Unable to make closure or be friends



  • I was engaged to a younger man a long time ago, and it didn't work out for many reasons, so we 'broke' up. Now he is married with children, and lives far away, but in the fall he came to visit and we saw each other briefly. The instant we got together and started to talk it was as if no time had passed by at all. The emotions on both sides were very intense, and saying goodbye was difficult. Since then I have been missing him terribly. We have e-mailed a bit to each other, and now he is coming back again in the spring to visit, and wants us to meet again. Although I want to see him I feel conflicted because my feelings for him are still so powerful, and I'm afraid of going through the pain of separation when he leaves again. I'm not sure what's going on with him, but I think he feels very strongly too about us. His birthday is 1/13/1966 and mine is 11/07/1949. Any help with this would be greatly appreciated.



  • Please do not contemplate getting involved with a man with a wife and children who lives far away - it never turns out well. You will lose all your self-respect and self-esteem and end up with nothing. Would you settle for an illicit affair where he only sees you when he hasn't got anything else on with his family? Remember the reasons you broke up with him before and put aside everything else. There is no good that can come of repeating the past and that is what this would be. You two do share a physical passion but have difficulty reaching any deep emotional understanding because you are very different. Both of you tend to keep your true feelings to yourself and your relationship has no doubt encountered bottlenecks of repression. Remember that there were probably as many negative feelings as positive ones in the former relationship.

    I think you are just feeling lonely and vulnerable.



  • Thank you for your help. I forgot to mention that he is moving back to the area I live in this summer, and expects to be able to see me. We also are in the same profession, which makes things even harder. How do I get closure on this? Any help would be greatly appreciated.