Spiritual Boot Camp
Good for you, GJay - it means you are really getting some distance and objectivity from your issues and moving forwards.
Good for you GJAy,hope things have quietened down a bit for you, I am absolutely exhausted and do not know how mothers with kids manage to work full days and still turn up looking pristine and fully made up. I suppose they have babysitters and house cleaners. I am on a 18 hour day at the moment. Wouldn't it be great if I was also being paid for them instead of cleaning up the mess left behind by my dear husband who has gone away till next week and left an awful lot of loose ends just hanging about which I was also not informed so every day is like another slap in the face. Still they can't go on forever. Hat off to those who manage a life like this, it is not for me. One more week.
xxoff to bed
Apologies to everyone I have been away for quite a while now. It definitely did not mean I had abandoned the camp (I'd be silly to do that!) I was just too caught up with family, my aunt being critical and her passing away...it was an extremely stressful and draining time and I had no mental energy to think of anything else.
Picking up from where I left off...
Captain, the work I had started doing with my sister has been surprisingly going well. I have remained open, non-judgemental and accepting. I have opened communication channels with her as much as possible at this moment and do not reject her love anymore. I still have a lot of trouble trying to detach her from the concept of what I want her to be, there is still disappointment but I do not act on it. She feels it and is very happy about it. She is in a major process of change herself and we are beginning to relate to each other as adults more than a mother-daughter type of sisters and like I said although the journey is checkered and tough, this time I think its real and signifies a deeper change. I am thankful to you for that Captain.
I am finding it difficult to reach out to my parents in a similar way. I am extremely conscious of getting attention at home. Everytime I am down I just wish I would disappear before anyone asks me what's wrong or even notices. (They are sensitive people and since I have been so closed and demanding try hard to change their ways for making me feel comfortable.) I am not worried or wary if they will accept me as an adult or no, they already do. They do trust me to take care of myself and that I am grown up. Neither do they treat me like a child anymore. I am just extremely scared about what will come out of my mouth should I sit to talk to them. I do not want them to feel hurt and guilty at this age for being bad parents because they are not, in fact all their lives they have dedicated to only being the best parents they could. I do not know how to navigate that to re-establish our connection.
The situation at home with my husband is troubling me a lot too. Post the tragedy at home we are connecting so sensitively and beautifully like nothing was ever wrong and it is extremely painful. Because it reminds me of what used to be and what I can still have if I do what needs to be done and what I am letting go of. Neither of us seem like we want to let go ever and of course it cannot continue that way can it.
The past fifteen days something specific has been troubling me is the amount of guilt I carry. Everything I do is tied up with that, good, bad, silly, ugly. At one point it turned into intense self-loathing, a feeling I am not new to. It was so painful I was helpless against it. I just moved around all day from work to hospital to home hating myself for existing. And crying for being so despicable and so on. Why? Maybe it was all the stress of the hospital and the constant negative energy I was accumulating. But what do I do with the guilt? That does not need any reasons. Telling myself I am worth it of course doesn't help nor does taking my attention away from it to change my thoughts...
You spoke of me needing validation Captain. I mulled over it a lot and in every area of my life. It is true but how does one go about it? How do I start and where do I go from here? I have always been so lost and blank that I had to look to others approval and validation to move on. How do I start changing it? 'Knowing' doesn't come overnight right...
Having said all of it, I still feel I have made some progress. In developing patience, beginning to make myself loved, allowing myself the space I need and constantly trying to keep the 'reasons' away and remain honest and authentic. But I feel so lost and stranded and I do not know where to look for my answers. Its like a huge part of me is missing and I can't look for it unless I have it already, you know what I mean?
Saggigirl, what would you say to a friend who was carrying around all this guilt?
Do you think it is your sensitivity to guilt that makes you not want to inflict it on your parents? You think they might react to it like you would, but everyone is different. They really love you and want to support you. You have to let others help you carry your load - you don't have to do it all by yourself.
Putting a friend in my shoes, I'd explain to her first off that it wasn't her fault, the things that went wrong. I would ask her to look inside her and see all the wonderful things she stands for and what people love her for and to draw strength from them. I would probably ask her to pause everytime she gets a guilt attack and assess where its coming from and take it from there.
Yes it is that. Also, I feel they too are equally sensitive to guilt. Since the whole point of talking and sharing is not to blame them or make them realise their mistakes since I know its my work to do, accepting them the way they are and things that happened in the past, I am scared it might sound like that to them if I start talking. I am just scared of the dam bursting and leaving behind memories and words we could do without.
But I agree they do love me and want to support me. I will take it from there I guess. I am judging myself from the interactions I have had with them in the past, but I have grown up a bit since then so it may not be that bad after all.
Another thing that bogs me and well bugs me too, are my empathic abilities. Although it helps me tune into my loved ones in need and enables me to help them, I am still helpless against the negative energies I carry around with me. Those times I feel like I am not in my body and am floating around somewhere trying hard to escape. Then those days or moments pass and I feel grounded again, like now. I see everything with clarity and a lucidity that makes me believe all is fine with the world. Wisdom comes to me unbounded and so does strength and open-ness. All this while I have figured these were mood swings and bouts of depressions. Or maybe hormonal dysfuntionalities (I do have abnormally painful periods, skin and hair problems) But now I think it is more than physical. It has begun to take a toll on my will really, it is really tiring me down, like I am constantly on a battle. Is there a way to channelise my empathic abilities to really become the gift they are? How can I consistently and successfully put a distance between energies I need and don't?
Going by the general theme of what I've read from some of the topic's earlier posts, the boot camp is obviously a regular check-in (If the name wasn't a big enough suggestion). I'm not really sure of the time period, but I may as well write a log, since it would help in letting off steam and rejection, which would prevent me from, "Retreating," into that lovely, warm, cozy shell of mine. Again, sorry if I bore anyone/everyone. It's.. just. Yeah. My way of releasing things.
Yesterday, I woke up and started with the notion of trying to open up to those around me, even if just a little. I feel that making that conscious effort would eventually help it become a more natural thing, and I suppose ease me into trusting people. After doing the chores around my place and deciding whether or not to call some friends around to either meet up at mine and go out or stay in and let me cook lunch, my mother rang and said she wanted some help with a few errands around town, and that she'd pick me up. I tried my best to avoid thinking, "Oh, there's that wrench..." (Since of course it /never/ goes well, but I'm trying to be open and approach the outside) and instead thought about wit and humour I could share with her.
A few minutes before she came, there was a knock at the door, which was a door-to-door salesman for an electrical company. Since the offer was interesting, I kept talking to him, and my mother pulled up. I waved for her to come out and speak with him as well, which was fine, until we moved onto the matter of finances..
Electrical Dude: "Oh, so the bill is in Phil's name, but you pay it? Haha, what a great mother you are."
Phil: "Yep, I know. Hard to find another like her."
Mother: "He can't afford it on welfare. Darling, at least you have a job, and that's more than I can say for him."
And literally without a foot outside of my front door, I wanted to pull it back into the shell. While it was well-deserved, I don't think the salesman really needed to know.
After letting it slide and laughing it off, I asked mum about whether it was really the right time or place, let alone person, to be mentioning anything of that nature to. "What does it matter to you? What, can you say you have any pride or dignity where you are now? I've done my bit for eighteen years, it's time your dad did something. Go on, call him and tell him he's going to be paying your rent and bills from now on." Rather than letting her continue that stance, I thought I might as well try to break it.
"Yeah, well, he's not interested. And I'm going down to Sydney to see him, David and Ruth (My uncle and grandmother also with him) this weekend and help with some election campaign he's doing for the local council."
That had only made things worse. "Oh? Why does he deserve any of your time? What, he hasn't even paid a cent towards you and doesn't care about it, but you'll go and see him? So you're just here to sponge off of me and my money. Okay, fine," and I tuned out the rest of the rant up until I could only continue offering casual, ignoring, "Okay, yep, that's fantastic, brilliant, good luck, you have my blessings," and the like. Eventually, she stopped when I had to step out to take care of one of the errands for her while she double-parked.
As my teeth have been giving me some trouble, I asked if we could drop by a chemist to buy some painkillers, when she gave me another argument, ".. Just go make a booking with a dentist, I'll pay! What have I told you a thousand times before?" which sorely tested my willingness to refrain from directly quoting her previous statement hardly ten minutes before. I agreed to just make her relent, and since she found parking outside of the nearby dental office, she came in with me. While I had initiated the conversation with the receptionist involving a grant I could have been eligible for that would cover the dental bills, mum took it over, leaving me to stare out of the window with little input.
"Yeah, if he's eligible, that'd be great, because I'd be the one paying the bill anyway since he's nineteen and unemployed and I still feel responsible for him."
I looked up at the ceiling and muttered a sarcastic thanks, feeling that my limit had far been reached and surpassed. I said nothing while we were in there, but when we both left after letting mum get some other information, I told her, "Don't worry. I'm walking. Just do whatever."
She tried to drive up to me saying, "Don't act stupid. Get in," before I gave her the middle finger and yelled back into her window, "Just f*** off. Look, you don't want to be a parent? Fine. Get lost. Go to Sydney and whore wherever you want to - I really don't care. Stop whining about me taking up your freedom to 'show the world' and just do it (My mother has, in the past.. Not for money or anything of the sort, but just to rebel and show how strong she is to everyone.. and wondered why people have mixed reactions when she pridefully admits it to every Tom, Dick (A pun my soul) and Harry. I honestly do not have an opinion. Her choices are her choices)."
After she drove off after yelling back some higher degree of profanities, I just took some comfort in the safety of the shell, crying inside, but not out. I felt hungry, so I bought lunch before heading back to the house, eating it on the way. When I got back, feeling slightly better with the food in me, I called mum and decided to try and explain myself, since having acted out of a brash flip-moment, she may not have completely understood what I told her, and I was trying to be 'open'. When she picked up and I explained my side of things to her,
"I really don't care. You told me to f*** off, so me, my money, and I, are gone. Don't try to talk to me again," was all she said before she hung up. With a more kamakazie-minded destructive urge, I texted her with one of her favourite insults to me; "Fine. Just go adopt some African kid you can be proud of, then. And don't you dare lie to me again. I can see through the bull****," prior to, on an impulsive need, tossing my phone into the ground. The phone, as it is now, is a good factory how-it-is-made exhibit.
Taking a few deep breaths, I decided to try to stay out of the shell, still. It was a test, right? That or a sign, either way being extremely contradictory, which any force that may hold sway over my life knows I loathe above all else. I picked up the (house) phone, and called dad's with the intention of cancelling the trip. I didn't have the money, having paid everything I had towards rent earlier, and I just really didn't think I felt quite ready to open myself to a bunch of strangers walking by that would hardly even share a smile or glance. My grandmother answered, but couldn't make sense of what I was saying because my voice broke too often and decided to pass things along to dad, managing to understand that it was over my mother. After trying again with dad once, I took another few deep breaths before speaking as clearly as I could, "I just blew up at mum for once.. well, for the hundredth time, but I just had enough of some of the things she was saying and rather than putting her head through her windshield, I bailed. I just finished talking to her again now and threw my phone into the ground and busted it because I'm an idiot, and it's probably better I just stay here rather than go to Sydney," and he let a few token, "Look, don't worries, just leave her to me," go before we said our goodbyes and hung up. While I knew they were fake, it just gave me the minute boost I needed to pick myself up.
Mum came around later, and just told me to get into her car. While she was driving down the street, "Oh, Greg called before and you know what he said? 'Hurr, hurr, he broke his phone, and don't you go getting him another one, doesn't matter how cheap it is, he was talking to me and acting depressed, suicidal and all that he would have gotten from you,' so that's how much support you have from your father. And I read your message, and why would you think I was proud of you at all, you bum? You're not even studying a real course, and you don't even act like you want to earn anything."
The only thing I could say (Or yell) was, "Too bloody right I'm not studying a course, it's a career. If I want to wait on tables for the rest of my life, that's my choice. NOT yours. I don't care - don't even suggest anything IT. Even if I'm good at it, so what? I don't want to sit in front of a screen or at a desk all day. I like actually seeing peoples' reactions when I serve them, and so what if I don't want to be some fu**ing manager like Ramzy (My cousin who is.. the family's come-from-behind prodigy)? We all already know money isn't my biggest priority, so why don't you give it a rest?" which also brought to mind dad's lectures about working with him as an apprentice Boilermaker and failing to make ends meet in Hospitality.
The argument continued the same way, with me slowly falling back to, "Oh, sure. Right, right. Of course," noncommittal answers again until we reached where she was taking us, which was a department store... to buy me a phone. As we were browsing, what I felt like saying was, "So, despite me being a constant leech on you, your livelihood and your meaningfully found purpose to life, you still want to waste more money on me.. no, you just want to do it to be in spite of dad. What, you're not even looking at me in the eye anymore."
But, what came out was more along the lines of, ".. No, not a flip-top this time.. really..."
Afterwards, she dropped me off back at my house (The ride back was silent enough to hear a ghost breathing), where a friend and his girlfriend had just been about to knock on my door. Letting them in, I felt like extracting some small amount of pleasure out of the day, and cooked dinner (Prawn and Singapore noodle laksa, for anybody interested) for us. I only took a small portion, not feeling up to eating.
Earlier this morning, the same friend called me at ten, waking me up, to which I really considered letting the call ring out and rolling over... before reminding myself, "Open. Open sesame or something. There's a spider on your shoulder," which I brushed off closer to the window after picking up the call. He was testing an RC car that he had bought and wondered if I wanted to come over to an oval (".. Ninja, you know it's raining, right? You've looked up at the sky? The clouds? The precipitation? The gushing waterfall? Oh, look! I think Zeus is against this idea, throwing that lovely thunderbolt down as a message.") to check it out. I accepted, got dressed in a leather jacket and left. While I couldn't find the oval, he was catching a taxi back to the hobbies shop, and picked me up along the way (".. I'm looking at a huge Christian mansion, a Catholic church and a Catholic girls' school all side-by-side. What, are you trying to tell me I should be celibate? Really? You called me out here in the cold rain and spiffingly snappy thunder for that? You couldn't just get your girlfriend to try it with me again? Ohhh, snap like a thunder clap! You earned that one for calling me out! Just come get me. I don't care if you're right around the corner - I'M right around the corner, too! You're headed this way anyway.") before we went to the shop. He bought another car, (".. I think you'd better let me drive this time, Ninja. This one's a Holden. If you bust this one up, you'll have Hell to pay from all the Holden fans around here, least of all me.") which we took back to my place to test out.
We had some fun with it for a while before it broke ("... YOU BROKE A HOLDEN. THOSE THINGS ARE INVI-EXACTLY! THEY'RE INVINCIBLE, BUT YOU MANAGED! Awesome one. At least you'll make the Guinness records for, "Most Motorsport Fans pi**ed off in under two minutes.") and we went back to the shop to order the parts needed for it to be repaired, laughing with shop attendants who shook their heads.
Later, we had some self-service Chinese food for lunch, (".. Spoon and fork, damnit. I can't use tongs! What - really! I can't! I'll do a better job of getting the food on the plate rather than the floor with a spoon and fork.. I'm not showing-off!") picked up his girlfriend from her school and came back again to my place for a while before heading off to the movies.
Writing this out has helped. At least, I've laughed thinking over today and reminding myself that maybe of all the things that aren't all bad. While it would be nice to hear, "Good on you! I hope you enjoy it!" from just one person that isn't lying in their eyes, expression, body language or just vibe itself in terms of my chosen vocation, it can wait. What I want now is to just see how many people's days' I can brighten up with small acts; Holding a door open, offering a light joke or jibe when the situation allows, even if that's what I have always done. I'm starting to get the idea that while I'm out of the shell, the losses hurt that much more, but the minor victories count for doubly as much.
So, thank you, Captain. Not that I'm evicting myself just yet (You'll have to do that when you're sick of reading my inanely large, self-narrative posts), but I can say that with the last two days, I have a concept of what you meant when you said, "Leaving the real world means you never enjoy any real rewards - just an absence of feeling and trouble. But trouble is how we learn and grow. You are trying to escape the 'school' of life but are missing out on its benefits and lessons. If you don't participate, you can never learn how to relate to other people in a normal way."
And, perhaps I've proven to myself that it was a sign from a 'higher power', if not a freak coincidence. Much pondering on this is needed, that the Padawan must.
Just saying hello.
Hi Captain and Bootcampers,
I'm still hanging in there and here here's todays DailyOm which I thoght was so cool.
Love and Light GJay
Not Everybody Will Like You
When someone doesn’t like you, rather than taking it personally we can release the need for approval and move on.
It is not necessarily a pleasant experience, but there will be times in our lives when we come across people who do not like us. As we know, like attracts like, so usually when they don’t like us it is because they are not like us. Rather than taking it personally, we can let them be who they are, accepting that each of us is allowed to have different perspectives and opinions. When we give others that freedom, we claim it for ourselves as well, releasing ourselves from the need for their approval so we can devote our energy toward more rewarding pursuits.
While approval from others is a nice feeling, when we come to depend on it we may lose our way on our own path. There are those who will not like us no matter what we do, but that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with us. Each of us has our own filters built from our experiences over time. They may see in us something that is merely a projection of their understanding, but we have no control over the interpretations of others. The best we can do is to hope that the role we play in the script of their lives is helpful to them, and follow our own inner guidance with integrity.
As we reap the benefits of walking our perfect paths, we grow to appreciate the feeling of fully being ourselves. The need to have everyone like us will be replaced by the exhilaration of discovering that we are attracting like-minded individuals into our lives—people who like us because they understand and appreciate the truth of who we are. We free ourselves from trying to twist into shapes that will fit the spaces provided by others’ limited understanding and gain a new sense of freedom, allowing us to expand into becoming exactly who we’re meant to be. And in doing what we know to be right for us, we show others that they can do it too. Cocreating our lives with the universe and its energy of pure potential, we transcend limitations and empower ourselves to shine our unique light, fully and freely.
Funny GJay, I was pondering this thought this afternoon after picking the kids up from school and wondering why it was so hard to get a smile out of some of the mums. I just thought well we are all different and so be it. It is such a good feeling not doubting myself when somebody does not turn out to be a friend or it just doesn't click.
Kusumura what a story. One of Captain's rules here is that you don't have ever to say sorry for anything you write. Maybe some of the Mums here with older kids can give you a perspective of a mom, my kids are all to small for that, but i reckon your mum loves you very much and just does not know how to get through your shell and so uses hard words in her own helplessness. Not saying that it is right, but she will know she has messed up and she wants to make it better but you are making it very hard for her by having that shell up. Time to start making your own bucks, get a schooling in something you really like and move on up in to the world of adulthood. Making your own bucks being important because it will relieve you of one of the points of friction. As for your Dad, well I have had a warped relationship with my dad too, not to the extent that you have, but we get on very well now because I chose to forgive him, forgive myself, and let go of the past.
Good luck and enjoy the little things in life. There is a thread here somewhere called -What are you thankful for - maybe you should get in to the habit of posting one thing there every day. Life is too much fun to miss and to be wasted fighting stupid battles of will.
Saggigirl, the first thing empaths must learn to do is to tell their own feelings from the rest of the world's. One way to do that is when you are feeling any negativity and there are people around you, you move away to see if the feelings disappear. That way you can tell if it was other people affecting you. Watch out for sudden shifts in your mood or emotions which can indicate someone's else's feelings. You probably absorb your family's negativity when you are with them which may make you afraid of making them feel any more of it.
Wearing crystals such as rose quartz or selenite will absorb any negativity in your surroundings. Taking a shower or going for a swim also removes any negativity that clings to you. You can visualize a shower of golden light pouring down over you when you are out in public and feel negative vibes.
I think that some people become empaths as a way to stay safe in their world. If you know what those around you are feeling, then you know how to adjust what you say and do to make them comfortable so that they are safer people to be around, both emotionally and physically. An empath can be a real chameleon, shifting tone of voice, conversation styles, body posture, and choice of tactics and actions to help the people that are around them to feel more at ease. The problem with this is that they often lose track of what is actually authentic and true for themselves. Doing or saying something that will make someone else angry or sad is uncomfortable for an empath, so that they often avoid confrontation in order to avoid feeling other people's uncomfortable emotions. It is easy for them to lose track of the fact that they themselves are feeling uncomfortable. Try to make periods of time alone with yourself to stay in touch with the real you.
Kusumura, you are caught up in your family situation by being dependent on support from your mother and father. You really can't have it both ways - you can't live out of your shell but also cling to your parents for support and help. Either you have to accept their help gratefully and gracefully or you leave your cosy but 'controlled by others' shell and make your own way in the world. At the moment you are biting the manipulative hand that feeds you and I can see why your parents get angry and confused about it. You take their financial help but snap at them like a grumpy puppy when they tug at your leash. As long as you depend on them, they 'own' you, rightly or wrongly. You have to choose one way to live because trying to have both is driving you crazy and not helping you leave your shell.
Paddi Hi!!!! Yes the not doubting yourself is such a liberating feeling, I love it when it happens! Wish it happened more often ha........Hope you are feeling better. I read your post earlier on your thread. I just can't imagine with the kids and everything, but ya know my thinking is enjoy them as much as you can. Easier said than done! Can't wait to get caught up a bit more so I can spend a day here catching up!
Kusumura, This is a great place to get out your story, The Captain is amazing with her insight, she will tell it like it is and thats what you need if you really want to find you! And like Paddi said no "sorrys" I got into it with my adult son last week, well I didn't get into it I walked away while he was yelling at me, he lives nxt door, so I walked away knowing he's got frustrations going on and has to get it out somehow, but I don't know how the heck to deal with an adult yelling at me, and I don't want to get p * * s* d too. So I don't know...he has issue's with me for sure, which I will eventually have to deal with. So you are not alone. We all have some interesting stories going on here.
Love and Light GJay
Gjay, it's good that you walked away while your son was yelling - he has to learn that is no way to deal with his problems. But you must go back and talk with him once he has calmed down to discuss rationally and peacefully what is bothering him. If he gets angry again, walk away again until he gets it.
Captain thanks, yes I do need to have a talk with him, I love him but we butt heads like crazy, so I have to make sure I'm good and calm and centered so I can stay calm and rational. I love the walk away again and again until he gets it, I tend to get sucked into the chaos and he enjoys that, but I don't , it actually makes me feel ill afterwards, so I'm really not willing to do that anymore.
Wow Captain, I just read where you wrote about people becoming empaths as a way to stay safe, just struck such a chord with me. I always felt the air (vibe) when I would walk in the door after school or anytime when I was a kid. And as I got older I recognized the chamelon aspect of myself most of the time around older relatives. I've also read about people being empaths on here, and wondered about myself, and I do require quite a bit of time to myself, but I would have never connected all those dots. Its amazing how reading other stories and feedback can be so enlightening. I can tell the vibe in a room almost instantly when I walk in, especially that certain vibe like my mom has. About 2 yrs ago I noticed when ever I talked to my step dad on the phone I would just be totally drained after. I of course thought it was me, and the fact that I was on speakerphone with both my mom and stepdad. If I talked to my mom only it was fine, but when ever I talked to my step dad I would just be completely drained and have to go lay down. I'm better now as I'm running my energy and protecting a bit, and it may be that he's better now too. hmm
LOL I use that tactic when my 8 year old gets in a tantrum mode. She gets pretty physical so I have taught her sisters to do the same. When she calms down we have a good cuddle and chat. It is all about choosing your battles right. And Kusumuru Captain is right your parents own you as long as they pay your bills so you should either accept and enjoy the luxury while it lasts or go solo and see what life throws at you.
Jinx GJay. Again.
Ha Paddi too funny!!
We have to be soul sisters or something GJay. Amazing.
I was just thinking we are riding the same wave for sure Paddi!
I have these same kind of synchronisties with my sister-in-law, its really amazing, how we'll be going through so many of the same issues at the same time and we'll call each other at the same time to discuss the same problem. We are always blown away still! We first noticced it about the first five times I seen my sister-in-law we had almost the same clothes on and they weren't the same normal clothes every one else was wearing, like at her wedding to my brother-in-law, I wore a dress I bought in Hawaii, and I'd only met her 2 times before, she had on the exact dress just a different color, and her wedding was in Arizona. So do you Paddi and Captain think it could be that we are from the same soul group or ??? Its really cool whatever it is!!