Spiritual Boot Camp
I have told her I forgive her, I don't think she believes me as I think she cannot forgive herself. sometimes I feel that she fears me & does not trust me. Eventually & reluctantly, he admitted to me, but he said he was not well, and lots of other excuses.
Yes Liblovey, your mother cannot forgive herslef for being the weak person she was and still thinks she is. Ask her if there is anything she can do for you to try and even the debt - it might make her feel better about herself if she can pay for what she did. Maybe she could even volunteer for a charity or help someone else to give her a greater sense of self-worth?
Ahhh I have a date tomorrow! I'm so nervous. Can you see how it goes Captain?
His birthday is May 12, 1986
This is for general discussion, AriesMama. If you want a personal reading, please post your own thread.
Just saying hello!
HI folks, just zooming in to say hi to you all and to wish you a happy weekend, I am fine, hubby is away for 2 weeks visiting his Dad in Indonesia and I got the company, 2 new projects, a massive proofreading job, 4 kids and a house to look after but hey it is better than sitting around with nothing to do. And I discovered that I can distance heal and I suddenly have started knowing that things are going to happen before they do, well I always had that but now it is really strong. Must be because I cleared out some old psycho junk and made room for the new. And I spoke to my brother yesterday and he told me he is doing counselling as a result of his cancer treatment because he has been suffering depression and turning to drink and he is now dealing with his past. I am so happy for him.
Hope you are all well too, Gjay I send you hugs and hope you are coping a bit with your load.
Hi Paddi and Captain and Bootcampers I'm just getting a bit of rest now..yay. been up til 2am last 3 days working, course I kind of take quite a bit of me time in the am, and I can get more done late without interuptions, so its actually been good. Tired now tho and resting aaahhhh. Paddi it sounds like you really have your hands full! I think its good sometimes to get a load and then we can really see how much we can manage well :), for me it kind of boosts my esteem a bit anyway. And I'm getting some fairly good insight on what I really want and don't want to do. Paddi your distance healing just reminded me of this really cool little burst of energy I had the other day I think Wed. it was about the same time jilnaangel was sending reiki, I got the clear impression a lot of us very soon would be advancing in spiritual age...like I could see you Paddi and I jumping to about 14..it was cool and I had just been praying for everyone through my heart, I'm getting that same exciting kind of energy right now just thinking about it. What do you guys think?? Lots of Love and Light to everyone too GJay
Me too Gjay I have been up in the wee hours because it is the only time I get to finish stuff off and say hello to myself. Not healthy but my body has adapted to the rhythm. And I have 4 excellent alarm clocks so I can never oversleep ( my kids). It took me a week to find the weak link in the company and now I have to deal with it.
Advancing in spirit age? Wow a big jump. I prefer to do one on one healing and will start my reiki master soon I thimk, it just amazes me how distance healing works and the results it produces.
xkids calling they are no. 1 today
Having said all the above and how it is great to be busy, today there was no pressure at all except for the usual mummy I want stuff and I swear my whole body is just so exhausted, you don't notice it while the adrenalin is flowing but when you slow down you fall down. Or at least I did/still am. Lucky for me the kids ahve been great and went to bed without any squeaks or trouble so me too. Off for a warm bath followed by a book. A book. What is that?
And hubby is not so happy in INdonesia, he has been brought back to where his father grew up and he has met family her never knew existed and today he visited his grandparents' grave and he said he is emotionally shattered and needs a lot of time to deal with it all. Poor thing. I hope it will have a posiive effect on him.
x off to ge tthe bath ready
Paddifluff recommended this thread to me.. after a little investigation about the thread's nature (With the name, "Boot Camp," I expected something a little more.. stricter, jah?), I suppose it would prove beneficial to perhaps sign myself up.
The topic Paddifluff refered me from; http://www.tarot.com/forum/topic.php?id=13042&replies=3#post-202906
Welcome, Kusumura, you can start by sharing what your childhood and growing up was like for you.
Copy paste your text Kusumura it'll save you sweat and tears (again)
That's why I linked to it in my original post on this thread as a means to do so while avoiding spam, but that's more about my relationship with my parents than childhood. Which I'm still going through my childhood really, so why not just a progress report or something of the sort? Besides, I like writing anyway. One of the few constructive past-times I have is role-playing. As such, I'm sorry if this seems a little long-winded.
Childhood... Right. Moving around a lot almost from day one. I guess I was too eager to make friends, which meant most of the other kiddies felt put-off by me and I made myself the black sheep. Most of my experiences growing up are based around social events, or lack thereof anyway; I've never been a sporty, "Bring home the trophy, Kid-o!" type, nor one to actively find any sort of competition to do with intelligence. Why bother? I know what I know, and I'm satisfied with that. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I'm better than someone, when they know things I probably would never be able to understand. Sitting on the sidelines and watching the world develop and go by is mainly where I've fit into things, and I like it there. My side bench is warm and has a comfortable fuzzy cover on it.
My first school (Which I was only at for a week anyway) had an excursion with the whole, "Peer-buddy," type of thing to a dinosaur exhibition that was on in Darling Harbor at the time. I remember the sixth-grader I got paired up with laughing to one of his friends about how clingy I was right in front of me. I didn't really bother saying anything, since at the time, I didn't know what clingy was, but I got the vibe that he wasn't that interested in being my friend and dodged him anyway. By the same token, nobody else in that class was either, but I think that was mostly because I was the oddball that couldn't sit still for more than two seconds and always had my hand up to answer nearly every question the teacher asked.
It just continued that way, since I missed getting into any, "Click," groups, but I actually liked it that way since I could just watch while everyone else did their.. sometimes questionably stupid things. After a few years of moving around some number of times (By the end of school, I had about.. 62 different ones under my belt) I just became labelled as the, "Strange/Odd/Queer/Weird guy," and naturally had attention brought to me because of it. I took the teasing and what not for a while before, and I'll laugh about it now, I spoke up in a /very/ formal and commanding tone, "Listen. I think it's really obvious you don't like me, and I don't really care for you either. Why don't we call it even if I sit here and eat my lunch in silence and you go over there to do whatever you were doing before you came over here to seemingly mess me up and get a rise, and I have to tell you, it isn't working. You're just slowing down the chewing of my sandwich," which just meant I got pounded into the ground for being snarky, of course. Repeatedly everyday after that until it was time to change schools again... and the cycle began again. I didn't take it lying down when there was a breakdown in diplomacy, though, up until about sixth grade when teachers actually started severely warning me away from violence (Apparently because when there are more than seven boys who are stronger, faster and in general with greater physical and athletic attributes, saying, "No!" works wonders to fend them off whereas beating them a herring doesn't). I still remember crying after each fight, though, since I didn't understand why they'd want to just hurt someone, let alone that I'd done it to them.
So, I entered high school with the ironically vehement understanding that I was not to stand-up for myself, and showing off any mental prowess that people seemed to find in me was a stupid thing to do since it'd get me thrown out of a window by the other kiddies... Or else I'd bore them to death while engaging the teacher with question after question, questioning the question (Not just, "Miss, what makes colours any different from each other?" but "Sir, if colours are just a reflection of rejected light energy, wouldn't that mean that everything that has colour absorbs the energy from all the colours they /do not/ appear as? So shouldn't that also mean that everything has a charge that we could utilise for something..?") that gave the answer.
Of course, along came girls eventually. Previously, I had always wondered, "Alright. I get the idea behind sex and all, but seriously? Why all the hype?" and I still haven't broken that train of thought, or at least, nobody has given me any reason to yet.
The one girl I dated within my age (I was 15, she was also the same) scared the absolute Hell out of me. I had fawned for a little over a year and a half, wondering whether it'd work out, how things could turn out, when the right moment to pop, "Oh, uhm.. Hey! Are you free to.. uhm. Go to the movies or something on Friday?" would be. Eventually, I felt that it was about time I manned up and did it.. so I did. I regretted it almost five minutes later when I nearly turned a corner on her talking to a friend, ".. He was just so nervous and pathetic, I couldn't say no! He is cute but..." I left it there and walked away quietly. Another ten minutes later, she came over to kiss me (Romantic, "Ohhhh, James," moment of kiss) which I avoided by kissing her on the cheek instead, laughing shyly before composing myself enough to walk away again. As far as I knew, those things were meant to wait at least until after the first date! Mind you, she had informed me a little later that the date would be a double date, since she was trying to hook up two of our friends (As the pretense went.. It wasn't hard to read between the lines and get the message that she didn't want to be alone with me, despite all publicised should-be intimate acts to the contrary that I had dodged, evaded and avoided with keen reflexes)
During the date, I was almost willing to leave my skin behind if it meant I could get out of the cinema. I don't know how far over she had to crane her neck (I already /knew/ what I was meant to do.. But I didn't really want her that damn close! Who knows what she would have tried?) before I finally rose to the hint and put my arm around her. I saw her try to move closer to kiss me and I kept my face transfixed towards the screen. I just couldn't do it. Not with one of my best friends a seat over, hearing him lightly snicker and give me a nudge, with a girl I couldn't stand in the seat next to him giggling. It just felt way too personal of a thing to be showing them, and I desperately wanted out. Nothing happened, aside from me giving the girl I was with a brief kiss on her head and whispering, "Look.. I just can't. Sorry."
After the date, she /again/ tried to kiss me, this time right outside of the movies with a few random people idly hanging by. I firmly grabbed her by the shoulders, pushed her away, and gave her a kiss on the cheek (Moving one hand to her cheek, making sure her lips stayed away from mine!) before leaving with a, "Yeah, okay. Uhm.. see you later?"
I didn't see her again for two weeks, due to school holidays. When schooling recommenced, I tried to get her alone to explain things to her, that I just wanted to go a lot slower than she had apparently anticipated, but every time I got close, she found a friend, or someone grabbed her away. This went on for a week until she, and four friends, cornered me (One of them being the next guy of whom had an interest in her... not quite a happy-chappy) and called it off. While I was hurt, greatly, I just nodded as confidently as I could and admitted that it would be the best option.
I did make a minor promise to myself to try quicker the next time I found someone I was interested in, and forget my inhibitions even if just a little. After six months of, "Liking," someone else (I was now sixteen), somebody who shared some of their problems with me, which I didn't mind talking about, I decided to try asking them.. only, the very day before I had planned to ask her, someone else had beaten me to the punch! Two months later, they split, and the girl had told me, "Yeah. I'm just not going to try dating friends again for a while," which just left me feeling a little crushed, but I neither agreed nor disagreed with the idea. After a little while when she seemed to open up again to the idea of a relationship, I asked her out. "Look, Phil. I'm sorry. You're a really great guy, and a really great friend, but that's all you'll ever be. Just a friend."
I retreated away from her after that, and she from me, since things were fairly awkward. I was happy to leave it at the rejection and just continue being friends, but the vibe wasn't there with her.
After this, I moved out of home (Or, well, my mother had finally decided she'd had enough and kicked me to the street.. for about an hour before deciding that we just couldn't live together and it'd be better if she paid for another place for me (Some might think it lucky, some might think it absolutely atrocious. Hold off on the opinions, I already know them all)) and I felt a little better on my own. I didn't need to share my head-space involuntarily, and doing as I pleased as long as I went to school was a great benefit.
A short while later, I was talking to a woman twenty years my senior about things and she didn't mind being there for me. I was also there for her, letting her confide her relationship problems with me and offering simplistic advice; "Well.. if you don't want to be with him, then why stay with him?" which of course just isn't how things work in the real world.
What happened after a month or so, though, was that she began to express.. more romantic inclinations (I would like to note here that in Australia, it is legal, as sixteen is the age of consent). I shied away at first, before I reminded myself that most of my problems seemed to come from holding back so... I just let it happen. We were only involved twice, and I know now that she was only using me as an escape mechanism from her boyfriend at the time. Even if knowing that stings, the experience did enlighten me.
"Is that it? That's what all you damn idiots are going for? THAT? Of all things? Someone, just shoot me now," is the opinion I still have of the act, regardless of any experience I have or have not gained. While I remember almost everyone I've been with, (One I asked to become more seriously involved with.. "Phil, listen. You're a fantastic fuck, but boyfriend material? It's not happening.") I do not see the entire point of saving such a thing until marriage, nor why it's almost hardwired into me to seek it out, no matter how much restraint and willpower I might have.
Shortly after, my mother and I had yet another argument and I decided I'd be better off living with my father.. after two years of that, I decided I'd be better off living alone again. After failing to find any sort of employment that could pay the rent and bills, I decided I'd need my mother's help again. And that is where I am now. With the last few years, I've tried out a few things, to get a feeling for where I'd like to head. At the moment, I've settled for Silver-Service waiting, which I am doing a certificate for in college. I really only have one friend, and a few in Sydney (Which I moved out of) that are quite used to not seeing me for years and picking things up where they were left off if we happen to bump into each other when I'm there for whatever reason.
So, that concludes the childhood progress report. Yep. Not much more to add.
Kusumura, you are an old soul in a young body. You're not here to "mess around", you have a job to do and you just want to get on with it. Nonetheless, while you are here, try to relax and enjoy the experiences. I get the impression your life's purpose will become very clear early in your life. This will fulfil you, but don't forget the human connection
Kusumura/Phil, this explains a lot of what I picked up in your photo reading. You have retreateed from life and being hurt so that you have fallen so far back from the human race that you have no chance of winning or even getting a placing. I don't believe in competition either but you can't deny your right to a place in society. So you don't get hurt in your comfortable shell but you don't succeed or get loved, either. Is that a fair trade? I don't think so.
Everyone takes their hard knocks - it's part of life learning. The real trick is to foster strength and courage in yourself so that you can withstand the hard knocks rather than let them hold you back. Escapism is not a problem solver. Leaving the real world means you never enjoy any real rewards - just an absence of feeling and trouble. But trouble is how we learn and grow. You are trying to escape the 'school' of life but are missing out on its benefits and lessons. If you don't participate, you can never learn how to relate to other people in a normal way. Your whole life - including family life - has been about resolving conflict - your experiences can help others. It's your choice - you can either keep on rejecting life or you can master it with confidence and skill.
@PisceanHealer: Quite interesting. I have heard that before, oddly enough as almost a direct quote.
@Captain: Not to turn things into too deep of a counselling session, but I have also heard that before (The second paragraph's pertaining to escapism.. I do not think a counselor would be able to legally offer spiritual advice!) the once or twice I've sought out professional counselling, but left it lie after a few appointments since I didn't feel that anything was really being solved. I know I need to step out and break my own shell so to speak, but I don't feel that I will ever completely leave it. While I don't reach out to other people for fear of getting stung too often, I do to people I can feel more comfortable around.
On the family conflicts, a majority of my family just think I'm the strange wildchild on my mother's side (Again - the adults tolerate me for the sake of posterity I'm assuming, and because I can talk on the same level as them, while my cousins that are my age outright can't stand me and find me repulsive, no matter how I try to approach them.. to the point where I'm just not bothered anymore), not being afraid to drink, flirt, engage in questionable activities with I and the buddies of my stupid little buddies, and go, "Wherever the night shall roam," in terms of the opposite gender, and on my father's side I'm far too sheltered because I don't do so nearly enough to meet their standards, and almost willingly alienate myself to avoid their incessant prodding on why I don't when there isn't a reason.. I just don't want to.
Conflict resolution is just a means to an end, but if families are meant to be the people who stand by you even if you're a complete and polar emotional/mental/attitude swing in relation to them, why should it be needed? There are bigger things to be getting along with other than bickering and whining about who is doing what where, when, how and why.
Thank you both, I appreciate your thoughts.
Phil, if you never completely leave your shell, then you can't expect to have a full experience of life. You can choose life or not but you have to realise what you are giving up by not participating. A shell will protect you from being hurt but it will not allow success or love or anything good to enter, either. So stay there on your comfortable seat behind the grandstand and watch everyone else play the 'game' but you can't complain if love doesn't find you hidden away there in the shadows. Only fear lives in the shadows. And fear only attracts those who are equally as fearful or those who prey on the fearful. Ask yourself - is your life safe or is it empty?
Well, that is indeed what I'll work on, then. Thank you, Captain.
Hi Captain and Bootcampers
I just love these Daily Om's and this one instantly made me think of Boot Camp here
I have been going through such a busy time recently, which seems so goofy, but thats a different issue : ) anyway I have been able to look upon the experience, well as an experience rather than as the victim of a circumstance, which is how I may have dealt with all of this had I not gone through this Boot Camp with you Captain and everyone. Its like I can kind of look upon the experience rather than drowning in it now some how...its hard for me to describe....... even the more difficult aspects I can be an observer and see the lesson or?? and some things are actually pretty amusing that not so long ago may have sent me into a depression. The incidents now can be kind of exciting that I got to see something that I want to get rid of or change-behaviors and things. Not that I still don't get bogged down and resort to my old ways of creatively blinding myself, but its been actually kind of fun seeing it at times and I just want to thank you very much Captain and everyone because every single person here has helped me to become more myself, to become more real. I Love Spiritual Boot Camp!
Love and Light GJay
Taking the Risk
Permission to Be Real
People who keep it real present themselves as they truly are, the good parts and the parts most of us would rather hide.
Most of us are familiar with the idea of keeping it real and have an intuitive sense about what that means. People who keep it real don’t hide behind a mask to keep themselves safe from their fear of how they might be perceived. They don’t present a false self in order to appear more perfect, more powerful, or more independent. People who keep it real present themselves as they truly are, the good parts and the parts most of us would rather hide, sharing their full selves with the people who are lucky enough to know them.
Being real in this way is not an easy thing to do as we live in a culture that often shows us images of physical and material perfection. As a result, we all want to look younger, thinner, wealthier, and more successful. We are rewarded externally when we succeed at this masquerade, but people who are real remind us that, internally, we suffer. Whenever we feel that who we are is not enough and that we need to be bigger, better, or more exciting, we send a message to ourselves that we are not enough. Meanwhile, people who are not trying to be something more than they are walk into a room and bring a feeling of ease, humor, and warmth with them. They acknowledge their wrinkles and laugh at their personal eccentricities without putting themselves down.
People like this inspire us to let go of our own defenses and relax for a moment in the truth of who we really are. In their presence, we feel safe enough to take off our masks and experience the freedom of not hiding behind a barrier. Those of us who were lucky enough to have a parent who was able to keep it real may find it easier to be that way ourselves. The rest of us may have to work a little harder to let go of our pretenses and share the beauty and humor of our real selves. Our reward for taking such a risk is that as we do, we will attract and inspire others, giving them the permission to be real too.