HELP... another lady confused by Cancer man!

  • Curlz41, this is Brightsmileand hazeleyes' personal thread so you need to make your own thread by clicking on the "Create a new topic" button at the top right of this page.

  • Hi BSAHE,

    No the Cancerman did not contact me again. I was told ( from some one not on this site) he would come back some time, when another man comes into my life and that I will have 2 choices, but not to choose him because he will do the same thing again.

    To be honest, I don't think he will come back, and if he did, I would not go back to him.

    I don't trust this man at all!! I kept ignoring the red flags.

    I think he had this other woman all along while he was testing the waters with me.

    He was really hard to figure out, he was quite mean to me at times, but I would always say thats just his wounded heart from his ex-wife. Denial was there for me big time.

    Blmoon gave an exact description of him, you can read that on one of my other threads, I also had that information validated this past Saturday, it was all about him.

    Being rejected was really hard on me, it hurt! For a little while I held onto to hope he would come back and a would be changed person, but I just can't see him changing,


    I always say, I am not perfect, but I know how to respect some one and treat them well, I put this man on a pedastal, it was also like walking on egg shells a lot of the time I was with him. My friends did not like who I became when I was with this man, he drained me emotionally, mentally and physically, I can never go back to that, I loss my identity, I learnt some hard lessons, but NO ONE WILL EVER TAKE MY POWER AWAY FROM ME AGAIN!

    This was my first relationship after being divorced for over 3 yrs.

    I am glad that it was only 3 months with him, some serious damage could have happened with in myself, so in a huge way, he did me a favor by walking away.

    Sorry I am rattling on here, not sure if anything is making sense.

    Are you doing better getting over your man? do you still see or speak to him?

  • OOh, Piecesstar

    Unbelievable, he is getting married? So soon? What's with that? I think your right he had someone else on the side the whole time. Mine did . His face book friends were like from soooo many women. There will always be a scar on your heart from this lesson. It is a shame others have to go through this type of agony and wonder what it was all about. Brightsmile, you did the right thing for not playing his game. Some men are not meant for relationships, esp long term. We fall so easliy for these men, but they have other intentions.It is true, it's all about them and their feelings. If it wasn't for this site I would have went off the deep end. I have a much better understanding of the situation, yes the pain is still there but with time it will lessen( I Hope). There is no real closure with these relationships and they linger in our minds for quite awhile.The reasons for breaking up are not justifiable for us because we don't really know them or understand them. What we do have to know is what we want and should have in our lives-our happiness. If it's not there and the relationship is too much effort , move on and save yourself from more grief, we don't need it!!! Set your own relationship rules and stand by them, just like they do.

  • Thank you Piscesstar again for your posts. Everytime I read your words I am like... WOW, this is my story she is writing. I dated the Cancer man for 3.5 months and I am thankful it didn't go any longer than that. No, I have not had any contact with him. I refuse to go there. He did send me a text the next morning after we had our talk. I didn't respond to it. I read it and deleted it right away!!! I haven't heard from him since that text almost 3 weeks ago. When he left my home the last time I saw him and the night before the text, I honestly closed my door behind him and I told myself... he has just lost the best thing he has ever met or will ever meet. I am done and am not going to play along with his games. Life is too short to play his games. I believe his text was a game. He was testing the waters (me) and I also believe he was trying to relieve some of his own guilt. He was trying to make himself feel good and if I would have replied to the text he would have thought everything was okay. I was not going to give him that satisfaction.

    I do feel that he probably knew the other woman and had been seeing her before he told me about her. He can date all the other women he wants, but I am not going to be one of them. I am not saying it has been easy, but each day is a new day and a new beginning. I honestly think he didn't believe and/or think I was so strong and I would stick to my word about not having contact or seeing him.

    I have gone over our relationship in my head many times and each time there is something new that I realize now was a red flag that I simply ignored. He was definitely a real charmer and seemed to be very sure of himself. I believe that he was really hiding his insecurities by ACTING like he was so sure of himself. There still is one other issue that needs to be handled with this Cancer man. I have his laptop computer. It crashed while we were still dating. I have a friend who restores/works on fixing them and getting rid of viruses and anything else that might be wrong with it. Anyways, the last night that we saw each other, he mentioned his laptop. I told him I would get it back (fixed or not). I have the laptop, but I refuse to call him and he hasn't called me about it. How do I handle this? I am sure the day is going to come where he is going to call me or text me about getting it.

    Thank you SongofSharon for your post. Every single post I have read has helped me. They help me to heal and get a clearer understanding of the Cancer man. Never again will I date a Cancer man!!

    Good night!

  • Not all Cancer men are the same and you have to share some of the responsibility for attracting these types of people into your life. Whatever you give out comes back to you.

  • I agree Captain.... I do have a very close male friend who is a Cancer

    We talk everyday. Nothing g romantic and at one time we did have a disagreement and didn't talk for a little over a month. He contacted me via text and we have been very close since then. He is very caring, kind, gentle and into his family. He is the kind of Cancer described more often in astrology than not. I definitely take responsibility for my mistakes. I believe it takes two.

  • Good for you. Perhaps deep down there is a part of you that is fearful of losing your independence or control if you enter a partnership with anyone which may be why you only attract men who can't commit?

  • Hello Brightsmileandhazeleyes ~

    WOW! I can so relate to your story as I had been involved with a cancer man for 6 months about 3 years ago, dob 7/6 but a different year! Lol! He was extremely charming, in a rush for a "committed" relationship and so sure of himself, or at least that's what he wanted me to believe, but truth is he was and is very insecure. He had surgery scheduled on his elbow a few weeks after we broke up and I had promised him (when we were still together) that I would be there and help him out afterwards and I'm the type of person that keeps my promises so I was there at the hospital and helped him out afterwards since it was his dominant arm and there were things he could not do. Although things didn't work out as far as the relationship, we ended up becoming very good friends and are still very close. While I can't tell you what will happen for you, I can tell you my experience. I am close with his family, i think he maybe manipulated that to keep me part of his life. About 6 months after we broke up we spent Easter together and he said he wondered if maybe we were really supposed to be together and that several times he almost called me to ask me to marry him...yeah right! Lol! Anyway, I have known him for 3 years and have observed him and he gets involved with women very quickly but as soon as he has them and they are head over heels, it kinda freaks him out and he breaks it off. He wants to be adored, wants women to love him, spend all their time with him but then he feels smothered...he doesn't really know what he wants. Like I said, we have remained very close friends and at times he will start acting like we are in a relationship, calling and texting me everyday, wanting to spend time together everyday, and I have to come right out and remind him that we are friends, period, that's it and then he'll get an attitude and make comments like "well thanks for putting things in perspective." He'll get mad and then I won't hear from him for a couple weeks but then he'll text me an apology and kinda test the waters to see if things are okay. We will go several months without seeing each other and then we'll get together and spend quite a bit of time for awhile but then I keep things in perspective and put the brakes on when he tries to charm his way back to acting like we're in a relationship. He doesn't trust anyone and I mean anyone, but for some reason he does trust me and I know if I ever truly need anything, he will be there in a minute and he has when I really needed him as I did recently when my ex husband passed away and I had to take my son out of state for his dad's funeral.

    Okay I've explained a little about my relationship/friendship with him. While we are very close friends and I love him dearly, I trust him as a friend, I don't nor would I ever trust him again to be in a relationship with him. He can be so very charming, kind, gentle, loving, etc, BUT I've learned this is how he is and not to let him charm his way back into a relationship. Funny thing is I can say things to him and call him on things that if another woman did that he would have nothing to do with her! I have observed him in many, many relationships and they all end up the same soon as he has them hook, line and sinker...he is already looking for his next challenge but will keep them around until he knows whether the next challenge is worth his time! If it is then he drops them but if not he still has someone until he finds another challenge to lay on the charm! Sometimes after dumping them he'll charm his way back only to do the same thing when he finds another challenge, but he tries to keep them in the wings so to speak for as long as they will put up with it. I've told him several times that he gets this adrenaline high when he has a new challenge to pursue and I can always tell when he's on the "prowl" even while still being "involved" with someone. He has this "need" to be loved but when he gets it he doesn't want it anymore. He's been married and divorced 4 times (he's only in his early 40's) and says he will never get married again because he just can't live with anyone and can't be in a relationship but I think deep down he really does want to find the right one but has unrealistic expectations and when a woman doesn't meet them his disappointment leads him to keep playing this game, cruel game with women's hearts.

    I have read many, many posts of women's experiences with cancer men and most of them seem to be recounting the same kind of story. I'm not saying all cancer men are the same, but there seems to be alot of them that seem to all have the same characteristics and constantly play games! I can't tell you what this cancer man will do but I wouldn't be surprised if he does try to charm his way back into your good graces at some point, especially if he comes to realize he's lost a damn good woman! The problem is that once he's charmed his way back into your life and into your heart, he'll probably do the same thing to you again! Whether you decide to completely cut him out of your life, be friends or give the relationship another try is up to you but I would caution you to be very careful if he tries to lay on the charm because chances are it will end the same way...although it may not! Just be careful and listen, really listen to what your gut feelings tell you.

    I don't know if this helps or not, but know it's nothing you's him! Don't build the walls up so high from this experience that it become impossible for anyone to climb them! ! Learn from the experience and guard your heart but don't close it off or you could miss the opportunity to have a truly wonderful, caring and loving man in your life! I wish you all the best and pray that a wonderful and deserving man will come into your life and you will see that this experience was a preparation for a true and loving relationship that is meant to be!

    Take care~

    God Bless

  • Songofsharon,

    Happy to hear from you here.

    The hurt gets so much better with time.

    When I am very relaxed I can focus and really think about things, and I know that even if this man hung around and wanted to marry me, it would not work out.

    I just can't deal with this type of personality, I want some one who can communicate with me and not be so moody all the time.

    I don't know about the scar on my heart, but I know there is a scar inside of me.

    In a biazzare way I kinda miss him, yet the thought of being with him no.

    I don't know exactly when he is getting married, but I wish them well.

    How are you doing? Did you ever hear from your ex guy?

    May be until the next reationship comes in for us, that will wipe away the memory of these men that hurt us. I got over my ex husband, that took over a good year.

    I pray every day that I dont want to see the ex cancer guy, eventually I know I will have to face him.

    danr wrote some very interesting stuff there, I will make a comment on that next.

  • Captain, your last post on here is very interesting!

  • danr,

    your post made me say WOW alot!!

    I honestly can't believe everything that has been written on the site about Cancer men!! It is crazy! Almost every story is a duplicate.

    Somethings you said ,that they needed to be "liked", the guy I was with said those exact words to me "I want everyone to like me", and he told me he wants people standing up at his funeral, meaning like having lots of people attending because he was so well liked! Hello, we know it does not work that way, and I told him that in a gentle way.

    This guy is a successful business man, yet I could not believe how insecure he really is.

    I honestly could never understand who he truly is, because it was constantly changing and yes I have admitted it was his outta appearance that got me hooked and we did share some nice moments........every now and again.....

    What you wrote in your post is very accurate, you kinda want to feel sorry for them too, it truly is a puzzle trying to figure them out.

    My friend who is married to a cancer man (same dob as the guy I was seeing) for 30 yrs, has told me to run and don't look back. She won't leave the marriage for security reasons, but she has said it has been a challenge, they live like strangers under the same roof.

    Thank you for what you wrote here, it really gave me some thinking/understanding.

    Obviously we were all mean't to have our experiences with these men.

    We will heal completely.........and turn the page to the next chapter of our life.

    God Bless

  • Just remember we only hear about the bad Cancer men here. The partners of the good ones don't need to look for help and support - they are quite content. It's really just the difference between insecurity and self-confidence in these particular Cancerians.

  • Captain, this can be true, only with the experiences from what I have seen and been told, I am yet to hear of any success stories with these men. One of the men who makes deliveries to our clinic, has been married 35 yrs and in his own words has said he feels badly for his wife who put up with him all these years as he is hard to live with. I have noticed, (In what I have observed, my opinion), Most Cancer men are successful business men, there fore the wife stays in the marriage for financial reasons.

    Another friend the one married for 30 years, they are so wealthy, but let me tell you, she visits our clinic nearly every 2 weeks, she is always sick, she barely goes out and she has told me when she married him (this was his 2nd marriage), she got pregnant right away and he did not speak to her for that whole time she was carrying their baby, it took until after the baby arrived and then guess what, yes he spoke to her, but he focused on the baby, it was all about the baby and nothing for her, their marriage was basically over right then, but she chose to stay with him, money or no money, I would have left the marriage.

    My ex sister inlaw, is married to one, he treated her like dirt, I remember when the family would get together, her eyes were always red from crying because he would be the cause. (she admitted that). My mother inlaw at that time, said, she does not know how his wife puts up with him, this was her son.

    I keep digging around to find that success story, yes, I believe its out there....somewhere.

  • I think that as the saying goes when the student is ready the teacher will come. Cancers are teaching the women on these boards to guard your hearts. There's may be an extreme unhealthy version, but everyone must learn to have a balance in life. No prince charming perfect mate projections allowed anymore. You have to be able to be objective about the men in your life, or stand the risks of baring your soul to someone who is just going to compartmentalize you in the end. And guess what, by what all the discussions prove you will not be number one on a Cancer man's list. So be number one on your own list instead.

  • Very well said NessaE!

  • Perhaps the partners of Cancerians should also consider if they are right for their mate, that perhaps they simply don't have the ability to handle this type of person? Relationships are a two-way street.

  • It's all in the perspective taken; Amen Captain!! : )

  • Hello everyone! Thank you all so very much for your posts. There does seem to be a familiar tone to all our post regarding Cancer men. I do believe we all have a role in the outcome Captain and it truly does take two to make a relationship work. The Cancer man I dated said one thing and his actions showed a completely different thing. I went along with his actions. Meaning he said he was not ready for a commitment when we first met, but he wanted me with him every weekend and every Tuesday and Thursday evenings for going to the gym together, dinner and staying over night at his place. He also gave me a key to his home and a garage door opener. He made room in his garage for my car. Introduced me to family and friends. We took weekend trips together and always spoke of what "we" were going to do in the future together. We never talked about marriage, but we talked about our future together. His actions were not the actions of a man who didn't want a commitment. I take responsibility for going along with his actions and not focusing on the words of not wanting a commitment. Anyways, I am just repeating myself here with what I wrote in my first post on this blog. It is what it is and I have moved on. I am an Aries woman. I am very strong willed. Yes, I was angry and hurt in the beginning, but it has been almost a month since we have spoken. I have moved on and have focused on the lesson learned. I am focusing on myself and concentrating on being open to whatever comes my way. I want to be positive and have an open heart and mind with no walls built around me. I truly believe that I am being prepared to welcome a wonderful man into my life one day soon. I don't believe it will be the Cancer man nor do I want it to be. I have finally accepted that I won't hear from him again. That is okay.... I can accept it and move on and believe it is for the best. The reality is I only spent 3.5 months with the man. I was still getting to know him..... 3.5 months is not a long time compared to my age and everything I have experienced in my life so far. It is just a little hiccup or bump in the road of life.

    Hapiness is having a postive attent and being yourself!

  • Brightsmile,

    I know I have said everything I need to say on this topic, no one understands the way we feel having gone through our situation.

    It is sad to read other women who are at the starting point of one of these relationships and I just don't want them to be hurt, I know not everyone is the same and it could be different for them, I do know I can't save everyone and the thing is they have to go through the experience themselves to find out where the relationship takes them.

    I spoke my truth how I felt about my situation and my family and friends, I was just telling my story.

    I do have faith it will make us stronger, and we will know what to do next time around.

    You are so right, it is just a little hiccup or a bump in the road of life.

    Brightsmile, I know you will meet a good man because I can tell you are a great lady! I sincerely mean that.

    Hope you will let us know when that happens!

    God Bless

  • Wow, I have a Cancer male issue in my life too. I had mine (6-25-57) contact me after 30 years in October. I am separated and he says he is divorced. Lives in another state. Anyhow, he came down here in November. We hit it off well,he loved my kids also. We have been keeping in touch since and then Bike Week (first week of March) he came back down for a week. I was invited to see him and ride on his bike! It was so great. He reassured me the whole time he was having fun and was so happy to see me. I felt the best Ive felt in years and years. It was only two days but we did great. Anyhow now the Cancer moody stuff starts. All the sudden he gets back home and the texts were strange, something was not right. I could just feel it. I finally got it out of his little secretive self, he said he was thinking about us and since I left him (back in 1977!) he just cannot trust me again. We can still talk and all just no "hearts and love " subjects. WHAT!! I cried so hard. Just out of the blue. The moods are too much and he is so up and down all the time! Goes into the shell time as I call it and very confusing to deal with. I know long distance relationships are tough but why did he look me up to get this all started and now just boom think my feelings can just stop! This is so frustrating. He also says he loves me and always will for all these years but he doesnt want to be in a love relationship. Deleted me off Facebook and all. What did I do wrong? Might be a stupid quesion to ask here. We Leos are sensitive and the Cancers seem to be more than us!

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