Forgivness



  • Did not kow where to put this and just putting some thoughts down I that needed a release for understanding.

    I learned a long time ago to keep things to my self; bottled up. This is the sort of thing I have been working on undoing and unlearning. It’s a work in progress but these forums and ALL the wonderful souls here have helped me and motivated me to release these patterns and change. I’m trying to open up and I have opened up, but I also don’t want to flood the forum as I could easily do.

    Balance, balance, balance. More than a sprinkle but les than a torrent.

    So here is a minor soak.

    The more I forgive those who caused my old and new pain and suffering; the more I realize I am the one I want and need to forgive.

    I am very strong and I knew I could take it, so I did. That was very wrong of me. I treated myself badly with no apology for doing so and no let up on the abuse I would allow myself to take. Oh, I had my reasons; I always do. They make sense, I can argue any case; take any side.

    I’m like a boss who continues to dump more and more on a loyal employee who will never tell him no. Some of it is the employee’s fault for not setting boundaries and some of it is the boss’s fault for ignoring the obvious decline in spirit. Since I am both parts of this equation; it is difficult to understand that the party who was always forgiving was the one who should be angry and vice versa. I just ended up layering more on cause I could not get out of the cycle. I am angry at myself for doing this to me. I am forgiving of myself because I understand.

    This dichotomy needs reversal. I should be angry at myself for not setting boundaries and forgiving of myself for the misunderstanding. That is a first step. The next one is even harder. To actually learn to set boundaries.

    It sound easy, there are many books on it and I may even have a couple. It doesn’t really matter, it starts with being honest with yourself. What are my needs and how do I balance this with everyone one else’s needs? Well heck, I like to think I am a good manager and I am. But I never really gave this question any thought before.

    My needs were always an unknown in the equation of life.

    My needs (x%) + everyone else’s needs (Y%) = 100%. Since everyone else’s needs were a known function at any given time; mine were unknown. (How much can I take? As much as you need to.) If I could not easily grasp the overall answer quickly it was easiest to just give my needs the least value. Both sides balance; problem solved.

    Well, that’s not working for me anymore. Time to quit taking shortcuts and solve the real equation. So what is the value of me? Equally balanced with everyone else? Perhaps, my needs are the known function? Does the amount of my needs change from time to time, some times more and sometimes less. Before, the value of me would always depend on how much was in the other part of the equation.

    I believe they both fluctuate, but I also believe there is a limit to how small (x) can get. It can’t be 0.

    Guess maybe trial and error. I did not get to be a good manager in one project, it took years. Hopefully, I know enough about me to cut the apprenticeship time down. We’ll see. LOL



  • Good for you Beth, you sound a lot like my friend RC and my best friend Dot even myself, I too quite often put my own needs last, but lately I have woken up and realized there is only one you, you do not have a replacement, givers, give and give until there is nothing else and then a part of us will die. I do know this much, you have the power to take YOUR life back, only you are really in control. People do to us what we let them, it's beautiful to give and be of a giving nature but not to the point you are abused an anyway or taken advanatage of. Good luck in your soul searching.... Peace..



  • Ibeleive~ What an incredible realization. I too have hit a road where I came to grips that I too have hurt me over the years and dang was/am I upset by my treatment to myself. I have allowed myself to be run over and I have lost many opportunities as others always come first...no matter. I wish you LOTS of Love and be nice to yourself...remember she had a lot of excuses and believed them at the time. Love her and forgive her just as you are. I am too hard on me. Good with the advise bad at taking my own though. I am changing that too. I want to thank you for your openness. I commend you for seeing the truth; it was a serious slam for me as I have a problem with those that LIE and I found that I have been lying to myself for a very long time. You are so right X = 0 is not a good solution to any equation. Be Blessed and Be Delivered.



  • Good for you too Spirit Seeker, love that name.



  • Hi Beth, took the weekend off did you?. Hope you enjoyed it.

    You wrote:

    "People do to us what we let them,"

    OH soo true. I thought forgiving them was hard, cause eventhough I understood and had compassion for their mistakes or limitations, I still kept finding it difficult to let go.

    I let them therefore I forgive me for letting them. There! that feels much better. So, I'm not perfect, I'm not a martyr; I'm human. Less than perfect but full of promise! I love me.

    Hey Paddifluff!, I think the balancing/Healing you and Michael sent is growing stronger by the minute!!! Fantastic!

    SpiritSeeker8,

    You wrote:

    "I have a problem with those that LIE and I found that I have been lying to myself for a very long time."

    You said a mouthful there. I'm such a hypocrite. This is definitly one area I should be a lot harder on myself.

    There was a write up I was reading yesterday from Daily Om:

    "Most of us have probably come across the universal wisdom that the people who irritate us the most are expressing qualities that we ourselves have...This isn’t always true, of course, but when it is, it’s a real opportunity for growth."

    Well it's spring so here's a toast to growth!

    Blessings and gratitude.



  • You wrote: "Most of us have probably come across the universal wisdom that the people who irritate us the most are expressing qualities that we ourselves have...This isn’t always true, of course, but when it is, it’s a real opportunity for growth."

    That would be my husband!

    Don't be hard on yourselves, we ARE only humans and no one is without faults, no is perfect, I say all the time I am not perfect, I am a living, growing learning Human Being, I believe if we were perfect, we would not be here (earth) at all.



  • Bee sent this to me, I'm sharing:

    The Little Soul and the Sun This parable is taken from the bookConversations with God Part 1 There once was a soul who knew itself to be the light. This was a newsoul and so, anxious for experience. "I am the light" it said. "I am the light" Yet all the knowing of it and all the saying of it, could notsubstitute for the experience of it. And in the realm from which thissoul emerged, there was nothing but the light. Every soul was grandand every soul was magnificent and every soul shone with thebrilliance of God's awesome light. So the little soul was as a candlein the sun. In the midst of the grandest light, of which it was part,it could not see itself, nor experience itself as Who and What itreally is. Now it came to pass that this soul yearned and yearned to know itself.So great was it's yearning that God one day said, "Do you know littleone, what you must do to satisfy this yearning of yours?" "Oh, what, God? What? I'll do anything!" the little soul said. "You must separate yourself from the rest of us" God answered, "andthen you must call upon yourself the darkness" "What is the darkness, o Holy One?" the little soul asked. "That which you are not" God replied and the soul understood. And so this the soul did, removing itself from the ' All ' going evenunto another realm. And in this realm the soul had the power to callinto it's experience all sorts of darkness. And this it did. Yet in the midst of all the darkness did it cry out, "Father, Father,why hast thou forsaken me?" God replied: "Even has have you, in your blackest times. Yet I havenever forsaken you, but stand by you always, ready to remind you ofWho You Really Are; ready always ready, to call you home. Therefore be a light unto the darkness and curse it not. And forgetnot who you are in the moment of your encirclement by that which youare not. But do praise to the creation even as you seek to change it. And know that what you do in the time of your greatest trial can beyour greatest triumph. For the experience you create is a statement of Who You Are - and WhoYou Want to Be. Part 2 God said to the little soul, "You may choose to be any Part of God youwish to be. You are absolute divinity experiencing itself. What aspectof divinity do you now wish to experience as You?" "You mean I have a choice", asked the little soul. God answered, "Yes. You may choose to experience any aspect ofdivinity in, as and through you." "Okay," said the little soul, "then I choose forgivness. I want toexperience myself as that aspect of God called complete forgivness." Well this created a little challenge, as you can imagine. There was noone to forgive. All God had created was perfection and love. "No one to forgive?" asked the little soul, somewhat incredulously. "No one," God repeated. "Look around you. Do you see any souls lessthan perfect, less wonderful than you?" At this the little soul twirled around and was surprised to seehimself surrounded by all the souls in heaven. They had come from farand wide throughout the kingdom, because they heard that the littlesoul was having an extraordinary conversation with God. "I see none less perfect than I!" the little soul exclaimed. "Who,then, shall I have to forgive?" Just then another soul stepped forward from the crowd. "You may forgive me" said this friendly soul "For what?" the little soul asked. " I will come into your next physical lifetime and do something foryou to forgive," replied the friendly soul. "But what? What could you, a being of such perfect light do to make mewnat to forgive you?" the little soul wanted to know. "Oh," smiled the friendly soul, "I'm sure we can think of something." "But why would you want to do this?" The little soul could not figureout why a being of such perfection would want to slow down it'svibration so much that it could do something 'bad'. "Simple," the friendly soul explained, "I would do it because I loveyou. You want to experience yourself as forgiving, don't you? Besidesyou've done the same for me." "I have?" asked the little soul. "Of course, don't you remember? We've been All Of it, you and I. We'vebeen the Up and the Down of it, and the Left and the Right of it.We've been the Here and the There of it, and the Now and the Then ofit. We've been the Big and the Small of it, the Male and the Female ofit and the Good and the Bad of it. We've been the All of it." "And we've done it by agreement, so that each of us might experienceourselves as the grandest part of God. For we have understood that... 'In the absence of that which You Are Not, that which you Are, isNot'. 'In the absence of cold you cannot be warm, in the absence of sad youcannot be happy. Without a thing called evil, the experience you callgood cannot exist'. 'If you choose to be a thing, something or someone opposite to thathas to show up somewhere in your universe to make that possible.' " The friendly soul then explained that those people are God's SpecialAngels and these conditions God's Gifts. "I ask only one thing in return," the friendly soul declared. "Anything, Anything," the little soul cried. He was excited now toknow that he could experience every divine aspect of God. Heunderstood now, The Plan. "In the moment that I strike you and smite you," said the friendlysoul, "in the moment that I do the worst to you that you could everimagine - in that self same moment...remember Who I Really Am." "Oh, I wont forget!" promised the little soul. "I will see you in theperfection with which I hold you now, and I will remember Who You Are,always." --



  • Ibeleive I think what you are doing is very wise one of the hard lessons i have learned is how can i be good to anyone else if i can not be good to me and i have talked a lot about it here on the forum and that is Truth. How can we solve a problem if we do not understand where it stems from .

    Nearly 28 years ago i had a choice to make to do certain things or remain the way i was and probably die that way and i sure wasn't scared of dieing, but i was scared of living the same way .

    So i become willing to do what ever it took to stay sober , and in that choice to stay sober i had to come to believe in a power greater than my self and i did and to just not believe but to take action and deal with all the things that caused me to drink to start with and the whys and all the fears threw out my life and that was all in the first year of being sober and my new life things begin to change for the better i had to make amends for the harm i had done .But one of the things i learned was i couldn't live my life like that anymore that choice was gone Truth hit me right up beside the head ,and to live a healthy life free from fear i had to take daily inventory of my daily living ,and the questions i had to ask my self on every decision i made is am i being honest with me .

    One of the biggest defects of caricature i have daily is selfish and self centered,and what i have to look at if i am giving direction or advice or experience to some one whether it be a spouse ,boss,or employee,or a friend . I need to check my motives am i doing this to help them help their self or am i doing this to make me look good or am i doing this to be a mortar.One of the killers that will destroy my life real quick is resentment and i try to deal with any thing before it goes into resentment and what part i have played in it .

    So i guess you could say i have very selfish motives for dealing with truth i have to live it not just talk it spirituality is very simple for me its Truth of self freely given given freely and i have to deal with the truth of self every day and some days it don't feel good .But to serve God and my fellow man the first one i have to be good to is me by being honest with myself and when i am spiritually fit i am in a better position to make good decisions for myself and those around me .

    One of the things i have learned also in writing things down i see me and i can not afford to harbor bad feelings so i have to seek truth and by writing it out i see my truth .If i keep it bottled up it turns into resentment and threw resentment comes bad or hurt feelings of myself or others followed by actions based own them bad feelings .So for me today this is what i have to do daily and has been for over 27 years . I did try it one time after a year i thought i don't need this i don't have to do this and guess what ? I got drunk and stayed drunk until i reached a point to where i could not drink but i could not keep from drinking and in that state is when i found one of my living He*lls and one more time Grace saved me and threw all these years now i have got to see and experience the beauty of Truth and also the ugliness of lies .

    I hope this might help you to feel good about yourself and sometimes living in truth don't feel good but in the long run we learn to feel good about our self because we are trying to live in truth. Tooter



  • See you are not alone. I hope you can find some healing here.

    xPaddi



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  • Wow, Poetic, that was awsome, thanks for sharing and thank to Bee for sharing as well.

    I often think of soul aggreements, mostly when I am struggling to figure out WTF was I thinking. LOL

    No really, there are so many lessons to learn and I love learning. Get what you ask for I guess.

    Loving it.



  • Thank you Tooter, you are so wise. And your thoughts always make me feel better. It saddens me to think what you had to go thru to become so wise but there really is a price for everything. Some pay less than others but it is always within their means to pay it based on their strength.

    You wrote:

    “I need to check my motives am i doing this to help them help their self or am i doing this to make me look good or am i doing this to be a martyr.”

    I would add, that sometimes I do it for attention. I have to watch out for that one; it’s a tricky little thing. I can easily tell myself I have a higher intention at heart but…you know the drill. So I try to remember to back off at times and let others shine. When their brightness comes out it is glorious.

    I work very hard to honor my beliefs/values with regards to others and the outside world (cause I like sleeping at night) and yet I persist in not honoring them inside myself. You would think I would be kinder to one so close but the truth is “she lets me get away with so much.” I would be a poor parent if I let my child get away with these things. A loving parent sets boundaries. You have a choice but there are limits to how far you can go. Now to put into practice what I preach, but only because I am a loving parent.

    Blessings



  • What little wisdom i have came at at very high price and my biggest regret is those that are harmed in the process of it and i see a lot of it here my biggest wish is i might say a word or a sentence that might keep someone from going down the roads i have been down and sometimes they have to go down that road .I really do not know anyone who set out to be a alcoholic or drug addict or a liar or a cheater but we see so much of it and it is usually people wanting to change the way they feel .

    Why do we make that ultimate sacrifice at the cost of so much to change the way we feel? For me i found i had lost the truth of self of who i was and what meant so much to me, it never happen over night it happen over periods of time and each time i used something else to change the way i felt instead of looking at what made me feel like that and what it stemmed from .

    Three fears that really stuck out in my life and i made the ultimate sacrifice for was fear of not getting ,fear of loosing ,and the fear of not being excepted ,i would like to tell you they are gone out of my life and they are to a point but gone ? No they are there anytime i allow them in and if i stay spiritually fit in Truth i do not have to worry about them as long as i am honest with me and if i can not be honest with me how can i be honest with you and if i have acquired a resentment i need to resolve it before i go to bed that night i have to do this every day and if i don't there is no guarantee i will see another day sober but i have a choice every day i wake up and today i chose to live in truth.

    Please believe me when i say today i enjoy life i know i gripe and complain how things are and are not but the most important thing about that is i know it i feel it i get to experience it for what it is good or bad i have seen evil and thank God i didn't go that far but i went further enough that in darkness of evil there is no hope no feelings no caring and no love at all . Its a hunger that can never be satisfied ,a thirst that can never be fulfilled ,a longing that can never be and a desire that can never be felt and a love that never will be and no hope for anything and i knew people like that and when you look in their eyes there is nothing there just evil .

    So i know very well what waits for me if i chose to go that path and were it leads so yes i talk about Truth a lot and just not to help anyone to not go down that path but to keep my reminded where i came from and how easy it is to go back there and i do not live in that fear as long as i am honest with my self . Sorry i guess i needed to here this again to . Love Tooter



  • Tooter and anyone else who wishes to stop by,

    First off, I will not apologise for the length, cause this here is my Party (Topic)!

    I understand the reminding thing. We all need reminded at times. When we don't, we get sloppy and then we invite catastrophy to strike. I have a tendancy to go up to the point of exhaustion and sickness most times before I remember to rest and take care of me. The time span keeps getting shorter though. (or I am getting older.LOL) So, now I end up sick or throwing my back out etc. With the age though, I am trying to change. Some of it because, I don't heal as well but most of it was cast upon me through the angels. Gabriel, in particular, blew his horn, shoved a book to write into my head and guess what, it was about me! Not what I intended. I had no idea what it was really all about until I put the pieces together much later. I've always been spiritual and tolerant of all religions and spiritual groups but just doing my own thing, no looking for others or any of that sort of desire.

    Here's the story:

    So I was running along fine. Working full time, taking care of the kid (my husband worked swing shift) and day dreaming. (call it creative outlet) I am an architect but as a project manager there is very little design work involved, its business and contacts and deadlines and coordination, etc.Then my daydream got bigger and expanded and one night an entire scene erupted in my head, the setting, the characters, their interelationship to one another, the dialogue, and even the back stories for them. I could not sleep with all this ini my head, I got up at three in the morning and started writting at the computer. By 7 when my son got up I was already into the next scene and had much of the novel outlined in my head.

    Prior to this time, I had only written portions and outlines of novels (all dialogue) and scripts, because I was never good at description, only dialogue. Now all of a sudden, I'm writting the whole thing with no trouble what so ever.

    It was supposed to be a silly little romance novel. (I like those kind of things.) And yes the main character was loosely based on me but...she was an empath, she had a gift and she had never acknowledged it. The male counterpart named...wait for it...Gabriel was also an empath and...wait for it...a truth sayer. He uses his gift for the court by letting them know when someone is not being truthful or hiding something. He can amplify an individual so as to almost taste their emotions. She on the otherhand with out any understanding or real belief, is a projective empath. If you have ever placed a live microphone near its amplifier you will uinderstand about how their first meeting goes. LOL

    Anyway, The only reason she is brought down to the trial is because she is the only one in her firm honest enough to withstand the truthsaying experience. (The rest are strictly businessmen and they are a bit like polititions. HE!HE!) So Gabriel decides to become her mentor. She needs to learn to shield, but first he must convince her of her gift , as she is in denial. He has a conversation with her directing the flow such that he can prove to her she is gifted and it finally makes sense. She had known all about what she did, how it worked and even had psychics tell her but she never fully believed. She refused to actually accept it or even acknowledge it.

    I went on writting the story for another week, the character starts sounding and acting more and more like myself when, all of a sudden it hits me. I was writting about my experiences. All of her information about how the gift worked, how she used it in daily life, her troubles with shutting it out, her need for quiet places and sactuaries, trips to the mountains and deserts and even the trip to the casino where the sensory overload put her at ease because it drowned out the gift.(which is the example he used to convince her of her gift) were from my own experiences.

    Talk about stubborned denial, my character got the point a week before I figured it out!

    I go on with the book and while doing some research on novel writting I come across this bit about theme, you have to have atheme. So what is the theme of my book? Well its a romance, and the girl is honest to a fault with everyone but not with herself. she is in denial and he is a truthsayer and oh yeah, I forgot to mention she has other secrets buried so deep, not even she knows what they are. She is hidding from herself. That's it, the theme of the book is "honesty." The many layers. Okay, so I go on and then there were some problems with the premise of the book manifesting in real life.

    See, I had based the original setup for the characters to meet on a real project I was currently working on. The premise required the project be taken to court. (Well from now on I will be writting historicals if you get my drift.) I got a little weirded out and down right scared and I asked my sister to pull an angel card for me. Gabriel of course. Now there are 3 Gabriel cards in this deck with different messages but the one she pulls is "Creative Writting" "Make time to write down your thoughts in a journal, or pen an article or book." WTF, I think!

    Now most peole know that Gabriel is the "Messenger Angel" me too, but that is all I knew. So at this point I start doing research on angels in general and Gabriel speciffically. I go out and buy Doreen's book on mesages from your angels and there on page 79 is the message she wrote from Gabriel

    "...My overiding function is to enable you to speak truthfully, while feeling at peace with the process."

    Of course I was at peace with the process, I was writting a work of fiction. HL, my character figured it out quicker than I did. And it was peacful right up until the St hit the fan on my project. (Did I mention it actually ended up in court. There were many similarities to what I set up in the book and what went down in real life and I documented them all including the fact that I wrote the whole thing out prior to the first sign of trouble. But that's another story.)

    Back to page 79 and the message from Gabriel:

    "Much of my work involves shepherding you along, wherein I coax you to be free of lies, deceit, and half truths -first, towards yourself. You cower in fear and loniness, unwilling to seek freedom and peace through speaking your truth. That is where I come into play. I am your powerful ally in your attempts to speak up for yourself. But I must remind you once again that first you must speak up TO yourself, and then you can speak up for yourself."

    Now this all speaks to me and through my work of fiction, I had begone to realise how much I lied to myself. Oh I was honest enough (not perfect mind you) with others and I disliked dishonesty that so many practice on a daily basis but my writting had shown me how liitle I valued truth and honesty within me. I did not really ever give it much thought and here is this arch angel who I now know and love through my writting telling me I have a problem. Oh he is there to help me but I was just begining to understand how huge this problem was. How much of my life was based on keeping quiet and going with the flow and keeping up appearances, etc. (I have to admit here I have a bit of a crush on him, since it was a romance novel and BTW the character was originally named Jean, the french pronounciation, but my sister kept reading it as Gene and I did not like that. Now, since my character had long white hair, I decided his mother would have thought of him as her little angel and since she was born in france, I decided to look up french names meaning angel for boys. The only response on the website was "Gabriel" So that's how he got his name. This was way back at the begining of the writting and well before any of this other stuff came into play.)

    So then the next sentence on page 79 hit me like a ton of bricks.

    "Truth-telling must begin with in your own being..."

    Now wait a minute. Did he just say truth-telling. That's a bit too close to truthsaying isn't it. I thought I made that term up just for my character named Gabriel!

    Well by this time I guess you can understand, he had my attention I have spent the last year trying to come to grips with this part of the message and all the rest. Researching late into the night, praticing divination and decluttering my mind, my home, my life. Learning to let go, cut chords, heal old wounds, forgive, open up, along with all the other things that come up when you deal with people and have a life. But anyway, that's how it all started and I am still working on all the same issues.

    That does not mean that I haven;t made much progress as I have. It speaks more to how badly I had cut myself off and shut myself down. Its pretty deep and I'm a bit tired of it but I want to go on.

    The first steps were the hardest to get past; took the most time and took the most out of me.

    And a year ago, I would have laid down good money that I would never post, even anoimously, anything that revealed this much of me. Cause, I love a sure thing.

    No, I never got back to the book, it still waiting but I also think it is still evolving. We are both a work in progress.

    Blessings



  • Thank you for sharing your story, IBelieve. I personally appreciate it because Archangel Gabriel has been showing up for me for about a week now and I couldn't understand the connection (because I did not know the full story of Gabriel just as you didn't when you started your book!). Over this past week I have been feeling the push, urge and now desire to tie up loose ends with several relationships in my life. The first one is with me - forgiveness of Self - as I too tend towards being a perfectionist. As hard as some people may think I am on them, I am hardest on myself! The second with a friend with whom I used to work. Things were very difficult before I left that job and I was never really sure if she was truly a friend as she claimed or if she was complicit in the "wrongs" that had been done. I chose to keep her as a friend, but to be careful with information I shared just in case. Since I left the job she has called several times and I have not called her back. Partly because I have been going through so much internal work and just didn't have the energy to spare, partly because I didn't want to hear about the old work place, partly because there is a battle going on with the owner of the company and I wasn't sure if she was "fact finding" or not. So today I sent her an email apologizing for disappearing on her and offering my help if she still needed it. The next one is my parents. I have been incommunicado with them as well and I know they are taking it personally and feeling like I don't love them. Our relationship has been strained over the years, but I do love them AND they too have only been victim to my need for alone time to go through all this chrysalis/purging. So I need to call them tomorrow to let them know it hasn't been about them. Lastly, and this is the big one, there is a "friend" type of a person in my life who I met on this forum. She has a very strong personality and although she has always had a fiery temperament, over the past several months I feel it has escalated to a point where she is obviously in some deep pain. Due to her personality, however, she is either not aware or won't admit it. She sent me a very passive-agressive email last week about something I did wrong. I was wrong, but it was a situation with someone else - not her - and I had already apologized to that someone else. I was going to ignore her email since I knew it would just escalate, but I got a strong message to "speak my truth," "take a leadership role," and Gabriel also showed up. So, I sent her a reply explaining that I had apologized to the person I had let down, why I had let her down and that I didn't understand why she felt the need to lash out at me. I also explained that the only reason I was replying was due to the Angel messages. I then tried to relay as best I could (it's difficult in email since the other person does not always know the emotional intent of someone's words) to let her know that her anger was escalating and it wasn't healthy. Of course I received a reply which switched from passive-agressive to down right full on AGRESSIVE. At that point I decided to drop it because I just didn't feel that a p*ssing match was productive. However, I am still getting Gabriel messages all over the place. Ugh! Still not sure what to do at this point, but wanted to thank you for shedding some light on Gabriel for me!

    Blessings,

    Watergirl



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  • Ladies it makes me feel good that maybe just maybe someone heard and believe me you 2 are good examples of that and its not my words its yours ,your truth and that is what all this is about ,how can i live in truth if i do not know me and getting to know me sometimes don't feel good .

    I will tell both of you Ibeleave i am a superintendent or mostly a general foreman and had my own business for over 20 years so i know about being a PM and in that arena you are so right it is real hard to be honest and keep your job that's why i have lost some i will not sacrifice my principles so guess who goes and it is dog eat dog and i had forgotten how bad it really is till i went to work in Oklahoma just as a carpenter when i had been a supervisor for over 20 years it was humbling to the point of humiliation and sad at the same time what people have become just to make their self look good .I have never felt more like a object than on that job then i would get mad at myself for letting it happen or excepting it when i knew i didn't have to .

    But the core of that is not what they did to me but rather how i dealt with it and believe me it got hard at time when it was day in and day out being made fun of because i am deaf in one ear and have a hard time hearing in the other and i would always say hu so that became the big joke when anyone see me they would holler hu hu and one of the biggest abusers was a foreman ,i was hired as a carpenter and was treated as a laborer or a gofer and being a lot older i think i was the oldest there in over a 100 people so that part of getting older and respect for your elders and their knowledge has become a joke .

    You know i told that foreman there one morning i said you know if your lucky enough to make it to my age and when you have a hard time hearing and people are making fun of you maybe you will remember this time and know how it felt with me .Did it stop ?NO ,and ladies i know it is just as hard for women with women you all are brutal when it comes to competition and heaven forbid if the boss likes you and i don't mean in a se*xael way either.

    If my life right now and what makes me feel worth while or it could even be helping pay the bills coming on here and giving all this information on giving readings and my reputation is on the line as a physic and someone else comes own here and they are taking the attention from them the treat comes out of what will happen if their discredited their existence their lively hood is threaten so out of fear they are making treats and trying to justify their actions sound familiar .

    This is important you are not here by accident you are here for a purpose some will some wont but you 2 are here for that purpose and that is to guide those in darkness to the light and yes there is that danger of what i just spoke about how it can become overwhelming if we do not stay spiritually fit in Truth of self ,see Truth and you know who is and who is not but the main est thing is to stay in truth and not get side tracked by rivalry what is the main purpose at this time ? To become spiritually attuned in Truth and we seek our Hearts for guidance and Truth is eternal we learn from the experience of others how to get rid of the fears that are blocking us off from the sunlight of the spirit TRUTH and we do this to be able to guide those in darkness to the light we are not here to be a island to our self but i light that shines to all who seek .

    The time runs short Ibeleave your book is about you your Truths and in the writings we see it for what it is and it is also Watergirl about standing for Truth and the test of ones self for that Truth .

    If you go to work at 6am do you wait till 5 am to go to bed ? NO this is what i am saying ,some think we can take all the time in the world to do these things and those will be the ones left behind and coming here will not save you when that time comes ,some say it will be what it will be and that is exactly right ,if you see all the signs of winter you don't go putting you bathing suit on you prepare for the cold you know i would like nothing more that to be wrong ,but what if i am right ? What is it costing me right now i should be trying to find a job to support myself ,but i am being pulled to be doing this and the money is o but the reward is the Truth i feel in my Heart to do this and write this that i feel i am guided to do and this is my Truth and if i am wrong i am fixing to loose every thing my trailer ,truck,storage,and what tools i have left every thing .

    To some this is insane H*ell to me its insane my kids think i am insane but they are starting to see they can not ignore the Truth anymore so why do i do it? Faith and Truth and my Heart ,fight for your Truth stand up to those who try to discredit your Truth and always seek your Heart for guidance,do not waste time on those who are not seeking Truth theirs will come the hard way .Love is our guiding force love is knowledge and out of Love comes Truth and that becomes the light to all one mind many Hearts . Love freely Given I Give To You Tooter



  • Tooter I dreamed last night that a man had a scratch off ticket for I believe $500,000.00 or 500.00 I think it was the first number, I pray that it's you.

    You are so right people can be so cruel and evil and that ain't a judgment it's a fact. I think you just have to stay humble no matter what your gifts are they can be taken away, I've seen it happen right here on this site. God looks at your INTENT and your Sacred heart. Rule number 1 is that we CAN'T CHANGE other people so that leaves one option and that is CHANGE how we allow them to affect us. We give our power away when we allow them to get under our skin, I had to learn that the hard way. I had a supervisor once who was crazy as a loon and she went out of her way to make your life as miserable as possible, I was ready to fight one day enough was enough and I actually walked into her office to fight her and she wouldn't come off the phone, I stood there like 15 20 miunutes and left. I went to a park and man saw me crying in my car and asked what the matter was, I told him and he say one or two things are gonna happen, she is gonna leave or you are gonna leave. I learned to laugh at her, always laughing and smiling like an inside secret and God moved me out there right after, everyday now she see's me and goes out of her way to be kind, I heard she takes Happy Pills now but once I laughed I was in control. Don't let them steal your joy. I've been blessed ever since, I treat people the way I want to be treated, do I have bad days yes, but I try not to take them out on any one. I've climbed the corporate ladders, I have traveled and seen quite a bit, I don't have the "Worldly Ambitions" anymore, been there, done that. To each their own, what color is my butterfly??? All the colors in the rainbow, inside is more important now than out. Love Yall!



  • Poitic that was very you the real you just like you i was removed from where i was at i don't know if it was for that reason i do know every time i checked my blood pressure when i was up there it was 135 and after i was let go even before i came back it dropped to 124 and that's what i usually stays at.

    You know i got something that is bothering me i have been thinking{ first sign of trouble LOL} about and i really feel lost in this area ,i read your email Thank you ,but this is weighing heavy on my mind and been doing some thinking about but i can not seem to get a clear understanding .

    That is what i want to do and Ibeleave you being a PM would understand also ,it says we create the future by our thoughts being brought into fruition of action and action into being , I want to be and do and learn from our mistakes and every thing being guided to help Mother Earth and i know my area will probably in the electrical grids and the rebuilding of them but also housing or shelter and Ibeleive you know as a PM every thing has to be secured estimated and approved before you implement action to start the job this is were i get lost when i do a job or plan for it ,i know every aspect of it and what it takes before i even come close to actually starting the job at hand .

    How do i think of something if i can not see how to do it ,its like how can i project a future if i can not see how to do it except only the same ways as before ,do you kinda understand what i am talking about ? Tooter



  • OH Poetic every thing you said is so very true


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