Captain: Should I wait or move on from my relationship?

  • Captain

    Need some advice on a relationship. Not sure if this is the correct forum to ask. Met a man in Feb last year, started as friends, and began dating mid April. We get along extremely well, have similar interests, talk freely about everything, trust each other and both share a strong spiritually bond. Problem is we could never take it past a certain point. He pulls back. He's has been back & forth in a toxic relationship 7 years now, twice since we started datiing, and he's has a hard time letting it go. She is an alcoholic & code addict. I broke it off for a second time 3 weeks ago and I'm heartsick. He got back with his ex. We have so much good together and there is so much promise for us. But this back and forth with his ex is driving me away. He has been honest all along in that he has a hard time letting go of her completely. My head say's to let it go, but my gut says to give him time. Feel my emotions may be clouding my instincts. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I'm in a lot of pain right now. Thanks.

  • His DOB is 7/30/63 and mine is 12/27/61. Thank you.

  • This combination of powerful personalities would be expected to be quite heavy but it is often the opposite, having a very threatrical quality - you two act out your fantasies by projecting them onto each other. The relationship has a tendency to flee from life's pressing realities so that you two may turn to drug use of drink or other escapist substances or activities. Yet the matchup is not without ambition and in fact both of you have a great deal of drive.There is a commitment to style in whatever you do. Combined with your desire to fulfill your fantasies, this produces a sometimes excessive flamboyance. You two will probably ruffle quite a few feathers. Your relationship is very unstable, and underlines your tendency towards eccentricity.

    A love affair can be exciting but remarkably cool. A certain objectivity takes the place of deep passion and emotional exploration. The strong bursts of energy that usually emanate from your personalities when you are apart somehow misses the mark when you are together, making the relationship almost ineffectual at times. Yet marriage can work here if you both make yourselves and each other uphold your mutual responsiblities. More often than not however, you will be playful with each other and rather lazy when it comes to doing the chores.

    The truth is your friend wants to feel important and admired even more than he wants to be loved. Anyone gives him all the attention he wants and seems to need him will win his loyalty. He has a fear of being ignored, passed over, not needed or forgotten and his ex fills that 'hole' in him because he feels she needs him to keep her on track. You are much more strong-willed and independent - in fact, you have a deep fear of losing your independence and stability. You don't make your friend feel needed enough - I'm not sure you can. A drug-addicted alcoholic is definitely more needy than you. Maybe you can appeal to your friend for your emotional needs? More difficult than that problem, your friend also needs to feel he is in control of everything and everyone in his life but you are a person who won't be controlled. Can you see why you two are not a good fit?.

  • Thank you so much for your response and insight. I totally get his need to feel important and admired. I was hoping that his needs could be fulfilled in a healthier way/relationship. Control would definitely be an issue for me. I never got a chance to see that side of him. Funny thing, I was in a 30 year relationship where I had to be in control because my spouse was out of control...drugs & alcohol. The irony of it I'm outside looking in at a similar scenario for someone I care about deeply. Expressing my emotional needs has been a challenge for me these 9 months. My lesson has been to balance out those needs between meeting some of them for myself and having some fulfilled my partner. Sadly, he is emotionally tied to this person, which hurts him and there is little room for me. He's such a good person with such a big heart. It's really hard letting him go. Thanks for listening.

  • I know this is going to be hard to hear, but I think it's time for you to move on and find someone new. I know it won't be easy, but he's playing with your feelings even though he has been up front with you. Why can't he make a decision and leave his ex and commit to you. I think he can't leave her and you're going to be the one who get's hurt the most. Just imagine you and him making a life together with her in the picture always. It's obvious she's not going anywhere and she has him controlled somehow. If I was you I would want to be first in his life.

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