Hi there me again, I tried to leave you alone and stay away, but somehow when I need answers I feel like you csn help.
I trust you and believe in what you tell me even though at times it doesn't seem possible for Ron to ever regret what he has done to us.
I talked to him today about car insurance and he still says the meanest things for no reason, I ended up telling him off and hanging up the phone
He can't afford the suport, he doesn't like the settlment, he is mad about taxes, the kids hating him is my fault , blah blah blah.
Do you see anything happening with my divorce? It has been 2 years now and he is not signing, but I was wondering if I will get all my lawyer promised
Also I am having surgery next week and am nervous about that.
It is minor, but still I worry about my boys should something go wrong. Will I be okay?
Are you happy Ron is angry or would you rather he was all smiles and so in love with his girlfriend he thought it was all worth it? Of course it's your fault in his head--to take responsability for any of the reprecussions of his choices is not going to sink in without a fight. He's getting grief from her and in his mind you are the obsticle and if only you would give in and just give him what he wants and then it would be better. Of course it would not be that easy but that's his focus. He does not take responsability--he takes the easy way out and he hides when he can--BUT mostly, here's your glory moment to stand tall--he very much underestimated your strength! This is no way how he thought it was going to go down--he really thought you were a lot weaker and easily manipulated. His frustration is very high as he was not prepared for it and all he can do is drag his feet hoping to wear you down--the legal stuff is what it is---your lawyer has told you what you are entitled to--he's working towards that and your husband can only contest so long and drag out this mess so long. The law is the law. He can either hope you'll get married again or he's trying to figure how to show he's bankrupt without giving up anything--it is not working for him and he feels trapped--this man cannot stand feeling trapped--he has always been in control. He has no choice but be broken open by this--as you were broken open and forced to grow he is being tested. Any arguments you have are not real--for him it's about letting out his frustration--lashing out and the next time he talks cruel treat it as such--you have boundries now and you can say--just because you are miserable does not mean you can take it out on me---this is your mess--clean it up or live with it--then hang up. Don't even indulge yourself with arguing back when he attacks and blames--just refuse to go there even though you have plenty hurts to hash out. Your surgery will be fine. In fact something about it will bring a positive change. BLESSINGS
You are so right about him, he really believes that he shouldn't have to support me after Ty turns 18. I mean he sat there in the lawyers office with me and we went over the seperation of assets, the support and the taxes, and now he wants to argue every point and won't sign off on it.
He says he won't have enough money for himself and that he will never be able to retire, he says no judge will do that to him.
I told him calmly that he was there and heard all the reasons I get what I get, but he says he didn't hear any of that and he doesn't agree with the proposal he was sent.
He still hasn't filed last years taxes and is threating to just file martried and claim everything even thought I filed a year ago seperatly. I think he has lost his mind, he will get in so much trouble if he does that.
But I am affraid to file this year because we are still married and they might take my refund to pay his taxes.
He even went so far as to tell me that he didn't leave, I threw him out., omg that one killed me, I told him yes when I found out he rented an apartment and was sleeping with Collen I asked him to leave, but evevn then I thought he would begt to come home and fix this.
He really doen't understand what he did, he doesn't have any guilt or remorse he is just worried about himself and how he will have enough money to be happy.
Thanks for the surgery info, I get so nervous about things and have never had surgery like this before.
I will be in the hospital for 3 days, but knowing I will be fine really helps.
Its not serous just has to be done, and yes I will be more confident when it is over.
The more cornered and up against the wall your husband gets the more reaching for anything he'll get and reality can only be silenced for so long----the taxes threat is indeed off the wall and the law is that either of you can file and any fraud is up to you to address through the legal system--and it's a first come first served system--if you file seperately and he trys to claim you later he is at fault. He's trying to scare you--as I said he really underestimated your fight back power because in his mind you were "easy" mostly--loyal as they come and he did not see a pit bull in you and this man has been living by his own rules for a long time and he never did have a sound plan or legal advice. The fact he insists you threw him out means he's getting closer to the breaking point--that was the first lie--that somehow he thought it would work--keeping his home with you and having her as well. Eventually it comes down to what was he thinking? And why would he ever consider that would be ok with you--that you loved him so much you'd except even that low blow--it's almost as if he had to be stopped from outside himself because he was out of control--still is but he has backed himself into a corner. AND he's wrong about the judge worried about his predicament---you two were not just a mistake--the judge sees a long term marriage with children and a man who cheated openly and abandoned his family---a choice he made that comes with responsability. Of course you can get a bad judge and you go back again with a different judge--- but mostly he doesn't have much argument---your marriage is a legal contract he broke and according to the laws of each state there is a division of property and support and no judge can change that and I'm sure your lawyer knows exactly what you are entitled to at the least. He's saying you threw him out to counter argue the abandonment issue--which has liability--when a spouse leaves it means they left the marriage and there is a price for that. He's hoping wishing that you were the one who left the marriage--mostly, he completely would like to ignore the adultry issue because in his mind he made that ok a long time ago so can't imagine being held accountable for it as a wrong--but the court does not go along with him. He is very frustrated I'm sure his lawyer has told him that and it frustrates him that he can't get around that and all he regrets is being bold enough to be in your face about his other woman and really thought he could have you both--in fact it is just now sinking in that maybe this is not going to work at all like he thought. And if he believed for a minute the judge will side with him then why is he arguing with you? He'd be silent and smug with that surprise if it were real--no he knows his lawyer told him the odds facing him and yes it is going to make him crazy--and his health is suffering and she wants you to disapear as if you never exhisted. The truth is very sad for him as mostly like I read earlier for him is he was sleepwalking in his life--very disconnected--going through the motions and wanting to feel alive but unable to really feel the love that was real--very tragic. SO, he grabbed onto high drama--intense outside energy that he thought made him more alive--well--now the feelings are intense and he's going to go through that broken open passage that you have been working your way through. You must remember that you two are not in sinc--right now you are so apart in your journey towards healing. You have faced many of your issues already and you have started building boundries--the first one was when you decided no way could he have two homes and two wives! He's going from not feeling enough to complete overload but do not feel sorry for him because he cannot change untill he goes through all of this journey. I still stand by my prediction that he will regret and open his eyes and see himself in the future but at the moment he's too busy treading water to be alone with himself long enough to reflect or have feelings of loss. Right now the enemy is outside him--you--the courts--the law but he has not seen that HE is the enemy. He will. Even if he didn't you will be fine and this too will pass. I know you want regret sooner but he has to be alone with himself to know what is truelly lost so it must crumble away down to nothing. His girlfriend has her own issues and being a loyal wife is not who she is and I still see she is attracted to another man in a toxic way. He has to be alone with her long enough to feel his needs--honestly, this man does not have a clue to who he is! Don't let him suck you backwards--you just keep surviving and being your own best friend, lover, and mother! PS--do not be afraid to file your taxes! He has not lived in your household all year--you can file seperately--it is worse not to file! Get a legal opinion on this because if doesn't file either it will come back to bite you later. Take care of yourself. BLESSINGS Just as things start looking up for you expect him to start falling apart big time--do not go into rescue mode! He must learn something.
Well I survived my surgery and made it home, not fun wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is so lonely going through something like like that all alone.
My sister was there when she could be, but I didn't sleep for 3 days and they are very strict about visitors.
My boys didn't come see me, probably for the best because now that I am home and in pain they are staying away and being kinda mean.
Its like all there lives I took csre of them no mstter what and now I need help and they don't want to help. They want me back the way I was doing all the things I do, and I can't right now.
I guess thats why people are supposed to have 2 parents right?
It gave me alot of time to reflect on my life and the choices I have made along the way, and I am not very happy with myself right now.
You are on the right track to use these feelings to make changes--first yes you have been a bit of a overgiver most your life and loved ones can get used to that and even can be resentful later on a day when you can't deliver because they NEED you too much--also children can be fearful of their parents mortality--getting older--and they already lost their dad and at times they become hardened and build walls against the pain. Most strong independant woman can relate as to being the strong one who always does for themselves suddenly puts them in a very lonely position when they need others! I see this as that turning point I predicted where you feel the urge to connect to others. You are just feeling vulnerable right now--it will pass and as I saw before something good will come of this and it will get better. Take care!
you are necer alone!
that's--you are NEVER alone--boy it was a long day! I'm tired!
WEll day 7 and things are getting alittle better. Today I got up and cleaned for the first time and feel pretty good.
According to my doctor I should be taking pain meds and sitting down all day, but can't do that anymore.
Ron is being very generous this month, paid me back for car insurance and gave me half of the money for Ty's new bat for his birthday. Wierd I don't know where he got money, but oh well Ill take it.
Last night my tv blew up and I have to get a new one today, can't sleep without it, I think too much whenit is quite in my room at night.
My sister has been such a blessing coming over every day to care for me and be here in case I need her, I am so blessed to have her.
Spending all this time relaxing has given me too much time to think and I feel like I will be alone without a man forever, but I guess that will be okay.
My kids are still being butts, but asgsin ok.
I feel a more relaxed energy coming from you. But I was sure all those feelings would pass. I as well hate down time--unfourtunetly if I don't allow for it--life will force it on me and it usually is not good! AND every mother will agree-as much as we love them kids will be butts! If they weren't then they'd be grown ups! I believe I told you in a past post that you would feel an energy shift around Valentine's. I still feel it. Stay feeling greatfull--as it will attract abundance on all levels. Happy mending! Until he gets the hang of the "new" you Ron will go back and forth between being a stubborn bully and a manipulating buttkisser. He's really so trying to figure you out now--that's good. He still wants his own way but so far you are surprising him with strength and self protection--you are not as easy anymore. Eventually, if he chooses in everyone's best interest to include everyone's best interest and be fair he will learn how to connect with other's feelings and as you remain firm in your new sense of expecting fairness and not letting the lonely factor weaken you or let neediness for him leave you open to his manipulation he will eventually get it--he has to play nice. Enjoy it but don't let your guard down--it's still playing out and he's still testing the waters. This year will be much reward from last years seeds--May will be specially nice! BLESSINGS
WEll so much for all the things I just wrote, I had my son move the big tv thst broke out of my rrom a little while ago.
It has sat for 10years on top of a hope chest my grandfasther made.
I was curious what we put in it and was excited to finally be able to look inside agsin as it has been so long.
Right on top was the first valentines day card Ron ever got me.
It has 2 penguins dancing and it still plays the song, you made me love you., I should have stopped there but deeper inside was the key we took from our honeymoon suite, and a bunch of other memories that hurt so bad that I am ready to go back to bed for the next 5 weeks like I am supposed to.. But I wont..
I wish I understood how he casn live without being surrounded by the memories we made and the love I believed we had.. Oh crap it hurts all over again
watergirl18 last edited by
I know this is difficult, but consider the possibility that Spirit blew up that TV...
The only way out is through...ignoring something that needs to be confronted by busying yourself with other activities and distractions only delays the inevitable and prolongs the painful period that occurs before you BREAK THROUGH to the other side.
The TV in your bedroom served as a distraction for you so you wouldn't have to be alone with your thoughts. Moving the TV forced you to confront something you need to work through so you can move forward in life. Don't get a new TV!!! Go back to bed and heal from your surgery!!! PURGE all the old emotional cra*p that is holding you back. Dig deep and go beyond Ron...what has this entire ordeal taught you about yourself?
Ask for strength and assistance from your Angels. You can do this!
HA HA HA--you reading my mind watergirl?--yes I agree but also felt it would fall on stubborn deaf ears right now--you go brave girl! It's amazing the distractions we will attach to to avoid our own company in the most intimate manner--been there--still on occasion do that--though rare as I'm just too aware now and bsides life will give me that wack if I ignore down time and that wack is never painless! Uselly some painful stay put accident--a bad fall--an illness a broken vehical or favourite distraction--broken as if Spirit kicked it good! No--easier to just be mindful. You are wise watergirl and almost Valentines! Hmmm---something is around the queen's lovely corner! BLESSINGS--in red!
watergirl18 last edited by
Had an interesting dream last night, but will have to post it later...gotta run!
i hope you find peace...blmoon is so right on about everything she is saying about that man how he is feeling and why he is doing what he is doing
i just got out of a similar situation with someone who thought he could have his cake and eat it too and he will not own up to his own role in our situation either
he wants to continue to blame me for finding out what was going on contacting the other person and telling her the truth and making my own mind up to walk away
men like that are selfish narcissistic sociopaths as they feel they are untouchable but once someone sees past their facade they do nothing but lash out instead of dealing with what they have done or the pain and misery they have caused
it's soooo funny because it has been four months now and he still contacts me with his negativity and bs...in one breath he is half-azz apologizing in the next he is still casting blame on me...basically for finding out about him and walking away
i am trying to learn to not respond but i must admit it still bothers me he won't take responsibility for his actions...i know he will be dealt with though
the differenece in our situations is you do still have to deal with him in some ways as he is the father to your children but know as long as you stay strong you will make it through this
being betrayed is never fun...but as bl says do not back down you are on the right path and the right person will eventually find you
peace and blessings to you nancy you are not alone!!!
i wanted to thank you for everything you said to me and love everything you have told nancy as i believe in almost every reading you give it pertains to so many of us and if more people would pay attention they could see themselves/ their situations in the readings you give
you are truly a blessing to us all
as you can see i did wind up leaving him...i couldn't handle the lies and deceit i found out about
but on a lighter note my niece is well and she is home on leave...i will be seeing her soon
she just turned 21 and we are going to vegas to celebrate while she is home
i have been sitting and waiting patiently like you told me i needed to and i think things are about to pick up...i am applying to grad school and i feel everything is about to work out
i am sooooo excited bcuz i feel i am getting closer to that non- profit working with teens...i can't wait!!!
although i am still not sure what is going to happen on the job front...i am still optimistic
i did meet a couple of different men one within that six month time frame you gave me...i don't think he is the one..but we did have fun
another i met more recently talks a good game but i am not sure he is all that sincere...both cancers
and still the pack of ex'x still trying to come back ...still not sure what's up with all that...but i am staying open like you suggested
i hope you had a chance to see my messages to you under "my niece is being deployed to afghanistan"
the advice you have given me and many others is priceless and i am just glad you haven't gotten tired of all of us yet
thank you thank you for everything bl
i hope your twenty- eleven is going well
continue having a healthy prosperous one
peace and blessings to you and yours
if you get a chance i think suramya has been trying to reach you as she has some health concerns ....so sorry to use your thread nancy to relay this but i know you two (bl/suramya) have had a correspondence in the past
and she seems concerned about whatever is going on with her
have a great weekend all !!!!
Took all your advise and did the no tv thing, went to bed with mythoughts nd dreams and tried to find peace.
I dream of him every time I shut my eyes.
He is home, with no coming home, jusy here, and I ask how he got here, and he says he just came home. I ask if he is staying and he takes me in his arms and says I don't know.
What a truthful dream! Uncertainty really s ucks! It really is not all on your end--the letting go but not quite--it is true he never really made that deciscion to let you go--it was more a concequince--and he is not used to acountability--you changed the rules.--in fact had you not said ENOUGH he would go on just fine having you there and her. So he got a situation he did not plan for at all---how disconnected can one be? Uncertainty is torturing him as well--you both got into a mutual habit of distractions to hide behind and not deal with the symptoms of your marriage being ill. Truth is he has not let you go--and you know that yet it also tempts you so you push it away. You know you feel different vibes from him at his whim and it messes with your resolve to leg go yourself--it's the same old keep you hanging on--but now it's at a distance! He is very confused now as his whole life has changed and he is no longer in control. A part of you wants him to come back but really a part of you knows better and expects the same old pain. He has to change. He has to understand why he thought having two women was acceptable. He has to start feeling. I pick up that this is now happening--he's feeling emotions that have been bottled up most his life and you must try and distance that tie you have so this doesn't end up you rescuing him too soon before it becomes a fair desicion not a need. You had to walk and crawl through your own pain to get this far in your healing and he has to face his as well and he is only just beginning and it will go up and down. If he thinks you're still available to fall back on he will use that to avoid his pain. Just like you had to go on as if yes he is gone for good he must as well go it alone with himself. He will regret--he will ask for forgiveness. This cannot happen unless he KNOWS he lost you. Forgive him in your heart and keep planning life as if he is never coming back--you must let go to receive what you truely are looking for and it is not in the past--you dwell on golden moments which is grief but remember the not so golden moments--how you stayed so busy giving giving giving and staying busy just to ignore the real pain of betrayal and emotional neglect. Mix your romantic memories with some reality because that's what your inviting back if you except him as is. It's time for a more social life--connect with a group of others--take an evening class or join something. BLESSINGS! You really are about to see the light and close to freedom. Promise!
I don't know where you get your information, but it is so wierd the things you know. I am so grateful to have you remind me of the things I should know.
I believe he wouldn't have left if I hadn't found out, but we would have never been okay as long as he was doing what he was doing.
I believe he knows that he will never again find what we had, or be able to replace his family with the things he chooses to occupie his time.
I know part of him still loves me just by the fact that he hasn't signed the divorce papers and he still pays me more than he has too.
I know you are right about me remembering to golden moments and not thinking about the bad is just hurting me more, but I need to find I reason to belive he misses me too.
He is stubborn and I can't see him ever saying he was wrong, it is more like him to just try and forget and keep filling his life with lies and fake feelings.
You say you know he will regret and you say you know his health is going to be an issue, all that scares me, I can't stand the waiting any more, I wish there was a magic pill I could give him so he could look into his soul and not waste what we could have had.
I do believe in you and what you see, how many more years will it take? and will he be okay? will I?
The waiting can be less painful if you stop waiting--just live your life as full as possible but more in a giving way towards your own needs. After your surgery you got that nudge--how waiting for others to take care of you was not going to happen as it stands--your sons are too immature and treading water themselves through this--you need to cultivate giving friends--not needy ones but ones who give you space yet if you really need them they are there for you--independant yet nurturing friends--it is time to attract new people into your life. I warned you about Ron's health not to scare you but to advise you to not jump in and fix him---he needs his reality check and really will be evaluating the same issues you faced after surgery--who can you depend on to be there for you. How can he apreciate that need--h took your loyalty for granted. I think he escaped into a afair that has not passed the marriage test yet--a lot of fantasy distractio that has little to do with real life. I don't see her ready for that reality either--she is intense--aggressive and in his state of numbness she made him feel alive but in a superficioul way, It is why some people behave recklessley or attract drama--just to FEEL something but it does not solve his problem of why he stopped feeling and disconnected from true intimacy with family--with himself. He found it safe--safe with you--who he thought he knew--his safety net and his other woman who forced him to feel alive yet no responsabilty. Now responsabilty is in the picture---there affair is no longer that simple and as he gets more and more of that in his face it will start making sense. The aggressive part of her that made him feel something will also be the undoing because she is not as tolerable as you and she is not a homemaker. She is selfish--but so is he. She tells him what to do constantly---harps a lot and she has an out--she still is holding on to another man. Actually, in a Karmic way she will treat him at times as he has treated you--that turn it on and off detachment. His health issues I do not see as fatal--just stress related and part of aging--it will scare him and wake him up some. There is a chance he will except counseling---it will be presented to him and if it does come up then you can maybe influence him--but he's kinda live day by day kinda guy---so expect lots of ups and downs with him--that's why you need to be connected to a busy life hat feeds your spirit otherwise over the next 6 months he could set you back with changing his mind from pulling you to him then being angry and irritable. I see the next six months as the worst of it for him----she knows how to manipulate him but he is a manipulater himself so he needs to get that. I feel 8 months will be the breakingpoint between them. I remember in the past seeing next Christmas as important for you so that sounds about right. BUT avoid living your life waiting for him---you must not need him and your choice must be a healthy one and he must feel the full concequinces of his choices. He has to feel you are lost to him and to get you back he must know how to change--otherwise nothing will change. This is not just about your marriage--this about your soul purpose here! Your children are nearing adulthood--you've been wife and mother but really--you need to find your bliss and sense of purpose outside that. That is your goal right now. Get out there and have some adventure and be a woman with a life--not just a wife and mom. BLESSINGS
I have a very expensive ipod my son Drew got me for my birthday. He ingraved the back with a saying for me and I love it.
I haven't loaded it with music yet, but I have a few games I like to play on it and in my recovery I have kept it in the candy dish next to my recliner with my glasses so I can play.
I never move it and no one else in my family would move it as they all have there own.
Last night Trev had 4 friends over, Ty had 6 I cooked dinner for everyone, went to bed easly so they could watch movies and my ipod is gone.
I have looked everywhere did someone take it.