Advice Needed Please! Should I contact ex-friend??
I'm new to this forum and hope I'm in the right place. I really could do with some advice. It's a long post so I truely apologise.
I've been thinking about my ex best friend alot lately (let's call her J) and it's getting to the point of obsession where I'm checking facebook (she's on my partners friends list) and constantly wondering what she's up to. She's a Sagittarius 32 and I'm a Gemini 31. I just need to know if I should even attempt to contact her again in the hope of becoming friends or has there been too much water under the bridge?? I felt like I always gave more to the friendship but was it actually toxic? Have we lost the friendship because it wasn't meant to be and the cosmos was telling me she was actually bad for me?? I don't want to contact her if I'll just get sl@gged off and rejected harshly so am just confused.
Let me tell you a bit of back story. We were best friends from around 2000 until around 2003 when we had not so much a falling out as just drifted apart. Basically I had found out, after lots of tests, that I was unable to conceive children naturally and was devastated that I'd have to have IVF treatment. Around this time her sister had fallen pregnant and every time I was round there she would show me something she'd bought for her sister or talk non-stop about it. J also had a 3 year old at this point but also couldn't have more children due to PCOS so I expected her to understand a little more. I became severly depressed and she spoke to my partner who told her I was having a hard time and why. She was fully aware of it yet didn't want to do anything to fix it so I just backed off for my own sanity and to be honest she didn't contact me afterwards. My partner and I went on the IVF waiting list and waited for treatment.
Around 2007 she contacted me through friends reunited. I had already had a cancelled round of IVF due to hyperstimulating (OHSS) and was taking a break to recover from that. The friendship was really easy to fall back into...it was great, we were best friends after a matter of weeks. It felt silly that we'd drifted apart but I was totally open with the reasons why so she'd have no illusion as to what happened. It was honestly so wonderful and I was so happy.
We got back in touch with another friend in 2008 - M (who we initially met through) and had a good time...although those two were never as keen on each other.
Around September 2009 J split from her husband who cheated on her. When she moved we helped her out with support, removals, cash, food etc. She started to lie which I didn't notice at the time and cancel arrangements at really short notice etc. She also said her ex husband was basically stalking her and continually tried forcing himself on her. I was appalled and advised her to call the police etc. This was obviously a lie as they got back together in the beginning of December 2009..................
In December 2009 we started IVF medications etc to have frozen embryos implanted......around mid December came the bombshell...J was pregnant! She called me up really excited and I was just stunned and upset but I tried to not let it show. Then it was all she would talk about, text about, change her statuses about. I understood she was excited but she knew exactly what I was going through and my hormones were everywhere so I was really messed up about it so don't understand why she had to text and talk about it whenever we got together. I turned to our other friend M for help and she tried to help by steering the conversation to other things etc. When J noticed me backing off she spoke to our other friend M who told her about how I was feeling. I really tried for the next few weeks to deal with it but she still rubbed it in my face and went home early if the conversation wasn't all about her and the pregnancy. At this point I was all over the place mentally and emotionally but only had support from my partner and M (none of our families know about the IVF).
Anyway, it came to a head a few days before New Year 2010 when she told M that she felt threatened by my partner as he'd sent her a few text messages asking when we could collect the £150 she owed us as she'd constantly fobbed us off for the past month saying she'd pay it on a certain day and then saying she couldn't and we desperatly needed it. I was absolutely livid as my partner (a typical laid back Pisces) would never be threatening to anyone. I sent a text to my partner when I found this out calling her a 'cheeky b*tch' and saying what J had said...but mistakingly sent it to her. Anyway, afterwards I apologised for calling her names and explained she knows I have a short temper and tend to have my brief nasty moments. I then wrote to her pouring everything out and pointed out the stuff that had happened and the ways it could change because I still wanted her as a friend. I basically left the ball in her court.
She then unfortunately lost the baby at 10 weeks around the 5th of January 2010. I couldn't help but feel responsible even though medically, she couldn't have carried the baby and the doctors stated this when she had her test (she has massive ovarian cysts that are around 19cm each and there's lots of them so the baby wouldn't have room to grow......she has to have them drained a few times a year. She was also taking tramadol painkillers until she found out and is morbidly obese. I contacted her after that to console her and tell her how sorry I was and I truely was......although I wonder if she gave me the same consideration after being told how much she was hurting me? I haven't spoken to her since mid January and she never did respond to my letter.
I just feel jinxed since she told me she was pregnant! I had my IVF cycle fail in January 2010 and again in June 2010. I'm currently having to take a break while undergoing tests as my health has deteriorated and it appears I've developed M.E. I have had nothing but stress and heartache since 2009. My relationship has nearly fallen apart several times, I have my health problems, we have been declared bankrupt, will have to give up our house later this year, I have lost jobs...everything seems to have gone wrong from that point in 2009. Please, am I jinxed? Is there anything I can do to get rid of this?!
Anyway, thanks for listening and any helpful advice would be very much appreciated.
Thanks =] x
Can you tell me yours and your ex-friend's birthdates?
Yes, mine is 1st June 1979 and hers is 17th December 1978.
This relationship is full of contradictions. Your differences really come to the fore in a friendship or a working relationship. You are usually two pretty outgoing personalities, yet your relationship is earmarked to be intimate and sensitive. Furthermore, though your element is air (thought) and your friend's is fire (intuition) together you produce a lot of emotion. Your relationship puts a wholly unexpected emphasis on your inner lives and feelings. It is very changeable in nature, in a way that makes it unfathomable and in the long run rather unsettling for both of you.
You can sense insecurities in your friend almost instantly, empathizing with her hidden problems without even being told about them. Once you gain her trust, she may come to rely on you to discuss personal difficulties or even just to listen to her complaints. You can also be a complainer but your friend may be less patient in providing you with her ear or shoulder. Where she tends to see the big picture, you like to concentrate on the individual data of experience, one by one. Your relationship emphasises this polarity. You are more factual and your friend is more philosophical so you may argue over which course to follow, but a reconciliation is not entirely out of reach, and an integrated, versatile and productive relationship can result. Sharing secrets and being sympathetic to each other's needs is prominent here. Try and reconcile your points of view if you can, because this can be an enduring friendship if you both want it to be and work at it.
Thank you so much for the insight! I think I will contact her and at least try, I won't have regrets then.
Thanks =] x
Let me know how you get on.