Watergirl, I'm missing the the whole detachment gene

  • I don't want to take advantage of your time so I do understand if you'd like to move along from this one. I wrote a little more on my original post you helped me with. If you have a chance to look back at my recent posting and if you have any tips or words.

    It's just basicallly...is this realistic for me to stay in contact with this man who said he can't be with me? He says he likes me but doesn't know why he can't be in a relationship. I wrote a letter as you suggested. No response required and he responded that he'd like to stay in contact but knew it would be delicate. I replied that it would best for now to just talk or e-mail but i'd have to think about it some more and that I wished him well. I did not ask for anything else. No further communication. No response. Since then, I've received a few unsolicited contacts from him. A phone call (which I missed and he left no message so i didn't respond) and then a a text message the next day saying he wasn't ignoring me just stressed out and hoped i was doing well. These contacts get my hopes up and I'm supposed to stay detached! Ack. How do i do that? These contacts from him may mean nothing. Just lonely or bored and I'm trying to read meaning into them. Detachment is difficult. Any wise words? I'd love to hear. i really do like this man a lot though. Obviously. I wouldn't want to stay in contact otherwise. Is it realistic though when i really want a different type of relationship with him? I know this is my lesson. letting go and having faith isn't it?

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  • Thank you so much Watergirl. You're absolutely right. Also just read the Captain's post about loving someone too much. Seems relevant here. I have a gut feeling that he isn't going to be calling or contacting a whole lot more for now anyway...until he works through his "issues". He knows me well enough by now (I believe) to know what I wouldn't accept so that's why I'm surprised he even tried calling and sending a message earlier this week....so soon after breaking up. It did give me hopes that he had a change of heart. BUT, I'm working hard to focus on other things and I will set clearer boundaries if he DOES try again. I truly don't want to be with him if he isn't willing to be committed to me at this point.

    Thanks again for your support and words. So helpful. xx

  • PS. Watergirl. I hate to ask. I think I can handle it at this point. Do you think this guy ever had any intention of working toward something committed with me as he had said? I still don't understand how he could have allowed such involvement with me if he was having doubts the whole time. Did he just decide he didn't like me enough and that's why he got out? One minute he was suggesting that we might even be living together in a few months and meeting my family for the holidays and then a few days later he just bails and said the relationship felt false. Ugh!!! Detach. Detach. 😉

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  • Thanks so much Watergirl. You've been wonderful and I needed to just let your message sink in before continuing to write more and more. I'm finally ready to put this one behind me. I know better (logically) than to let this stuff get me in a tizzy but emotions are powerful and can make you (me) a little nuts! 🙂 I understand what you mean and will NOT wait for this person. It IS hard to let go of that false sense of control but I finally told him my boundaries the other night as he persisted in calling me for no apparant reason. I need to move on and can't do so unless he is no longer in my head. I told him if he was ever ready...then maybe he could contact me down the road and if I am available.... Anyway, it felt good to draw some lines in the sand and I was really thinking of your advice and also Salient's as I said it. You two helped enormously. No one is worth putting my life on hold for. Thank you again so much. I really appreciate the time you've put into helping me. I'll also look at your thread.

    Lots of love and hope all is well with you,


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