Trustworthy Taurus or Total Tool?
This is my 1st time on the forums, well other than snooping at threads and advice, so I hope I'm doing this right/giving enough info, and if not plz give me feedback
I'm completely confused over and feel almost ready for exhaustion over a recent relationship. It's actually kind of silly for me to hear myself admit that as I am usually more than 120% sure of my heart's intent and basically follow it to a tee whenever I get confused. But first some background info might help.
I'm a virgo/libra cusp, sun and mercury in libra, bday 09/23/85. Moon & Jupiter in Aquarius, and venus & mars in virgo. Houses are the 6th, 10th, and 5th respectively. His bday 04/28/1985, Sun in Taurus, Moon in Leo, Mercury & Venus in Aries, Mars in Gemini, and Jupiter in Aquarius. I do not know his houses as I'm kind of new to this whole thing.
Basically. to make a long story short I feel very torn by the intensity of this, or rather former, relationship. Things were fast and furious, then as soon as I began to believe it it was gone. Every time since we 'officially' broke things off (he said he freaked out due to emotional scars from previous relationship and our intensity which he described as feeling that he could "fall into you and vanish" based upon preferring to stay in bed vs. going to work one day...?), I seem to keep getting pulled back towards him one way or another, but usually from some msg he sends that sparks the idea of "us" and sustains hope. However, I'm really losing patience and could use some insight.
I'm going through some personal things myself as it relates to trusting men and self-worth, the scope of which is beyond the limits of this post. But I will say that these are areas that I had thought were healed, yet I found myself denying then having to accept after allowing myself to trust and fall for this guy. I tried to warn him of this but he kept on, however I really don't think he realized how genuine I was being, as I'm starting to get the impression he is far more driven by his ego's wants and needs than I in the sense that I feel more aware of hidden intentions/subconscious motivations than he is. I'm also a 4th yr honours psych student though so I'm sure that is coming into play for both good and the bad (helps me understand ppl, but also makes me seem detached and obsessive, when really I'm just sincere, passionate, and nurturing). I keep going back to him/remaining in close contact first to make sure he was ok (he was going through some stuff too), now since he's the only person I can turn to for support as related to what I mentioned above, which is tragic irony in of itself since our relationship triggered the flood of repressed emotions and trauma.
Anyway, that's why I'm lost - I so badly want to trust him, but I feel like there's a chance he could be using me for his own ego boost/to satisfy his need for nurturing and/or feeling needed. I'm not sure how much of it is in my head or how much of it is reality, I'm sure it's a combo of both. Lately we've been arguing since he says he can only ever be "just friends" but I haven't connected with anyone like I did with him, and I feel that he sends me mixed msg's (buying dinner, continuously saying he cares and gives a damn about me, etc.). But then I'll lose my tempter and start an argument (more to test his genuineness and loyalty/dedication - I know this isnt healthy and am working on this but doubt springs easily for me and he is basically commitment phobic it would seem). The last 2 fights have resulted in him completely cutting me off, deleting me from all social networking sites and chats, etc but have reconciled with me apologizing, explaining, and having to make my emotions known, thereby making myself more vulnerable to him while he insists that I should not pester him for his emotional expressions/status...
Am I being manipulated by a narcissistic/borderline personality or is this all in my head due to previous trauma and expectations? I honestly have contemplated and analyzed everything to the point of not even knowing anymore. My tarot readings havent been helping either tbh, they just keep flipping from love of my life to true/pure evil intentions lately.
Any advice, input would be appreciated.