Please help me, I'm lost and confused to all the people matters to me .
I am lost and confused now I feel like they always take a part of me and makes me felt bad and wonder why they always hurt me.I felt that they abused me and loosing my patient sometimes.I do admit that I allow them cos I always wanted everyone to be happy but in the end I am the one get hurt. I always try my best to do what ever I can give and I never expect anything to anyone. But I am only human for sometimes commit mistakes. I'm so sad they always forget what goods and favor that u did to them instead turn they back, I always think that it's a human nature.But I'm talking about my family. I am the eldest in my family I'm turning 36 next month, I felt like I've done everything but still I felt incomplete I feel emptiness for I always wanted to have a family of my own. As I can see my kids and husband to be will the answer to all of my sadness,Unfortunately till now my Mr. right never exist or may be I'll past him by. I always thought that I have a wonderful half sisters and brother and I never once felt that I'm not a part of family. I sometimes felt bad for all I know I'm just their sister to my dad a half sister. I had a good childhood I grow of in a small village in my home town,My mum is a single mum I just meet my dad when I was 18yrs. My grand father and mother look after me when I was young while my mum working overseas . Till my grandfather and mother died I was so sad and felt so bad and never wanted to be alone and I felt like no body loves me and giving me attention.But God is good my mum sister looks after me she was single and like a mother to me. Till one day she decided to get married and that is so sad for me cos I know she will left me again. She left me at my mum's ancestral house and my single uncle's and auntie's live with me since I was young I'm always doing the house holds task and at the young ages of my a lot of people feel sorry to me but instead of having bitterness It makes me stronger and always dreaming that one they you will respect me and I will help them no matter what they doing to me. I was 8 yrs old then and Always wanted to play with my cousin and some of my school friends.But I need to go home early cos i need to cook and cleaning house doing laundry for them for sometimes while I'm doing that I'm crying and winging and if they hear that one of them will hit me and it cos me a lost of pain and sometimes I said to myself I hope they will died soon. I know that was wrong but They abused me and mum left me and never come back again.After 9 years my mum when back home I finish my high school then and again and she had nothing but her luggage.We heard a lot of story that she's been gambling and drinking I am so worried to her and I wonder why she left me alone. I am a working student to support myself I look after with my cousin kids to pay off my tuition fee.Does where the days I never want to look back cos its cause me a lot of pain and if I will remember all of it I can't resist to cry but it help me to become a stronger person and never stop dreaming that someday .They will respect me and adore me after all the things they done.I was 18yrs when I meet my dad and a wonderful step mum. I was surprised when my brother and sisters knew that they have a big sister and its me.I thank God I found a family of my own they send me to uni and finished my bachelor.My dad was very tough to us . He always said to us he always wanted the best for us. Even my brother and sister never grow up with my dad his working as well overseas. He had a good job and I can tell that my brother and sister never experience what I been through. My dad never ever praised me for everything I done for sometimes I get jealous I felt like he never wanted me his just trying to do his obligation cos I'm pleasing them to please send me to uni so I can have better life. His kind the strict to us but I was very friendly and easy to communicate with people.While in his eyes my sister's and brother are good to him. After finished Uni they told me to find a job cos they will never give any single cents. It was a challenge to me I got a job and I started to buy my own things and buy what I want for myself they never us for anything. One day my dad complaining to me that I'm always out with my friends and I might not saving money for the feature. Yes , I'm always with friends place cos I feel that family in them. I was close to my brother and sisters I always give them something what they want though I know my dad can give it to them. Life is good to me after all the pain and burden when I was young everything that I wanted to do is so easy to me. I travel a lot and I keep sharing all the blessing that I have especially to my family. We are all closed and never had a big fight and were spending holiday together.But sometimes I know some how they get jealous to me and talk shit to me and I ignore it but honestly it hurts me badly.My mum and dad keep complaining to me cos they never do go things and asking me to talk with them .They listened to me and when we having a lil bit of argue they said sorry for all I know my stepmum always told to them that I'm the eldest and they need to listened to me. They have a lot of bad things that my dad never know and my mum never ever told to my dad all this years my dad believing that they are good and doing good which is not. One they were having argue me and my younger sister and my mum is on my side she keeps crying and begging to my mum to be on her side cos every now and then my mum always on my side and they are the really family. It happen last Dec. my mum drive her to his dad 's house that argue is intense. Were not allowed to swear and no one swear in the house its not allowed and I can't control I was so protective to them.She just finished uni and my dad wanted her to have time out before finding a job.Good life is always with them they never ever hear anything to my dad all the luxuries thing is easy for them while I'm with them my dad always telling me. U need to finished uni so you can have a better life and stand own your one feet which I did and never ever ask any single cents to them for sometimes I lend them money if they want to buy a property .Now I earned sympathy to my dad cos his asking me a favor instead of lending money in the bank. But this brother and sister of mine they had a good job never ever think my mum and dad instead their the one asking favor but for all I know very abusive and greedy.They always want to take and never give anything. I never ever take anything in to account but all this years my god Im so tired of being blind to their attitude. I said to my mum I'm very thankful for all the things that she done to me and she knows that I love her dearly and I'm very vocal to her that I much love her rather in my biological mum I know its not good things to say but thats how i felt to her.And to make it clear to my brother and sisters I don't expect anything to my mum and dad . I will never ever ask for my property or investment that they have. I am not after to any single cent that they will leave to us when their gone.I am so stupid I always give my best shot to them cos that;s the only way that I can prove my love to them cos I am leaving away to pamper them though I know they can afford I still give them I shout. God I am lost for words cos I felt so sad I neve wanted to be like this and I felt sorry for my mum and dad cos they will not happy for this and my dad never know this cos his still overseas. But the over the line and it hurt me badly. Money is not everything to me.I said to myself this time its all about me but I am not happy cos my mum always telling me that I know how i felt and she can't blame me and admit that she made a mistake to tolerate all of them and hiding it to my dad. I don't know what else I can do now.
Annielan, you may be 36 physically but your emotional age sounds like it stopped at 16 - you really must grow out of this romantic fantasy/tragedy you have about what personal happiness and life is. You're trying too hard to be loved - you need to find other distractions and interests and not let this fantasy take over your life. You have developed an obsession with being loved to the point where it is stopping you moving forward and finding happiness. If you wait around for other people to give you the love you crave, you will be waiting forever. Face it, some people are just takers and may always be like that.
What you need is to find an intellectually stimulating environment amongst people who energise your mind and make you leave behind the pool of emotion and self-pity you are currently drowning in. Are you able to do any study or mix with intellectual types? Doing something creative will also pull you out of this emotional swamp you are stuck in. You must distract yourself from this obsession with being loved and appreciated, and surround yourself with people who will admire you for your creativity and mind. You can replace your craving to be loved by one person with being loved by many if you just get out and mix with the right people. Not emotional wrecks like some of your present family and friends, but clever creative people who will welcome you into their group. Join a club or get some hobby going so you can meet such people. And make sure in your desperation to be loved and understood, that you also try to love and understand others as well. It has to work both ways. What you give out will come back to you.