watergirl18 last edited by
I adopted this one as my song a few months ago, but thought you might like it too
Well back to work and that is going so much better, I have a better view of the people I work with and I do not let the mean people get to me, I know now that I am above that and won't take it, and funny thing is now they trerat me better., which in turn makes work better.
I finished my room and it looks so great, alot of work, but I am so proud that I did it all by myself and was able to take a dingy room and make it beautiful, just for me.
I worked hard everyday even after work, shampooed the rugs, washed the blinds, painted the walls and today I will go buy a nice lamp and some shelves to finish it off.
I have been having some dreams about Ron, but mostly I am trying to forget about him.
Most of the time now I feel strong and like I will be okay and have even started seeing that life alone isn't so bad, but still hoping someday I find someone to love.
You made my day! You give off such a good energy! Thank you. So glad you see and feel the difference and trust the process. I am as well redoing a room--just for me---it was a room I let someone else take over in a too pleasing kind of way. So in celebration of boundries and self respect--which really does attract respect from others---I am sore right now--painted and put down new flooring. Feels good. I know I am wise and gifted yet the truth is Nancy no one is above managing their shadow side. All of us are tested and all of us must defend our boundries. We are never just done growing--we heal--we get better--we keep growing--it gets easier. Blessings to you--Goddess Nancy---Enjoy--Spirit shows me a big green sign for you--ABUNDANCE!
Okay again you are so right, remember you saw a women causing me trouble at work and lately thought it might be my sister, well it happened today.
When I got back from my surgery we had a new assistant manager named Katlin, she is probably 22 andseems to do a really good job.
She gives people a hard time so no one likes her, but like a big dummy I have been defending her and telling people that I really like her.
I come to work on time and in uniform, shirt tucked in ect.. and I take alot of pride in my work so she has been nothing but nice to me until today.
She decided it would be better for the store if the frond end manager did self checkout, so they can do that and watch the lines at the same time.
When I got back from luch I was told to get in a checkstand, and I said I can't it causes me back pain and my store manager Celest gave me self check out as a compensation for being wrongly taken out of produce.
She said you are a checker and don't you ever talk back to me get in a checkstand now.
I was floored, people do not talk to me like that,
I asked the front end manager what checkstand to go to and she told me #7 so I said okay I will just stand in that one because there are no customers.
Well Katlin thought I was telling the other girl to go stand in there, so she took me to the office and tried to put me in my place.
I tried to explain things to her, but ended up crying instead.
I can't be checker for so many reasons, what do I do now?
OH HONEY! I feel so sorry and send you a hug--AND A BACKBONE! She treated you like that because she could---you betrayed yourself by being nice--excusing her true colors when she did not deserve it---she is a tyrant andt no one respects her so she gets frustrated by that--she knows they hate her---so you---the meek nice sweety got the lashing of her satiisfaction. She is really insecure and should not have gotten that job---it was pulled by someone--a friend. You should never have let her speak to you like that but the damage has been done---she did and you took it. You are too afraid of losing your job. The real problem is you work in a place where you have no backup---no support system. Who is protecting you. You need another job if you have not one person you can go to who would back you up on this.Right now you can't think yet because you are too emotional. You are hurt and rightfully so. But honestly Nancy you set yourself up for abuse when you are too nice and when you do not surround yourself with a trusting higher up to be there for you. It is against the law for an employee to speak to you like that. Hurt got in the way--so it must be an old wound she opened---something you are still healing. Once the hurt goes away--you will realize how you should have reacted---just the how dare you look in your eye had it been there would have had her backing off. She is no authority figure and it's bugging her. Also, she hates her mother. You are older and wiser--get out of the hurt part then get into the how dare you power mode--boundries have been crossed. Get rid of personal feelings and realy see her weak spots---and then you know how to GET TO HER. I have had to put up with a sour apple but they can only last so long--they run off good employees but I wait and lay low and get into their heads and find their weak spots and because I always have a boss who is my friend I wait untill the bad apple screws up bad and I expose them. I let them hang themselves. I know being psychic helps to know the bad ones but I really think you do have a protector in you but sometimes you ignore that half of you. You called yourself a dummy--so you know where you let yourself down but you are no dummy---it's just an old habit that will come up. You give too much. And you think if you please---even the worst people that you won't be treated bad but instead it back fires. If it makes you feel better I can tell you that girl is soon to be gone. Spirit says someone is watching your back--from afar and by next week you will see a change. Get rid of the feelings first---let the awfull incident at least release the hurt and helplessness---spirit says you still feel a big wound ---a trapped helpless feeling---get the pain out---cry cry cry---then get angry---then try and find were that feeling began---search your childhood----feel it repeat throughout your life. By the weekend your higherself will be able to THINK and you'll have that protector back--the head and heart connection. Did you really like her? Do you think if you like people who can be mean and confrontational that they will leave you alone? You'll be thinking more by the weekend--the helplessness will fade. Someone is already working on doing her in---she will be gone soon. Be good to yourself!
You know I have been searching my childhood and my life trying to figure out why I have always felt the need to please mean people.
I remember feeling less pretty and popular than the other girls in grade school and jr High, but by high school I was okay.
I got my heart broken a few times and each time thought it would kill me, but it never did ad I got stronger.
By the time I met Ron i wouldn't take grief from any man and he knew it.
I told him right from the start that if he wanted to be with me it was just me and if he didn't that was fine, but I wasn't going to wait for him to decide he wanted me.
Within an hour he was at my house professing his devotion and saying how lucky he was and how happy we could be. I belived him and went a lot faster than I was comfortable with as far as getting engaged and married.
When he asked I said we should wait and he said " Nancye I will get married only once and ask only once and if you say no we are done. So I said yes. I knew I loved him I just thought it was too fast, but then I also always thought when you meet the right one you know it.
Our first year together was perfect and on our honeymoon I got pregnant and everything vhanged.
I was really sick and put on weight and he didn't like me very much.
When our beautiful son was born I did all I could to make his life perfect and Ron was so jealous we drifted apart.
He worked all the time and I took care of Drew and the house and I always believed when Drew got a little older Ron and I would find each other again, I always belived marriage is forever.
We had TRevor and it seemed better, but maybe I was just busier and didn't see it, and when we had Ty and bought a house I was sure things would be perfect.
His mother was murdered in her house and because Ron didn't have a relationshipn with her he never cried and wouldn't talk about it to me and that was when he found his first affair and attempted to leave me.
I was floored and sick, but within 2 days he came crawling back and said he was so sorry and would do anything for me and the boys.
The affair caused him to get fired from SAfeway because she was an employee so he had 6 months of no work and we all spent that time rebuiling our family.
We went camping, boating, took vacations, did things around the house together and put a spa in the back yard so we had a place to talk and be together with no kids or tv.
WE talked about things we never had before and got to know each other better than ever, and after about 8 months I finally believed we had made it throught and would be fine.
WE took special care to spend time together and a couple times a year would even go on shrt trips without the boys. Life was perfect.
He always called me at work during the day and sent me cards professing his love to me and would do anything to make me happy.
I got kisses in the morning and when he got home and we slept curled around eachother every night.
He spoiled me and I spoiled him and together we had a very financially secure future.
Then I got wrongfully fired from safeway and fell apart. I got very depressed and was also going through menopause, and I guess that is when she found him.
I started noticing liitle things like him not calling me during the day and coming home later at night and then he joined a gym.
I was still depressed even when I got my job back and had put on weight and things just started getting worse.
When he told me he wasn't happy I knew it was another women again and I blamed myself for gaining weight and everything else.
I could always see what we had and can't believe he walked away.
So yes I have no more self confidence, that isn where it begain that I let people walk on me because I lost my value as ahuman being, and I am trying so hard to get it back, but living with someone for over half of my life and beliving in allwe had only to have him leave for a 3 time divorced bartender who cheated on him in college and left her kids in another staste is just too much.
I am crawling back to the women I was before him, but it is hard. I look in the mirror and only see faults. I have lost so much weight that I can wear anything I like, but still find myself wearing baggy clothes.
I know I need to get out there and meet people, but I love being home and don't have the desire to be hurt again.
I don't trust people anymore.
It's not that you don't trust people-it's that you do not trust yourself to protect yourself---you really are a very smart cookie Nancy---and could easily run your own buisness--if you could trust your enforcer. What stands out to me in your story is how you knew Ron--from day one--that he needed big time boundries--you knew that! So much that you told him take me or leave me and take your chances cause I will not put my life on hold or let you control. And you were right! So right he stepped right up to the bar BUT you went against your higherself and let him take control--he turned the tables and counter set his own bar and you gave in and let him control---you felt it in your wise self you didn't feel it was wise but you turned your protector away. That has replayed all your life. But you are aware of it so much Nancy that it is in your power to manage it ---you are doing better--ilife is making you practice but you are getting there--really. And poor Ron--I see your reason for letting him slide so much--his wound is big. There is a deep shadow on his heart that tells him HE murdered his own mother. Makes no logical sense I know but his deep guilt over his anger has disconnected his heart---you understand and have empathy for his wounded part--but --you have your own wounds--and by him not healing or dealing with his baggage he spreads that pain on other loved ones and you cannot fix that--only he can--you must fix you and protect you. I knew your head would be working good after the weekend---I know I help with encouregment and validation and I do respond long term with you because you are very good at hearing your own good advice---your wound--emotions overwhelm you at times but you always pick yourself up. I think you are very close to making a BIG turn in your life. Their will always be people out there you can't trust but you can protect yourself and pick yourself up--because no one is so protected they are not betrayed--it comes from having an open heart---so get out there---practice will build up your protector---you already have the intuition and smarts! BLESSINGS
I just wanted to write and tell you that my store manager told me today that I will stay in self checkout, and later in the day when she got there Katlin came over to me and apologised and said she talked to Celest and I will be staying right where I am.
And as far as Rons wound over his mothers death, yea he feels guilty because they weren't close. He didn't like her at all and spent most of his life hating her. I have told you before that she had manic depression and I was worried maybe he did too.
Yes I tolerate too much from him, but somewhere inside I have to believe true love is forever.
I took more than I should have, but I married him for life and can't come to turms with the fact that he is gone. Still trying, I try harder every day. I thank you for your support and continued insight.
Hey one more thing today.. Yesterday a friend at work told me that a man came looking for me when I was out sick, she said he was from my high school and said he hadn't seen me in 20 years.
She said he looked like he used to be good looking, but not anymore , but didn't know his name. Any ideas.
I am glad to hear the validation---how things played out. I had picked up the possibility of Ron being bipolar--(manic depresiant) but was afraid that would put you on a different path as for your growth it was and still is so important to heal yourself. AND Ron has to be in a position to accept having a mental illness--most people don't. You just can't go into rescue mode at all. Knowing his mother was ill--and that it IS hereditary is something he must consider. You know untreated it is a very destructive illness. One of the symptoms is promiscuity---another is the inability to handle finances responsably and bipolar people are very self centered. It is an illness. I've been married to a bipolar for 40 years--in fact most of the people spirit comes through to are people affected by mental illness. It is my special calling. The fact that Ron hates his mother is proof he does not at all understand mental illness or believe in it. When untreated the il person is not capable of controling their behaviour. Believe me--I know how cruel that illness can be. My husband did not get proper treatment for many years---I was clueless to his illness---all I knew is mostly he was a wonderful man---felt his love yet there would be times when he was this strange cruel---out of control man I barely recognized. I always clung to the memory of the loving man. I could write a book on that long journey. Being psychic did not exclude me from healing my own issues and dealing with him built who I am today. I can tell you--I had to threaten Divorce--and mean it befor he was ready to see a good psychiatrist You can't take mental illness personal--it is a horrible place to be and impossible to maintain a relationship without treatment. Ron has to hit bottom and be forced to deal with his wounds and he must above all else question his behaviour. Bipolars when ill think they are fine and everyone else is nuts. Mental illness can fluctuate---they can be actually normal for periods and change overnight. You can't dwell on that now though because you have no control over him at all so you must continue forward. As for the mystery man---I'll have to reread some of my posts to you because I think I remember spirit saying something about--connecting with old friends from the past---it was about the time spirit suggested it was time to connect--socialize---this is that continued urging. They know your having a tough time making that leap so expect these kind of things to pop up as that is where you are being guided to. Spirit says--you think too much with sad eyes--still looking back---just trust the unknown. The men that will be coming into your life are meant to hold up a mirror so you can apreciate the REAL you. Spirit asks to reflect on what truely scares you about a man who is not detached. As giving as you are there is a shadow side that has been hidden----as much as you crave love and closeness---your shadow side has intimacy issues---there is a safety net in loving a detached person. Something you are ready to ponder. As for searching your childhood---the memory you are looking for is hidden---too painful to bring to the light. That's why building up all this fighting strength is so nessaary--because untill your subconciese knows you are ready it will not release that info--because you went into survival mode----otherwise it would have destroyed you. You are getting very close and the memory will ease in---slowly--in your dreams---brief images as you drift to sleep and spirit will guide you into that memory and it will be that missing piece that will both devistate you for a bit yet be so liberating. It is all good---keep your thoughts on YOU and let Ron complete his own journey. BLESSINGS!
I don't know what you mean by a detatched man. Also can you tell me will Ron ever be better, will he get help?
Yesterday he ruined my day by playing games with money. He was supposed to give me my support on the first, but said he didn't have it until the 7th so yeaterday I texed him and asked if he sent it and got no reply, asked again, no reply. He knows that bothers me.
I am tempted to write him a long rant, but I won't i am sure he knows what a jerk he is, I just don't understand why.
He's a jerk because he is detached. Detached means the energy you are pulled into right now--FEEL IT---this is him controlling you--ruined yesterday? He is stealing your life energy with your permission. Isn't this all familiar to you? Isn't this going back to day one--him doing something he knows really "bothers you" He is not in control if you do not let yourself LIE to you. Quit expecting more from him---knowing him why would you believe he would care at all when you got that check--he doesn't even believe you should get a penny. He can't disapoint you or bother you without your permission. He can stretch that due date as far as the law allows---belive it and plan your life accordingly. Don't put yourself in a position to count on him---Nancy--tough love here---write it and tape it to your mirror. I will not count on Ron for anything. Soon as he gets your detachment from his control he will be forced to switch gears. If you want to see change in him--you must change first. Stop this same old dance with him---you need--he yanks the chain. See the chain? Figure out your bills as if his check may not come till the last legal day. That's you taking control for your own life. And the first time he passes the legal boundrie--call and report him--that's you not being helpless and using your PROTECTOR---believe me--the first time he gets that letter that says pay up or lose your driver's license he will CHANGE. Do I see him getting help---free will---he will have to want you enough to do it---you have to be independant enough that day he begs forgiveness to decide if you want him--but you are not there yet--he would not believe it yet----you are free from that chain. No I do not see him doing it alone. Live the good advice you have gotten and that day will come when you will have the power to help him help himself--as in ---Ron---maybe we can get back together if you get treatment--a psychiatrist and I am given full permission to be a part of your treatment--access to all your records and permission to speak to your psychiatrist--including meeting TOGETHER on occasion. That is the hard reality. Nancy do yourself a favour, stop letting him yank your chain--ruin your day--say it out loud--I AM NOT HELPLESS.! Do not count on him. Just don't.
WEll Ron actually went to Tys game on wednesday while I was out with the girls. He took him out to dinner after and then came to the house As soon as he got here Ty left saying he had somewhere to be and Ron stayed in the entry and talked briefly to Drew, but only said hello and be good to Trevor.
That was the first time he spoke to any of them in over 4 months.
I have been dreaming alot and trying to be strong and it came to me the other day that Ron never did love us, any of us.
He was playing the part he thought he was supposed to play and now he is doing what he wants for the first time since he was 20.
I have finnally realized that no matter how sick you are someone who neglects there kids is not someone I need in my life.
Over and over in my dreams I am remembering things he said to me over the years that I shouldn't have tollerated.
When Drew was 4 weeks old Ron said I was too fat and not atractive anymore to him. OUr first beautiful child was in my arms and all he could see was the weight I put on.
When he had his first affair he told me he never wanted a 3rd child and that he knew I didn't love him.
He has always hid things and had secrets from me and I honestly don't know how many other women there was that I didn't know about.
I would say I wasted 27 years on him, but I got 3 beautiful boys and a house, so I guess I win.
I know spirit has told you he will regret and try to come home, but I don't think so, not this time, not this man.
It is time for me to accept the giant mistske I made in trusting him with my heart and accept the fact that I may never know what real love is.
I tyruly believe in you and your gift but think maybe he fooled you too.
I could accept that he thinks he doensnt need me, but the fact he doesn't need his boys shows me he is too far gone to ever come bsck.
I am so very sorry, please forgive me, I am not questioning your gift or your advise, I am just having a bad day. again so sorry.
OH ---no apologizing! I was smiling not offended at all---you are exactly where you need to be and it's just you feeling anger then feeling guilty. You know--that scene you described---you in a most joyouse moment baby in your arms---too joyouse for a detached person like Ron---the tender wide open moment of feeling deeply true vulnerability--scared the hel llll out of him! So he cra pped on it. That's his detached issue---it is also something bipolars do when people get too close. Pick up a book on loving a bipolar--it's text book. Your dreams are all good---you need to let the anger come out---and it is actually right where you should be---thinking Ron is NOT coming back and maybe you don't care. Remember when I told you you would feel that way one day but you could not imagine it? Oh, he's testing the waters---just kinda hanging out but not too close---he's getting it that you have changed---somethings different. And stop feeling guilty or afraid those who care will reject you if you are open with your feelings---I was not thinking you were turning on me at all! I was actually pleased with your emotions---you acknowledging your feelings. He will eventually apologize but will dance around it for as long as he can hoping it will be YOU that grabs on crying oh baby please come back---really---you have in the past did all the work. You know what real love is. It begins with how you love yourself---what you would love from a mate you must first give yourself ----it raises the energy vibration and you attract the love you are. Be kind to yourself! I already am fond of you for who you are--you do not need to pleese me.
your prince will come!
WEll I have been feeling good, strong, almost happy all week. work is going fine and with Easter coming I got little gifts for my boys.
The thing with my sister is getting worse because now my mom is pressuring me to be nicec. I tried to explain to her how I feel and she doesn't want to hear it.
Ron went to Tys game yesterday and my days off were swithced so I wasn't there, but would have been if not for a dentist appontment.
When I got off work I called all the boys to see who was home for dinner, got no reply so I csme home, Tyler called a while later and told me he was having dinner with his dad, and for some reason I got nervous because last week he came in after dinner, and I got angry because all he has done, and I got scared because I hate that he doesn't love me.
I put on some cute clothes just in case and did the dishes the kids had left in the sink and then guess what... He droped Ty off without coming out of his car.
Do not ever let your mother talk you into not respecting your feelings or choices---this goes deep with you and you are tested. Spirit says you are still going through the "letting go" test. Many are right now. Don't let your neediness come out to hurt you---don't feed the rejection monster or he will like a wolf eat you. Do not expect from Ron--anything--do not hope--do not let your heart rule on this one---protect yourself---remember all your shadow issues this perdicament has gifted you to heal. You know the truth. Your fear of being alone---not having someone else to DO FOR---to make your life worthy is your seducer that takes you back to rejection and pain. Anytime you find yourself---all tied up---dressed and WAITING alone for love to come TO YOU---remind yourself that Spirit has guided you out of that trap and it is a big divine gift nudge to be more active--no more waiting for love to come to you Nancy. Get out there---join something--make new friends---try new things. CHOOSE LOVE! If you do not do this life will force it on you a bit--your kids will be suddenly distant and others who distract you like your sister, your mom, or that energy su cking friend---people like that will come into the picture to boot camp you with a refresher course. Avoid, waiting for validation outside you---avoid outside energy zappers and useless drama---avoid feeling like a victim. Use this Easter weekend to celebrate the Jesus in all of us---that lonely trip to the mountain "alone" and soon to be beaten" but holding true in your religion---the soul's eternal good survives---a ressurection! BLESSINGS! Your choice.
Something is going on with me, I am so depressed I can't motivate myself to do even simple things.
I was off today, played in the garden a little, but kept going back to nothing. Not like me at all I stay busy to keep myself happy and I just can't right now.
Maybe its just that everyone around me is coupled up and making plans. All my friends are married and I feel strange being a third wheel. I tried match.com again and it just makes me cry. I don'[t find men my age atrractive and I have to feel something to be interested.'
I take great care of myself and how I look, I try to always look my best and no one looks at me. WEll thats not true small children love me, babies smile at me
Yesterday on my way home a song came on the radio that reminded me of an old friend chuck. I tried to reconnect with him last year, but he was getting divorced and having an affair and thought I wanted more than he could spare. I didn't I just felt a connection and needed that with someone, but he said he has too many friends.
I know you say get out there and choose love, but I am so stuck right now.
I am triing to find classes to take or a group to join, but I suck at doing things like that alone and thats what I am alone.
AS far as church, my dad was a minister, but right now I am not sure about my faith with all that has happened.
My dad always said to treat people as you want to be treated and and always talk to God and everything will be okay. Well its not.. I give to much and no one wants to be around me.
I know you are going to rip me for this pity party, but alas this is how I am feeling.
Sounds like the lull of no moon! You have valid feelings---but they will wash over you---the moon will come back and a new cycle will start. As for aging---feeling invisable
don't think I do not miss that "getting looks" stage of life. Kind of shocking the day young men stop looking---call you mam! Then you look at women who defy that stigma---I see Tina Turna---Shirley Mclain and on and on---they are out there sexy hot older women. You just have to get your Mojo going. You have gone through a LOT---and been through big transformations---your whole life has changed---you are entering the unknown---give yourself a break. Be kind to yourself. You know how you hate the rest times. As for church---I really think you should look for a spiritual church or center. They are out there---and often have activities and workshops as well as services. I will pray to your guardian angel to help you. I'm going to Jazzercise to feed my mojo. Bring back some of your youthful favourite things---music----listen to the stuff you once loved. The best advice right now is to be aware of the self doubt----you entertain too many negative thoughts---just say out loud--stop it! No bad critical thinking. Sometimes your just tired Nancy----it will pass. I don't retain readings always--but didn't you have something of a surprise coming in May? Also, be aware that after family interactions---specially parents or sibilings--it sucks the life out of you but you don't always make the connection---there is a lot of repressed anger you can't direct outward so you turn it inward--depression. Pay attention to that more. Look forward to May. Avoid drama. Mother your inner child. BLESSINGS