I am in love with Virgo man. It is VERY COMPLECATED. HELP!!!
Hm... I guess that's sweet....
Or was it a work relAted thing...dunno...vic this all seems very messy....
Huge roller coaster ride..people will get hurt...you his wife kids....is this what love should feel like? One minute being all happy for snctched moments and then going home to an empty house....
If it's enough it's enough....be happy and accept it for what it is...you have to share him...you're the secondary life...without the commitment and rights..
If you get upset and want more as it seems you do....unless he actually says he wants to offer you more and shows signs of actually chAnging his life to mAke it possiblethen it's a never ending cycle.
This is your choice....
I don't want to be rude but..come on you say your. Strong independent woman...this man is leading you a merry dance......These fleeting moments are not enough....
Hmmm on good terms.....with respect...io am assuming you are Properly intimate with him if this were totally stop.....do you think he would stick around? How deep is the connection for him....
If you want him to continue like this he just will....if you properly give him an ultimatum I hate to sY it...he will offer you nothing....empty words perhaps with no action.
The choice is yours...
Sometimes we meet ppl..we want to offer them the whole package...a proper place in our lives...however sadly they don't and we can spend all our energies attempting to create the right environment or waiting for that time Hoping that they MIGHT offer us the place we crave...
All this really this just drains..over analysing everything....
Some times it's just best to acknowledge something is too big to wait in the wings and hope for change.
Neither of you are discussing what the issues for you here....the fact that you want him to leave his To leAve his wife. That is if you do? Do you want proper Serious relAtionship which means hurting people to have a long term relationship here? Are you willing to go through a divorce with him custody for children...being step mum? Lotz of things to consider....it's the big White elephant in the
room both of you are ignoring.
I dunno....you seem like you have lots of life experience only you can decide what is it you actually want from him.....if it's to see how it goes like dating...I'd say too many people would get hurt if he decided to even think about chnanging his life if you cannot see being with him for the forseeable.
narcissistic and controlling.. you two are like two peas in a pod, I hope both of you
do get together, you do deserve it. not only do neither of you think clearly, you do not understand
right from wrong. it will be a matter of time, and I suspect in a very short time before he will do
this to you again, and it's obvious why you attracted him in the first place, you both are narcissistic.
so glad I am NOT you,.
FV, no, it was not work related event. Due nature of our business we interact with many ppl and attend different kind of events. He knew no one from there. I got invited and when was asking if he wanted to come last week I just mentioned the name of the event and a purpose of the function. If it was not for my invitation there is no way he would go there since he knew no one. Obviously he just checked the name of the event on internet and just showed up knowing that I put his name on guest list last week.
Yes, I do get upset at rollercoaster situation and yes I do want more than what we have. I do NOT want to be just a mistress!
Little late back.. way before I even knew him… My girlfriend and I were putting a lists together describing a perfect man… Here what I had on mine. Hair colour, eyes colour, how tall (exact inches), nationality (not mine, but one other language that I speak besides my native and English, the one that my daughter speaks thrue her father), character (with 20 points in it), age (EXACTLY how much older he needs to be), I wanted a man of the same profession that I have as a must. I wanted a man who already has a child or even 2 is better on his own (I do not want to have more kids, plus physically can’t) I wanted the kids to be all same age range, like 1-2 years apart. I love kids, and not in “mother way”, my daughter is my best friend! We treat each other equally. She calls me by my first name and ppl who do not know us think she is my younger sister. We fight and make up, cook, do laundry together and she’s the one who kisses me a good night in forehead and sets up the alarm clock. She told me once “If I choose siblings, I want younger sister and older brother” I added that to my list on her behalf.. Back to the list.. after finishing putting all “essentials” my gf and I were adding “nice things to have in man”. Mine were loving Caribbean traveling, knowing or willing to learn how to dance salsa etc.. even silly things like what model of a car and a colour of the car he will be driving.. I can go on.. but my list was about 6 pages..
Well my list is 2 years old, and my “dream” man matches it word to word, all 6 pages.. Even down to stupid car.. We learned how to dance salsa together (he paid for private classes) and it was HIS idea to learn dancing. When he brought it up, I felt like fainting..
He met my daughter (of course just a hand shake, without knowing who he is to me). I met one of his kids (his daughter) and interacting with her reminded me my own little one but 2 years younger. They even look like sisters!!
Now call me crazy…
Further better.. I have a hobby. I paint. Very well, but never learned how to. I paint persons bodies in action. People with no faces, where the body postures speak emotions. Each of my paining concept has an emotion (anger, passion, clarity, control.. etc) There is one of the pics I painted about a year ago: myself with the man. Man on my painting, a posture, face contours, hair cut, cloths.. but no face lines..
One of the pictures that have been taken last night.. (My V got it from photographer this morning and emailed it to me) I printed it and laid over my painting.. like I was drawing my painting off this picture.. IDENTICAL clothing, even colour of the suit, short and tie!!) posture, EVERYTHING!!! All is asking for to fill in the face of my painting..
How does this make sense.. It does not.. I just stair back and forth from my painting to the photo and back..
Yes, its like.. afraid of your wishes, they do come alive!!! Too bad I did not put "NOT MARRIED" clause on my list, what a screw up!!! (sorry, just been sarcastic)
HawaiianFlower, narcissistic? - sometimes… controlling? – yes! Never thought of controlling been a bad part of my character. Not type of controlling that equals “manipulating”. Nope. And yes we are like “two peas in a pod”. Again, not a bad thing. Thank you.
I am not here to be defensive. Nor looking for someone to guide me and cheering me up on how to get a married man. Neither for some one to judge me. Thank you for your participation. I appreciate it.
you are very welcome Narcisstic. that is your new name from now on. you come here and flaunt the fact you think you are winning by getting a married man.... all giddy yoyu are, and again, so glad I am NOT YOU
it won't be long when he disappears again, and again, and again, and again, and again,, good luck
Vic013, IMHO HF offered up her opinion which is what this site is for, or we wd not be here.
Oftentimes, we cannot be objective enough cuz we are caught up in the moment. It is always good to get support as well as honest opinions, even if the opinions appear to be judgmental. These not so flattering opinions, if reasonably thought about rather than discarded quickly, keep us in check. One thing I learned through introspection is that often the things that appear to us to be judgmental are actually things we probably know we should not be doing. I always remember this Chinese proverb...
"If one man calls you an ass, ignore him.
If two men call you an ass, start looking for tracks.
If three men call you an ass, saddle up."
relationships just in general can be hard work......this has added complications....the painting feels like a premonition i guess.
i think as a friend any friend would say hey vic this is so hard on you, and you need to think is all this effort worth it?do you think it likely he will become entanglement free soon so you can begin again properly?
If his marriage is in meltdown if he is unhappy...and he sees you...then i think as friend i would say .... back off if this marriage is falling apart back off let them deal with their business let him heal and then begin fresh with you so there is no guilt emotional baggage that is not yours to deal with.
its difficult when you're in love with someone, you do want to be there for them on any terms because you want to offer him a proper place in your life.
this looks like a long haul situation with no quick turn around, only you know when enough is enough perhaps he will make changes perhaps he won't? only you know what is happening between the lines.
the only thing any friend would say is....look out for yourself your daughter and when it gets too much for you walk away.
Vic , I wonder what advice you would give your daughter if one day she would come to you with this same situation. I doubt you would tell her to hang in there. Because you love her and you know that a man who would keep your daughter hanging on as a mistress couldn't possible love her the way she would deserve to be loved.
Love is not selfish, it's not lustful, it's not mind games, it's not power trips.
If he loved you he would leave his wife because he would want to make you his as soon as possible in fear that you might slip away from him. He would want to make you his wife. He would make you first priority. You must not know what love is or how it should be expressed between two people. This is why you are confusing his actions as love.
from the desriptions of these two and the rest of their friends being so opened with each other is unusual,, it must be a swinging lifestyhle,, hmmm i wonder?
Well I am lucky I have great friends, so does he. They do not judge us. My friends are always there when I am happy or when I cry. They do not interfere, they are just there. Everybody has their own grey areas and if we would pick on each other ones, what good it would do. Advises, opinions and etc are always very welcomed from them. Some I listen to, some I don’t.
Well as an update, I got very busy with my work lately so I did not have much time for any kind of drama. When he contacts me, I respond, when I ask him something he responds. We do communicate every other day to keep each other up to date what’s the other one is up too. It just got easier all the sudden between 2 of us. He just asked me to go out for dinner tonight.
give him some time and he will open up to you like a lotus flower,,, and then the swinging comes in. hope you like to swing from chandelier to chandelier heh? now that is some fun. I wonder if his wife is in on the three ways as well>
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I was thinking of it all this time. What if he will never leave his wife? I do not know if I am truly “ok” with that, but on the other hand it seem like I cant let him go, at least not just yet. I tried, numbers and numbers of time. Every time I was showing him to the door – felt like I am throwing away a part of me too. The part that makes me happy. Well I really cant choose if I should go with all the reasoning that you guys bringing up here (and I am very thankful for that!) or leave things the way they are and just enjoy what I have and that he actually does make me feel very happy. For the last 2 weeks when I stopped fighting the situation I felt a relief. I realized that it does not matter whichever wins – head or heart – something is gotta loose. So there is no winning situation in this case anyways. I kind of made a peace in myself with all this. I do not know how the future turns, and I have no plan once or ever. I’ll just let the situation get resolved on is own, once there is a right time for it.
About his wife.. Everybody keep telling me that there is just no way she has no clue that her husband is cheating on her. Maybe she does not know that he has the whole relationship on the side, but she cant not know that he’s cheating. There are consistency in which he leaves my place like 3-4 am in the morning, by the time he gets home is like around 5am and she knows he has no reasons to be elsewhere at this time. For example, this Thur we spent like 7 hrs together. He picked me up to go out at 9PM and he left my place at 4 am afterwards. Cant she really not know?
Plus with each day we go out more ppl we meet by accident that know us both and he always makes it obvious that we are not on “business get together thing”, he gets even more affectionate in the public to show that we are more.. Any man that would afraid to get caught would never-ever want everyone around to know.. and he shows it very well.
I mean just simply walking in public places where he knows there are lots of people who recognize our faces (due nature of business we are very much recognizable) he would always hold my hand, always. And when we bump into ppl that we know and we would start talking he would always make an accent on how well he knows all my preferences in food, my “likes and dislikes” , little tiny things that ppl can know about each other only if they are a couple and being so for quite a time. No hesitation from his side, never.
So the mystery question is.. “WHY HE IS NOT WORRIED TO GET CAUGHT?”
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Thank you so much Mardepp for all your warm words. Yes, I am happy with him in my own weird way and yes, illusion of the future together keeps fading and I am trying just to make peace with that. And I know many samples that men do not leave their wives for other women. They leave them when they feel hopeless and completely unhappy, when they reach the bottom line at home. All I can do is enjoy now and have no illusions.
You are right. Thank you!
Aw vic that's what it is...when he spends time with you and I read about it...you sound so happy and it's evident he makes you happy..then I think hmmmm is he seeing th light about what he wants....perhaps this will sort itself out in your favour being a net friend.....
And then when I read that you feel sad because he is being neglectful I think out come the teeth...oooo be off with you mr Virgo vic is down about this...
I think it's following your ups and downs.....
So people change their opinions...
I guess you are a free agent...he's the one that's committed..you hate the fact that he's marrried but he makes you happy...you can't change the fact that he's attached only he can....
But priority is you....when the sad times outweigh the happy times then I think you will know it's time to move on....if he doesn't change.
But if he makes you happy...you know the over all picture....and happiness is very hard to find.... O ly you know if it's enough....
X x hoping you're smiling x
Yes, I am smiling. Wow. There is no longer a tension between us. When I stopped waiting for a solution, things got so easy between us. We are like 2 kids. Since our last date last Thur we kept in touch like every day. Today for example we messeged each other thrue entire day, cheering up each other, sharing about problems, fooling around. Its like from 12 pm till 8pm my phone was going beep-beep-beep, lol. He mentioned that he got thrue a lot of feelings and emotions within last 7 month (time we have been together). First time in last 3 month we touched feelings subject.. I told him that pulling yourself from side to side must be exhausting and he showed just relax, enjoy the life day by day and time will put everything into the places. He smiled and agreed :). He’s coming tomorrow night, we are going to watch movies all night long.. Since he is coming at 10PM it looks like I wont sleep all night
Now off the subject………………………………………
My first husband of 3 years (I was living with him from 18 till 20 years old) had a daughter. She was 7 when I met her. He mom left them, she had not seen her for long time. I was raising her as my own. Walking to school every morning, going to parks, fishing, picking up mushrooms in the forest etc. I loved her as my own daughter then. The reason why I stayed for whole 3 year with my first husband.. I wanted to leave him after my first year.. I could not leave a child. She called me Mom as a joke all the time.
I could not think of how she will take it that her second “mom” leaves her too. Well I did. She was 9 last time I have seen her.
This Fri I got a phone call: “Hi… Remember me??... Mom..?” After spending 3 hrs on the phone I drove 2 hrs to pick her up from her “home”. Her dad got remarried 3 more times. All his wives did not want to do anything with her so for the last 6 month she got sent to leave with her real mom. Her real mom, when she left them.. oh.. she went all the way to the bottom of this life.. drugs.. prostitution.. As per my girl, things did not change much.. so here you go.. She stayed at my house over entire weekend and no one was looking for her.. No one even called her cell to see where is she… Child that no one needs.. Except.. a man she met 7 month go (!!!!!). He is older then her as well.. married.. He sleeps over often with her at her mom’s house.. her mom does not really care that he is married or anything like that. The only thing she put her on birth control saying if she gets pregnant she has to go.. Well, she talks so much about this man, how much he cares, that he is the only person she feels love from for a very long time.. ever since I left them..
The most crazy thing.. He is a VIRGO. I told her my storey too.. She said ‘wow, I am at the age (18) right now when you married my dad.. we look so much a like.. same hight, same wait.. we look like sisters.. (we are 11 years apart). She said that her dad found my website on internet and sent her a link.. It took her a week to call. She was so scared that the only person who cared for her at some point will turn away.
Well.. as for me.. miracles do happen.. I have my own 5 years old daughter and now I have another one back, who remembered and loved me all this years.. wow..
Getting back to our Virgos.. OMG! Its like we are talking about same man, her’s too takes her to the public all the time, all his friends know and like her, he buys her food and closing, he helps her with the home work at school.. and he makes her HAPPY! We met them at the same time.. and when she asked me for advise of what should she do to be with him.. I said “Nothing.. do not do anything.. enjoy your today.. if he makes you happy and loved.. isn’t what we all need in life”
.. to add to the story above.. I kept all the picture of her when she was little.. I was thinking of how she been thrue all this years.. I felt so much guilt for leaving her without explanation ( I walked her to school that last day, wished her a happy day, came back home, packed and left). She said she does not blame me, that she understands how difficult her dad is.. SHE NEVER BLAMED ME. She actually was thankful that I gave her 3 years of happy childhood. I cried so much.
Now I am at same divorce situation with the father of my daughter and listening to my daughter-in-law.. I am going to make my daughter's life NOT to become so brutal. I look at this girl and I see my own.. but older.. and what can happen. She found me for a reason, for both of us there is a reason. I am going to speak with her mom and dad. I want her to live with me and my daughter. I want to care for her as my own.
Nice your step daughter has you.....
Though I am not sure I would say to 18yr old that this relationship is okay aa long aa she is happy....this Age is usually uncomplicated relAtionahipa with perhaps the boy at school etc....me being silly"..but a time for crushes finding yourself learning how to love.
You are older and wiser.....and know what your getting yourself into....
I guess She could be very mature....
But if I'm honest it sounds to me this could begin a cycle where she accepts second rate relationships beginning at an early age because the love she was neglected to be given she has to find from people who rely are just manipulating her.....
Gosh when I was 18 I shyly looking Th boy that sat next to m in economics lol