Confussed



  • We have been dating for over a year and a half, he tells me a week and a half ago that he needs time to deal with some problems in his life. I fear that he is dating his ex again. We all work at the same place, those two, the same shift, I'm on an opposite. She has recently been giving dirty looks and so forth. She is married. He said he loves me and is, in love with me, but no longer tells me. He is a Libra. PLEASE, HELP



  • Rose1210,

    You say you have been dating for a year and a half. Do you not trust him? Do you not think he was qenuine in his feelings for you. He may just have to work out old feelings like you said, not to take away from his feelings for you. If you are feeling insecure talk to him about it before your fears take hold and you accuse him of something he hasn't done. If you are in a relationship you should never fear expressing yourself..Just say I feel, instead of you make me feel ..that takes your fears out of it...

    As for the other woman maybe she's giving you dirty looks because she can't get him back, maybe he's stated his feeling to her about you and she doesn't like it.

    Don't jump to conclusions give him the benefit of doubt, maybe he needed time to deal with this and was trying to protect you by pushing you away for a while. Men are strange creatures, hence men are from mars , women from venus.

    Just be patient and let him now it's ok and you love him...



  • It gets deeper. I get these phone calls telling me things that "they" have done, that they have been together and so on. I tell him about them because he will ask what is wrong. He always reassures me that he has not done nor is he. I always reminded him I trust him full heartedly.

    I have never loved another like I love him and have never been deeper in love or "in love' I guess, because they way we were was so amazing. Never have I been more comfortable with another. Never believed in soul mates until we came together.

    I have reassued him that I do love him and am still deeply in love with him, but acts if he does not want to hear it.

    I'm scared! Scared to never be together again, but do not express those feelings to him just try to keep positive and smile when I do see him.



  • Who are the phone calls from..Friends of yours or hers..Maybe their just starting s***. I get that if he is pulling away it's because he feels your insecurities or maybe guilty..I don't know...

    One thing is for sure you said he's a soul mate..They come in many forms..men, women ,friends. They are in our life to teach us life lessons, they can hurt us, they can help us and they can guide us. Do not get so wrapped up in BEING IN LOVE that you loose yourself.

    True love should bring you joy and peace.



  • Phone calls, guessing from her friends, they never disclose who they are.

    Makes food for thought. Thank you very much. Talk to you soon



  • Does your gut really ache?? It sounds as though it does....and to me I would interpret something isn't quite right....Is he abusing your trust? Or is it the ex making you feel uncomfortable? Are they unnecessarily flirting? Is it possible for him to change shifts/jobs ....having his ex girlfriend working alongside him isn't really healthy for your relationship...

    I wouldn't express feelings that you are scared to never be together again to him...you will sound weak,needy & will make it easier for him to misuse your trust & love. I would however tell him that your trust in him is wavering because of things you are hearing and witnessing and tell him that his flirtations are upsetting you. Ask him whether he is truly still in love with you...ask him to tell you the truth. It will be hard and the truth may hurt you....but a relationship needs to be 100% truthful and he shouldn't deny you that.



  • actually, if the calls are from "anonymous" people then it may very well be his ex stirring up trouble. You still need to have a heart to heart on this though. She may be trying to split you up so she can date him instead or just in spite....even so, I think your boyfriend should take your fears seriously .



  • They do not work beside one another, but his position, he can move about, come and go as he pleases and be where he wants when he wants.

    I don't beg him for answers and when I was out and about this past weekend, he was a little off beat, but helping friends and family himself.

    He acts differently towards me when she is closer and at first I took it as, so called, "not rubbing it in her face" which I'm cool with.

    I don't call him, I wait for him to call me, I don't drive by his house or stalk or ask "what you doing, where you going, how long" sort of stuff. I go about my business, salk in my own self pitty in the privacy of my own home and stay true to myself in the since of not going out with others, I'm not interested anyways, I truely love this man and wish to be with him.

    He will still come outside and talk to me in the mornings while we smoke (no lectures please onthe smoking),m we email shorty short emails in the a.m. but nothing over bearing or emotional, no I love yous or miss yous.

    I just want to shake him and tell him to talk and let me know one way or the other, because this is killing me inside.



  • She very did that, we all work together one day a week with al lthe cut backs and such in all jobs right now, and the one day I was working with his sister and was talking in general concern of the jealous feelings I was having, which I have never had jealouy issues with anyone one else that I had been with and Lord knows those ones gave me reasons, but she ran back and told him everything I said (her and I, I thought we were friends) and so he said he does not need that stuff at work, I understand that, but she (the ex) was doing anything in her power to get my goat.

    I had told him about the feelings before he dicussed the split up (because of his issues as he put it) and he just didn't say anything. He is not much on expressing himself unless he has tipped a few, and he does not do that often.

    He says we will talk, but it's been almost two weeks.



  • I got this years ago form a news paper..It helps me in times of doubt..maybe it will help you..

    LOVE OR INFATUATION

    Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another. Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows--one day at a time.

    Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

    Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you-- to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his presence, even when he is away. Miles do not seperate you. You want him nearer. But near or far, you know that he is yours and you can wait.

    Infatuation says, " we must get married right away. I can't risk losing him".

    Love says, "be patient. Don't panic. He is yours. Plan your future with confidence".

    Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you will admit it is difficult to be in one another's company unless you are sure it will end in intimacy. Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

    Infatuation lacks confidence. When he's away, you wonder if he's cheating. Sometimes you even check.

    Love means to trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. He feels that trust, and it makes him even more trustworthy.

    Infatuation might lead you to do things you'll regret later, but love never will.

    Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.



  • That's what you should do then - Shake him and tell him to talk !!!

    You've been dating a year and a half .....why has he stopped telling you that he loves you? Even after years of marriage, my husband and I tell each other "I love you" every day ,several times a day actually and always when we text each other (often abbreviated to ILY) and email when we're at work....

    You need to communicate with each other and perhaps you need to recharge your relationship...do you tell him you love him or miss him when you email? If not, surprise him!

    Maybe all that's happening is a mild case of flirtation that may need to be nipped in the bud...look at ways to revitalise your relationship...flirt outrageously with him yourself! Perhaps you should call him and suggest a night out together or something....surprise him!!



  • I have told him I loved him in emails and nothing in return.

    It went from every converstaion ending in I love you to nothing at all.

    I need to get him alone and thats hard to do, because we have not been at each others house in two weeks now. Not sure how long it takes to work some things out, but it is truely killing me.

    He is going away for work with the owner starting tomorrow and I wanted to talk before that, but not going to be able to happen. Hoping when he gets back things will be changed. I can only pray and keep my fingers crossed.

    I want to give him his space and time, but at the same time, I don't want him to think I'm "all the way" done.



  • Hi Rose, He is the one that said he needed time. Listen to that. The interpretation is open. If it was me, I would interpret as not a good sign. He is choosing the wrong path if indeed he is w/the ex and she's married. He's being ambiguous because he doesn't want to hurt you or be confronted. The easy way out is to escape. He might be thinking that he'll see what happens w/her meaning he's also non-commital w/ her. So, you both are in the same boat . Heck, I would let him know that you are just fine w/that. The next prank call you get say, SO! and hang up. I just don't trust this scenario. Don't be surprised if he's carrying stories about you to her. Takes two to tango. Don't be part of this dance.



  • Fair enough Rose....at least he'll be away from his ex - its not the owner is it ?!!! LOL.

    There is only so much time and space....try and collar him when he gets back and hopefully the time away will give you both time to reassess your relationship truthfully.. As I say, I think you've got a gut feeling something isn't quite right - he may not be cheating - it may just mean that your relationship needs revitalising . You need to discover the cause in order to move on in this relationship....whether you stay together or whether you part. It may be that his ex is stirring things and he isn't responding....he may be annoyed at your insecurities but he needs to reassure you and withdrawing his declaration of love for you as he has done recently isn't very reassuring, I must say.



  • I have of confronting her, but can not do that sort of thing at work, because of my position at the company, to see what is really going on, but then again, do I dare tread those waters and just try to be patient and as far as the phone calls, saying is putting it mild to what I have said to them. And it's not like we are fresh out of high school or even college for that point, I'm to old for games.

    I have thought maybe he is after the "chase, hunt" with her, being a man and all, but at the same time, if you are done with "game hunt" then kill and be done, please. I hope and pray that is not the case, but...



  • he is such a hard one to read.

    He shows concern in regards to me getting enough sleep and so forth, like i said before, i let the phone ring, i don't call him, but as far as the I love yous, that hurts.

    Hoping that things will be different when he returns, and no..lol..it's not the owner..

    I need to go, thank you guys and I will chat again later or tomorrow.



  • darya, I love that article, it is so true! rnrchick, as always I agree with you.

    Now Rose, I can tell you from experience he is hiding something from you, no human being suddenly, "Needs Time" for no reason. I think rnrchick is right, he may not have crossed the line yet, but, that's not the point. You are in pain and does not care. I would be furious, if someone was rolling their eyes at my need for re-assurance and comfort. I hate to tell you this, but I definitely think this is about another female and his feelings for her are questioning his feelings for you.

    If I were you I would let him know that two weeks if far to long to go during a break withough any communication. It makes your head spin with worry (I don't thing you sould tell him that). I would however tell him two weeks is too long. Explain to him that you need to protect yourself and your heart, and you are going to stop all this back and forth with him that leaves you broken. Then I would stick to it, you can tell him you love him and it just hurts to much to feel him pulling away the way he is, and in order to be able to get back to who you are, and to understand your value in the world again, You also must pull away.

    I know it kills you to even consider what I have suggested, but beleive me, if you really do stick to it, not contact at all, you will discover the problem much quicker than with all this beating around the bush. Prepare yourself, sometimes things just don't work put the way we want. This relationship does not define you, it used to enhance you, but now it torments you. Gather all your strength and stay away from him. If there is any chance of him coming to his senses it will only happen through him experiencing what it feels like to lose you.



  • I wouldn't bother confronting her, to be honest. I would ignore the calls from now on too...

    You need to sort out your relationship with your man. He may be innocent of cheating...but he may be trying to get out of this relationship with you...trying not to hurt you by avoiding you and not responding lovingly towards you. Or he may just be feeling down and needs boosting and not realised fully that you are hurting....

    Nothing you can do until he gets back. Be patient. Have a good talk. Decide on your future. Love hurts whatever your age and games are played even when you're older than 40....!!!

    I hope he is innocent and that things get back on track for you, I really do. Lots of love.



  • Well if he's being honest, and he really does need time to deal with family troubles or something, then you are messing up big time!

    I really hate it and have ended several relationships over this kind of thing. I tell you I need some extra time to deal with things, let you know I'm going to be busy, and you don't trust me. consequently I end up dealing with more crap, when my significant other is supposed to be one I can tell, hey, I need some space, and it be ok. It ALWAYS turns into 'who are you messing around with' which is just plain insulting.

    I've read much of what you've written here, and I don't know where you live, but is it just that small of a place that you are all on top of each other like this every day?

    I also think you are playing right into the X's hands.

    She messes with you, and you just mess your relationship up more and more, until he's not sure who you are... and who do you think will be waiting to 'comfort' him in his time of need?

    You know your actions can drive people away just as easily as draw them to you.

    I agree with much of what Myviewpoint is saying, but in the same respect if you've been stirring up trouble and drama for you man, it may not be that he doesn't care about your needs or concerns, but that all he sees is your jealousy and insecurity (especially if he hasn't really done anything.) He may be thinking you don't love him enough, and so doesn't feel abliged to return it.

    You definately need to talk, but first and foremost you need to put yourself in check and stop feeding the drama around you. Don't discuss anything with anyone else you haven't already talked to him about, how would you feel, if you were getting second hand information like that...

    wait, we know how you would feel..ie phone calls.

    I would pull away too, if I told you I needed time, and this was what followed...

    I am by no means saying I could not be wrong, but it seems to me you are letting people push you into deciding what he is doing, and so you may be doing your own brand of pushing him away by watering the seeds his X has planted for you...

    Either you trust HIM or you don't. If you trust him then stop worrying about who he's sleeping with, and worry about what HE is feeling. When was the last time you sat down and asked him what he is feeling, and put your own stuff aside long enough to listen?

    I would say smothered my be the first word out of his mouth, if he were going to be honest with you...

    Asking for time was not wrong and he may have needed it, but what in your actions may have brought the situation to this point?

    Always remember the X never wants to see you happy together, and judge her actions accordingly. My best advice, ignore her... they hate that, and sit down and have a heart to heart with your man, find out where you really stand.



  • Hi again, You have given no indication that you were threatened or jealous of the ex. I don't think that you are being presumptuous. From what you said, he did a 360. I would use this opportunity as YOUR OUT. I know it hurts because you did not expect this. Think into the future a bit. Abandonment of feelings and love doesn't sound good. Especially if he knows you will tolerate this. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start anew.