UNDERSTAMDING MY MOM
i would like some advice on how to help my mom,
she is very bitter, unhappy, angry, unstable human being.
my sisters and i supported her through nursing school for 4 years. She attended school in her homeland in mexico. She completed the program but not the service of one year to get your license so she may go back (still not sure)
anynow, my problem is that she is very unstable and i feel like she realy had ni intensions of working at all. i my self am about to complete nursing school next week. We both currently live with my sister and i plan to get my own home with my son as soon as i can. i think my mom plans on moving in with me, but i can reasure you that would be a huge mistake in my life if i do allow that to happen.
what happen to my mom? why is she so unhappy? how can i help her with her happyness and well being?
i thank you a head of time
I'm going to bump you up here on the forum. (so your post comes up on top)
If no one answers you by the time I get back on I will take a shot at it. But sleep on the fact that this is not something you can fix. You can help but you can not fix it. Only she can.
thank you Ibeleive..
you wrote “she is very bitter, unhappy, angry, unstable human being.” Hand her positives and leave it at that.
“why is she so unhappy?" She is stuck in a negative mindset and has found thatr it is manipulating you and your sister into giving her what she desires. The two of you in her life.
"how can i help her with her happyness and well being?”
This is not an easy one. There is no magic cure, (at least none that I would ever advise or utilize). There are talismans, prayers, reminders of living in the now, motivational speakers and positive thinking.
Here’s what you can do:
Provide as much positive support as possible. That translates to what type of TV/radio programming is being watched/listened to in the home, and especially what kind of communication is taking place. Don’t join in on negative patterns or conversations. Put a positive spin on it if possibly and watch your thoughts. Do not continue to lament over her bitterness or think of her bitterness, each time you catch yourself, offer up a prayer or positive affirmation. (“I see my mother getting more and more positive everyday.”) Any time/way, you can reinforce positive atmosphere the better. Bring fresh flowers and plants into the home, try calming scents and lighting. Help in keeping the clutter down. (Since it is not your house, you can ask what you can do to be of assistance by way of cleaning/chores and you can keep your own clutter from influencing the rest.) Other than that there is little else you can do personally except; acceptance.
Practice the following affirmation: “I accept my mother’s choices. I love her and hope for only the best for her from this day forward. I accept that she can find the way to happiness inside of her and I accept my choice to do the same.”
You can change it to a prayer if you practice such, and remember; it can not hurt to try.
The problem, as you well know, is your mother’s problem. No one can change another, you can however try to help and give her love, compassion and most of all accept her behavior as her choice. You can always and continue to love her and confer advice, or suggest treatments or possible solutions, but that does not mean she will be in a frame of mind to listen or hear you. She is stuck in a negative mind frame and you and your sister although with loving intent, are “allowing” her to continue it without showing her the eventual end of the road she travels.
That of the two of you either cutting her off from your lives or allowing her to ruin a great part of it.
That means plain and simple; DO NOT let it interfere with your choices. “Acceptance” and “allowance” are two separate things.
“I accept her choices.” Is compassionate but does not imply your involvement in the correction of the situation. On the other hand,..
“I allow her choices.” Implies some association of guilt and an effort on your part to continue the situation.
You can’t fix it, only she can but…You can help her to see that continuing this behavior is not going keep the two of you (you and your sister) from moving ahead with your own lives. Please do so. You are responsible for your lives and those of your children. She is trying to hang on to her responsibility to her children by way of keeping you under her control. It is not necessarily mean spirited but it is manipulative. She has gotten good at it because you let her. It is the same learned behavior children are so good at manipulating.
Example of a child “If I ask while she is on the phone, she’ll say yes.” Result, the child learns to always ask you for something when you are on the phone, it gets them what they want.
Your Mother: “If I continue being sad and unhappy and needy, they will stay with me and support me and I will never be alone.” SHE fears this (being alone) above all.
Show her that if she wishes to be a part of your future, then she will have to change her behavior. You do not SAY this to her; that would be a challenge and she will rise to it. SHOW her this by going on with your own life in a positive manner. Do not engage in negative arguments. Put a positive spin on it instead as much as is possible then walk away.
Allowing her behavior/attitudes to change you or your sisters behavior/attitude is getting her what she wants, you in her life, not being alone. This will only continue her behavior, it is called “enabling”. You have done well by her, but continuing to allow her to manipulate the two of you through the guilt/fear/love triangle only reinforces her behavior and choices. She is making the choices here on how she wishes to live.
Show her that there is a better choice. By being free and happy and looking to a bright and positive future, one she can enjoy with you or without you. One that maybe she can go and get on her own for herself.
They call it tough love. It may not work. But, again you have done well by her, you can continue to give her love and what support you can short of letting her run your life for you.
She may run out and find someone else to manipulate, so be it. Or hopefully she may go grab a life of her own. You have given her tools, she has to want to use them.
she should see her doctor for a medical evaluation. I think it's her thyroid, and either she is going through menopause or post menopausal, and causing her mood swings, such as depression, crying spells, and general irritation.
help her get the help she needs. she is not sleeping well either..
thank you Ibelieve,
all very true.
My sister and i brought this same subject up last night. My sister desided to have a talk with my mom today to ask her what is it that she realy wants to do woth her self/life. And what ever it is (i.g not work, go travel when she wants, with out any responsibilites) than she will be okay with it and support her.
My sister approves of this because she sais, mom is unhappy and this is what will make her happy. she is older and dosent have much time left (my mom is 54 years old)
I dont agree with my sister.
thank you again. Your help was much needed.
Your mother wants attention and to know you will always be a part of her life. She is fearful of what her future life will be when everyone is going their own way and you all forget about her. It is an unrational fear but as HawiianFlower pointed out and (I am/have been going thru it myself, I am 50) These fears and her behavior could very well be pushed out in such a bad manor by a medical problem.
Harmonal shifts affect different people in different ways. You can try. (My older sister still refuses to accept menepause, as far as she is concerned, she doesn't have a problem, "everyone else does.")
So she will not take supplements or try some foods that can help regulate the system etc.
If you can get her to see a doctor, her problem may be solved. If not and you suspect menepause, I found that using more soy and vitamins in my diet helped tremendously. (My mother suggested it to me.)
Either way helping to provide a positive atmoshere can only help. If not her than the rest of you living there.
Hawaiianflower and Ibelieve
thank you both so much for this help. My sis and I just got done talking to my mom about possible health problems and so she agreed to see a doctor. i will deff let her know that she wont be left a lone.
its very fustrarating to direct a problem when one is not sure where to start....so again, thank you so much.
LOVE and HUGs, blessings