Spiritual Boot Camp
Captain i don't understand what you mean Tooter
AngelaVictoria, well done!
I want everyone who has a breakthrough or accomplishment like that to reward themselves somehow - with a treat like an icecream or chocolate or a bubble bath, and say out loud "Well done, me, hurrah!"
MysticalEnergy said "I am thinking that the more I identify situations and click over, the more calm and rational I become hence leaving fears, needs and doubts behind!?"
GJay, I am feeling you never really bonded with your parents and may even to this day be searching for your 'real' ones. Do you feel that in yourself? That perhaps your relationships are about bonding with people you feel are more like you or who truly care for you?
Del, love has to flow both ways. When the younger you was closed off and protecting himself from being hurt by other people, nothing could get at him - not even other people's love and support. But now I can tell you are more open to love and support because you attracted all these good people to help you when you needed it after the accident. When you were going through your hard times as an alcoholic, there was no one to help you because you did not attract it, were closed off to help deep down, even though consciously you may have been asking for it.
The most important thing to realise when looking back into your childhood is that any bad things that happened were NOT YOUR FAULT. You have to get to a point where you don't take the past mistreatment by those around you at the time personally. You did not cause the adults to behave as they did. You were not unlovable or bad - your caretakers simply weren't up to the job and were acting out their own issues and problems - you just got caught in the crossfire. If they separated or fought, it was not your fault. No matter what they told you - that you were naughty or stupid or usless or ugly or whatever - it was NOT TRUE. They were in such pain that they wanted to make everyone else feel it, too.
Exactly.. And everything changes with each generation of parenting... Our parents parents were, most likely, much less comfortable expressing true feelings and seeking help when they were hurting. It was something they had to "control" to be seen as a solid individual because influences of the government and the separateness of countries and boundaries and any title you could put somebody under were so prevalent and noted. So issues trickle down, usually regarding how one is raised, and then a new cycle of parenting is started. But, as chaotic as the current time is/will be, right now we all have the ability to accept help, love, and change from within. To grow and be human beings... Not with a mindset held back by the past, but to be open to the present and future. Not to hold the most value in a mini-computer/cell phone or an expensive accessory or possession... but to truly value life.
I realize that many people already realize these things... But for those who don't get time or energy to think of these points, reading something like this might inspire more rants and tangents
It's not time, but forgiveness - of yourself as well as others - that is the greatest healer.
wow, OK, i do carry alot of negativity thinking of my childhood and teenage years. Dad was in the RAF and we travelled the UK and Europe from my being 3 months to 14 years old. I went to 13 different schools and it became harder for me to maintain friendships the older i became, even to this day, am 44 now. The longest time we stayed in one place was Malta for 3 years, during this period i was sexually abused by locals but never told my parents until i was 27 on the advice of a counsellor, this was a big mistake as it partly ripped apart my relationship with my father completely, we havnt spoken for nearly 20 years now.
At the time of the abuse i think i was grateful of the male attention as my father was never one for cuddling, and his term of endearment for me was to sing the song 'Hey fatty bum bum' at me which was a reggae song in 1975 by Carl Malcolm, great song but as an 8 year old i would rather have had a cuddle than what i felt was a 'dig' at my body, which i took very seriously as Mum was the image of Lulu then and now. Hence, fat.thin fat thin and yoyo dieting ever since.
I think my whole family is fantastic, they are all successful my only brother 4 years younger is a family man with his own business, yet i see him making the same mistakes with his eldest as Dad did with me. I worshipped my whole family back than and tirelessy sought my fathers attention just for a cuddle, but even if i ate an apple sitting next to him he would become annoyed with me and leave the room or ask me to eat quietly, which is'nt easy with an apple.!!
At that time in Malta, i caught my mother having sex with the man that was abusing me, i am still not sure i felt about that. When i was 27 and told my parents about my experiences in Malta, my Dad threw up and got drunk and we never spoke again. My mum, told me that at the time it was happening to me, it was also happening to my brother who told them. She told me that the RAF boys including my Dad all got together and beat these people up pretty badly, they were told by there commanders not to report it as it would be detrimental to the relationship between the two countries, and so were encouraged to seek revenge in others ways with their commanders consent. She also told me that when i saw her having sex with the same man who was abusing me, it was because my Dad had asked her to, so that he could watch. Needless to say my body image and my sex life have been major upheavals for me since i was 8 years old. My brother was my only solace, at that age we were very close and i taught him to read, my schooling in Malta was marred by a teacher who disliked me because i sometimes slept through her classes, i have no idea why i did this but do remember that it was a difficult relationship.
I dont feel that anybody took the time to get to know me back then and yet i was a very adventurous child, i learned to drive a jeep over the fields in Malta, by the man that was abusing me, he taught me to fish, strengthened my swimming abilities and taught me to cook. Having carried it inside me for all those years before opening up to a counsellor, i dont think i ever thought about it and got used to being first born second best, not worth a cuddle or one on one time, and i have no bad feeling for my brother in that respect, i think i thought that we should both be treated the same, both get the time, cuddles and encouragement. Maybe i was a very young feminist ! lol
I am not sure what exactley changed me, but i never became a fully fledged saggi, even though my heart ached for adventure. Since Dad left the RAF, i saw both my parents start to drink heavily and tear each other apart to the point of violence Dad on Mum, she is 5'2 he is 6'0. I was married at 21 and divorced at 22 never married again although have been asked twice i just couldnt do it. Upon my divorce at 22 i decided to travel on my own. Firstley around the UK, various jobs which i couldnt settle in and once had mastered the job i became bored, then i went to Ireland for 6 years from Belfast to Donegal to Mayo. I took a hitch hiking trip throughout Europe in the early 90's, after i had been made redundant, which so far is the best highlight of my life, apart from my Grandmother whom i lost at age 9 and still grieve for her to this day. She gave me the cuddles i craved for.
My maternal grandmother didnt really care for me, but maternal grandfather doted on me however he was an alcoholic. I never really knew my paternal grandfather although i am told he was a very stand up man and thought the world of me, but my paternal grandmother was an angel to me, i am crying now as i miss her so much.
I have been stalked by 2 men in the last 5 years, whereupon i become so scared i never left the house for a whole year. You can imagine the size of me and didnt look after myself, i wanted to become so ugly that nobody would find me attractive. I succeeded!
I do feel negatively about that time and it does affect me even now, to the extent that i find it very difficult to maintain any kind of relationship or commit to any kind of relationship, i dont feel i have truely experienced being in love, and when i look in a mirror i dont see me i see a pair of blue eyes. As in this text is my life you will notice i jump from one thing to another and not often making sense.
I want so badly to find me and be true to her before its too late. Thankyou for letting me get all that of my chest x
Yes I really think this is going to be good therapy! It was really fun thinking back to childhood, then the emotions come in, and I even seen a couple of things I hadn't thought of before. I was really tired after writing too, kind of a good tired Love and Light! GJay
Hmm bonding with parents.
I don't see how I couldn't have, but thats why I'm here cause I know there's things I can't see ha.
My mom has just always looked after me like a mother eagle guarding the nest or something. Even tho she could be incredibly mean spirited, and still can, she has mellowed with age considerably, I always kind of knew it was just her issues and truely had nothing to do with me. So I didn't really take it to heart. Even today I talk to her almost daily. If I'm busy and don't talk to her for a couple of days she starts calling every phone she can think of, then she starts calling everyone else to find me and I'm 52 yrs old! We live about 1500 miles apart and have a great long distance relationship, but when we spend too much time together in person I start irritating her when I move and breath and stuff . It never bothered me until after my daughter passed away and I started noticing things like how every breath and movement my daughter made was just the most amazing thing I had ever encountered, how could my mom be so mean to her kids. So I tried asking her and she just hangs up, or if you're in person she just has to leave. I just had to realize we are different and show our love different. My mom is pretty psychic and used to be pretty open to discussion but there has always been the fact that she was partly raised by a very strict babtist grandmother, she used to go to church regularly, her sister is even a pastor so I don't open up too much about this realm of myself to that side of my family, and when I did when I was younger it was not very welcomed, especially the dreams that came true...forgot to tell one of the most memorable dreams I had that came true when I was about 9, my brothers still talk about it, our dog had broke his leg and had a cast on and I had a dream we were all eating pizza and the dog got his cast hooked on the table and it came off. Iwas really worried when I woke up and told everybody, then a couple of nights later it happened just like the dream and every one freaked out
My Dad.....When I turned 18 I went and to live with him, which really p****d my mom off! He was total opposite of my mom, I could do what ever I wanted and could talk to him about what ever too. Until I had children I thought he was the coolest, then realized you just can't let your kids do anything they want. But the greatest gift my dad gave to me was unconditional listening. It was the weirdest thing we seemed to get along just fine all those years. My brother had some major abandonment issues with my dad, but me I felt I could see all sides and felt he did what he had to do, and did it as well as he could. Well when my dad got sick and was dying, all these issues came up in me! It was like a damn bursting, but he let me spill everything to him and did his best to explain everything to me. I would feel so guilty after talking to him cause I knew he was sick and I was not going to bring anything too emotional up and then I see him or talk on the phone and it would just come out, but he was amazing letting me vent like that. I also told him all my spiritual experiences as they happened and surpisingly when I met all the hopice people he had already told them all about me and my experiences. I was even shown his death date 3 weeks before he died so I was able to be with him just before he passed.
I was also incredibly close to my maternal grandmother, don't think a entire month went by my whole life with out talking to her, and her and my grandpa even came to visit me no matter where in the country I lived. When they retired I only lived 200 miles from them so they were at my house every couple of months painting, decorating my house, cleaning my yard, and we would go to all the tourist spots, and the best was just sitting around the kitchen table, my grandmother would say get over here and sit down I want to look at your face, it was so cool. My aunts and uncles are pretty darn great too, we visit all the time. My paternal grandparents died before I was born, and all my aunts and uncles on my dad's side are gone too but I did know them all and they were very cool all raised on a ranch, true cowboys and girls.
Friends.....I have a variety depending on how I met them, but the ones I click with the most are the ones that I can tell my spiritual experiences to and they don't feel the need to get me to church for an exercism. I just have assumed in this life the people you can be your true 100% self with are the ones you are the most comfy with. Some people just don't have the ability to accept everything and thats ok with me at this point.
Thanks for this Captain its incredibly theraputic and has also allowed me to see things in a different light a bit too. Love and Light to you!!
I read out loud the letter to my dad & it felt good to take the opportunity to release my feelings. I have also done this to my deceased husband. I have tried MANY times to talk to my mom about how her actions effect me & have asked her to stop criticizing me & sharing her negative thoughts with me. She chooses not to listen. I limit my interaction with her. Before I do interact with her, I picture a force shield around me to help block her negativity & remind myself this is not my truth. I ask the Universe to help me find something loving about her & that helps. Afterwards I say" I forgive you for not being the mom I needed & want you to be & release her w lovingkindness to the Universe" this helps but I do need to continue to not let her words pierce me & effect my self esteem I'm better but not done.
As far as separating out my wishes from my parents, its odd but that began after my husband died. Its as if that terrible time began a rebirth for me & I began to develop my spiritual side as well as rediscover me
Thanks so much for your guidance....this is very difficult but worth it
thank you ~ for acknowledging that my thoughts where on the right path and if such situations come up I will put it absolutely into pratice.
thank you for your note. Dad having listened was freeing as we have closed the chapters on the past between us and both moved on into the Here and Now. Regarding my mother, I believe you are correct as I am not sure she truly wants to face much of her past but instead keeps lashing out at me whereas I have learned it is really herself she is lashing out on not me.
thank you for sharing you are not alone and I can relate as I am 52 years old and according to my mother "still have not proven myself toward her". Well her truth is her reality.
I have come to a place of understanding that the more she lashes out at me the more clearly I see she is really lashing out onto herself. Now I am not angry at her anymore but just sad that at 70 yrs old she is in such emotional pain, so I always wish her well and send her love.
Thanks for the tip of protecting oneself before getting on the phone!
Hey Gjay I may try it, i will think about writing tommorow lovely wonderful stories here
This was brilliant idea Captain, Love and light Bee Xx
thank you for sharing and from your note it sounds like you were always a free spirited child showing also as you drew other children to you to read to them on the other hand I feel that this "spirit" made some adults around you very uncomfortable as they removed you from certain situations almost as if trying to suppress your spirit. It also sounds like you always knew you were special but received mixed messages by the adults around you. I would be confused by feeling this true spirit yet authority adults around one would act/say or portray differently. Keep tapping into that free spirit.
Be safe ~
Jeez, AngelBoots, you do realise that your parents and the other adults in Malta were seriously screwed up, don't you? Their behaviour towards each other and you was really psychologically unbalanced. No wonder you have problems now - they destroyed your self-esteem and made you feel unlovable. Your parents were not fantastic at all - they were not at all good role models for you and your brother. You don't know how to receive love and affection from men because neither your father or the man who abused you knew a healthy way to give it to you. Ideas of love and sex are all mixed up in you, through no fault of your own.
And since you were not taught what real love was, you need to find out what it is by giving it to yourself, by treating yourself well and being kinder to your body. You don't need extra weight to protect yourself - your intuition can tell you who to trust and who is not reliable. But as long as the old record from childhood plays in your head of love = abuse and neglect, you will continue to abuse and neglect your own self. Time to play a whole new theme - "I am a good person and I deserve love that is healthy and unconditional. I start by showing it to myself. When I feel loved by myself, then others will love me properly too."
Your exercise is to do something very loving and kind to yourself - not giving yourself food because that is more of an abuse, but maybe buying yourself a little gift or doing something you have always wanted to do but never feel you deserved it.
GJay, I feel your bond with your parents was more from duty than love. I think it was your grandparents you bonded with from love. Do you find that in the present you tend to do things because you think you SHOULD do them rather than because you WANT to?