Need your help Captain please
Dear The Captain,
I am in a bit of a conflicted situation because I think I have met my ideal man, however he is divorced and has a young child from a previous relationship and he is much younger than me (his date of birth - 16 April 1982) - by 5 years.
He is really smitten with me and has proposed marriage.I really like him a lot and can see myself falling in love with him. We have great chemistry and are very compatible, but I have never had a serious relationship before and I am somewhat vulnerable at the moment. I am going to be 34 soon (18 Feb 1977). I don't know if I can deal with him having a young child. I always expected that I would be with someone where I would be a priority in his life, but I understand that in this situation his child will always come first.
I have never had a relationship where I ever came first and have always felt like I have had to take a back seat to others. But i'm afraid to let go of him because he really cares about me and right now I need someone like that. I'm scared i may not meet anyone like him again.
Please can you shed some light on this situation and advise me because I am so confused right now?
Misha, in areas of love and marriage, this relationship can demonstrate great calm and understanding, particularly in times of need. Yet this calm may be an aspect of a curious lack of deep feeling from you. If so, your barriers Misha will not be breached and an opportunity for you to regain your lost childhood sensitivity will be denied. You will rarely be called on to do prolonged battle with your partner, a kind of conflict that might be unpleasant but which would give you a chance to forge a strong ego for yourself, which you don't have at the moment.
Thus, the kindness and attentiveness of the relationship, although immensely supportive, may in the long run not necessarily advance your personal development or that of your partner. Mainly concerned with abstract or personal concerns, you can often neglect the middle ground of human experience - your relationships with others.Your partner is particularly strong in this area and can help you to build bridges to your fellow human beings. Your big lesson is learning to be less conventional and to understand the viewpoints of others, especially when they have different customs, beliefs and lifestyles to you. You also need to learn to think more before you speak, and express yourself more diplomatically if you want to be taken seriously.
It is unlikely that you will come to trust your partner completely enough to let him fill this role in your life. You would feel more comfortable with him as a friend, colleague or acquaintance because that is less threatening to you than those who are emotionally closer to you. But it would be worth sticking with this relationship at least in the short term until you get enough support from your partner to be able to form better relationships. That is when you two will not need each other any more and you will move on to find real deep love and happiness. See this man as your teacher and allow him to show you how to take a risk and dare to fail. He will help you connect more confidently and strongly with others and break through emotional barriers and fears. Don't let your need to be an independent thinker keep you away from people like this guy who has a lot to teach you. But after that, you will find you need new challenges with other people. You will find that you really want to be your own person and this will put you at odds with your partner who likes to control and be in control. This relationship is not good for ever, just good for 'right now'.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your wise words. I do feel that way that somehow I really need him right now but not sure about the future but you have really clarified things for me.
Good luck to you!
Dear The Captain
I just wanted to let you know that unfortunately the relationship with the man i mentioned above has not quite worked out and you were right about what you said but the problem is is that I am very much in love with him and he is also although recent events have made us drift apart and we are no longer communicating.
I am very heartbroken and distraught because I had accepted his proposal, stupidly gave my heart away and was supposed to me getting married next month and now I am left with nothing.
I am very depressed and although my family and friends are telling me to move on, I am very worried that I will not meet someone else who I will be much happier with and with whom I will get married to. I am going to be 35 years old soon and would really like to be settled down now and start a family.
Is there anything positive you can see for me because I really have hit rock bottom and my hopes have been crushed.
I will look forward to hearing from you.