You and Love

  • Ah, love - such a constant subject on these boards - when, how, where will I find love? Does the one I love love me back? Will my love return to me after our breakup? Must I look for love or will it find me? Is he/she The One?

    But what most everyone is really asking is - "am I lovable?"

    What's your real relationship with love - and sex? Are you more concerned with an event or circumstance - engagement, marriage, parenthood, loneliness, a release from social/family pressure, acceptance, self-validation, finding security, etc. - than you are with the potential partner themselves? That speaks more to a need you have inside, rather than true love for someone. Are you comfortable with sex or is it just something you do to keep your partner happy or to prove to yourself that you are attractive or powerful? Do you actually like sex or is it something you could well do without? Is it just lust or a crush and not real love? How much is fantasy and how many of your relationships are based on reality? What are your motivations behind finding love? To want companionship with a compatible partner is fine, to desperately search for someone, anyone, to fill the void in oneself - is not healthy and demands a deep inner exploration for answers about what you are missing in yourself.

    So what is love to you and how has it treated you so far? How have you treated it? What type of person do you attract? Can you sum love up in one word - joy, friendship, physical satisfaction, emotional reassurance, completion, approval, social acceptance, family.....etc?

    What's your relationship with love?

  • And this thing about soulmates - feeling a deep bond with someone doesn't automatically mean you will be happy together or will even be together. It could mean there is a karmic debt to be paid or that you have been brought together to teach or learn a lesson. It's not always about a love relationship. And often a connection may only be felt from your side - if the other person involved doesn't feel it or recognise you as their soulmate, then it may not be the right time for you to be together, even if you are certain of your feelings. You must accept what IS in life and love, and not what MAY BE. Don't put your life on hold for a fantasy or something that may be a long time away in the distant future when you are different people. Live in the now - the present moment is all you have and should not be wasted. It is your right to be happy NOW.

  • Yet another welcome guest that doesn't seem to want to stay permanently in my life. I like the companionship of love. i like having that special someone that you can have fun with, explore life together, dream with, build a joint life with, share the ups and downs with and yes...the sex with. There is a connection that you share with someone with the physical that you don't get with a regular friendship. It's opening yourself up to someone at a different level.

    I am loveable. I know that.... and I have accepted that I am not a serial dater. I usually get involved with someone for the long haul. I guess if you are going to open up to someone, I'd prefer not to open up to many but only the few that seem to care enough to want to know. I'm not in it for the physical only, although that is a really great part of a relationship that I love. it that I don't meet people until I have "pre-judged" them to be worthy of my love? Hmmm...just like weight and money....let's get to the bottom of this so I can figure it out. LOL. Thanks for another great topic Captain.

  • AB, do you have any permanent 'residents' in your house? 🙂

  • And if I may do a crossover from the You and food thread (since, food, love and money are all linked) - it's seems that there may be times, when you overeat, that you are feeling unloved? Maybe that's different to 'unlovable'?

  • The only permanent resident in my house is weight. The least welcome of them

    I would say you are right, I know I am loveable...I do feel good about who I am. I have grown so much in my life and I know that who I am today is a really good person. So...I think you are right. There is a difference. It's not that I'm not unloveable...I feel unloved. I know I have the love of my family and friends but why is it that I feel this way? I do get on myself about my weight and if there is any negative self-talk it is definitely about weight.

    One of the things about my last relationship that I really appreciated was that my partner didn't care about my weight. He made me feel good about my body and wasn't at all negative about my weight. We both could stand to have lost some weight so for us it was another thing in common that we could both work on.

  • All questions I am considering. Never have thought about it deeply before. I just always liked the feeling of meeting that special someone who I thought was amazing and they thought i was amazing right back! I suppose in a way that means I use love and men as a mirror. If this certain man loves me then i must be pretty great.

    I have been very happy on mhy own as well though and have gone through years of being single. I'm 36 and have never been married. Perhaps it is societal pressure that is making me feel as though I need to find someone now. I do think it would be wonderful to share my life with someone. I need to figure out who i am attracting though and why and choose men for the right reasons. I always think I am. I see their wonderful qualities...they are kind, generous, intelligent, witty....I don't know though. For some reason it has not clicked yet where I meet someone with whjom I want to be long term or if I do that [person doesn't want to be with me. That will change. I just need to identify how to make that change and how to attract the type of man who is right for me and i am right for him.

    It shouldn't be so complicated i don't think but your questions make me really think about the men I have attracted into my life. Friends are a different story. No issues there but when it comes to romantic long term ones have always been like walking with a pebble in my shoe. i can do it. It's not terrible. Just sort of irritating. I'd like to find a nice comfortable shoe please.

  • AB, what part of love do you feel you are not getting from anyone - the physical part, the emotional or mental (you may feel misunderstood or that people don't love you unconditionally) or perhaps the spiritual aspect (no one has that deep connection to spirit that you feel)? If you divide love up into sections, it may be easier to sort out what you haven't been able to find in one relationship.

  • Stonyeye, what do you get from being alone that you don't get from being with someone? I know you love animals so maybe you need that sort of unconditional love from a human?

  • Definitely the physical part for sure. I think I stayed married to my ex for as long as I did because I loved having that connection with someone. Even if it was a bad connection, it was still a connection. I no longer want to just be with "anyone" if it means going through bad. In other words, it seems like I can spot the ones that will treat me like garbage a mile away and definitely avoid them. LOL.

    And...even though I think I am finally resolving this, I did feel that not everyone loved me unconditionally. I know it's not true now but I do think it had a major thing to do with it when I was younger. I thought the only way to get love was to perform. Get good grades, have a good job, have a good sized bank account, etc. That may be where this ties into the money thing. I don't feel like I meet standards in my family for how much money I have. I've never made a lot of money so therefore my things have never been to the quality of what others in my family have. Now it's like I'm just grateful for what I have because to someone living in a car or a shelter, I have it all. So, my thoughts around lack have changed, I am not lacking and just because I have new toys doesn't mean I am a better person.

    And finally, I haven't met anyone yet that has as deep of a connection that I have to spirit. Not in girlfriends, family or men. My last guy was very spiritual and accepted it much more than my ex husband ever did. He knew that spirit was very much around us and didn't discredit it because you couldn't see it. But...did he feel the way I did completely? No. He even said to me at one point that he recognized that a lot of what I believed held truth for him but some of it did seem a little far out. So, while I don't expect someone to believe at the same level I do because we ARE very different in some ways, I do want someone that shares that knowledge that being connected to spirit is very important.

  • Me and love, a challenging topic of discussion. Not so much the inherent challenges found in love relationships, but more the fact that in my 33 years of life, I've only ever been in one relationship. And that ended very recently.

    What I look for in love is companionship. That and romance. I also equate love with marriage and family, though not necessarily marriage in the literal sense. I'd be perfectly content to live as man and wife without going through the formalities. Commitment I guess.

    Growing old alone, without that someone special to share my life scares me. Having said that, being single and alone is not as bad bad as I imagined it to be. Indeed I am almost appreciative of it at this point in my life.

    Something I am currently fighting is my fear of not being able to separate fantasy from reality. I believe I know what kind of a woman is ideal for me, but there are times when I feel my "dream girl" only exists in fantasy land. So much so that it is beginning to raise doubts in the form of what if's...

    What if I fall for the wrong woman, believing her to be someone she's not. Or what if I miss/pass/block an opportunity to be with someone because I'm too caught up in my own ideals to see her for who she really is.

    So where do these fears stem from? My lack of self confidence? My low self-worth?

  • having animals is not only wanting unconditional love, but also possessing them, meaning you want to posses the unconditional love. isn't it ?

  • Do they really want to possess or own an animal? People tend to say they "have" a dog, not "own" a dog.

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  • yes you have the dog but you also posses him, because he depends on you for everything, and don't forget you maybe are a good owner, but there are plenty of bad once.

    you can be mean to your dog once a while, he is not going to leave you, I have seen people doing so, but you should better think hundred times better to be mean to your boyfreind, because it might be the end of the relationship. he leaves you.

  • AB, I just heard a 'ping' when I was reading your post - the part about not being equal spiritually to your partners. I think you are on to something there.

    You said "I thought the only way to get love was to perform." Could this tie in with your competing in weight loss competitions as well - it's a type of performance which might explain why you can't lose weight on your own.

  • PisceanHealer, it sounds it's like the fear of being hurt that bothers you and holds you back the most. That suggests you don't have the belief in your own strength and courage to cope with a bad relationship. So what if a relationship doesn't last - that doesn't mean you are a failure, just that you two both learned the lessons you were supposed to learn, grew, and moved on. It doesn't have to reflect badly on you. Perhaps you should focus more on the 'love journey' and enjoying being with someone without adding the pressure of whether or not it will work out longterm. Relax and deal with the present moment, and let the future be what it will be.

    Society tends to push this big baloney on everyone that two people have to stay together forever and have many children for the relationship to be successful. But that's not how life works - we learn different lessons and grow from encountering a variety of people. They won't all be love relationships but there is always something to learn. A good relationship is where people have fun and treat each other well and support each other and make each other happy - for as long as it lasts. Quality is much more important than quantity, and relationships are not a test of your competence or ability.

  • And speaking of myths, let's explode the one that says once you meet your soulmate, life will be just perfect. Baloney! Soulmates can be our worst enemies at times but they always teach us something.

  • Sometimes I wondered, those that are in a relationship, are they really with their soulmate, is it truly the one that they love, or they simply settled with the one that they can get.

    Did people settled for someone that they are not turly in love just because they don't want to be alone?

    Some say, there's more than one soulmate in life, on the other hand, is it possible that you just simply doesn't have a soulmate in the life term?

    Do you perfer to be with "The one" that you love the most, or with "the one" that love you the most. Of course, ideally, the one you love the most is the one who love you the most, but reality is that how many of us are really bless to have that kind of relationship?

  • I need to comment on the ownership of animals. I have cats. I do not own them. They own me. :0) I am their servant. They love me and I love them but I accept them on their terms. I do not try to force them to behave differently from their nature.

    I know many people who have settled for what they think the image of their perfect soulmate is only to find out that the image and who the person really is do not match. Have you ever met someone who was so beautiful in looks but their personality didn't match? I have met people that I thought were completely odd looking and after getting to know them, see so much beauty in them I can't imagine why I ever felt they were odd looking.

    I also think that people settle out of fear. Fear that they will not find someone else to love them, fear that they are not good enough to be loved and therefore put up with abusive relationships. That being said, Captain when you said I may not have felt the men I have dated have measured up to my spiritual connection, I have to admit that I don't see that person in a 3 piece suit, LOL. There is still a lot of stigma attached to people who have very spiritual beliefs. For instance, I have found that there are people I absolutely cannot even mention Reiki to without getting the eyes rolling and the look of "you are nuts." With that...I accept that they aren't at the same place as I am and are on their own path and that is ok too. So, I guess I am guilty of putting a image on that person too.

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