Captain, please help me figure this out

  • I don't know whats wrong with me. When it comes to love my relationships start off well then i don't know what happens. Its somehow cut short as if by some invisible force. I found for quite a long time after a bad breakup that i had no feelings for anyone. Not even the last guy. I was totally dead inside and searched within and couldn't find a trace of emotion. Anyway at that moment i prayed and asked God to make me feel love for someone and soon after this name kept coming to my head. I wasn't aware of anyone by that name. It only clicked when i moved house and around that time there was someone of that name around me. And i fell for him really hard but i never told him how i felt. There is definitely chemistry btwn us as another guy tried to interfere and this upset him and i've seen him eyeing me out when i talk to other men. He's a sweet and sensitive guy that i really like but I don't know what will happen between us. His parents seem a bit against the idea of us two. I don't want to say too much, want to let you tell me what you read. I don't know what method you use btw. My birthdate is 17.05.77 if that helps. Not sure of his. Thanks for reading.

  • Well, you have a choice - you can risk rejection and tell him how you feel. The results will be that he either tells you he feels the same way or says he doesn't feel the same way and you will be then free to move on and find the right person. Or you can just keep waiting for something random to happen or for him to make a move which could mean your life will be on hold forever. I feel he doesn't have a clue that you like him that way, because you seem very cool on the outside. Little does he know how self-critical, unsure, and self-destructive you really are inside.

    Where does all this self-hatred and self-centredness come from? Maybe back when you were being put down as a kid (perhaps by your mother?) or from some physical/genetic attribute that makes you privately embarrassed, or maybe from not feeling masculine enough even though you're a woman. This is all probably deeply buried as you don't like to show any weakness or self-doubt. This makes others think you are fine and dandy on your own, not needing them or anyone. You can fly into some awful rages though, can't you? You need to learn the difference between healthy self-assertion and violent outbreaks of fury that harm relationships or lose you good jobs.

    You may have spent your life hiding who you really are, through shame. Interacting with others is thus very exhausting for you and you have to run away and hide for a while, only to find that the more alone you are, the worse you feel. You can be a bit of a control freak, fearing dependence and needing to be in charge and to make the big decisons, so learning how to depend on help and advice is important for you. If you are lost in the desert, asking for directions may make you nervous until you realize that none of us can get where we want to go on our own. Neediness is a weakness but needing some contact with others is not. Don't be afraid to relax and trust enough to show others who you really are.

    You do have a yearning for freedom and an aversion to structure and discipline that may interfere with your ability to commit. The biggest danger here is that you will neglect to develop any necessary expertise (especially career-wise in the natural world and also in relationships) and may retreat into a kind of self-imposed isolation where the wealth of your knowledge is squandered in obsessive frustration or missed opportunities to connect with the world. You are at heart a positive, diplomatic, sacrificing person. Learn how to be both student and teacher so that you can share what you know and enjoy the security that success and the respect of your peers will bring.

  • Hi, please help me to figure out what it is about this man. Arrrhgggh I feel like I am obsessed. Itry to let him go, and try every single day not to divert my attention to him (that doesn't work). We met 11 years ago and the chemistry between us was out of this world. On the day we met it was a very surreal occasion, I don't want to describe it through fear of sounding like a crazy fool lol. We went our seperate ways through ego choices, of I'm not good enough, the feelings csn't be mutual, I'm obsessed, this is lust, that type of thing. Years later after going through a long and hard seperation, I met him again, and to my surprise he was in the same situation, living seperate lives with current partners who pushed us both away. Both being cancerians, security and ideals are utmost on my fear list and probably his too. I had an ideal that the man I had children with would be the one. This wasn't to be so, it all fell apart, the home, the relationship, my health, my mind. I am still going through sepaeration, it has been long and gruelling, yet I can't get this man out of my mind and it is confusing me. What is this between us. He told me that when we first met the feelings were mutual, but like me, I guess he was full of self doubt, he thinks I am too beautiful for him!! I feel the same way too!!. We met last year, and the feelings were even stronger than before but now he has pushed me away again exactly the same as he did before. I told him how I felt about him, and I hurt him too because I wasn't clear in what I wanted to convey. I have learnt that my ideals were full of holes. And I have started to move in a more positive direction. I am learning to love myself again after years of emotional and mental abuse. I know what I want and what I don't want, and know that I deserve the best and have learnt not to settle for anything less than I deserve. My DOB is 2nd July 1977, his is 3rd july 1969.

  • Sorrell, please start your own thread by clicking on the "Create a new topic" button at the top right of this page and I will answer you there.

  • Wow Captain, that was so accurate.

    I apologise for the late feedback. I read it a while back but got a bit preoccupied with other things. However I have thought about everything you said and I'm afraid everything seems true. Yes i do still struggle with somethings my mother called me when younger but I know she didn't mean it. I've never been confident with my smile and always wanted braces to close the small neat gap in my front teeth which are actually quite straight and not crooked, so not a real problem at all. Just some careless comment someone made about my teeth and i lost my confidence.. But in the past few years I realised that its not bad really that i look fine when i smile. Yes i isolate myself a lot and often feel misunderstood. Sometimes i count this as bad luck eventually ruining the good friendships i make. I often feel people take a lot from me as i tend to give more and later find that i get little in return. I often find peace and clarity in being =alone as i like solitude and being in nature a lot. It isn't that I don't like certain people but as you put i find it exhausting especially when i think of past friendships that have just drained me without me benefiting much plus the betrayal along the way. I'm not naturally pessimistic. On the contrary I feel quite positive about life...but then again maybe that's just naivite. But am, trying to interact more with people despite the past.

    I don't know whether to say i hide myself, but i know that growing I was usually softspoken, almost shy and liked to keep a low profile. Part of me is still like that but i've learned to be more assertive and like to be independent cos I have to be strong for myself. So now i am known for not taking nonsense from anyone though i never go out of my way to be agressive of offend anyone. Just plain straight forward when i need to be. I have probably only lost my temper three times or maybe 4 in my whole life though, so no out burst really. The wanting to be masculine might have to do with growing up with a single mother. I often felt guilty about her life in general, still do a bit, and always tried to make things better for her. Perhaps the strength is there as a means of protecting myself and those close to me. Maybe this independence or indifference to men sort of scares them away??

    Am not too sure about the aversion to structure and discipline. I like order and want and need to attain success. Your words are something to mull over some more. I feel that's an eye opener what you said in that paragraph.

    <sigh>What a mess i seem to be then, on some level at least.

    Thanks for taking your time to give me such a detailed response. It has helped immensely to look again at certain issues.</sigh>

Log in to reply