Watergirl...



  • i think i finally get what you meant about "letting him go with love"...i've been doing reflecting lately....detached reflecting...about the good and bad parts of the relationship. the mr. aquarius i knew i was madly in love with and that connection was like electricity, it's undoubtable. but as i move on (literally) i realize what you were trying to say. i still have some pent up anger, but i am the only one that is hurting

    i have a "sensitive" friend (also a cancer...she is my soul sister, we just get each other and can talk about nothing for hours) and i was talking to her about some literally haunting dreams i have been having. i keep having awful, scary dreams about awful, scary things haunting me. and then after that i dream of mr. aquarius. and in these dreams, i am either telling him/yelling at him about how i feel about him and the things he has done/how he has treated me, etc....and then i usually wake up at this point. they are always right before i wake up. she told me that by carrying around these feelings i was attracting negative things to attach to me (not necessarily entities, but maybe) so i have been trying to meditate more and let go of the attachment. it's wayyyy past time. i am looking forward to my future back where i came here from

    oddly enough i am watching some true hollywood story as i am typing this. and someone just said about a relationship that ended "i don't think she was the wrong one, it was just the wrong time" how bizarre. mr. aquarius often told me "the timing is wrong" "i love you, it's just not the right time" Hmm. lots of little signs around, that confirms it lol

    i do miss the mr. aquarius i knew. he isn't the same. and in lots of ways neither am i. i am more determined to follow my goals, and it used to bother him my "ambivelance" about things. or seeming ambivelance.

    i have been seeing someone else that i really get along with, but with my leaving i am not sure where that will leave that. i still think about that relationship....as the mr. aquarius situation has taught me so much. about myself, love, relationships, and people. the ones closest to you let you down the most. i don't know who he is anymore, but i do know he is someone i would not like. he has turned very materialistic, money hungry, and overly concerned about social status. me, not so much. but when i do finish this school stuff (the reason i am moving) i will be making more than him. "what'd you think, i was gonna marry a waitress?" well..."what'd you think, i was gonna marry a teacher?" poor disillusioned man. i do believe he is marrying for the wrong reasons, but what the heck do i know? it doesn't matter what i think, but for some reason i find myself still caring about his happiness. despite how un-happy he made me. i don't think the hurt feelings will ever truly dissipate, but i feel like day by day i am getting there...slowly but surely

    my "sensitive" friend also told me that the hurtful things he had to say to me were just a reflection of how he felt about/saw himself. i knew that, but it's nice hearing it. she is also conveniently moving back. i am going to have friends all up and down the SC coast 🙂 i feel so bittersweet about leaving. it took me forever to adjust to/like this place. it's so hard to go, though i feel it is best. and it will just further sever that electrical energy cord to mr. aquarius. strange that it is even still there at all. just adds to the list of things i don't understand

    i hope this looooong message finds you in good spirits. it's kind of a super loooong thank you for the "listening" and advice you have given. i paid attention 🙂 love ya, and hope you are doing well. i am 🙂 i'm enjoying my last 5 weeks in this place i love and trying to pull out some good grades. then a long summer of working and re-adjusting to beach life is ahead of me. oh my, life is so hard 😉



  • it has also been in my head the past couple of days what i said as i was leaving that june day that mr. aquarius broke me down so bad. one of the last things i told him sobbing through tears as i got into my car was "i just want to find someone who loves me the way i am" i always felt he was trying to subtly (sometimes, not so much) change me to be more like....his current fiancee. (not as free spirited, finished school, a "professional" job, etc.)

    but he still strung me along all summer.while sleeping with a married waitress with a kid, some things i will never understand.



  • Hey sweetie,

    I'm actually exhausted and going to bed, but something made me log on and the first thing I saw was your message. I think those dreams are just helping you purge the things you keep trying to stuff back down. Just let it all flow out (while still focusing on what's AHEAD of you, mind you!)

    ENJOY your 5 weeks and then ENJOY the beach!

    XO,

    WG



  • i got my official acceptance letter today. i have soooooo much to do! i hope they don't make me wait a year as i want that big girl job yesterday...lol it has just been a good day in my world 🙂 haha the irony is the one class i am still in, i don't need since i am transferring. the withdrawl date was yesterday. oh well, i will just know even more about the human body 🙂



  • Congrats!



  • Awwww, I gave you a pretty gerbera daisy, but it was "denied" (even though it fit the size parameters!)



  • Let's see if it works this way...



  • one of my fav flowers 🙂 thanks wg



  • I think the color suits you too 🙂



  • thanks 🙂 i love bright colors. my friends always pick on me. my closet is full of pink and pastels and bright colors and my room is nothing but crazy colors and patterns. yellow is one of my favs b/c it's the color as that big warm orb in the sky that i loooove hanging out under and stimulating my melanocytes 🙂 spring is my fav season....i feel almost like a new mel



  • 🙂 The gerbera daisy is from the sunflower family. Soooooo, you have a "sun" flower in the color of the sun set against a blue background - the color of the sky. Sit underneath it and soak up its happy rays!



  • girl i have been itchin to all week, but it has been cold and rainy every single day. tomorrow is supposed to be 75, sunny, and gorgeous, but of course i have to work. moving is expensive...lol. i have all summer...well if i don't have to go take classes, that is. i'm not sure what i'm going to be doing this summer as i haven't gone yet to look for jobs, talk to my program director, etc. i just hope it all falls together like the moving idea has. i'm going to be a busy mel in the meantime trying to get all this stuff...and myself.....together

    on a funny note. my gm that hates me and fired me for no reason (i got re-hired like 3 days later b/c he did it wrong...long story lol) overheard me talking about my love of baseball and apparantly his fav team the yankees.(mr. aquarius was OBSESSED and i now have a love of the game. only sport i dont hate...) and made the comment "i like you a lot more now" and pulled me to the side at one point to tell me what a good job i was doing. last time i got pulled to the side, i got fired. it was too funny b/c when he pulled me to the side i'm thinking "aw, damn what did i do now?" apparantly a great job. lmao...it's been a good week in my world. too funny...



  • btw. i saw a pic of the happily engaged couple today. i felt nothing 🙂 his smile looks....different....as does he. sort of. i gots no time. i already have a boy i am going to miss more than i thought i would when i move. sigh....



  • i did something terrible yesterday. john's gf told me how big of a fool mr. aquarius was making of me last summer. and i snapped. and wrote him a malicious evil fb message telling him some not so nice things about himself. that his fiancee read....so i screwed my karma up epically. i feel pretty terrible, but i woke up after another nightmare about him yesterday then heard some stories that just made me...mad...it was a bad message. i'm a bad, bad girl. and may have affected his engagement 😕 ugggh....i'm not happy with myself. but if i said i didn't feel better id be lying. i knocked him off his high horse...i did a lot of things. oops.....how do i fix this...



  • I would have been more upset at the so-called friend who felt the need to tell you what a "fool" he had made of you after all of this time. Just what exactly was her motive? She must have been or is jealous for some reason (or just a really insecure person who feels the need to put others down to make herself feel better.) The cat's out of the bag so what's done is done at this point. He is responsible for what how he treated you so think of this as his karma coming back to bite him. Just take some time to be still and really think about it as far as what your intentions were. Was it really just lashing out in the moment or did you actually want to create drama between them? Part of the reason all of this keeps coming back to you - especially in your dreams - is that you are burying your feelings, particularly resentment. You need to be honest with YOURSELF more than anyone else. Once you are honest about what and how you are feeling, you can truly experience it so you can let it go. Get some new friends!!!



  • that is part of my motivation of leaving. he has been not so nice to these friends of him as well, so i guess they are telling me these things out of anger. i did not intend for the fiancee to even know about it, much less read it. i just wanted to i guess call him out and tell him it's not nice to act like you are above everyone else when you are in actuality no better. had i not had the nightmares come back or the mimosas for my friends bday, i probably would not have done it. if he was sleeping with this chick(MARRIED! WAITRESS! with a KID!) and she knew about me enough to be jealous when we were spending time together, etc, and dating his now current fiancee, he should have left me alone at that point. but he didn't. and i was crazy in love with him, still. i don't only blame him, as i should have known better and left him alone esp. after he put me down like he did. but i was in love. my game plan is to lay low until i leave here in 4-5 weeks. i regret it a little, but at the same time i feel so much better. i got most of the repressed feelings out. and knocked him off his high horse at the same time. sigh. i am just worried about my karmic ramifications. i am even more eager to leave now that that is finally over. i feel like all ties have been cut.i literally feel lighter? i don't understand. and i feel as if i have so much to look forward to. it was pretty evil the things i said. sigh. i did not intend any friction with them at all. i just wanted to let him know i knew what he did to me. haha i told the current guy i have been seeing about it. and told him he better not make me mad. lol he said he already figured that one out....smart man. i am nice and sweet and innocent. until you piss me off....



  • Sweetie, you know I love ya, but come on! You posted it on FB, but didn't intend for his fiancee to see it? Seriously? So much for being honest...



  • it was a message...not a post. we aren't fb friends so i couldn't post anything on his wall, anyway. i would never do that. i honestly didn't expect her to see it. i feel bad that she did. it was meant for him. i cut some more emotional ties. just in a terrible way. it's like all those nightmares i have where i am yelling at him how i feel about him...well i sent it in a fb message instead. he made a fool of me AFTER cutting me down. i blame myself for a lot of it, i just wanted to ruin his monday and let him know that i knew what he was doing behind my back. instead i may have strained a relationship. i don't want it on my conscience, i didn't think it through. damn impulsiveness...



  • i may be a terrible person. but NO nightmares or bad dreams last night. perhaps my complexes and nightmares have been transferred. and i didn't do any damage to their relationship. i feel a little better about that. but i'm sure his ego is crushed. is there a such thing as a transferance of energy?

    and if she saw it, she obviously has his password. that wasn't my intentions. honest.



  • bad dreams and nightmares. gone. completely gone. i dreamed about writing a peace note. of course, i'm not going to do that. but even my subconscious feels bad. i'm officially done with it, got it off my chest (whew! finally) and am leaving in a month. good riddance, to all those feelings of not being good enough and missing the jerk...emotional attachments. mostly gone. i feel lighter, the air feels lighter. im gonna go enjoy some spring...


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