How do i get out unhurt

  • hellooo...

    Needing a little help.....I always agree with my cards but as I am a newly beginner, I am sooo stuck.

    Im in a rut of a relationship, it has always been pretty volitile, but I am now ready to get out. I wish I could just up and leave or he would but I know when I say it is over, all hell is going to break loose. Ive been in a bad position with him before years ago, split for a yearandtook him back, but I am now definetly ready to seperate, i have my children to think about.

    I keep getting a decision card.....but I dont know what to do.

    Any feelings you have on this post would bea great help 🙂

    Thank You

    Sarah, Edinburgh x

  • When you say "how do I get out unhurt" are you meaning emotionally, financially, ...., or physically? This needs to be clear before anyone responds.

  • emotionally definetaly and possibly physically


  • miss-h,

    You are already hurt and hurting emotionally. No one can save you from that and you will be hurting for some time while you heal from this relationship. I understand it all to well as I was in your shoes for 2.5 years. In the end when I refused his last pleas he tried to kill me. My guy was a real Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekyl was the most amazing man I ever loved and still I miss him. Mr. Hyde was mean to say the least. This is what I learned.

    1. You cannot change him. He will not change. He is who he is.

    2. By staying with someone who is abusive I was teaching my children to sacrifice themselves and accept an abusive relationship. I decided I want more for my daughters and it was up to me to teach them that it is OK to love someone and let them go when they are unhealthy for you or them.

    3. Once a man has demonstrated that he is capable of physically harming you there is nothing but love for you stopping him from doing it again. Of course the problem is that when you fight the love goes out the window. But because he knows you are in the relationship he is less likely to cause maximum harm. When you tell him it is OVER that love disappears. Thus, all restraint disappears and you are in the greatest danger with him that you have ever been in. So if you truly think he will physically harm you things will need to be in place BEFORE you tell him it's over.

    4. If you own the home the two of you are in prepare to install an alarm system, line up a storage room for his stuff, movers to quickly step in and move his stuff, change the locks and lock the door, and file a restraining order. If you don't file a restraining order the police will grant him access even if you own it and his name isn't on it. By laws of tenancy he is entitled to notice unless you file the restraining order (known as ex parte at the courthouse). It is free to file the ex parte. Even with that he will be entitled to enter to collect personal belongings. That is why you need to be ready with moving his stuff out so there's nothing for him to search for. If you don't own the home, or it's an apartment then secure a home elsewhere and be prepared with movers to move your stuff during a time period you know he will not be there. Or, you can take claim to the apartment with the restraining order. However, it is less safe because the property management company will see his name on the lease and give him a key/access.

    5. If you share bank accounts quickly open yourself a new one and get ready to move 'your' funds simultaneously. Change all your passwords and verify his name is not on any credit card of yours and your credit card information isn't on any account of his such as ebay or amazon.

    6. Make sure the kids don't know what is happening until the day it all happens. Kids have a hard time keeping secrets and are easily manipulated even if they hate him.

    7. Do all of this simultaneously. Secure everything and make it all happen in a single day. Don't take anything that belongs to him and don't leave anything to get later. Then there won't be anything to fight about.

    8. THEN he can learn it is over by the locked doors and/or moved stuff thus no confrontation or angry outbursts. Or, you can tell him face to face by asking him to meet you in a public place with people nearby.

    9. NO CONTACT. Once you tell him it is over and his anger subsides he will become the good guy again and even drum up some tears for you, particularly the day before court for the restraining order. Mean people learn how to manipulate very well. And, even if he truly loves you it is important to realize that he is not healthy. If he physically harms you he has not matured enough to fully understand what love is. He just knows what he wants. To keep yourself from falling into the trap again NO CONTACT once you are separated.

    The decision card is telling you it's time. Be thorough, be swift, and be strong. And btw, you will love again and be loved. But that love can't come until you close this door behind you.

    Love and Safety to you!

  • Awww many thanks for that lovely reply.

    I know I can do this, I am just scared for the moment when it comes as I know he will get aggressive and abusive. He is exactly as you described jekyll and hyde and I always when out with friends describe him like that. I always hope for the new year to be my year, but I know that this year is definetly not going to be mines and I have my fingers crossed that next year will be.

    I know I have to choose my path and I know I have to make the decision to end this relationship, more so for the sake of my daughters.

    Just waiting for the strength that I shall desperately need to come along.

    Thank you again x

  • miss-h,

    You will only get weaker where you are. You have the strength and this IS your year. My oldest daughter truly suffered watching all of this happening and watching me die little by little. The me I was before him disappeared. Your daughters will tell you when he is gone. They don't feel safe to tell you now. Oh how I wish I could turn back time now that I know. Here's the sad part. Even after he tried to kill me I worried about HIM losing his job because he was in jail. You see we don't fully realize that we are victims until we escape.

    If your friends can see it too LISTEN. There is no perfect time other than SOON. I cannot describe to you how it feels to hold your babies when something like this is over and learn how afraid they were but didn't tell me because they wanted me to be happy, they were afraid I would get angry at them, they were afraid he would get angry at them, etc. Your daughters need you more than you know. Oh how I wish I had seen it, heard it, or had someone tell me like I am telling you now. Follow your instincts! If your instincts say run then RUN!

    On January 10th my daughters and I will have a private celebration. You see on January 10th a year ago I marked the calendar to give the relationship one year and I promised my friends that when that day come if nothing had really changed and I wasn't happy and safe then I would walk away no questions asked. Well 2010 proved to be the worst of all times and we didn't make it to January 10th. My oldest daughter had learned about the calendared day and has requested that we celebrate on the 10th because it is all over and we are on the path to healing again. Don't make 2011 your worst year. Make it your path to healing so you and your daughters can celebrate too.

  • I think this is what worries me, he will have nowhere to go etc, his work will suffer.......and I know I should not be thinking about this.

    I know that us being apart will be the best thing for the girls, theres no violence in the house apart from the odd argument which can get out of hand, and this all makes me feel small.

    I know my life would be so different and I a different person. I have great family and friends around and I know I can do this.

    My time will come. Many thanks for your inspirational words.

    I hope you and your daughters have a briliant celebration.x

  • hon, im going to make this short. instead of everything else why dont you take a little time and figure out why you are in this relationship what is it that keeps you with him and once you got that then everything else will fall into place.

  • Not for love, I know that!!

    I think I am just stuck in a rut to be honest and scared of the outcome once I finally reach the end.

  • miss-h,

    You'll be surprised how resourceful he will become when you stop taking care of him. Where he goes and his job is not your problem. He was fine before you and he will be fine after you.

    I must admit it feels odd being on this side of this conversation now. I said the same things when others told me to kick him out. I am a humanist and always believe in human potential and taking care of others and so on. I also have done loads of reading on this stuff and realized I was stuck in codependency. Funny because I am a totally independent person. But codependency sneaks up you. It's like a slot machine that pays off sometimes. He pays off and life is blissful so you keep investing and plugging those quarters in for another payoff. The payoffs become fewer and further in between but you've invested so much so far that you can't just walk away now...

    Well, I also know that no one can make a woman's decision other than herself. Just remember that you too were fine before you met him and you too will be find after.

    Another option is for the two of you to start really working on this with a little help. So I recommend 3 books to help. If you two can begin reading them together they can really help.

    The Five Languages of Love, The Five Languages of Apology, and Hold Me Tight.

    Communication is key. You may rekindle the love.

  • thank you very kindly salientliving...........your words mean so much 🙂

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