HELP w/ son's reoccuring choking dream!
I understand you're empathic so I said a little prayer of protection for you before I sent this. Lot's of emotions involved in this response so please be aware prior to reading.
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, his mom was very vocal about getting him into a medical study regarding growth hormones in 5th grade. The only problem with that "story" is the boy has always been one of the tallest kids in the grade so there would be no medical reason a doctor would allow him into the study. I wasn't trying to leave that out I just felt if I flat out stated he was taking "steriods" it would just be piling-on and one more outragous statement - almost not believable. You read where they "legally" changed his name I AM NOT JOKING ABOUT THIS and held him back so there are TONS of issues with this boy (and his mother & step-dad).
Most people in our community give this family a wide berth but he's still a "star" athlete and people don't want to go against that, especially the other football players and their families. They all think he's SO cool and my son struggles with this SO much. This bothers the rest of us as well yet it's just part of life - some things aren't fair. We also know one day it will come back to him and/or his family and we may not know where or where but it will. I'm sure somewhere in Brett Favre's history there a story like my son's and somewhere in this country there's an adult who is laughing so hard at how his NFL career ended and how he will always be the butt of jokes. This person feels "he finally got his".
I know my son has issues as well and he struggles relating with his peers, mainly because he thinks he KNOWS EVERYTHING, especially about history, and has no problem telling anyone about this. There's also the fact that our family lives a very comfortable lifestyle and we've repeatedly heard things from kids and parents alike about their "assumptions" on what we do for the football program or what we "buy" i.e. a position on the team. That type of thinking is ridiculous!
As I'm writing this post I am getting angrier and more irritated by the minute.
I'm mad at how my son was assulted in 5th grade when he was pushed down the stairs.
I'm mad the other boy NEVER really got in trouble at school. We still don't understand why he couldn't be punished even thought his mother didn't sign the "behavior sheet" for his school record.
I'm mad parents don't parent!
I'm mad paren'ts didn't want to "get involved" because they didn't want to be at odds with this boy's mother. They all thought she was working with the athletic director at the high school but she wasn't - SHE LIED but people believed her.
I'm mad some kids have "ridiculed" my son because they think he tried to get this boy in trouble.
I'm anrgy at myself for not fighting with the school to MAKE them do something with this boy. Looking back our principal at the time had a son who played football at the high school and I'm darn sure he didn't want to rock the boat for his son on the football team.
I'm most angry that I didn't see my son has been TRAUMATIZED by this whole thing. Falling down a flight of stairs is one thing but it's completely different and SCARY to be with friends and be pushed from behind. Then to be more traumatized at how other people reacted to the assault.
Recently I found some of my son's school work from middle school and came across prompt writings for english, the teacher gives them a prompt statement and they have to write 2 pages about the topic. The one I found is "How violence has changed my life". That was the saddest thing I've ever read. I found this the same time we were having the discussions about the dream analysis and sleep apnea so this is how it all sort of came together.
I know what my son went through was nothing compared to what some families have dealth with or violence they experience everyday. I can only imagine what a child who lives near or lost a loved one on 9/11 would write. I'm grateful we live in a safe community and my son was not seriously injured on the stairs - he could've died! However, I have to help my son deal with what happened to him and help him heal and move on from the fear. Maybe I need to do a little healing as well.
I still think it's absolutely AMAZING and hilarious that I'm discussing this with complete strangers, Captain's on the other side of the world and I believe you're in Florida. However, I know God works in mysterious ways and it took a discussion on this forum to really get to the root of all this. The dream guidance opened the door to the discussion and you and RCDreamer picked up on the sleep apnea; you also picked up on the boy's hormones and his parents being involved.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for your insight into this and if you have anything to add please let me know. Also, I know it's not fair for me to keep "taking" from you and the other gifted individuals without giving something in return. I've said a prayer for you and your protection as you read this but I'd like to send you a gift. I know privacy is important to all of us but let me know if your comfortable with this.
Thanks again for sharing your gifts and your insight.
Love and Blessings
Thank you for your insight. You're right about the boy being "groomed", it's a little odd to say the least. I'm sure there's a book or at least a made-for-tv movie on this kid's life. I say this in jest but what's funny (or not-so-funny) is this mother has been pitching tv ideas to networks for years. The last pitch she made was for a reality show based on her son and his "rise" in the quarterback world. Again, I am NOT joking about this, the mother is very vocal about her work on her son's behalf.
Yput things perfectly when you said the lasting effects "hadn't surfaced before". I think it just took some time for the boys to be in the same place again for this to really surface. There's been very little contact between them because the parents held the boy back the year after the assault (once again I an NOT joking about them holding him back to give him more "maturity" on the field).
Thank you for the parenting compliment but at times my family thinks I look too closely at things. Sometimes it's just annoying then other times it's helpful. They say some people look at things under a microscope but my daughter say's I look at things with a telescope - she calls me Hubble. I don't have any "gifts" like ya'll have I just know how to search and to be open to the possibilities there's an answer out there somewhere.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for your insight into this and if you have anything to add please let me know. Also, as I've written to Blmoon, I know it's not fair for me to keep "taking" from you and the other gifted individuals without giving something in return.
I know someone who is psychic and she told me a long time ago that it's not good to utilize someone's gift without giving something in return. Even now if we chat on the phone and I use her gifts in anyway I take her a little something the next time I see her. I've said a prayer for you but I'd like to send you a gift. I know privacy is important to all of us but let me know if your comfortable with this.
Thank you again for your kind words and your insight
Love and Blessings
You are so kind. I love your desire to give back but believe me by sharing your story you are doing just that. There is no need to give otherwise but the prayers are always something that is appreciated. I wish for you & your son to find a resolution to his breathing issues, so he can feel comfortable in his own skin. I'm sure his overall health will improve when he can breathe more freely during rest. He is a fine young man I can sense that. The lingering effects of a child's poor choices may seem silly to some but many of us here have lived through similar torments in our own past and have realized the lasting effects such experiences can have on us. Your son is open to healing and brave enough to share his "dream" and incident with you so in as much as so many teens wall themselves up in their own little worlds you should be so proud of him for coming to you about all of this. We are pleased to be of help. Keep us posted on your sons progress and your own. You & your husband are opening up to things sadly so many might otherwise ignore and I promise you in the end it will have been worth it, your son will have such appreciation to know that you care so much. It's tough being a teen but he has a good heart and your family is a fine example of how we should step up when loved ones are in need of our support, encouragement and aid. He is lucky to have you, a truly caring mom.
Have a wonderful day. You deserve it!
Kookish asked - "Can you please help us with this and give us some insight?
1. Are my husband and I on the right track and did this hurt my son more than just the twisted ankle and bruised kidney?
2. And if yes, has this made him fearful?
3. Does my son feel “unworthy” and/or “anxious”? If yes, is this why?
4. If this is what’s wrong with my son right now I’m at a loss as how to help him get over this. At this point my husband and I have discussed finding a therapist. Any thoughts on this?
5. Do you have any insight into why my son was on the lower level team this year? Is it just where the coaches thought my son belonged this year or was there something else going on?
**I know this one sounds a little strange but then again I'm asking a very nice woman on the other side of the world I've NEVER met for advice. I think we're WAY PAST STRANGE HERE!! hehe
5. Is there something wrong with the boy and is he dangerous?
6. Is his mother dangerous, other than just being not so nice?"
Yes your son is still being affected by the accident - why his friend did that to him. There is a huge sense of betrayal here, not so much the fear of being physically hurt (though that is there) but fear of being betrayed by someone he considered a friend (and a fear of future betrayal by friends). But the other boy has been affected just as much. This was only an accident - he was just fooling around and misjudged his strength when he went to give your son a good-natured nudge. There was no malice involved and he would have apologized if his parents (mother specifically) hadn't stepped in and refused to let him say he was sorry. The incident then got blown out of all proportion by the adults involved. If you haven't guessed by now, the mother strongly and in an unhealthy way identifies with her son. His success is her success (that she never had herself) and if he had said he was sorry, she felt that would somehow mean she was wrong too.
The way your son can put this all behind him would ideally be that his friend says he is sorry - but as the mother won't allow that at the moment that might be something the two boys can address when they are older. For now, it's important for your son to know it was entirely an accident. He didn't do anything to upset or offend his friend or to deserve the push. They were just kids fooling around in a rather dangerous place. This doesn't mean that any other friend will betray him or hurt him. He has to learn to trust others and to trust himself to have the capability and strength to handle any situation. Learning self-defence and the mental discipline that comes with it would really help.
This is why your son holds himself back from team sports (which the coaches sensed) and anything that involves physical activity and interaction with other kids. He just doesn't trust them not to hurt and betray him. But this has all been one big misunderstanding - the boy who hurt him is haunted by what happened and is very very sorry and has his own emotional problems resulting from the accident. But his mother is so screwing him up with all her medications and pushing him to win at all costs that these days he doesn't know which way is up. He is in fact much worse off than your son and somewhere along the road if he doesn't rebel against his mother, he will have a complete breakdown in both physical, emotional and mental health. The mother is in need of intense counselling but is really only a danger to her son and herself. Though she would take action against anyone whom she sees as standing in her son's way to success.
**** = screwed
Kookish---what a cleansing thing--your anger. The healing thing is family deep---a loss of power not just for your son but you and his father as protectors. There is a fear--you all are pushing out of the radar. It's scary when we cross paths with evil--specialyy when a loved one--our child is hurt by it. Almost every parent alive has had this happen at least once. Thank you for being so thoughtful about my empathy! You are right--to connect with that boy's family is really hard core toxic and why my post about knowing the growth hormone thing was very short--I knew but had no desire to read further on him. There is a psychic knowing between you and your child--meaning we often pick up silent fears in each other---your family as a unit is affected and this is not bad right now all these emotions--let them out--they are valid. You have been touched by evel. Evil is not a person it is an action--people can be good one minute yet also do evil--evil is the seed planted--the intention---this intention those parents planted in their child--a ver very ego based intention and it has spread evil things that touch others. It is just your son's higher self and yours picking up that this boy's situation is much much darker than the normal roughhousing adolecent stuff that happens. Your intuitions know it is growing and festering in that house and it is very unsettleing to know nothing is stopping it. Life is part of this reality--everyday somewhere evil is growing and it grows and touches others. If this boy just went on to lead a normal life you would not be still having these emotions--the same for your son. All of us must deal with recognizing evil and protecting ourselves the best way we know. Justice is a hard one-I can tell you most certeinly that family will not escape implosion---there will be a trainwreck. If you can't stop it--you can only get out of the way. You can pray for that boy--for an outside divine intervention. I don't wish to get close to that pain but the control they have over him is going to do a complete turn around---he will crave his true identity--his anger towards them for not loving him for who he is---for making him invisable---just a character an expection of some extention of themselves they created to please themselves. Your son is dealing with issues of protection--safety---anger---and also the reality of just how evil people can be--out of the blue---it's scary. We as adults just learn not to dwell on that. We know it but keep it out of our thoughts. Pray to Saint Michael to protect your family in a strong way but withe out losing your heart. Pray for that boy as well. You have to believe in good.
Dear Saint Michael God's own right hand---you with the biggest heart and the mightiest sword---please hear this prayer to heal this family who has been attacked by the energy of evil and please raise your mighty sword and cut down that seed planted by the shadow of another's ignorance--bring the light to their child they are abusing--Saint Michael---heal the damage done not only for him but bring healing to those he has hurt while lost in the darkness of his own pain--thank you--Amen.
Beautiful Blmoon, your prayer to St. Michael. Thank you for it and he tells me "he's on the job". He said he has taken this case very seriously and no one will ever hurt this boy again. Not on his watch he says. He also says forgiveness is necessary for all involved. That hearts are not meant to turn to molten metal and instead, must forgive others for your own sanity, as well as your own spiritual enlightenment. Turn the other cheek. God loves every one of his children, and children...are just that, children. They make mistakes. Their heads are turned to idolize the wrong things at times. But look past actions and see what is underneath. Pure fear. So have empathy for them. Don't condone their actions, just understand what drives them. And take the higher road. For there is much to look forward to.
(Just wanted to pass this on).
Words escaped me last night when I read this, which as you can probably guess doesn't happen often with all my long winded postings. All I can say is B E A U T I F U L! My son is the most important person in this yet we know all of us need to heal from this--we need to remove the fear and reclaim our power. The prayer is amazing and I’m getting a St. Michael medallion for my son to wear for protection, he will really like this.
We’ve always felt sorry for this boy but I’ve never really looked at him as a true victim. You wrote about “his anger towards [his parents] for not loving him for who he is---for making him invisible”; truer words have never been spoken and this makes him the biggest victim of all. Weeks after all this happened our son said the most profound thing, “Mom, if he ever got hurt and couldn’t play football anymore do you think his mom would still love him?” I told him “of course she would love him he’s her child” to which he replied “I hope he never gets hurt because I don’t think she would”. Out of the mouths of babes.
I do believe the boy has been affected by this as I see him from time to time at school and he’ll be smiling or chatting with friends but as soon as he sees me the smile fades and he looks away. I always grit my teeth and smile but become angry when he looks away and think to myself “what a jerk, he won’t even look me in the eye”. Guilt is a powerful thing and now I understand he probably CAN’T look me in the eye so in the future when I see him I will no longer look at him with anger and will offer him a genuine smile. The prayer is beautiful and something this child of God deserves and on his behalf, thank you.
What happened on the stairs was an assault, he put his books down and pushed with both hands. We thought the school would handle it well and the boy would apologize, neither of those things happened. At the time we thought we were being reasonable in dealing with the school but in reality we allowed others to be afraid of this woman and we did NOT make them do their job. We may have thought we were being reasonable but to a hurt child it may have felt like we didn’t fight for him and I believe this is where we let our son down and where I believe all his fear and hurt started. My son may have thought we were too afraid as well to stand up for him and demand something be done. He may have felt he wasn’t worthy enough that others, mainly us, would actually do their job and make sure this boy was punished on his behalf. I can only imagine how hurt and angry he must be if he feels he’s the one person the other’s were LEAST concerned about in all of this. Imagine if he thinks we felt this way. All these years we’ve been so angry at “them” never realizing how scared, hurt and probably betrayed our son has been feeling. This happened 5 years ago - I can only imagine how this has festered and grown in his heart and soul.
I imagine these feelings like thorny vines growing around his heart and in his soul and with time the vines have become thicker the thorns sharper to where the vines could choke out the light into his soul and the thorns could pierce his heart. These are just weeds that took hold where they don’t belong and it’s time they were removed! Now that I know they’re there I’d love to chop them out but there’d still be roots left or I could rip them out but we don’t want to damage something good in the process. This is something that has to be shown to my son so he can understand how they got there and why they grew so large. Once he realizes this had nothing to do with his self worth then I believe he’ll be able to stop watering and fertilizing them with fear and anger. The weeds will wither and die by his will and he’ll be able to remove the dead roots and feel safe and confident once again. This is my hope and belief for healing and I ask God for his guidance.
When all this started I didn’t know how to bring this up with my son but your message was the perfect introduction to this. I read my last post to you then your response to my husband and son and it was very well received by our son, my husband agreed it was the perfect introduction to this discussion. I’ll give this another day then he and I will have some time alone to really talk about this. My husband and I aren’t sure if we’ll seek a counselor for our son, we’ll just have to wait and see how the rest of our conversation goes.
It’s taken me many hours to write this message as I kept stumbling upon how my son could have felt about how things were handled and his place in this, not until I was writing this did I ever really look so closely at this – it’s always been about the anger. I also had to keep reminding myself this is about moving forward and removing fear, not reliving and dwelling in it. It’s a bad habit that needs to be broken—we all need to break this. Words cannot express our gratitude for all that has been written throughout this thread and especially for what you wrote yesterday, your words allowed us to take that first step.
Love & Blessing
A grateful mom in Texas
Thank you for the message from St. Michael and I will pass this onto my son.
Forgiveness is a process that started with understanding ALL the victims, not just my child and I know it can be achieved. To be honest I don't know if I ever thought about forgiveness in this, I was just angry about it, never thinking it needed to end but it's now time - for my son's sake.
The spiritual path has been illuminated from many light sources, like the gifted "lights" I discovered here and we know God does work in mysterious ways as all the things he was pointing out and things he put in front of me to stumble upon helped us get to this point. God is wonderful!
Thank you again for your insight and words of encouragement.
Love and Blessings
No Kookish, what happened on the steps WAS an accident - you have got to release your misconceptions. There is actually nothing to forgive - the boy WAS a boy, a young child who didn't foresee the consequences of his actions. The other boy may have been somewhat angry but he certainly did not want to hurt your son as badly as he was hurt. Did anyone ask WHY he pushed your son? He was horrified.by what happened - children do not have the capacity to understand or anticipate consequences but you are judging him as if he were an adult, fully responsible for his actions - and for those of his mother. You and the other mother must accept your role in making this situation far worse by going into battle for your sons when, if left alone without outside adult intervention, the boys would probably have made up with each other. The anger and desire for punishment you have projected at each other's families has greatly exacerbated the situation. You must realise the consequences of YOUR behaviour.
Once again you have wonderful words of wisdom for us. I see this boy strutting around thinking he's all that and it's always made me so angry. I would really love to believe this was an accident but the 5 witnesses saw the boy put his books down and shove my son with 2 hands, the teacher said she saw him pick up his books and she said "it gave her a chill". I wrote in another post I do believe the boy is affected by what he did because of how he looks away when he sees me. His guilt is huge and he can't look at me; however, I never looked at it this way. I thought my son was the only victim but this boy is always a victim. You and Blmoon have me looking at him much differently, I'd forgotten he's just a child. A very large, powerful child with anger management issue, a black belt in karate and a crazy mother.
The sad thing is how all of us have played some part in this by handing over power to this powerless woman. Not that long ago a few of us were standing around talking with a new family and they said their son was trying out for QB and someone told the new mom "if your son's any good don't let your him walk in front of these 2 cars" then described their cars. When the new mom asked why they went on about how this woman is crazy and it's just a matter of time before she does something to anyone who gets in her son's way. The sad part is alot of these women let their kids hang out with this boy and it's either because they don't want to get on the mom's bad side or because the kid is cool.
I think the new player is a great QB but it's sad to hear people concerned for this boys safety if he earns the position, my family included. And if the new boy doesn't get the position there will be all kinds of talk about what the mom did to get her son the position. Any thoughts on this, I'm just intrigued on who will get this position plus the new boy is a great kid. And if her son doesn't get the position will the player who earned the position really be in physical danger?
Another thing I've discovered that I've been doing is always looking for that mom to be behind things. Even when I asked you if you could tell why my son was on a lower team, one of the reasons is because the mom is real good friends with one of the coaches wive's. I inadvertantly gave the woman power when when I asked you the question. There are tons of reasons why my son could be on the lower team but my first thought was "what did that mom say". I have to stop this! I have to take back my power.
I agree about the boy rebelling against his mom or having a total breakdown. What's sad is we'll be around other families and "the boy" is brought up there are numerous people who believe the boy won't make it out of high school before cracking-up, especially if he isn't the starting quarterback. My husband and I are a little more careful about what we say but it's amazing how people feel about this family. Now that I understand the boy is a victim as well I will be kind when I see him, pray for him yet still stay out of his mother's way. I'm not giving her power, I'm just not adding any drama.
Thank you again for you looking and this and answering my questions. Thank you again for opening the dialog to this discovery.
Love and Blessings
from a grateful mom in Texas
I must have been writing the post to you when you responded to my post. My response was to your post from Tuesday.
I completely agree the boy didn't mean to hurt my son and probably didn't realize how far up there were on the stairwell. The boys were just "jawing" as we call it down here at each other about football players. The counselor did ask the boy why he pushed my son and he said beause he felt my son dissed the quarterback he had just gotten an autograph from over the weekend.
The biggest mistake was made by the school when they refused to do anything to the child on at the school, policy is very clear but they said their hands were tied because the mom wouldn't sign the paperwork. The police were called , we thought it was kind of silly, but we refused to press charges - he was 10 and we thought the school would handle it. They told us they would remove the boy from their class and place him with another teacher but we told them it wasn't necessary; however, for the remainder of the school year the boy was not allowed to get within 30 feet of my son. It was akward for everyone, especially the teachers.
I completely agree about my responsilility in making this worse for my son and the biggest mistake I made was being more focused on my anger than my son and I will have to live with that. And for the fact 5 years has gone by that's he's struggled with this and I didn't realize how much he hurt.
So this is where we are now looking at the situation with a fresh set of eyes and understanding. My son needs to forgive the boy and this will also be part of our discussion, that's not a probelm. Looking at him now my heart breaks for him as I understand he's a victim on a much larger scale. I know the next time I see him I will not be angry at him, I really see him in a different light. It's hard to see a child when you are looking through anger.
I feel sad for his mom and what she's medicated for and all her issues. I understand this woman's perceived power is something lot's of people have handed her, me included, this power is not real and this is something I'm taking back.
Thank you again for all your kind and helpful thoughts on this and the focus is now and will continue to be on my son and moving forward.
Love and Blessings
I wanted to thank you for pointing out something very important in all this. You mentioned about “the anger and desire for punishment”. When all this started all we wanted was RESOLUTION but due to me spending my time being angry here I am 5 years later and it’s all about PUNISHMENT! Even in my last post I was “defending” my position.
When this happened the “incident” would have been documented and the boy would’ve gotten 2 days of in school suspension, yes this is punishment and the consequence of his action. Then the counselor would be required to sit the boys independently and together and go through a process of Conflict Resolution and they would work things through and move on from this – BOTH of them, not just my son. However, when the mother refused to sign the records none of this was allowed to take place. The school felt they had to do something so they implemented the policy of not allowing this boy within 30 feet of my son, this was NOT our idea and all this did keep this situation alive until the end of the school year and beyond. I’m sure if my husband pushed to have this policy dropped they would have accommodated us but we didn’t and in the long run it hurt my son. Once again, my actions and behavior had and continue to have consequences.
Missbethsangels wrote about forgiveness and I responded “I don't know if I ever thought about forgiveness in this, I was just angry about it” and it’s the truth. I don’t know how I thought we’d ever get over this, especially my son, when there was never a resolution. I guess I felt we’d all be vindicated when the universe “punished” this child; actually I wanted the mother punished and the only way to do that is to punish the child . I’m embarrassed to say as a grown woman (48) I’ve been waiting for the universe to punish this child because I felt justice was not served-- how sad and vengeful am I.
Anger, vengeance and judgment are very strong negative emotions. FORGIVENESS AND HEALING are beautiful positive emotions! This is what needs to happen, this is what EVERYONE needs in their life. I also believe this is what the world needs right now, there are too many negative emotions floating around right now and chaos has ensued on our planet.
I hope you and your loved ones are safe.
Thank you so much
Love and Blessings
If this incident had been left between your son and his friend, they would have resolved it happily. Children have more sense than adults do and less ego and insecurity problems. But because the adults stepped in - the school authorities and the parents - it was blown up way out of proportion and became unresolvable.
This is the general problem in the world with 'small-family' mindedness. Our idea of who consititutes our family has shrunk from considering everyone as a family member to just a handful of people in our biological family. Thus it becomes easy to take sides and form an 'us versus them' mentality. It's the cause of all the conflicts in the world. Treat everyone as a member of your family and wars will disappear.