Master numbers & life path conflict
I wasn't sure how to describe this in one line / subject line.
Wow, there's so much I could say it's unbelievable, so much I could write, but I'm very tried of writing. To put it incredibly briefly, it's been a not nice past - I've grown so much I'm sure because of this and the discoveries in terms of changing my attitude and my thinking and in turn changing my life, discovering the true nature of cause and effect - cause within, effect without, not the other way around, has been staggering.
My own growth has been very slow I think, possibly because of a lack of trust in the process from past rejections and disappointments etc, I'm not sure.
The awareness is there and it's as if the cup has filled to the brim, it's now just a matter of really running with it and living it, but on the other side, the feelings of terror and absolute desperation are overwhelming.
This is something I was writing to my housemate, Silke, who's birthday is also on a double figure, 22 August. I really don't hold too strongly to numbers, astrology, etc etc, but I do find them interesting. My mom hung herself ... which is why I write about her below as well:
That master number stuff there - the 22 August, your rough past and what I see in you, you've DEFINITELY chosen a more difficult and more meaningful path. If there's anything I'm sure of it's that. It's balancing the negative and the positive sides, that's it - the fact that I find that "difficult" to do I think for me may have something to do with a lack of trust in this process, maybe because of past disappointment, that somewhere inside myself I've "given up" and don't feel that things can change, and again that's not hanging onto the past, it's just there ..it's deep seated stuff that takes many years to work through. It's the rawness of life that I feel, just like my mom did - like I'm moving through life without a skin, feeling every single thing, every situation, every thought and feeling, penetrating me so deeply, just waking up in the morning and noticing that I'm here, another day, the hardness and responsibility in that, some days worse than others, this sheer feeling of absolute terror, like I'm outside of my body and all I can feel is this deep image of my arms wide open, this gut wrenching feeling of absolute surrender to it all. The monotony and then the absolute boredom of the routine in every day. And often the feelings are so intense it's like this uncomfortableness is seething under my skin, a feeling of wanting to shake it the off and get out of it so desperately. I see the daylight, the walls around me, my thoughts, my body, all of it and think 'what is this!??' - what an obscure, strange and weird trip this is! And one might think 'Yes but you've got some fundamental base, something that holds you there'. No! The only thing is hope and trust on a very thin thread, and what I've seen and come to know, my own growth in the last 15 yrs or so. Pema Chodron was saying that people have this idea of a spiritual path as finding serenity and bliss, that it's anything but that, the movement it TOWARDS that and to thrive ON that day to day, but the path is anything but peaceful. You come up against lessons and trials that push you to your absolute limit. And it's responding (not reacting) to that which I think is the thing.
But those feelings of terror and panic to it's absolute limit are far far too overwhelming and push me straight into feelings of suicide, almost like an emotionally reaching from inside myself, always this strange feeling of heaviness at the very front of my head, my chest/heart has this feeling of urgency all the time, and all I can do is just balance with this as much as I can, I do even find it difficult to focus on not engaging in it. But no, I try not to tear at the seams and externalize it. It's almost like a waiting game I'm playing, feeling that this is all I can really give.
Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be a negative post, I'm generally quite light hearted, I think these feelings have become second nature to me, but they're still incredibly difficult.
Dean, 38, Cape Town, South Africa
You are only considered a Master number if your whole birthdate adds up to 11, 22, 33 etc. It's not just about the number of the day but the month and year too.
If you give me your full date, I can look into your personality, life purpose and what's coming this year.
Interesting .. the full date of birth is 11 January 1973
Add's to 23. It's interesting how many of us place such emphasis on numerology, astrology, tarrot etc, when I feel there is more in heaven and earth than can possibly be imagined. I think this is why I have an incredibly distant and vague interest in these things, but certainly don't feel swayed by any readings for 'forecast' in this sense ..
I see them as clues given by the Universe to help us understand ourselves better.
Many Capricorns find it hard to let go of control because they believe that if they leave everything to God or fate, they might lose everything. That's why they can never relax completely. A quick look at your individual profile suggests you have a deep need to be heard, listened to, and understood but if you make this into an obsession, you may defeat your purpose of proving your integrity and intelligence and just appear crazy to others. A fear of looking foolish or stupid holds you back from a full expression of your spirit.
I have to go now but I will look into your profile in more depth when I have the time.
Is there any area of your life or personality you were particularly wanting me to focus on? Something that is causing you pain or confusion?
Hi .. thanks for that
I think the main concerns in my life are around my anxiety and a lack of direction work wise, and relationships.
Without sounding self-pity'ish or negative, my life is a constant series of very intense struggles and desperation, it seems there's some deeper purpose which I have to meet or it will not flow, which yes, as you mentioned, surrendering and letting go of the reigns, which I constantly strive for.
FA, your life purpose is to make a commitment to your unusual thinking or way of doing things by articulating it and bringing it to the attention of a broader audience. Highly observant, you have a unique talent for seeing things in a different way, and your resulting opinions and insights are always original. Often your singular viewpoints are brilliant, but you may keep your quirkier observations and thoughts to yourself for fear of being viewed as strange. There will be struggle but, if you can learn to be more secure in your approach and make a commitment to doing things your way, you will be propelled to the heights of career and personal success. With patience and determination, you will achieve the recognition you so sorely desire. Your core lesson is to overcome the fear of rejection or humiliation and lose your attraction to the darker side of life. Your goal is to dare to be different, using your gifts of broadmindedness, financial astuteness, resourcefulness, and resolve.
You may find your principal spiritual challenges revolving around issues of tolerance of both yourself and others. Your attraction to the unusual, the mysterious, and even the downright bizarre may manifest in all sorts of love-hate relationships in which you seek to dominate, control or own another's 'magic' without having fully developed your own. Yet, when you learn to honour your own eccentric streak and to love the outrageous in yourself and others, you will undoubtedly have an easier time of this life journey. You must also face the challenge of healing the scars of any childhood repression. Cultivating flexibility, fairness, and just plain fun will be important. As you learn to release the need to take yourself so seriously, you will lose your anxiety, realise your tremendous power and potential, and find wonderful rewards in almost any area of endeavour you might choose.
At your core, FA, you are a retiring quiet individual who lives in his own little world - sometimes you need to be shaken up, have your desire aroused, and gain the courage to go for the goal. Professionally you may work for a period of time at quite insignificant jobs where you try to appear normal or are able to hide from the world but, once you leave your shyness and fears behind, you can move forward and up with no regrets. What you are really seeking is an environment in which to feel safe, protected, cared for and doted on - a place where you feel you truly belong. To achieve this, you must be willing to let go of the idea that one special person or a group of people can provide it just because you think you need it. You must take charge of creating what you need for yourself. By pursuing a goal that energizes you or by finding a set of principles that builds your self-respect, you will develop feelings of belonging in whatever circumstances you find yourself. You need to find a focus beyond your scattered emotional needs and those of the people around you, and to lose your emotional dependence on and need to be cared for, because it can lead you on a neverending search for outer security. You can never get enough reassurance from others to feel safe or gain the security you think you need to be a capable adult and take charge of your life. Thus, the taking charge bit must come first - then the inner security will follow.
Your life partner will need to be extremely tolerant of your need to spend most of your time with friends or colleagues who share or understand your unusual points of view. Your best partner will be a very accepting and open individual since you need to feel completely safe before you reveal your more eccentric side. Any hint of disapproval can cause you to scurry back to your friends and colleagues for comfort. Your partner must have the patience to draw you out and to encourage you to talk about what you think in an effort to help you articulate better. A committed relationship will provide the arena for you to work through issues of cooperation with yourself and others. You may feel that travelling alone through life without responsibilities or having to compromise is real freedom and independence, but all you will find this way is isolation. You in fact limit your own freedom by believing that it is everyone else who is holding you back. Once you realise you are the writer and director of your own life movie, you can stop resenting others and find more freedom in cooperation than in reactive independence. You have difficulty revealing your feelings so in a relationship with someone you trust, you must find the courage to say what you feel, for your own good and the good of the relationship. The idea that if you tightly control yourself, you also control your life is pure bunkum. Control is fear. To be always holding yourself in from behaving freely is no doubt the cause of your anxiety. Just be who you are and relax. So what if others disapprove - it's not their life or happiness. You must also acknowledge the need for variety and adventure in your life and find a way to fulfill this desire with a partner in a committed relationship.
What is best for you is recognition, but not generally by the public at large. You need professional approval and acknowledgment by your peers that your work, methods and concepts are of top quality. But ultimately you will become suspicious of compliments and will come to rely on your own inner judgment for self-approval. Career-wise, you excel at being the boss - so management, public speaking, politics, and entrepreneurship are all good choices for you. You have finely honed empathic skills which make you aware of others' feelings. Thus your sensitivity encourages your employees to assist you with goodwill and enthusiasm. You thrive in goal-oriented professions or positions that enable you to use your sensitivity to lovingly organize others to work toward a specific objective. You do well in a career that allows you the variety and adventure you crave and lets you explore the many facets of experience - careers such as writing, teaching, acting, music, or any jobs that involve travel and meeting a variety of people. With so many talents, you can do almost anything. But you must also have a safe secure home base to return to after your travels in the world and, when you finally come into your full confidence, you will in the end trade security for adventure. With your quick wit, you can usually find or create money when you need it and stay at least one step ahead of any creditors.
Thank you 'TheCaptain'. That's really interesting, I've saved it to read through again.
A few more big bumps in the road recently, feeling quite sore, can't write more for now, but thank you for that : )
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