Feangelikah, "3rd Knight"..........

  • Cat Cat, Thank you for sharing yourself with me. It sounds like you had some awesome childhood memories! I too have an eclectic mind in all areas I think and OH MY Cat; I have vinyls of Peter Frampton, REO, Abba, Heart, Styx, Steve Miller Band and for a short time Alice Cooper came into my music world and I still have School's Out album. I love it. I also listen to the classicals, and I have a teen so...there are few new ones that I GET to listen to...oh my I need new ear plugs lol AS for the tears I have a theory..the energy at the Niagara Falls? the water and energy must come from the prayers, tears and love that we all have to share with each other. Those tears are of joy, sadness and CLEANSING. So let us begin. We should support Nature lol

    Thanks again Cat you really have made me feel honored and loved to share a piece of your life and joys and memories with me. I am being blessed with a ride to town today and my daughter just arrived. I will be seeing you back here soon. Lots of Love and Hugs to you Cat

  • Feangelikah,

    It's me again! I just wanted to share with you that I am about to turn 45. My father is Irish/Scot and my mother German! I guess that makes one of us backwards.

    It is somewhat depressing to be 45 and single heading out AGAIN! DANG will it EVER STOP? I prefer a relationship but a healthy one. A bad marriage doesn't help. My ex and I were married 11 years. He was not my first, so like you too many marriages. That's because we commit. Lots of people go through lots of relationships but don't make the full commitment like you and I do. But we also need to be more discerning this last time because let's face it, tick tick tick.

    OK but I'm not trying to be depressing because what I want to say to you is that I've been single now for 3 years except the bad relationship. It's not that bad. You will be amazed at how well you will sleep when the decision is final, the move is done, and you don't have to worry so much about getting through one of the most painful events of your life. There are good men out there. It's a little more difficult to find them and way too many men are far too sexually forward now. Toss those out and wait for one who looks in your eyes instead of your cleavage. He will come eventually. Of course that's what I tell myself too. I'm getting ready by turning myself into the kind of person I want him to be so he'll want me too when he meets me.

    Bottom Line:

    45 is FINE! I'm doing ok and so will you!

  • Hello my friend, you are starting a new life, don' t look back, look forward. This is my third marriage too, Wish you only the best, here for you whenever, love c,c

  • Hi ladies I am just able to really type again. Too much pain and discord lately. I am still living in his house and still have his rules as I must get some finances together but I must must and must move on. I am trying at this time to not get resentful and angry as I have responsibilities and He has a lot of fun and spends...hold on sorry anger spew. I am impatient today and cannot find my answers as I KNOW I MUST save us BOTH by leaving and yet I care for my mother and I have a 154 yr old son that WILL NOT stay with is father. So I need a 3 bedroom and food, utilities and you know on 1300 a month. HE just bought a 900. dollar dirt bike!!!!! IT IS WHITE OUT THERE! Now who is the MORON? ME! I can't find a way out and of course he won't talk even when I told him here are our choices ..what do you think? NOTHING for 3 weeks now.

    OMGoodnees sorry ladies more anger. Salient I am not biting my bit well Love. Poetic yes SOMEHOW SOMEWAY ...as I know KNOW that Father does not want me here. I made a wrong choice 16yrs ago ...I hope my Karma has been paid up...PLEASE no more. LOLOLOL for real it is laugh or cry or maybe scream and take the counselor to the woods...what do say Salient???HEHEHE

  • Hey Cat you are not going to believe what happened to me so... I was at the Thrift store trying to find a curriculum book for my home-school program and I turned ans seen 2 ....2 books Women who run with wolves and ANAM CARA! I bought both! Thankyou Love!

  • Fe, actually, I do believe it! and, I have kept, "seeing"(hoping, to imagine it......so it "would" be!)and, I am very pleased, for you! Sometimes, we(all) think, we've made" wrong choices", in our lives, when, especially, the results, aren't what we expected, or desired, or are so difficult, hurtful, disappointing, etc., but, maybe, the choices, weren't "wrong" but, a path, or stepping stone to where, we need to be, and more, of a means, or a process to "get there", so first, try that perspective, for one thing, "it"feels much, better, "than a mistake feels, that, can't be resolved, as such, and secondly, it's usually, true! as far as "finances", relocating, etc, start with State resources; like "family/child" welfare; also certain, religions, (Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, I know, do have help/resource, to help, resituate etc., and there, may be others, also) start, with whichever, of these, sources, you are the most comfortable with, research, on line, check out lawyers, legalities, your "entitlements" and your son's from spouse/settlement, etc. get your information, see what your options are, what works best for all concerned, what may be "attractive" to spouse, to keep things amicable, as possible." Karma", by the way(I was surprised...) only means, "action", so, maybe, it's just time to "take some" but this time, "for you/yours" why, be, "a match, when you could be a Lighthouse" ? Hugs Cat

  • Cat because I do not Believe I deserve settlement. That never happens for me or mine. I do not get what is going on as I feel That I am doing what God is wanting. So Why are things not working out? OHHHH>>>stepping stone. I do not need to a lighthouse but free YES. BTW catholic actually Roman Catholic Wait! you mean for resources of what again? no So I am Not involved with the church ; they told me "Shame on you for questioning God" so no Church. I HAVE UPSET THEM TOO. Why ? Cat I do not want to hurt him or make things hard. It does not matter what has been said or done I cannot be harsh why I do not know but he hurts too. A lighthouse I do not ever think I will be. But Thank you. I try but that is what it is...so to speak.

    I am worried

  • Wow dyslexia is my problem or maybe rambling disorder ....I am not too sure right now; just pray for me! I will be fine...too bad that is a 4 letter word.

  • 151/2 years, of your life, and your son, clearly have worth, and, "settlement", is respect, and recognition, of same; "commitment", comes with accountability, responsability, which, the spouse, should, be offering, to begin with, and say, "not buying toys for himself", at this time; Do you "think, God wants, you/your son, to be poor?" I don't, not at all! I think, God wishes, you/all, to do what is needed, to live well, be who you are, be the best you, you can be, and never stop, improving, on that! as far as "churches/state" they have programs, designed to assist, people, woman/children, in your circumstances, to provide, everything,(especially, "The State", which would be my choice.......) from councilling, food, education for youself, affordable housing, youth programs etc., plus protection, and probably, legal guidance/assistance etc., start on line, with state/frederal agencys, who can help you, reinvent, resurrect, your life/your sons life, is your life too. "questioning God"? absolutely! this is why, people have, the kind of brains, they have; we (all) are meant, to qestion, "everything", including that! This is how" we learn", how we come "to know", how we find "our/the way", how "we grow", as Spirits having a human experience, human having spiritual experience, and eventually, the "Unity" of both; that is true freedom, by the way, and true "beginning" of real living/resurrection; the way you value/see yourself, is the way, others, will see you/treat you, so start working, on teaching, yourself, that you are not only worthy, but deserving, and clearly, you deserve respect, and what goes with it! Later! Cat

  • You are so right Cat and Thank You Love. I do not think I should have turned on the computer yesterday..I was not in a good frame of mind. I really don't like the anger feeling. I am so sorry for my attitude yesterday as I realized that all the posts had a depressing.. pathetic note to them. So New day and we shall see. I am trying to see what is out there for me and now I am trying to use the frustration and anger to kick myself out of giving in. Cat thank you for keeping me in "view". I am stumbling a bit but I am making my steps...finally at my age. Ever wonder why God puts up with some of us SLOW learners. I have a useless A.A. Lots of vocational training and STILL no BRAIN lol. I will get there. Thanks again for your love Cat..you are beautiful.

  • yes, you should've, turned the computer on! there is concern for you, first off! and you have nothing to apologize for, either! you are not "slow", just, maybe, need, alittle "redirection", "level, smooth path, is always, a faster track, than uphill/rocky! Be patient, with yourself, and you do have a brain too, and a lot of heart! also! Thank you! Hugs Cat

  • Do you know how hard it is to find souls that are honestly unconditional and Cat I love that I have found that in you. Thank you so much for loving me or redirecting me no matter my tone. Thank you for hearing my heart. For you so have touched it. God is so Good. Angels on your pillows love. I am off to Anam Cara and hopefully some real sleep tonight.

  • sometimes, we all, from time to time," forget to remember" that "hope, faith, belief" in anything/anyone, start, on/in the inside, and first, we must have, hope faith, and belief, in our selves, connect with our selves first; the "rest" is just, "reflection" Thank you, for the kind words! and right back, at you! Hugs! Cat

  • I really am trying to work on the "restrictions" within my weird head. Thinking about "ME" has always been told to me as I am being self-centered...that I need to worry about others and then God would take of me. But it went too far over the years ...let's see if I can pull back this year and take the right turn instead of the left back there at that crossroad. I feel like I am totally staring over at my age...really? This looking inside can really get tough and wow forgiveness of self is soooo much harder than asking others to forgive you. For me anyway. My attitude this month has been. "I am sorry for the offenses and wish I could take them back...but I can't so let's move forward and fix it." So far only 1 is standoffish but we are moving forward. This would be my youngest daughter 21 now. She is so angry that I have stayed with my husband for so long and allowed myself to fall and they too were very affected by this not so nice image of the father figure so I get it. We are doing pretty well right now but she won't be happy about anything I do unless it is her way...lol That is just her right now she too shall grow up one day.

  • your daughter, may appear to be angry, but what is likely, at that angers', source, is likely to be, YOU, deserved "better", than what you got from spouse clearly, whomever else, may have treated you "as, an unappreciated accomadation" and you, for "allowing" it, (your daughter, isn't "old enough, yet, to get, why, that's not "exactly "correct".....which, you know) the "thing" you are working on, that hurts, so much, so hard for you right now! 21, is "young" you know this, so do I! she does not yet, understand, about life/marriage/family etc., etc.,...... remember(I sure remember, how "New" I was, so niave, gullible, etc., and this is her "inexperience, talking", and her "sadness" for you, but you really, need to connect, back to you; find you! "DO you" you (as we all are...) are "Meant" to be your "own person", by Design/by Divine/by Purpose; to be with Spirit, you have to be with Self/self first, then "things" will begin to "come into place" Also, forgiveness, really means, "release", how? knowing what you know now, which things, would you do differently? "hindsight 101", collect, your hindsights, one by one, and transform them into, "new" foresight! that is one way, to forgive, not just yourself, but "All of It/Whom", rather quickly, if you, "exercise" this daily and frequently! and very important, do at least, one nice, special loving thing, for you, JUST you, everyday; you deserve, to be well treated, and it has to start, begin with you; it doesn't have to be "big", doesn't even have to cost anything, but "it" must show, both you and Spirit, that you value, being the "Gift, of You" I am being, "inspired" by you Fe! I am very grateful, for this opportunity, to "chat" with you, in this matter/manner (although, of course, sorry, for the/your circumstances etc., that have brought this about...) and I am encouraged, in my path, to reconnecting, to myself(mine) Thank you Fe! I love, your candor, humilty, and gentle soul! It's trully a pleasure! have, a good night! great week! Hugs! Cat

  • Cat please say an extra prayer for me tonight/today as the 3rd knight is at it again. I think he has seen some of the attitude changes and now is trying to act like NOTHING is wrong here and NOthing was said. He is trying to win me over with a few puppydog eye looks and even gave me a hug for the first time in about 4 months...no exaggerations here and a kiss on the cheek???. THE TEST? break the chain or fulfill the circle? I have to have this strength now ? like right now???? I thought we already had this part of the conversation and once again...do you think it is another way to keep me here or what if he really wants to try? I can't Cat. Not again, not anymore. I don't want to hurt him and yet I can't keep letting me be hurt. Father please help him find love and forgiveness. I need my dragon spine now. Father let my intuition be your voice or please make it all VERY clear to me. I DO NOT NEED TO MESS UP ANYMORE. There really is something wrong with me Cat ...I do not fear being without a man in my life..I only fear the confrontation. I so have to talk to Spirit about this. He has NEVER touched me physically EVER. Why do I fear the yelling and ugly words? They make me unnaturally anxious. Captain said something about my "limitations" not being real. My imagination gets in the way I guess. I really have to meditate on that now. lol

    Please Cat...How are you? The boys? You haven't hurt them yet have you? lol Remember a prayer I have said for years now....Father please touch them BEFORE I do. Amen

    I works for many types of touching...and God is nicer I have a 5th generation wooden rolling pin from Ireland that will outlive at least 5 more generations of cooking as well as scaring the daylights out of the men that are kneading at your last nerve. LOL a little family joke, although I am not so sure my grandmother was joking all the time..she can be SCARY! What is your weather doing? I pray that your week goes well also and Angels on your pillows Cat

  • who are the boys? I don't understand, that; I have no boys; is that a reference, from Charmed's "today, I want to wack......" ? anyway, you, have to decide, what you want, for yourself/yours, first; how do you want to live, and what do you/whom want to live with; spell, this out(literally) on paper; work with your councillor, on this; make "it" like a legal document(also, what you expect, from spouse/you, what you intend from you/spouse, goals/plans, what is acceptable, tolerably, and what will not be tolerated, etc., etc.,.......put "time" into this, and be fair and realistic, then give it to him; this amounts, to renegotiating, "updated, marriage contract, life partnership, redifined, for existing "circumstance/condition", in the moment/present, and what is intended, for the future. Walking away, from somthing, is one thing, throwing it away, is something else, you know this; try, to remove, as much emotion, from all of this, as possible; "emotion", is just a feeling; ask it where it comes from, what it wants (source, the "problems") then, use your "brain" to channel, the feeling energy, into productive thinking, action, by being rational, logical; draw, on your knowledge, experience, look for the "truth". Does 3rd knight, go for councilling with you? make that, a requirement, for continuance, but, in a manner, in which, it is "a request" (please, come with me((you)) , please give this some thought etc.....)this, (all of it....) is in reality, "a problem" extremely large, but still, a problem; all problems, have solutions, and more than one; you/he have to find the solution, to resolve! Hugs! Cat

  • Actually Cat I have a short term memory problem as I get to know many of you on here and for some reason I needed to pray for someone about the boys...RC Dreamer maybe. God knows and I got confused sorry.

    He fought me for years over counseling and then Nov. 24, 09 he said that he wanted me to move out of our room into the guestroom and then say that he wanted to go to counseling as a last resort . He said that he wanted to try EVERYTHING before he quit as 15yrs was a long time to throw away. I agreed but he never said that he wanted me to call and when I asked him if he wanted me to do that he got mad and left the house never saying whether or not he wanted me to check around and make the appointment or not. I assumed he did and made an apt. He got mad then because I spoke to the woman and must have givin her my impression of our situation. He did go though . She said 2-3 times a week for a couple of weeks he said no way. We ended up at 1 time a week and then after 3 visits cancelled...had me cancel. it went like that and contracts made and dates scheduled but he won't do the things I like to do and so we ended up doing his thing eating, and shopping for his toys and dirt bike riding. Yes I let him teach me dirt bike riding! Oh yes and movies at home and more movies and movies. I tried and no violent or racial movies allowed for my sake as I do not even like to watch TV and cannot sit still long enough for a movie...I must pace a bit but I watched and tried to hang out with his friends even the ones that he had been playing with. No cheating though just play. Not once could we hang with my friends..he cannot stand them. Sorry this does not matter Cat I am so sorry.

    We did try and he chose to stop the counseling with no resolve after a broken up 8 months and now we are in limbo again. I live in the guestroom with all my belongings and he honestly only speaks to me or acts like I am there if he is hungry and about his work life at the bar and their lives if he is really worked up about how they are or what they have done this time. He will not speak of us and I cannot fix this alone. I asked him ...if you take us back to a place in our relationship that was good for you and you felt like we were together; when would that be? He responded after some thought When we first got together and your divorce wasn't quiet final yet. Wow I felt like a SL**! All I ccould say was ...wow, I am so sorry. I then went out back and walked my yard asking the Holy Spirit to WAKE me the HECK UP. Am I to stay because it is right and we CAN and WILL find a way to resolve. I feel that there is no WE. He even just told me the other day that he knows I am having a hard time right now and doesn't understand what is going on but wanted a couple of times to give me a hug but it just wasn't there. These are his words and then the hug last night before leaving work and then back to the TV and telling me all the BS at the pub and their home lives and how he is going to open his own bar then I am going to bed night.

    OK, I am loosing it. I understand the commitment of marriage and believe me I do not want to give up This is like giving in to the fact I am not to be with him. I worry about him too though. What really will he do? He is spontaneous and I think insecure even though he acts so tough.

    I have to be the one to make this choice and I am angry that he let's me do THIS alone. There is no fight on his end. That I can see or feel. I do worry for him. for his safety and health and his spirit. Cat I cannot fix him...that hurts so bad like a real pain in my soul deep.

  • I am "perplexed", certainly, you are "EXTREMELY"perplexed; I had Bill, read this; keep in mind we are not "professionals" but, both of us agree, "there is a certain ring of truth" that seems to be missing, hidden agenda, maybe, or not, on the part of husband/3rd knight; it occurs, that perhaps, he may be feeling guilt, for instance, or perhaps, fear, of being (him) alone, or perhaps, "hedging, his bet(s), and here, not knowing him, just, "possibilty" If he is sincere, he should be willing, to workout/resolve "problems/grievances", maybe, if you each, made a list of these things, choose, one/two at a time, and start with the small/smaller ones; they are easier to solve, but give a sense of confidence, progress and productiveness, to the concerns, etc., What about, the "bedroom" business, your things? Is/was this agreeable, to you? Some men, do not "talk" (as you, know) meaning, the don't know how, to express, their feelings, inparticular, their fears; if this is the case, 3times, harder;very difficult; what did councillor recommend, say? I have to go, right now, but I will, check back, in the morning. Try to relax, as much as possible, meaning, quiet environment, "calm" Maybe, for now, just let, "all of this, SET" Hugs! Cat

  • No the moving out of our room was not agreable he literally just said that he thought it was best until we could see if we could figure things out. I think that he should feel guilty about many things that have been done but he seems to have a reasoning for all he does and his reasons are good enough to say he was right. The counselor told him that he was not able to have his cake and eat it too. That if he wants to go play around then go and let me go to enjoy as well. She also said that he will never be able to love me as I wish him too. If he cannot compromise and agree even if to disagree then she could see no way as it does take two to have a marriage. He then got up put the money on her deck and said this should take care of everything and walked out. He drove home very angry and said you see her if you want but this is going nowhere for us. He doesn't want to see another...we already tried it he said. At Christmas he told his brother that he wasn't sure what we were really doing and that we have not really tried to work out anything and he didn't care to barter where we were.

    On a better note I took some time to go visit some of the kids and grandkids last night. It was so enjoyable. I love that people are so different. The conversations reached from set up a time to take the oldest grandson to the river. We draw together. Diabetic recipes for the grand-daughter and talk about the Twilight Saga...go team Jacob....because "grandma , he is sooooo cute" LOL

    Dirt bikes then and when Black ops video game came out ...well that was my clue to go see the next house. lol The next house was all about Mickey Mouse, Spider Man and slaying dragons. My grandsons are the funniest little guys. My T.J. just turned 3 last week and he can shoot spider webs really far from his wrists....he told me maybe I can do that ...when I get big. They went in the bedroom and put down a sleeping bag and then Josef came and said it was my bed right there in between both of the boy's beds and that I could sleep with them forever and then asked me to move my mother and son in the house with them too. They say the sweetest things but really I don't know if I could live with them all the time. Those days may be gone for grandma ... I need some quiet lol. The adult conversations at this house often ends up in such an open , kind spiritual "debate". My son in law is Jewish and has so much to share about the beliefs and he has so many opinions and ideas but he wants to hear how others feel too and he is just intellectually and spiritually fun. My daughter has fought her gifts out of fear and has started taken them in this year openly. So, lots of questions and worries about what is right and wrong. I love it when she "gets" something that God has been trying to teach her. She is so humble .... She too feels God must get a lot of laughter out of us silly people. I am going to leave this situation be for a couple of days and see where if anywhere it goes and concentrate on other life things. Homeschool, my mother ...I get to call doctors and the lawyer's offices. I am the care provider for my mother and she is getting ready for a lot of tests for a possible lung transplant but she is also legally blind and wow only 64 yrs old. She has lived with me now for the last 41/2 yrs. Grandma is living with my aunt ..has been for 25 yrs now. She just turned 90 and the women live forever in my family. We are looking at another 8-10 for her a least! So my mother and i are in this for the long haul. I guess I better do my jobs. Next class for Son starts in 7 mins and meds for Mother in 37 min, go pick up Josef from preschool in an hour and a half. Dang girl I am off for now. My your day be blessed and Cat I was sharing but I don't mean for you to bother yourself with helping to fix. I so appreciate YOU but your hands are so full already.

    So what are you and Bill up to today? Anything fun and exciting? Cat I love you and don't expect you to put this effort into my situation love.

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