Spiritual Boot Camp
Captain for the first time i feel i can give back love that has so freely give to me this is were that comes from, Captain knows a lot of my story and a few of the others here .
One of the sayings i talk a lot about is how can you solve a problem if you do not know what it stems from . I was a drunk for over 20 years and i was always searching for some thing or some one to make me whole .
I rob i stole there wasn't much i didn't do, to my knowledge i didn't kill anyone but there was times i almost did and left them for dead and i thank God for the things i didn't do and at 26 years old i made a decision to not be responsible for bring any more children into this world after what i had put mine threw because i knew i could not stop i went into my first treatment center at 26 and in AA is where i met the first one who said i was one of them and i would know the others when i met them .
I had no ideal what he was talking about but some how i knew there was some thing there i didn't know what . But after 5 treatment centers and the last one the councilor telling the whole group that Delbert had all the answers about staying sober but he just could not stay with it . So when i left that treatment center i didn't have a lot of hope and knowing all i could do was die a drunk because i had tried every thing .
I said a prayer to what ever God or if there was a God he seemed beyond my reach or how could he help me after all the bad things i had done all the women i had hurt and my children after what they had seen and heard and threw that prayer of being willing to do what ever it took to not hurt anymore and to be the man i had always wanted to be and for the first time i felt different and the only way i can explain it is it was truth from my Heart .
It meant the old self had to die ,the way i had been doing things did not work and i have been baptized several times that never worked because i never got to the root of the problem .Just because i quit doing something did not solve the problem i had to get down to causes and conditions and i had to be willing to die to live and what i mean by that is self manifested in various ways had got me to that point . But before i could start this journey of discovering the problems of self i had to find a power greater than myself to believe in cause nothing in this world had been able to fix me not even me as bad as i wanted to i didnt have the power to over come self .
But i could not denie that there had to be something all these other people believed in God or something but i had tried all that and nothing worked then one night i was looking at the stars on a clear night and i started to thinking something had to make these things possible so for the first time i believed in something other than myself .
That was my beginning of my relationship with Father and all i had ever wanted was to be Loved and to Love it has been the driving force in me as long as i can remember .
Now comes the job of finding it but first i had to get rid of the things that was blocking that pure Love and be able to live from the heart sounds easy it is its the willing to do what ever it takes to get there that is hard because we have to go where to the places we do anything to avoid and that is looking at the true self being honest with self .
When we start looking at self and being honest with self it don't feel good and most will say this is bull or say i was right, to keep from looking at the truth. Most will say your the one with the problem to keep from looking at self have you ever had a fight with another and the kids crying from it you are a thief you stole pressious loving time from you children and instilled fear in them have you ever noticed how they come and grab your leg .And a lot of the answers come from the word (WHY) why do i feel this way why dont he love me why is he leaving me why do my kids do this to me why cant i get a job why cant i keep one why cant i get ahead what am i going to do how am i going to feed my kids how am i going to pay the rent.
If you notice fear is in every one of them and the opposite of fear is faith so before i can ever start combating fear i have to have some faith to start and to acquire a little bit of faith the first thing i have to do is believe that there is a power greater than myself . My journey started with just asking to stay sober that day and i called it power the days mounted up into weeks and then years and now its been 27 years and to day i call him Father and Mother is Mother Earth today my kids talk to me and love me all my grand kids have never seen me drink or drunk but my kids have never forgot but they have forgiven .
Am i perfect no and i never will be no human can be a lot think they are but that is their ego and pride and if i say i don't make mistakes i am a liar.Every problem i have in my life is a direct result of my actions and a lot will say i did not cause this or its your problem .
I will give a example of it ,i was going to a meeting one night i was speaking there and i knew what time i was suppose to be there i kept dilly dallying around and was running late now i am raising my kids by myself so finances were very tight so i got out on the interstate and the speed limit was 55 and i thought if i speed up to 65 i can probably get there own time at this point its just a thought no harm done but then i put that thought into action by pushing down on the gas peddle and speeding up to 65 and the next action i do is look in the mirror and around me to see if the is a police man because i know i am breaking the law or doing wrong and by putting that thought into action i created fear and if i had got a ticket i probably would of blamed the cop and cuss him and now i have to pay a fine with money i did not have for this so i have to do with out something and i am mad because i can not do this or that and then i take it out on the kids or who ever is around and it can go on and on and out of that one thought i took action and look at all the problems it created and to get to the root of the problem i should of just left early .
This is how one action created many problems but getting the ticket wasn't the problem or the thought the problem was i was afraid of what they might think of me if i was late so i made a sacrifice which hurt me and my kids based own a fear of what others think of me. To day when i am spiritually fit nothing harms me . How do i stay spiritually fit ? I try to stay in truth, truth of self and Love .
Out of Love comes truth and what is truth ? Truth is knowledge of self and when we have that pure Love and living from the heart is living in truth and knowledge of the all the beginning and the end and this is what the Ascension and the awakening is about bringing us back to the truth of who and what we are and living in it our true selves .
In truth if i hate you i hate my self didn't the same power that created me created you we might look different you might be female or black or green or blue but your part of me and me of you .
I have been blessed to be able to experience just a little bit of the Love that is coming and what we are waking up to, the things i have experienced and felt is and was that Love i had been searching for all my life and some of you know that it is with Andrea but even as grand as that is its a small part of the Love that Father wants us to experience so my calling has gone to a higher level where its going i don't know i do know it has to do with guiding and rebuilding and Andrea will be by my side and as Captain has said its not about money or relationships or material things or jobs them will all be took care of when we get rid of the fears that are blocking us off from the sunlight of the spirit or the light if you prefer and if you think this old sober drunk hasn't changed this is what i feel for Andrea and she feels for me but her job is in the higher realms and mine is here and i know we will be together soon . Love Freely Given I Give To You Tooter
Oh and I hope everyone will feel free to help everyone else here too.
And yes I hope you will take your time to think about the questions I pose and it's fine if you don't answer straight away.
Tonib, this young man is an invited guest into your home and he should be the one who makes adjustments for you, not vice versa. Ask him politely to play his music at a time that is least disturbing and more convenient for all or else he can play out of the house. Being nice to everyone else shouldn't mean you neglect your own needs and rights.
AngelaVictoria, have you ever told your father and brother how they made you feel when you were younger? If you still have an issue with this, you must tell them.
Shadowmist, deathbed promises are all well and good, but I feel people shouldn't use their deaths to make people do what they want, especially if it is not good for them or other people. A person's last minutes in the human body should be about love, not control. I'm sure your father has now gained more insight and understands that he put too much on you and that you cannot live other people's lives for them. It's neither healthy nor helpful for you or them. If your family keeps coming to you for help, they will always remain weak and dependent and unable to support themselves. This is a time to be cruel in order to be kind. Tell him you love them but that you have to live your own life and so do they. Set them free ( and yourself). Running to big sister to solve all their problems keeps them stuck in the past as little helpless children. Let them grow up by assuming repsonsibility for their own lives. Tell them you have felt unappreciated by them in the past, and that you know however it's not right to keep on helping them when they must learn to help themselves.
Amused59, check your expectations of yourself and make sure they are not your parents' expectations but your own self-created ones. Write a letter to your father and read it aloud (he will hear). And tell your mother too how her criticisms make you feel.
In fact I would suggest that everyone writes a letter to their siblings or parents or old friends - whoever made you feel bad when you were young and either read it aloud if they have passed or read it over the phone or in person to them if they are still around. Don't send it by post or email or text, as you want to get feedback and not have your words ignored.
For anyone who comes in later, feel free to join in and work your way through the exercises or suggestions I have made. You will always be listened to and answered at whatever stage of this boot camp you are.
Delbert, have you found the love and understanding you have been searching for all your life?
Yes i have its me my other half but you know sometimes i still catch myself going out of my way to try and prove myself i wish i could tell you i don't have fear or doubts that come in but i do and every time i react to them i get screw up .
I want to share a story i went to work yesterday after missing 2 days because of the weather and looking at the weather i knew it was going to continue and get worse so i needed to work if i could get in so i did anyway after i got to work i was waiting to catch ride down to the shop after coming in the gate and the truck was coming i started out there and hit ice and fell own my back i thought i broke it anyway the guy didn't see me so he left and i couldn't move and i couldn't get my phone to work i guess it was so cold -3 i was cold but someone did come up and he called our boss and i mean no time there were 20 people there even my general foreman took off his colt to help keep me warm they didn't want to move me until they got me own a board and taped down my neck i was own the ice for about a hour this was after we had gotten 20 inches of snow and ice here anyway the ambulance got there and the lady in the ambulance even took off her gloves to try and warm my hands they were really hurting i was so cold and it took about 8 men to pick me up they didn't want to take a chance of drooping me because the ice was so bad there and even at the hospital they were real nice and even the vice president of chevron called to see how i was doing and what makes this story so neat and Captain knows last October i was working for the same company and the same chevron but at a different plant and town and i really needed that job and at 3 weeks i pulled a mussel and they told me if you cant do the job we cant use you 3 times they told me that 3 supervisors and even when i went to file for unemployment they had put in i quit so i had to fight to get unemployment but i prayed about it and told Father that wasn't right and ask his will not mine be done .
Now this is the same companies different town a year later and when my general foreman brought my truck home yesterday i said i hope this don't cause me to loose my job he said you don't worry about your job you just worry about getting better so you can come back to work and if you need anything you let us know . Now how great is that i was thinking today if that kind of compassion and sincerity was shown around the world there wouldn't be any wars or hunger or hate . Tooter
Thank you Captain! I have come so far and my views of so much has changed these last months yet there is still this "missing link" or that push over that wall ~ I seem to be anticipating. Somehow I still seem to have 2 different "stories" going on within me. Urgh! I have wonderful enlightening moments at times and then there are those that I allow to keep cirling in my head and sadly enough are not getting me anywhere.
For all those "newbies" to the Captain ~ you are in wonderful hands and company.
Del, the difference wasn't in the company - it was in you. You trusted and allowed people to care for you instead of fearing that you would never find any love or support anywhere.
My childhood ~ I was always on guard of been left alone or when alone wondering if my mother would come back. As she so often left and one never knew if or when she'd come back. As an adult I recognize that in 99% of my relationships including my marriage and even my child's extending to jobs I held ~ I would leave, walk out, walk away as I anticipated been hurt by them therefore I walked away first, thinking I was protecting myself before they could hurt me.
Oh how wrong I was ~ so very wrong. I always thought I was easy going only to find out I am very complex, not easy to read at all covering up a lot by been cynnical and mysterious.
Thank you for letting me share.
MysticalEnergy, your battle is between your God side and your human side. Sometimes we allow our human side to think it knows where to lead us and what to do but it's our God side (our inner wisdom and intuition) we really must follow. Try getting a feel for the two different sides (the God part is the calm and rational aspect and the human part is full of fears, needs, and doubts) and you will be able to tell in which various situations your God side or your human side is trying to lead you. Never let the human side (that young child-like part of us all) take charge. When you feel fearful or needy or desperate, be aware that is your weak human side and click straight over into your all-powerful God side to guide you. Say out loud: "I am God and I will not let petty human concerns upset me and drive me off-course." If you do this every time you encounter problems or stress, the God side will take over quicker each time. For me, my God awareness is on my left - when I focus through my left eye, it triggers my God-ness to take over.
I wrote a letter to my brother and my father. I thanked my brother for everything he had taught me (a lot!) and let him know he did good for all the stuff that happened to get us in the positions we were in. He felt good about it
With the letter I wrote my dad, I first explained that the job of being a single parent couldn't have been easy. I then explained some of the difficulties I dealt with and thought processes I was accustom to. There wasn't any blame involved, I couldn't do that. But I ended it with all the things I found difficult were my motivations in the end. All the feelings I had to figure out were the problems I had to solve and overcome... The independence I gained would not have happened if it weren't for the lessons I learned from how I was raised.
I know some of it must have made him feel a bit uncomfortable, but after I finished reading it, he was moved and happy and offered to make me flank steak.
I'll remember tonight as a productive one!
Thank you, Captain.
The Captain, thank you for articulating the 2 different sides ~
(the God part is the calm and rational aspect and the human part is full of fears, needs, and doubts) as I didn't truly see it that way before but now it makes absolute sense. Now I know what to do when those uncomfotable moments come up ~ click straight over into my all-powerful God side.
I am thinking that the more I identify situations and click over, the more calm and rational I become hence leaving fears, needs and doubts behind!?
My childhood seemed pretty darn wonderful when I was living it..................
We lived in the mountains in a small town about 30 miles as the crow flies from MT Shasta in California. One of my first memories is waking up at at my mom and Dad's (I even called them by their proper names) anyway when I woke up I went looking for materials to make me and my doll some clothes, then I was called into their room and they were laughing at how funny and cute I was looking for material, thread and scissors. I didn't understand what was so funny, it just seemed natural to me as it seems I didn't have anything there with me. Maybe it was our first night in the new house they had built? I hadn't thought of that until just now..hmm Anyway this has been a weird memory for me, making me wonder if I could have been adopted or is this when I came into my current body? Of course I never thought of this until I was much older like 35 I guess I had to be less than 2 yrs cause my brother wasn't born yet. It also seems weird that I could remember this that young. Another early memory (which is why I wonder if I came into my body at that time) a dream of standing over all of these huge holes and kind of like my guardian was there letting me know I had to choose one and it seemed that's when I would be entering this life. I wasn't too happy about going but felt or was kind of told it was something I had to do to learn more and everything would be ok. My parents were married for 7 yrs before I came along, even thought they couldn't have children. I was also the first girl in the family so everyone seemed to just love me and I got to spend lots of time with my aunts and grandmother too. I was crazy about my mom and dad and remember taking my carousel down to the driveway so I could wait for my dad to come home from work. 2 yrs after me, my brother was born. My mom and dad were divorced before my brother was barely a year old, which I also find kind of weird and never thought of until way later like 35, evidently it takes me awhile to put 2 and 2 together :). I remember my mom leaving one evening and it just was a weird feeling, she said she was going to work. They split shortly after that. I do believe I felt abandoned by my dad and remember having a dream when I was around 3 yrs old and I seen him coming down the driveway at my grandmothers with a package and telling me how much he loved me. A couple of days later he showed up at my grandmothers with a new dress for me, I only got to see him for a minute in the driveway and I didn't see him for a couple of years after that. That's the first dream I had that came true. The reason for the split I figured out (many years later of course) my mom had got pregnant by another man. My mom and dad were enemies after that.... for ever. Well shortly thereafter we moved in with my step dad and I had a new little brother.
I never knew there was much going on, the only trauma I recall which was not really bad is the night my mom went out, and my dad disappearing. It seems weird to write it out as it seems more sad than it really was. We were really happy with my step dad he is a great guy and still married to my mom and it just seemed great growing up with knowing I had 2 dads. I just overall remember enjoying everyone and every little thing and exploring. I would go out every morning and check out every new blade of grass and look for flowers and fairies, I really swear I seen them and once we had a pile of fresh cut lumber and I could always find them there right on top. Later when I was about 4 yrs we moved to a bigger town and there was still woods but I couldn't find the fairies there and have not seen them since. I actually completely forgot about them until just a few years ago. The feeling I get when I try to remember how I felt when I was real young was like an observer more than a participant, that may have a bit to do with having 2 little brothers to help take care of. I just could not get enough of checking things out, I really still love to go exploring probably more than anything.
Another prominent memory for me is my first and only day at kindergarten. It was recess, all these kids just aimlessly wondering around this tree in the middle of a fenced grass area, I rounded them up, sat them under the tree and read them my book. I don't know if I could really read, but I thought I could. Well my mom drove up while I still had all the kids gathered around, she looked very upset and I left school early and never got to come back. I think I have been scared of my mom and interaction since then, its really odd, I just discovered this a couple of months ago, man am I a slow learner . So we moved shortly after that, to an even bigger town and my first month or so in 1st grade I was scared to talk to anyone, probably didn't want to be sent home. My mom was always really paranoid someone was going to take me, and I had to get rides to and from school for quite some time. My poor mom definitely had some issues, major paranoia, she still does but I love her and we have a good relationship as long as its kept light, talking to her about real serious issues is not really something I do because she can be very volatile. I swear she is the person that taught me most about energy cause you could tell if she was in a bad mood as soon as you walked in the door way before you ever seen her.
So I have always been very content to be alone, however I've always known I wasn't alone and even talked to "I don't know who" some spirits and I still say we instead of I quite often. At dusk I would like to go sit in a tree and watch the stars show up. But I don't think I have ever really felt like these parents were my true parents, I feel like I have always known I came from out there because of the dream. So at the time even thou I had some parental issues I didn't think it really bothered me. My brothers and I would go door to door even in our new neighborhoods, gather all the kids outside and decide what games to play almost every day after school. When I was about 11 I had a major event where I was told I would have to learn about all this "out there", and I think that freaked me out a bit, maybe shut me down a bit. I really can't think of much in my teen years at all other than rebellion. We also moved just after that to a really really big city and it was a tough adjustment.
Great job with your letters to your brother and your dad.
See it as a gift to them (even if they don't see it that way) but most of all as a gift of freedom for yourself. As my dad was very receptive to my letter on the other hand my mother won't hear of anything but hangs up the phone on me. Therefore I learned not to take it personally that she doesn't listen as if one is giving and the other is not receptive; that we ourselves have no control over.
As the saying goes "It takes 2 to Tango".
Wonderful and thank you for sharing!
Thank you, ME :] I had always wanted to tell my dad about the things I went through... It felt like since the "issue" was in the past, he overlooked its relevance... My prologue made him a bit more receptive, I think. I couldn't blame him for anything because I understand, now, that no parent can be perfect. And MANY people have so many more childhood issues than that.
I'm really sorry to hear about your mother, but you're right... It's definitely not you controlling the receptive end. She seems scared of the truth and I don't think she wants to see herself from a point of view that matters so much but would reflect on hurt she's caused to somebody so important.
I'm glad your dad was that open to the letter! That had to have felt good...