A heart in despair (hence forum name - lol)
So, here's my story (speaking of Gemini men)..
There is a man (gemini) that I have known since I was little (though he is 10 yrs older than me), that I've always felt an unquestionable connection with. We never socialized much due to our age difference, but went to the same church, and our families were friends (we got our first dog from them). When I was 12, he returned from the Army, got involved with another girl in that church who was 18, and married her. I knew in my heart then that he was marrying the wrong girl. They were married for 19 yrs. and had 4 kids. 5 yrs into their marriage she was already showing a lack of interest in him and their fast growing family (no idea what her sign is.. but she was never one for being warm-hearted to anyone). Anyway.. the day came where she left him for someone else. Now, over the years, I would have this sense of "knowing" that he and I would be together one day. I even met him in a dream and my heart knew we belonged together. (side note: our parents were from the same town in one state, went to the same high school, then both migrated to our current town in another state while we were kids - without even knowing each other, then joined the exact same church and became friends! talk about coincidence?? i don't think so.) His divorce broke him apart because he thought he was living the "dream" of family. However, within a few months of her leaving him, he reached out to my parents - seemingly to try and connect with me. We started talking, and quickly gave in to our intense energy & "longing" to be together. I always knew he felt something as well, and he confirmed that once he was no longer married. He did confess that when he returned from the Army that he knew he wanted to date & marry either me or the other girl at church and discovered I was much younger than he remembered so he chose her. Anyway, I was the first one he thought of after she left him. Fortunately, being a church guy, he believes in commitment and being with just one person.. so, he hasn't had a life of playing the field and being a guy who uses girls. Anyway... I have to go back a bit and add that prior to his separation, I had a Tarot reading which indicated that I would be coming together with my twin flame. At that time, I couldn't imagine me committing and marrying because I always kept my heart tightly hidden behind barbed wire. So, when she told me this guy would come into my life, and I'd be head over heals and would marry him, I had to go through a huge process of opening my heart in order to get ready for it. By the way... I'm Aquarius, times 5 (5 planets ruled by it)! She said he'd show up within a years time. And, it was at the very end of that year, that he contacted my parents. I immediately knew it was him and all those years that I felt something started making sense. Back to us connecting, we jumped into our relationship like there was no tomorrow. It was the most ecstatic and romantic experience of my life! He did more to impress me than I've seen in any romance movie! That all lasted for 9 months, then we tried combining our kids (my 1 and his 4 - though one was in college). He's a no-rules guy and very passive. It was all too chaotic for me so I tried being the "mother" just in the sense of bringing some order to the situation (bed times, manners, etc.) I also struggled with sharing him just b/c he does 200% for his kids and his woman comes after that, so there wasn't much left to his romancing at that point. He struggled with my needing "order" and I struggled with his lack of order (though I'm not one for order in other areas of my life, but this was a situation that required it). We still did okay for a while even with these stresses, however, I sought counseling and did everything I could to change in order to appease him, and he did nothing in the sense of "work" so that we could keep our connection and relationship strong. I spent 5 years holding on, changing, waiting, etc. He would slowly but surely do less and less, and then came periods where we hardly talked or hung out, then have periods where we would again, but those became shorter and shorter as we cycled back and forth. I was on his golden pedestal in the beginning (and he made sure I knew it), then 5 years later he was questioning what "love" really was and "is it worth it" when you have to sacrifice so much. He's a very lazy man and doesn't like having to do emotional or spiritual work. He would still tell me that if he were to be with anyone, it would be me. But, he was questioning his ability to be in any relationship at all, because in his experience, woman "complain and control" too much and he just can't live like that. So, despite the connection that we both feel to each other, like "being home again", he finds being only half-attached and mostly independent the easier road. (in our first year, when things were still really good, i had him go to get a tarot reading from the same lady, and he too got the "twin flame" reading, including details that described me). The pain I have experienced, after opening my heart to the one and only man I have ever felt I could give myself to entirely, has at times been unbearable! I have had spiritual guidance that he and I have a mission to complete, yet he's so lost by his Gemini mind, that it blinds him to his heart and soul's purpose. Now that it has been more than 5 years, I have given up. And, somehow I've even stopped hurting, though still have bout's of hurt, anger, and depression with the idea that I'll end up with someone else and eventually he will too. I don't understand his inability to "see" our connection, our love, and our purpose. He wants to stick to the "practical" side of things... working, paying bills, and taking care of the kids. That weighs more in his mind than any woman at this point. Yet, it seems he's throwing something so much bigger away. He has gotten to the point where he no longer falls weak to needing a connection (even though he says he is burdened by this loss too) and therefore doesn't call, write, or anything. I have always had to initiate the contact, and then even asked him to just commit to being consistent as a friend. That has proven impossible for him as well. He is so angry with life, not making enough money, not owning a house, failure of family, and then the disappointment that I wasn't the perfect girl he thought I was. He is negative and can't find any joy. He misses the fact that if we were to put our purposes together, that our journey would bring great joy. I read some other stuff on this forum about Gemini men and got quite a bit of insight from it... such as, don't get revengeful or obsessive, give him room, etc. and maybe he'll come around due to his curiosity. We're hanging by a string and yet nothing I've done up to this point (including leaving him alone) has made him feel the desire to commit and 'start over again' with another marriage. This is all contrary to the way it was in the beginning where he'd preach to the world about how great I was and how he'd never leave and wanted to take care of me forever. How does someone feel that much love and then not care about it a few years later?? I say I'm over it, but really I'm not, I guess. Though am not hurting as bad now - I'm thinking straight, at least. But, it feels wrong to my soul to pass this up and I don't know how to get him to see that, or how to feel that much connection for anyone else. I have even told him that I'm looking elsewhere, and that bothers him a lot but not enough to make him take the step to commit to me. He is so worried about it not being good, or being another failure in his life (remember, he doesn't like to have to work at the problems). Yet, he completely overlooks the bigger picture. He thinks the small daily details are what need to be focused on, rather than the big, whole life picture of our commitment and friendship and purpose together. Would love some ideas, input, or magic on this matter!! TY!
You were asking how could someone love you so much in the beginning and fall out of it after a few years. My perspective is this (this is also why I don't believe in marriage) When you are with someone for a long time or married you begin to fall into a state of belonging. When this happens you stop trying to win their love and that love starts to dwindle away.
You have to keep in interesting, new, and exciting. It's hard work and from what it seems is you're the one who did all the work. You can't make him want to be like he was when you first started seeing each other he has to himself. You need to not just ignore him but really ignore him. not for days, but weeks even months. It will hurt but if you want to rekindle your love, this is what I feel you have to do.
In that time change things about yourself, try a new hobby get a different look (change hair style ect.) Let him see that you are truly going to be gone if he doesn't put forth the effort. The downside to this is if he doesn't change or make an attempt he will be lost at which point it would be better for you. Living the way you are now isn't defined as living in my terms and is rather at a stand still.
Ladyindespait>>This is all contrary to the way it was in the beginning where he'd preach to the world about how great I was and how he'd never leave and wanted to take care of me forever. How does someone feel that much love and then not care about it a few years later??
SV>>this is exactly how my Gem man acted. we weren't together as long as you and yours were but he had the same overpowering love for me. he pushed me into a committed relationship, told me I was "the one" and made me comfortable with who I was with him. he made me fall head over heels with him and then when I finally gave in, it went down hill. in one week he turned 180. he broke up with me and told me that he was unsure about us and our future. he said we didn't have enough in common. he had fears that I would never full understand him. I told him that if he would work on the relationship with me, then we could understand eachother and I would try and assure him of his fears about me and us. he wouldn't listen and has cut off contact completely.
Ladyindespair>> I have even told him that I'm looking elsewhere, and that bothers him a lot but not enough to make him take the step to commit to me. He is so worried about it not being good, or being another failure in his life (remember, he doesn't like to have to work at the problems). Yet, he completely overlooks the bigger picture. He thinks the small daily details are what need to be focused on, rather than the big, whole life picture of our commitment and friendship and purpose together.
SV>>my Gem knows that I'm looking elsewhere and trying to look like I'm moving on also, and it bothers him too, but he won't make the step to commit to me either. the way you talk about your Gem, it reminds me of mind. I had a tarot reading done a few weeks back and the reader said that he was focusing on work and feels like he's not worthy of a good steady relationship. he's so into finding a better paying job and making sure he has the "perfect" woman. he's wanting someone who is exactly like him in every way, and he's not going to find that. I felt the same way about mine and tried telling him to stop focusing on the little things in our relationship and to see the big picture but he doesn't get it. he doesn't realize that he let something really good go.
all you can do right now is be patient. if you really feel like he's worth it, then I would wait if I were you. but the thing is, you're saying he's lazy and doesn't want to change or make you feel special anymore. is that something you can deal with for the rest of your life if he comes back? if it is, then yes, I've heard Gemini's take a while but they do eventually come back. this is my first experience with a Gemini so I have no idea. I miss mine immesely and he doesn't know how much it's hurting me, but I can't do anything about it. I can't make him be with me or force him to talk to me. I know he misses me too, but he's got this vision in his mind that he won't let go of. he's looking for something that doesn't exist, or if it does then it's probably not up to par with his fantasy when he gets it, and he's letting something really wonderful just slip away like it meant nothing.
I wish you the best Ladyindespair. I hope you get past this rough time in your life. well wishes!
wow, I just realized all the typos I have up in my post above. please forgive me. my brain is faster than what my hands can type.