HELP... another lady confused by Cancer man!

  • I had been dating/seeing a 54 year old Cancer man since November 2010. He pursued me and needless to say it moved pretty quickly, even though he said he wasn't looking for a commitment. We spent every weekend (Friday thru Sunday) together and every Tuesday and Thursday evenings. He gave me a key to his home and a garage door opener to park my car inside. He wanted me around all the time and I did really enjoy being with him. We started working out together at the gym, cycling together, making plans for Spring and Summer. He always spoke of "us" in the future. Not married, but everything we were gong to do together. He introduced me to some of his family and lots of his friends. I introduced him to some of my family and friends also. We seemed to really get a long and relate to each other. He would asked me, "why me, why did you chose me?" and I would tell him I liked that he makes me laugh, is considerate, a hardworker and a family man. I asked him, "why me" and he said because I get him. I understand him and accept who he is.

    We had an agreement that if either one of us wanted to start dating others we would be honest and let the other know before either one of us went out with someone else. Well, on 3/3/11 he called and said he wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be going to the gym with me. He then proceeded to tell me that he needed to talk to me. I asked what about and he said he didn't want to tell me on the phone. I said, just tell me what it is about. He said, I just feel like I am in a marriage and I want to date other women. I asked if he had met someone and he said, yes, I had coffee with her last week. I said, okay, do me a favor and go to your house and grab whatever is there that belongs to me and bring it to my place. We can talk when you get here. He said, that I didn't need to get my things out of his place. I could come over as usual on Friday or Sunday. I said what about Saturday, knowing the answer was he probably had plans with the other woman. He did!!! He proceeded to tell me that she called him and asked him to do something on Saturday. So now, he has told me he met someone and he has a date. I just reiterrated with him to go get me things and bring them to me. He showed up on my doorstop and hour later with most of my belongings. He came in and said that a friend introduced him to her. He said, I don't know what I want. I was married 21 years to the same woman. I haven't really dated anyone. I care about you and want us to still be friends and spend time together working out, cycling, dinners, etc. I told him that I have enough friends and don't need anymore. He asked me to think about it as he really enjoys being with me and doesn't regret any of our time together. I told him that he didn't keep his word about us dating others. That we had an agreement that if either one of us wanted to seek dating others we would let the other now before the date. He said, it wasn't a date. I just met her for coffee and she called me to hang out. Wow... sounds like a date to me. I told him that the way it sounds and looks to me, he met her and if there was an attraction then he would tell me. If there wasn't an attraction he knew he still had me on the back burner.... WRONG!!! I don't play those games and I don't wait around for anyone.

    Anyways, we parted ways that night and I was angry and hurt. The next morning he text me this..."hey there, hope you have a great day your old friend (his name) and I mean old". I didn't respond to the text. That was on 3/4/11. I erased the text and all texts I ever received from him. I erased his number from my phone and all pictures of him. I have had no contact with him and he has not contact me.

    I am moving on, but still wonder what the heck went wrong... how does a man and/or woman go from spending so much time with someone to no time at all??? I do miss him and wonder if I will ever hear from him again. I have read many of the Cancer threads on here with amazement. There are so many of them.

    Can someone tell me what really happened with this Cancer man (7/6/56) and me Aries woman (4/8/59)????

    Thanks for reading and listening to my thread... may we all find happiness! 🙂

  • This combination tends to reveal to the two of you sides of yourselves that you never knew existed, or that you have always secretly wanted to know. It is a relationship then that sets both of you on a road to self-discovery. As such, it unlocks enormous energy, which usually becomes its focus: where is all that energy to be used? What do you do with all that the relationship reveals? What happens is that you two tend to put the energy to use in a frantic way and as a result, the relationship becomes known for its frenetic pace.

    The two of you are very differnet people and conflicts are sure to arise, but a mutual fascination may result in a pleasurable love affair or an interesting and rewarding friendship. But the relationship needs a chance to really establish itself before the synergistic proces of personal realization can begin. While you can benefit from the much-needed self-discovery offered by this matchup, you can help your friend to step out into the world to realize some of his wishful fantasies. It may also happen that your friend merely projects his dreams and desires onto you, being satisfied to watch you act out his own secret ambitions. He can fall into a sort of temporary hero worship of you but once it passes, he will want to move on to find other heroes. Unless of course he moves onto a higher level of wanting to accomplish his dreams himself rather than enjoy a vicarious pleasure through others. He also has a dread of consistency and can jump from one situation to another in his search for excitement and adventure.

    The danger of this unusual matchup is of mutual dependency - and of you being too vibrant and challenging for your insecure friend. Yet in the end, water puts out fire so the final test of independence comes when one of you leaves and then it will become apparent if you two can function as well-rounded human beings without each other. You should fare well with this breakup Brightsmile because you love your independence and hate to feel at all controlled by others.

    Basically you got burned by the Cancerian tendency to put their partners on a pedestal too quickly, to come on very strong, then almost as quickly to flicker out like a wind-blown flame. Idealism is strong in them and their love fades when the other person doesn't measure up to their unrealistically high expectations. Many Cancer people have a lot of growing up to do before they find true lasting love and happiness.

  • I'm gonna stick my nose in on this one, because it sounds like what I've seen with other people.

    Basically, the Cancer doesn't want commitment because of his long previous commitment...BUT he wants that comfort, physical contact and emotional gratification of a relationship. I think thats why he freaked out when you guys starting acting like a couple...he started to feel 'tied down'. Thats why he didn't even bother stopping himself from going out for coffee with that was almost proof to himself that he wasn't tied down, and he probably figured he didn't have to tell you because you weren't in a relationship. He wants to be free to do what he wants, to feel that freedom....but he also wants the same perks of being in a relationship, which is why he got so close to you so fast, and then ran off when he felt like you were getting 'TOO' close. But its not even the closeness, I think you guys just started falling into a routine and maybe acting exactly like a couple and that freaked him out.

    Hope that helped.

  • Thank you Captain and MariaRia for your thoughts and input... so greatly appreciated! 🙂

    Captain, what do you mean " Idealism is strong in them and their love fades when the other person doesn't measure up to their unrealistically high expectations."??? You're right, I did get burned by a Cancer and it hurts! You're right Captain, I do enjoy my independence, but I do miss him.

    MariaRia, I agree that he got "freaked out" and he didn't have to tell me about the coffee meetup. It's like he wants his cake and eat it too. I felt like he wanted me to accept another woman and wait for him to figure out what he wants. Does that make sense??

    LIke I mentioned above in my original post he text me the next morning and I didn't respond and deleted the text. I just couldn't play the game that I felt he was playing or wanting to play. I don't know why I am questioning my reaction to his text, did I do the right thing and will I hear from him again? It makes me sad to think I won't because it makes me feel he doesn't care or miss me. I get weak sometimes and think about calling him, but then I talk myself out of it and my stubbornness kicks in and I tell myself H**L NO! I also think do I really want to be involved with a Cancer man after reading everything about them on this site... it's amazing!

    Thanks again to both of you for your wisdom. I look forward to hearing from you both again!

  • It means he basically wants a second 'mummy' who is the perfect little homemaker and parent and yet who lets him do what he wants all the time and waits at home patiently with his dinner, no matter how late he is and never EVER nags or complains. This person doesn't exist, but it doesn't stop him looking for her. Also, he doesn't want to settle down again and get stuck in a humdrum routine as a husband, as Maria said.

  • And I'm afraid Cancers like this guy rarely come back - at least in the more committed monogamous way you want.

  • So at age 54 almost 55 he wants to just play... wow... I guess it is true that some Cancer's never grow up! He really had me fooled... I believed his actions. He got me hook, line and sinker.

    I have to be honest and say I didn't ever really fell comfortable with him completely nor did I fully trust him. He had also told me in the beginning that after his divorce his ex-wife's best friend contacted him when she was going through her divorce a year after his. They ended up hooking up and sneaking around town seeing each other for six months. The woman decided her friendship to his ex-wife was more important. The ex-wife never found out. I told him shame on his ex-wife's friend and shame on him. There were many times when we were together and the woman would call or text him still at all hours.

    I felt if he could sneak around with his ex-wife's best friend he could sneak around doing anything.... should have followed my gut feeling. Instead I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

    Thanks again... I truly appreciate all your words and guidance. What an eye opener this experience and relationship/experience has been with Cancer man.

  • Yep, always trust the gut. 🙂

  • So true Captain, so true!! 🙂

    Can you tell me what you see for me in the future... will I find a true companion and love?

  • MariaRia..... please tell me more if you have more to share regarding my other post above....

    This has definitely been an eye oopening experience. I appreciate both what you and The Captain have shared.... it's amazing to me!

    Enjoy your day! 🙂

  • Yes you will find true love, provided you can overcome ego and vanity issues to allow someone to share your special universe equally. Still, rising to a challenge is your forte and you are able to inspire and stimulate everyone around you with your passion and enthusiasm. It's just that you can be too formidable and come on too strong, and this can intimidate anyone less feisty. If you can cultivate more objectivity, avoid any tendency to be overbearing or demanding, and turn your attention outward at other people rather than trying to draw attention to yourself, you will discover a universal connection with others that will be very rewarding. Once you learn to balance your own personal needs with those of the people around you - keeping promises, fulfilling obligations, and loving unconditionally - you will find a serenity and happiness that you have never known before.

  • Thank you Captain for your guidance and words of wisdom. I am so excited to get started on your suggestions. I have never felt I really had an ego or vanity issues. I have felt though that I have a wall built around my heart as I don't want to be hurt. I also know that when you fall in love, being hurt is a chance you take. I have always felt that I give it my all only to be let down.

    Can you tell me if this true love will appear and happen in 2011? Is it someone I already know? Just curious... my smile is bright!

    Thank you again for your time... I greatly appreciate it!

  • Captain... continued from my above post... YOU ARE AMAZING!! I keep reading everything you have written over and over and learn something new each time. Each time I read everything I lfeel a little bit more of the weight and disappointment I felt about the Cancer (7/6/56) lift off my shoulders. I am excited and feel more positive about what you have written and explained to me. Everything is going to be okay... right?

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! 🙂

  • Brightsmileandhazeleyes,

    I went through the same thing as you, you think a man at that age would just grow up but they dont. I will NEVER date a Cancer man again!

    They reel you in, but they still keep their options open with other women.

    The one I dated, disappeared on me, this was August last year and now I hear he is

    getting married, this is a guy that did not want commintment, go figure!!

    Please believe what the Captain and Maria have told you.

    Its our "EGO" that holds us back, get over him and move on, You will find some one who is worthy of you.

    It took me awhile to get over this, and in truth, I feel so liberated.


  • Hi Piscesstar... thank you so much for you post. I just read yours regarding the Cancer man you met last year. It was like reading my own story. Wow... I am definitely amazed at all the different threads regarding Cancer men. I too will NEVER date another Cancer man!!! I have met a few in the past and actually one is a very good friend. But, as far as dating one, no not again!

    I believe you, Captain and MariaRia. I keep reading over and over what you all have said to me and it sinks in more and more each time. You are right... it is our egos that get in the way. No one I knows like to be rejected. I know that I am a good woman and gave a lot of myself to this Cancer man. I am looking at is as another experience in my life. I have been through much worse and know this too shall pass.

    I reading your thread and thinking about what I would tell a friend if going through what we have gone through.... RUN and DON"T LOOK BACK!!!

    Did your Cancer man ever contact you again? ... I didn't see that in your thread. I did see where someone told you he would within two weeks when reading the three cards.

    Again... thank you for taking the time in reading my thread/post and for the words of encouragement. It is AMAZING how much all your words have helped!

    Love and Peace to you!

  • The problem with building walls around yourself is that it's only you in there. Your entire focus becomes you and everyone else recedes into the background. When you can make someone else feel as important to you as yourself, then you will have wonderful and equal relationships. As soon as you start removing your 'bricks', you will let in not only the clear light of clarity but many people too. As soon as people become aware that you are shining your spotlight on them, you will be beating them off with a stick. 🙂

  • Wow... thank you Captain. The bricks will be coming down and I will have my stick ready! Very excited to get started!

    Thank you again for shining your light on me! 🙂

  • Captain... what is a Tarot reading? I understand it has to do with cards... do you do those type of readings? I know you have already told me so much, but can you do a Tarot reading regarding the same subject we have been chatting about on this thread? Future relationshp...

    Thank you and I look forward to hearing for you again! 🙂

  • Hi everyone, I started dating a Cancer man three weeks ago. Being that I am a Virgo I figured this was going to be a great match. I had an extremely hard time with his disappearing acts and almost ended things. However I just (instead of wining) told him in true Virgo form that I needed contact every day. Even if just once that would be fantastic. To my amazement he is fine with that. Go figure. He likes to keep to himself but is opening up more and more. Starting to share with me when he is pissed off at the world instead of just leaving me wondering. We have been slept together just twice. He tells me that he loves me and I tell him as well. He has the most sweet and gentle heart. I love that about him. The question here i guess is....why does he not tell anyone about us? He encourages me to to tell my family and such and I did but he hasn't told a soul. Maybe he doesn't trust the situation yet? I am not sure. Any ideas?

  • Brightsmileand hazeleyes, I am not a tarot card reader but there are plenty here who are. So just post your question in the Tarot forum which you can find by searching the dropdown menu at the top right of this page.

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