Happy NEW year Blmoon
I wanted to say that sooner, but right after Christmas I caught the flu so bad that today is the first day I am pretty sure I will be okay.
I have never been sicker in my life, fever, lost 10 more pounds, just the worst thing I have everf had.
I tried to take your advise and not think about them too much especiaslly when I am sick and weak, but I have been so down that it just creeps up on me.
The other night I went out to the hot tub to soak and feel better, and I decided to taske your advise and cut the cord that ties us. I shut my eyes and floated and saw a line and tried to cut it, I visiualized the nsissorsm cutting almosr trhough, but something kept stopping it. I got frusterated and sat up opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the star that Ron always called our star.
I don't know what that means, do you?
Also I have been dreaming of him every time I sleep. He is very far away and sometimes I think it is someone else and I wave and he smiles and as it gets closer I see it is him and I wake up.
I wish you would come back, I really could use your insight.
Today at work I was feeling really good, strong, like everything was going to be great.
And then Rons step moms sister saw me and came up and gave me a hug.
She said it is great to see you how are you?
I told her I am okay, but we don't understand why the whole family has shut us out, why the boys mean nothing to the family now that Ron and I aren't together.
She said she knew nothing and was surprised wwhen he showed up at Christmas with his girlfriend.
I asked if they looked happy, and she said she couldn't tell they stayed off by themselves ll night and it was kind of wierd for everyone.
I know I shouldn't care and that I can't let my mind go there yet it does. She is welcome in his family and me and the boys aren't.
Will he ever regret this and come back to me, if the answer is no, I can take it, but I can't keep praying and have nothing happen, it is driving me crazy.
Please be kind to yourself. Why go there/ Why imagine that picture? Choose love. You are projecting abandonment issues onto the family gathering--really what choice did they have? How awkward would it have been to invite you all--do not not think for a moment they aproved or enjoyed his new situation--actually they are confused and in the dark--he doesn't talk about it. Of course his family is loyal to him and unfortunetly they must choose. They do not like it at all. It's very awkward for them--have you called them? They are hoping it all blows over and really they are not sure at all about your roll in the family.To tell you the troop they just plain put it all out of their minds--are busy with life. Remember, you are still in the divorce stage and they just want to stay clear of that. The fact she came up to you and hugged--means something good--choose love not those ugly thoughts. If she had not cared at all she would have pretended not to see you! It will not always be like this--you are going through a divorce--family and friends tend to give that space--it is what it is--take offense and your back in victim mode--giving away your power. Have your pang of grief then get back to happy positive thoughts. You are loved. BLESSINGS
Yes it was nice to get a hug and be loved by someone from his family, but it did serve as a reminder that the rest of his family doesn't care about us.
Youn see I did call them all when this happened and said that we are and always will be family and I hoped they would keep in touch with the boys, and I was told that Ron doesn't love me and he deserves to be happy and they will do what he wishes.
Ron's family is nothing like mine, they think getting together 2 times a year is all you need, they don't talk or hang out. We would see them on Thanksgiving when I cooked, and then then week after Christmas for a couple of hours.
They all know Colleen, she was his girlfriend in high school, so I don't think that was very wierd for them.
His dad , step mom and sister have all been in this situation, where they walked away from a marriage without looking back, and so I fear they really wish we would just stay gone.
I swear to you I am trying so hard to be happy and to be satisfied weith this life, again I know how lucky I am to have all I have and to beloved by my family and friends, but I am so empty, so alone.
I can not explain why I still love him, I know I should hate him, all the lies the cheating the plain cruelness, but something keeps telling me that this is not him, that something is wrong and that he will need us someday.
Ihavev a connection to him that goes so deep and I wish I could loose that, I pray it will go away, but it hasn't.
Something is wrong with me , that all I see is the good things we had, the memories of us loving and laughing, and I can't imagine feeling that way ever again and it breaks my heart so completly.
I know what you are saying and that I need to put it away and good things will happen. I see itn everyday with other people, but I fear I am stuck and don't know what to do.
And you miss these people? As I was reading your post I kept hearing the word abandonment over and over--a crowd of people taking turns saying it! Oh, it runs deep through the family--disconnect and indeed where do you fit in--with abandoment there are two sides the ones who do the cutting and the victim. Where did you learn this pain---what keeps you addicted? Now I get why spirit kept saying to me when I answered your other post "why is she surprised" as if you should have expected their reactions. So in that light you have to take responsability for gathering pain---you still have days of old habits. This is not about Ron---you are not kind to yourself--that's why you can't let go. Stop punishing yourself. What's weird for them is how you love him--obviousely they move on with out the kind of loyalty you believe in so yes--where do you fit in---he's divorcing you---in their mind's reference what you are feeling is awkward to them--in fact they can't fathom why you would even want to see them or be a part of the family--you have a different perception of what family means. This addiction to pain and Ron is stealing from your own family--the one you still have--quit sending the message to your sons that it's all broken now because of Ron---and somehow the past is some golden everything--you've lost the meaning of living in the momemt--choosing joy. I know this is harsh--but you need a splash of cold reality--your sons need you to value the family AS IS. Sorry--no pity party today. Have a good cry--break something--take a drive and scream at the top of your lungs but getting dragged into the past and wallowing in victim energy will bring you nothing good. You know better. Take a big girl pill and do the right thing for you and your children. Believe in the future. I've given all I can. It's your choice. Choose love. I've told you he is not doing so well---I can't force you to believe that and it is a waste of my energy to repeat myself. The resposability is yours. I continue to answer you because you have some strong spirit energy guiding you and mostly you have moved forward but this is the worst time to go backwards! You've come to far--believe in the darkest hour before the dawn and deal with itf rom your head not your needy pain gathering heart. Be good to yourself--be the master of your thoughts.
I don't know what to say you are right as always.
I have never felt a connection to his family and it is more that they ignore my boys than about me. I will be happy to never deal withy them again, but I hste4 that they threw my boys away, but they don't mind so I guess I shouldn't either.
I n know I get wheepy and weak sometimes, but through allm of this, this last 2 years of pain I have always had you7 telling me I would be fine, and that Ron would regret his choice and tell me he wanted to try again.
You have told me about certain months that things would happen, you have said he is not happy and that she clings to another man.
You have given me hope for the future when I had none, and I am sorry that I keep coming back needing more, but I see nothing happening.
I have trusted you vision and prayed you are right, and again I am sorry for needing more, it is just you are the only one I talk to about this, and the only one who ever felt the things I feel about what he is doing.
I pray you are right and he tells me someday, but you are right and I must pull up my big girl panties and live without him or any promise.