Reading request. Please, please help!
Hello everyone, and especially the Captain, as I see you have great advice for the love entanglements.
I would appreciate a great deal if you guys can do a reading and/or shed some light somehow for me. Any help would be gratefully received, as I desperately need to move on.
I am sorry for the long story I am about to tell but maybe is relevant for a reading.
All this mess settled on on July 2006, when my bf of many years left me because "I had too many problems, I was not what I used to be, and did not give him what he need it".
I was a huge mess, had no answers for the "why"'s, waited until I healed more or less, and in May 2009 I started to see a Scorpio man that seemed like the God's gift for me.
Well, 9 months later he disappeared for 4 days, I felt hurt, etc. so I just asked him to return some items and let it at that. I crumbled inside but tried to avoid even more pain I guess. We kept, though, e-mailing but somehow went nowhere so I told him off in June, after which he still sent some messages about how he loves me and misses me but the,oh!, so harsh reality does not allow him to act on his feelings because of the "awareness of the moment" or such ... I called BS on that and stopped writing back. And then, after one other angry e-mails exchange on a situation in late August or beginning of September, the silence fell...
But he called in November. I did not take the call.
Than we exchange one-two e-mails around the New Year's Eve, from which I felt he is ok with his life now (same girlfriend as in summer, and all), yet he named me "my love" and "my one love" in the e-mail. Than I wrote him some (sort of harsh) thoughts about all this, and he has yet to replay to that. Since his last e-mail I have him in my thoughts all the time, and I am tired of it all!
I should stress out that since the split we did not see each other. Well, he moved on probably very soon after our split, so that was that. But all this time I remained stuck with my life.
All this is interfering with the other aspects of my life, and damaging whatever is left out of it. I made wrong decisions about my work too, it seems the neverending streak of stupidity or whatever befall me in 2006 is not going away.
What I need is to find a way to get out of this rut. Since July 2006 my life is an up and down roller-coaster, and more down than the down before each time.
I have a hard time letting go, I loved and I believe still love this Scorpio man, and I feel this guy is gone forever. On the other hand I feel that some miracle will happen and he will be back, yet I still know how lonely I was this whole time he spent with another.
So my questions are about why is this happening, why can't I find someone else to be with, like all normal people, and stop the tail chasing? Is it because I feel this guy is coming back? Why do I love him anyway, he is with someone else after all!
Why/how I ended up in such rut, how did both these guys ended up breaking me to pieces after they seemed so into me? Did I miss something? Am I just needy, lost and deluded?
Will I find someone else? When will that be, I am so tired of being alone and feeling the reject of life. I am tired of fighting off these feelings, I feel they'll suffocate me.
So sorry for the many questions, I feel my head or heart of both will explode of turmoil.
So please, if you can spare some time I would be so grateful to hear what you have to say! Maybe I should give BOD's, in case they are needed: mine is 06/04/71, my Scorpio ex's is 11/12(14?)/71.
Also my ex-ex's is 03/20/1970 (the one that left on 2006), I still hope I'll find some day what was all that sudden split about, although probably is useless already.
I need to find a way to make peace with the past, also to fix my carrier, and I need to know if I will find a man that will have me for me. It seems whatever I do I am better off isolated from the world, each time I try to get out and "live" life I get burned; over and over. Yet I am scared of envisioning myself alone for ever. I tried many different approaches to understand where am I at fault but the answer eludes me.
Thank you for reading and all the best to you,
You and your Scorpion ex: letting go and nonattachment (both spiritual principles) are important in this relationship. It's hard for your ex to let go of any of his old loves, because of ego and possessiveness issues, and not because he is still in love with them. And it's hard for you to let go of anyone who appears to give you what you so desperately crave - someone to love who returns your passion by adoring you. In a love affair between you, the sexual ecstasy will serve a spiritual more than a carnal purpose. Romance of a more platonic nature may also develop here with the physical element absent or quietly subdued. Your ex will remain in contact long after the affair has ended physically, because he likes to make sure that no one else has taken his place. He provided the security and stability (at least for a while) that you need and you gave him the attention and ego-gratification he craves. There was never going to be very much attachment here from his point of view - he only wants a lively and pleasure-oriented relationship, no heavy responsiblities or commitment.
You and your first ex: this relationship thrived on free-and-easy contact. Its trademark was an absence of heavy responsiblities or demands which would drag it down and make it oppressive. The principal problem would likely have been how to keep the relationship intact while allowing maximum freedom and choice. From what you have posted, it seems as if this problem was not solved. The pair of you both have an erratic streak which can manifest in involvement with others as flightiness or extreme undependability. An understanding (that obviously failed to be reached here) was that if either partner was unable to hold up their end of the relationship, then the remaining one would be ready to do double work for a while to keep things going. While it was good, this relationship was probably lively and stimulating. You are very entertaining and your ex would no doubt have been enchanted and amused by you. But physical and emotional contact between you would have had to have been kept light and easy or your anxious ex would have found it too difficult to bear - as he did.
Gotstuck, you deeply desire a committed partner yet something in you keeps attracting men who only want a light and breezy relationship. You have this need for suffering and to hang onto outworn habits, grudges, hurts, people and things that you must release in order to find permanent happiness in your life and love. Dealing effectively with relationships that aren't healthy is not about revenge but about forgiveness, both of yourself and the other person. You must face your issues and your darker side with courage and objectivity, and also recognise when you are summoning that dark inner side or your lessons in the form of a lover or friend. Hampered by defensiveness and a fear of looking foolish, you will experience quite a bit of rejection, discomfort, and misunderstanding until you embrace the opportunities for growth that come your way. You must avoid feeling victimized by this process and cultivate strategies to cope with depression. You do possess the ability to step back and detach yourself emotionally, which will help you cope and stick to your guns in charged situations. Gifted with extraordinary communicative talents, you would also do well to expand on your qualities of humour, philosophical detachment, and an awareness of the fact that the issues that preoccupy you are in fact common to us all. Only then will you find fulfillment in expressing yourself with the ease of someone who has found inner freedom from their needs. By working through your issues either alone or with a counsellor, you will come to see the benefit of admitting others to your life in a more unconditional way that does not require others to satisfy your demands. You will lose your fear of not being heard or understood and your need for others' approval. Once you learn how to disengage yourself from a nonproductive or hurtful relationship (which was what your past relationships have been teaching you), as well as from bad habits, negative psychological patterns, and from taking things so personally, you will begin to taste the fruits of living in a freer, more relaxed, and joyful manner. As you learn to let go, forgive, and lighten your spirit, you will begin to flow with life and accept its abundance, instead of fighting it.
Thank you, Captain, for your thoughtful replay.
You are perfectly right about the relationship dynamics between me and my first ex.
Me and the Scorpio ex, you are right again. But he was so very sure we will marry....., the pain is not receding, as I said.
About me, you described how I should become, but I was more or less like that before. My problem is I don't know how to get there again, I did not work to be like that before. The shrinks I have checked with the last year said my issues were over-overloading, anxiety and a demand for fairness that did not come. No depression.
Your words made me a bit uneasy though. I let people in my life unconditionally, I always did, I am not the demanding type and I am tired of suffering. Got a lot of heartache and headaches out of being unconditional. Also I do not feel any need for drama. Am I???
I know my problems are small compared to what other people go through, but people with bigger problems than mine find love and success, and mine is still to come after a sisyphean effort I put through for years....
I am afraid of getting burned again, and I still love my ex when I have no reason to love him.
I will give more thought to what you said.
So than, there is no chance of me and my Scorpio ex to be back together?
And no chance to find love until I solve my issues? I should brace up for another five years of solitude than? (just kidding, and still...):))) Please tell me!
Thank you again.
You may think you are not demanding but your post exuded neediness. You may not so much verbally ask for material things from your lovers but you definitely project a deep emotional need for love and security and permanency that they no doubt pick up. And that is not unconditional love. Unconditional love asks for nothing at all from a lover or friend. No, you have never been quite like the person I advised you to become. You were wounded quite early on in your childhood or growing up. You need to let go of all this drama and pain and move on.
I feel you have received the entire lesson from your Scorpion 'teacher' of not getting attached to those who do not want it. There is no purpose for you to get back together. Of course you will meet someone if you don't sort out your issues, but they will be the same types of uncommited lovers as previous. You didn't really love the men you have been involved with anyway - you just loved the warm feelings of security and being in a relationship they gave you for a while. You NEEDED them which is different to love. When you love and forgive yourself, you will know how to love others.
If you want to share your story and get support and help from others, I invite you to join my "Spiritual Boot Camp" thread where there are many people trying to sort through their issues and become stronger. You are not alone.
And unconditional love is about non-attachment. When you can let your lovers go from your life without heartache and clinginess, thanking and blessing them for the lessons they taught you, and knowing you don't need anyone to stay around for you to be happy, then you will be practising unconditional love.
I don't know, I need to think more about your thoughts and the whole situation, although for the last few hours only thinking I did.
Everybody needs security, everybody needs to accomplish whatever they long for. From my post you might get the felling that I am needy, but, my need is for answers, the other needs I had were perfectly reasonable: for example, wanting a baby after 6 years of sound relationship.
And the Scorpio guy might have not wanted attachment, but he surely made it hard to read that on his face and actions....
I will check the forum topic you mentioned, thank you.
And thank you once again for the time and the thought you put on replaying to my post, I really appreciate it and it did give me a new perspective on things.
I still have this feeling that the mental and soul connection I had with this last guy was something one can feel only rarely. I believe the "awareness of the moment" is the culprit in here....:)))
I wish you a good night now and I hope to talk again soon,
Just remember - when your attitude to life is the right one, everything flows smoothly.