

  • Loving yourself means exactly that; stop beating yourself up and accept you for who you are. You are doing well in taking care of your outward appearance, but you also have to tend to the inner stuff as well or everything you do for your outer-self will be in vain.

    As a shaman, I turn to animals for lessons or medicine if you will. Deer's medicine is about gentleness and love. By focusing on images of Deer you are in essence calling upon its medicine to heal you. Whenever you feel any negativity towards yourself, think of a deer. You may not notice results for a while, but you will eventually come to love yourself in a gentle manner.

    Oh and the heartache you felt is because you weren't doing what's right for you. Follow your heart and when it's in the right place, the rest of your body will soon catch up πŸ™‚

    ~ Marc

  • I don't know if I ever believed in signs but I think that this was as close as I ever came to seeing one.

    My girlfriend invited me to go to a movie screening with her, neither of us knew anything about it, it hasn't been released yet. We were part of the focus group to give feedback about the movie. When we got to the theater there was a huge line, so we had no idea if we would even be able to get in. But as it turned out we were the very last two people pulled from the line, they were holding the movie until we got there.

    The movie was very heart wrenching, it was very hard to watch because it hit very close to home especially for me, with all the issues that I'm dealing with right now. It was almost like staring in the mirror, the fear, the self doubt, the denial, hiding behind an artificial facade. I cried have through the night but I am glad that I got to experience this movie. I think I was meant to see it. It reaffirmed for me the need to move forward and change everything that isn't working in my life and accept myself for who I am :). All I want is to be happy and enjoy life and bring happiness to the people around me.

    I am glad that I started this thread and I am extremely grateful to you Marc for your insight and your help. I am working on being more kind and gentle to myself. I try not to hold everything inside me and actually talk about what's bothering me, it's still hard but I'm still going through with it. I catch myself visualizing a Deer in my minds eye quite a bit. πŸ™‚

    So I just wanted to thank you once again, the words can't describe how grateful I am.

    Thank you


  • You are more than welcome Yana. Let your tears flow, they are clearing the way for a healthier you. A healthier way of living πŸ™‚

    Love and light,


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