Please can you pour some insights in this situation ?
I am for long struggling with my situation, and have a hard time to see the truth any longer. more time goes by, harder the issue persist.
I will try to make a long story short, and if questions arises I would love to fill you in so I can get the best answer from you.
I know this man, J, that I am living with for almost 16 years. I NEVER had love for him, and i was cautious of that since in the beginning. I told him that at ALL THE TIMES. he didn't want to have the ears to hear it. He always escaped the need to know the truth, because he loved me, and wanted to
have me at no cost. I, on my side, not having another better option, felt safe under "his umbrella" in many difficult times we went through. NOT FINANCIALLY ! I have been financially
independent until I gave birth to our child.
I see myself back then, very naive, totally lonely, powerless, coming out of a traumatized childhood.
But time went on, and many things happened and we were still together. to me this time accumulated a lot of unhappiness, lost of power and depression, and as a late bloomer I am, I kind of see my self lost at my best age--so to say.
after 9 years together, one beautiful day he just saw it reasonable to marry me, so I could have paper works, and our life would be easier under the circumstances back than. I didn't think of this as something amazing at all, as a couple would feel when they decide to marry, based on loving and caring for each other. he married me for papers and not because he wanted to make me happy.
I always was waiting for that moment in life when destiny brings me to a better place. I have been totally unhappy with him for so long. Only very late, 2 years ago, I realized that I haven't lived my life I should have lived, I have been too much of a late bloomer, and he has psychologically and few times physically abused me. it's hard to articulate it but yes I had been coming from a traumatized childhood, to an abusive relationship.
4 years later, I became pregnant, by accident, and I decided to have the child, after I had aborted 3. Instinctively, even though I don't love the man, I wanted to find happiness from anything I could. At this point I kind of surrender again to the idea that lets forget the past and have a better future, maybe love comes then. I tried and pushed for making a family with someone that never knew how to make me happy, but never would leave me alone when I tried so hard for the separation. giving birth to my child made me a different person, changed my whole being. the hard times continued when I was with my baby. even harder. I have to say that up to this moment, I had been financially independent, counting the last cent, paying the rent and all my food and clothes and dues. nothing depended on him, ...because he was very stingy, and would not pay for a coffee. I don't have a marriage ring yet. yes I know! however, I was ok with that. this was the least to say of my unhappiness with him.
but my son went through major health issues, that I had to deal alone with all the stress and would never have an half on hour break per week. Got all isolated and lived in home for up to when my son was 3. He never changed a diaper of him,never spend time with him, and only continued his abusive type of relationship, and having beers at nights with friends. the only thing he did and I was thank full for was he payed all the dues for our living.
At that time I had envisioned having 2 kids, one after the other, believing that they will need each other, and i would use a short time to raise them together, and told him that. He was very laid back, not caring on that at all, but not saying NO. Just some out of space guy that you have to press the buttons very hard until your fingers maybe crack to make them respond. So any way I got pregnant
again, when my son was one, and happy to make it through all the uncertainties of my husband. But I lost the child because of the stress, depression, and embarrassed to say the physical abuse, which I can't ever forgive him for. So for me this was it. I just prayed my son's happiness on his own !! no more kids for me.
So after my son went 3, I start looking for things to get out of home. something changed inside me, shakened me. I applied to the best school in city that I dreamed all my life to go, and got accepted one year later. start going to gym, when my son was in school, I was having some free time for a coffee with friends and got connected etc..
I got to participate to many exhibitions and got some success and was happy with myself. start building my self esteem, and totally convinced in myself that 'HE IS GOING TO BE ERASED FROM MY LIFE VERY SOON.' I felt old enough to understand that I can't live under this man's "umbrella" anymore.
I found power in me and I told him that, as I used to say to him times before. I told him all I am writing down here. as always, he use to say that I am not ok mentally when I said him these staff. He use to try to convince me that I am too depressed to be logical. But I knew he was wrong I just didn't like the drama to go on for too long, and waiting for the right moment.
So after my son was 3, my husband had to be away from home for a couple of years. He came home shortly within this period of time, to go back to work again. During this time, I fell in love for some one who I noticed around all of the sudden, and it was like coming from the skies. I had fallen
like this, for my first love too. that is a something you notice, when interaction is not there and the connection is so strong. not explainable.
just at this time when my husband was away, totally accidentally, I caught him in some sexual chats with many women. I was so surprised on the chats I was reading. very pour language and low class talking. disgusting ! I was never jealous to this. On the contrary I was praying for him to build some other relationship out there and live me alone. I had all my life wanted to be left alone from him. And now even more, because I was so infatuated after X. I faced my husband, and this time I let his family members know and mine that I want a divorce for that reason, and I assume there is more then that. I even told my husband that I am in love with X, and that I don't love him. He got panicked and freaked out and start apologizing and doing all sort of things to change my mind.
I felt that destiny was helping here. So just at this moment I approach the guy, X. For the first time in my life I did this that I never ever would thought I could do. I proposed him to date me out, with one condition that he has not a girlfriend. I thank myself for being so daring and having the courage to do this even though the outcome was devastating. ...some story goes on here but it was over without starting at all.
But my confusion starts here.
After all this has happened, my husband has done a DRAMATIC CHANGE. He came apologizing to me for all he did in the past, ...he agrees that his chats were abusive and perverted, and he has psychological issues, inferiority complexes and so and such.... He has a big tummy, so he likes
attention and he found a way through chats and online communication.
he listen patiently to what I have to complain and agrees that I am right..., that he has been wrong for so long..., says that he learned so much from me and he is begging to have another child with me. He apologies to have hurt me so many times, and he accepts he was arrogant and so unaware, but he want to change it all for the better. He told me "I know I can't hold you any longer,
but I would do any thing you want me to do just to keep you," ....and that I am the best mom in the world, and I am the only person he would not be able to let go, and he has let all his guards down and he has changed totally, all for the best. And he spends time with our son and has build relationship with him, and my son is so happy with that. he has been a whole different person for about a year, and I do believe it is not a lie, he really has chosen to change, and the changes are surprising to me.
But my concern is that I can't say that i love him now, because he has changed. because I never did. at the moment, I do forgive my husband, but I can't forget the past, and I can't fall in love with him. It seems as the destiny brought us together, for him to change in a better person, and for me to find the strength to live my life. on the other hand, my son needs him. i feel stuck and back to what should I do next? he is living again soon, with work, and what comes next??
I apritiate your advices and thoughts in this! <3ME
Your husband will not change for good. As soon as he sees you have given in, he will go back to his old bad ways. He doesn't really believe he did anything wrong. You are falling into the same old trap in which you started with him. Close this chapter of your life. You have to get out and make a fresh start and find real love.
Thank you a lot Captain ! Yes most likely this is the case.
at the moment I am not ready for the big move however.
I apritiate your insight a lot.
You have been ready for the big move since you met this abusive man. What are you waiting for? Your son will just get hurt when his father goes back to his old bad ways again and he will also be learning a very bad lesson about what a man should be like. Do you want your son to be like his father?
Thank You Captain,
I am financially depending on him at the moment, because I am back to school, after taking care from home with my son. If I had a job, which I am waiting to happened one day soon this year, I am planing to make this move.
However, my question for you is what if he has really changed?
also, his son has grown up, and the time he spend with him, is more interactive and I see him happy and enjoying this relationship with him, differently from before when my son couldn't react and say much. He now sees me as the mother of his dear son, differently from before, and scared that I could leave any time.
However, so back to the question, if he changed for better, (cause I don't except him to be perfect, ) I feel guilty cause I still don't love him, and I won't be able to. so what should I do even if he has changed.
I know for sure he never ever would be able to raise his hand on me again. but there are lots of communication issues that he skips, and mostly I have noticed, specially these long times he hasn't been around, I change and become much happier and more productive in all aspects. I am totally me, and alive. I never miss his presents, and when he is around I am so apathetic and lethargic and feel just sleeping all day, and pretend like normal. I am at the point that feel guilty that can't love him, even though he is trying his best.
thank you as always for your advice!!
You are being unfair to your husband by letting him think you love him because you stay, and by using him as your financial support when you have no feelings for him. It's time for you to support yourself.
And it doesn't matter whether he changes or not, if you say you still couldn't love him either way. He may have treated you badly but you have been using him too.
I haven't been using him at all in fact since I am still confused myself and don't know if this is the right thing to do, specially when I am still recovering from a loss. to get back in time, I have been financially independent until I gave birth to my son.Then we both agreed that I take care of him in home since he had major development issues. Without me he wouldn't have been able to do a lot. there is a big story here, with a successful ending, regarding my son. then when I decide to go to school a couple of years back I hadn't decided to divorce with him yet, or better to say I wasn't really aware of this.
Then he went away for a couple of years, and I took care alone of my son, and other things. No need to divorce here while I hadn't him around and pretty busy with life, my son and school and some work from home. Only when I fell for someone else, and I caught my husband on the cheating department, and I didn't miss him, I realized that i should move things, and ask for divorce, 'LOUDLY."
He came begging and doing all those old staff again, with promises for real change. I couldn't leave cause I had no job, cause I was taking care of our son, faithfully to my husband, this was our deal. and if i left, I could loos my son, because by law I can't ask him over while I don't work. He moved all the stone to make the good guy and I am really touched by his confession of loving me still after I tell him I love some one else and I don't love him.
the biggest fear of mine is that I can't claim my son until I have a job. and I can't work at the moment. I am on my last semester of school and I will be looking for a job soon after, and then I would fully reconsider the issue of divorce. but until then I have no body to help me around and I lose my son if I leave alone and I am still not clear in my mind.
because I am still recovering from the letting go for the other guy, whom I have to see still around. I don't want to do something I will be sorry later. that is why I am asking for advices in this site because I might be wrong. things are not so black and white.
at this moment I have not apparent reason to tell him I want a divorce, except the fact that I don't love him, and he must know that. I told him few months ago. what would have changed since then. In fact I am so confused to the point that maybe I am all wrong and maybe I should make it work.
But no I am not using him at least consciously.
what I fear is that I am used to living with him, without loving him, and fear leaving in a time that he has change for better, and I am still recovering from the other case. Maybe if I give it some time I would see better and maybe I wouldn't think as now.
Thank you Captain!
I realized you do compatibly readings too. if you have some time I would love to know how compatible we are from the astrology point of view.
thank you in advanced Captain!!
Do you realise you are each both hoping the other person will change? You hope your husband will lose his cheating, abusive ways and he hopes you will come to love him. Are either of you being honest with the other about the possiblities of these things happening?
As to your compatibility, you two do have a lot in common. You both share an open and natural approach to life (does your husband like working with his hands or being out in nature?) - but together you may find stability hard to achieve. Your relationship can be pushed and pulled in opposite directions. Power plays are not at all uncommon here, giving your connection a competitive and at times combative aspect.
This combination of personalities does not suit a love affair or marriage, but there is often a mutual appreciation between you that may allow for a close friendship. Your relationship may not be based on emotional sharing and mutual need or acceptance, but you two will enjoy shared activities, especially of the adventurous, challenging or even dangerous kind. Your protectiveness can come out if your husband is seen as a troublemaker by others and you may feel sympathy for him if he is rejected by society or his family.
You are both very different in what you want from life - you 3Me want most to be in love and to be adored by someone who returns your passion, and also to use your amazing energy and enormous enthusiasm to help other people, especially the less fortunate. You also have a tendency (formed in childhood by patterns of isolation and retreat) to want to escape from every situation you find yourself in. However, your deep need for approval and your difficulty relating socially to others can hold you back from doing and getting the things you want. You have a big hole in your heart that one person might not be able to fill or even ten or a million people. Maybe it's only you who can fill the hole by giving yourself love and nurturing and looking after your own needs. Do you love and accept yourself?
Your husband wants to be right all the time and has a compulsive need for order in his life. He fears what he can't control. He also has an odd idea of love and it takes a lot to satisfy him. He thinks love should be perfect and pure and unspoiled and can become very critical and picky if he thinks his partner is not living up to his ideal vision. He may go looking for someone more 'pure' in his eyes. But the perfect partner he wants is too impossible to exist so he never finds her and this brings him much frustration. He is deep down a deeply loving and romantic person but his fantasies of love are unrealistic. There are no perfect people in the world and he shouldn't expect them to be perfect since he is certainly far from it himself.
Thank You Captain!
Yes, all you say it's soooo true!
I don't even know what is coming from my mind and what from the heart. But to tell you the truth at this moment in time I am feeling so drained, hopeless and fearfull. I am aware of the lonesomeness. I am living lonely for so long, and it scares me to separate from my Husb, while I am not a socializing person. he keeps me company and is being good to me. I have been so all my life. I know to connect with people only through the heart. and other connections are not important to me, so I choose to stay lonely. But I have start to fear it more and more it goes on. I don't know the way out it.
I noticed your threat of boost camp. it is great!!I was about to write, but for some reason the childhood memories are so dark and scary that I don't even dare to go there. And most of it is the perception of the reality. I was a very sensitive child and have noticed the difference from my brothers and sis. we had the same childhood but for me was, bad. not a good memory to want to write down.
its interesting that I wasn't aware of it until these late years.
I have been thinking I need to relocate. But I have no idea where to go.
I feel bad mostly because I accept I don't love my husband while he never told me that, and I don't dare to leave him. So yes I am using him for that. I feel in a crosroad now.
I hope you will join in the boot camp thread. Many people have had dark childhoods so don't be afraid to post yours. There is no judgement there, only support and help. It's better to get something off your chest than to keep it as a secret that just grows and grows until it seems unbearable. Bring it all out into the light so you can let it go!
The Captain's right its time to start doing whats right for yourself if he acted so ugly that way for the longest time in his life chances are he's so used to it he probably doesnt want to change. He probably just misses you and if you give in now he might not even be on the progress to changing. But my best of luck to you and hope everything works out well for you God Bless!
And just because you are afraid to look at something from your past doesn't mean it goes away - it will keep on ruining your life until you face it. You can't ignore your issues or sweep them under the carpet - they just keep growing bigger and getting worse until you deal with them.