People in our lives that" feel" like roadblocks
I have a recurring issue. I am often free of it and can often live in a place of unconditional love and acceptance but an ugly old resentment comes waving it's ugly head and I find myself back in a place of bewildered anxt and disappointment.
My daughter was born w/ a disability (autistic spectrum) and is going on 30 this year, lives w/ me and is a sweet girl but w/ many needs I can not help her w/. One of them is her fathers absence. We left him when she was a toddler and he never wanted to have even partial custody or time w/ her when we divorced I've had full custody. He never paid full child support or has been around to "help" her. When she was 17 he stopped his meager child support and after awhile I felt very "free" because the "hook" was gone once I took complete responsibility and not dealing w/ him was sooooooo nice.
I detached as best i could and have tried to remain "friendly" for my daughters benefit and his mother who has been a dear and loving grandmother, tries to keep a familial relationship w/ us and "reminds" him of his duties as a father over the years. But she is currently unwell getting old and losing her memory, her reminders a thing of the past. So my daughter and I have fallen off the map and again this past holiday he told us he would be by to see her soon (this was on Dec 20th) and he never called or showed up.
So the old ugly resentment has re-surfaced. When she was younger I can't count the times she sat by the door looking out the window waiting for him when he was suppose to show up and never did. Broke my heart. She is still hurt by it but has learned never to believe in him.
I'm sure the lesson is acceptance and unconditional love for both of us but it feels like a road block to our serenity and happiness when it happens. I will never understand how he can be so heartless. She is a sweet soul...I could use some POSITIVE words of encouragement tp help me let go ,not care and move on...again. I'm feeling stuck right now.
How do I help her and I be free of his insensitivity and selfish behavior? I am concerned for her self esteem.There's part of me that wants to shake him! WHAT PLABET ARE YOU ON?! But I know even thinking thus is a waste of energy. I would rather be free.
Thank you Pfree
Hi, A lot of these children have special gifts. I would get her involved with the church. Maybe there is something that she excels in. If you explain the circumstance as a story it may help her realize. I would forget him and not dwell. He's not going to be of assistance. What does she excel in.
Forgetting him and not "dwelling" are exactly what I was hoping to get help w/. When he re-abuses her and hurts her it all resurfaces. I just wonder "why" we have to re-experience it. All the promises and continual disappointments. We laugh sometimes cs he keeps repeating the same promise and NEVER comes thru. I think we are both embarrassed for him at times.My mantra is acceptance she gave me that.
Like I said my concern is her self esteem. When she is upset and has a meltdown she cries from a deep place and I know there are abandonment issues there. There was a period a few years ago when he was very ill and because it looked like we may lose him I was able to let go and forgive his unaccountability and saw he just is not father material and that I was the one who chose to have her. I could love him in a familial way and let things 'be"
I have explained to her he loves her in his heart he is just a flake and can't follow thru some men are just children no matter their age that it is not her fault. She knows the best thing to do is just accept it as a given(easier said than done)Witnessing her disappointment is heartwrenching.
I do not go to church I am not a believer in "orthodox religion" the pagan gods speak to me more those of the earth. Jesus was a great guy obviously but the whole xtian thing doesn't work for me altho it clearly serves a great many. I have my animal medicine totems all thru my house. She has hers too. Deer and swan she is a gentle soul for the most part. She has angel cards she uses a gift from her aunt. Spirit is there for us all no matter our beliefs.
But you are right the focus needs to come off him to let go and put on her gifts. Her IQ is low but she is very good w/ children. She volunteers w/ a daycare close by and observing her w/ them is a beautiful and endearing sight. She able to be there for them in the moment and totally present in a special way. Because she is "simple' and her ego is not cluttered she sees them and they know it. Makes me very proud. I rode by there on my bike on my way to work recently and stopped by to give her a message and the daycare owner took me by the hand and pressed on me how much they loved having her. My heart sang! Proud mom moment.
she's learning boundaries in her mind she is the same as them and some of the little 3-4 year olds say things that upset her. See she's different and pick on her. I tell her there will always be a spoilt little shite in the bunch. But she does have a special kind of innocence at times that is awe inspiring. she sees thru those eyes. When we go shopping and are on our bikes(have no car) she sees the doggies and cats and babies and flowers and lights and all the beauty and purity 1st and foremost. She has been an awesome teacher that way.
Thanks for responding. Helping me shift a bit. Worry is a waste of energy.
I have worked with these kids, so I know. They don't call it 'special' ed for nothing. They can heal deep wounds in you, and make you feel whole. They are a true gift. But I have some questions for you. Can you actually do anything to give another person self esteem? Or do they have to find that inside themselves? Can you truly protect another person from any and all pain that comes their way? Regardless of how unequipped they may be to handle it? Are you focusing on her pain and ignoring your own? Can you do anything to change him one bit?
There are healing places. That day care sounds like one. That's why Daliolite mentioned a church. I worked at an alternative school and witnessed miracles. I found a Methodist church that is actually trying to help people get back on their feet. All dogma aside, there are healing places. Where people can forget their differences and pitch in for a common cause. I've found that, in those places, God is there. Love is there. Dwelling in those people, even with the differences in the 'how'. Seek and you will find. Open up.
Thank you. There are many healing places as you say. I'm looking for the one inside myself not a church. I feel more inclined toward Nature and it's Creator not necessarily a book. Altho as I said I can respect those who follow, it is not my choice. I was raised Baptist "fear of God" and all that , Now I just have resistance to orthodoxy. The internal nudge to move away is pretty strong. The Archangel Michael writings I find here are awesome and that kind of delivery I am receptive to. If I could find such a delivery in a church I'd go. Spirit is everywhere I am very open to it. I went to a Unity church for years when my daughter was young w/ a bunch of friends and fellow seekers. The pastor then embraced all religions and had an extremely open service. But he left and it went back to Xtrian Amen and praise Jesus and it stopped working it's magic for me.I am not making it wrong. It just doesn't often Speak to me.
I am open to letting go of my negative thoughts of my daughters father to be free of an old resentment that clearly doesn't serve me and is not a good example for my daughter.I often wonder why I lose the ground of serenity I'd gained and suddenly I'm not in the moment any longer but re ruminating some old wound. Waste of energy . No I can not protect her like I said there are things I cannot help her w/. On some level she chose him. It IS hard to witness tho how he treats her. I have been warning/preparing her that this may happen to a greater degree as/when his mother aged or dies she will not be able to enable him any longer and he will most likely completely disappear. It is what it is.He is who he is.
Thanks for letting me share. I need to find the way of "just" in "just" let go :)...again... I am trying to affirm my thinking to the positive her gifts and not give the disappointment in him so much energy. I know there are things I will never understand.
Thanks for listening.
Hi I suffered from abandonment issues in my life but it wasn't my father it was my mother that chose to go in a separate direction. My father and mother had 6 children together, she left when I was 13. I am the oldest child. After she left she had very little to do with us. She would come and go and make promises she couldn't keep. I understand how your daughter must feel but have hope because you can help her through this. I would have her friends and family tell her in their own words just how special she is to them and how great of a person she really is. To know that you are very much loved by others can help. I know because it helped me. You could always have a party and have her as the guest of honor or they can send her cards that she can look at from time to time. Also don't let her sit by the window and wait for him distract her with some sort of activity that she enjoys or a new one. She may come to realize on her own that he is not dependable. The next time he doesn't show up tell her that your sorry that his life path was different and that it's not her fault even though he loves her. He chose to let you love her for him. Because your the best one to show her the love that he has trouble trying to express himself. Eventually she may stop waiting for him and say to you that she has other things she would rather do. As for helping you with your resentment we cannot change our past, What is done is done but we hold the key to our futures and can change what hasn't happened yet. If I were you I honestly would tell him to stop coming around if he isn't going to make an honest effort to know her. She deserves better than that. I am the same age as your daughter, 29. I speak to my mother sometimes when she calls me. I don't bother calling her anymore. I don't see the point, if she wants to talk to me she will call so I go about my daily life as usual because it suits me better that way. Good luck to you and your wonderful daughter may you both have a great year and find much happiness along the way.
Thank you dear.
My daughter is on the autistic spectrum and believe me trying to "move' her when she plants herself somewhere is no easy feat. She is 175 lbs and a good 55 lbs heavier than me. If she chooses to sit by a window or phone I can't stop her. I do try to distract her .Her whole life I've been making up for his unaccountability w/ entertainments positive reinforcement and such. Showering her w/ my love. But she is almost 30 years old going on 13 and there is nothing I can do but remind her he is just a shmuck. It has nothing to do w/ her. Believe me we have had this conversation many many times. I asked him to leave when she was a toddler, like I said it's a recurring thing usually comes up around the holidays. But in my experience not too many men give from a heart place unless they are getting some kind of pay back. Children like my daughter are a lot of work, Unconditional love is how we deal w/ children like her it is not like other relationships. It's totally unrealistic to expect anything "normal' But he will say things like "have her call me if she needs me" Totally baffles me. Never comes thru. He didn't participate in her education so he does not know her challenges that communication & "reaching out" is almost impossible for her. He's oblivious. I stand by her and prompt her to call him on his birthday and fathers day or help her make cards but as I show her how being considerate is done I also have to subtly remind her he will not react in kind.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I can't imagine walking away. I have known other woman who have shifted gears in the middle of their parenting. Realized they wanted a different life. Parenting is hard. It is not something anyone should go into expecting to be loved in return, gratified by it for it's sake (altho clearly many do) it's WORK. If one could BE love and give from a place of love be willing to guide and steer, put anothers needs 1st and give of themselves easily it would be different. But it's not always easy. That's my goal anyway. Acceptance and to be able to give from a unconditional place. I'm clearly not there yet but am improving!
Thanks for responding.