Would love encouragement...anyone??? Anyone? Help.



  • I'm sorry for what you're going through too Librachild. Big hugs (((( ))))))



  • My heart goes out to you.There is no greater pain than betrayal by the one you trust and love most in the world. And this person you would look to for support is not available either.. KNOW that this is not your doing, but HIS choice. I think its fair to say he sounds like he accepts none of the responsibility for the drama in his previous relationship. Step back, heal, be kind to yourself he is not ready for growth, trying to juggle you both to feed his ego-be cautious.It sounds as though he was not being authenic-just trying you on for size. Imagine how much worse this could be if you had spent a lifetime of devotion to him only to realize he is not who or what you thought him to be. It shakes you to your foundations and you trust none of your perceptions for a long time.But do hold on to hope, this too shall pass, and everything does happen for a reason. Letting go allows room for your highest good to enter your life. What will be will be don't force it or try to steer it. Wait for the one who will find you.



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  • Well said Watergirl18,

    Good to hear from you. Skinymarink is new to the site and is spreading judgment and harsh condemnations to every forum she posts in. I am so sorry for her pain right now. She should join the "I hate" thread and let some of it out where we will not condemn her for doing so.

    Skinymarink,

    I am so sorry that you feel betrayed right now by your husband and the woman he spent time with. I personally believe in monogamy and too have been hurt by adultery in my past. But we do not OWN our spouses and no one TAKES them. Please try to refrain from attacking people. You are misplacing your anger. It is OK for you to be angry and to hate this pain you are feeling right now. But be wary of wishing others pain and suffering. We have all suffered. To wish those who harm us to "enjoy their lives, having finally shed themselves of the burden, misery, anguish, pain and likes of you and your beloved. And may what you have sown continue to be visited upon you tenfold" is no different than if I said you deserved your husband's cheating.

    Please try to read the threads entirely and carefully before you post. The person you said the above to in the other thread is not the one who cheated. Slow down and breathe. We are here to share, not to berate. We are here to love and accept, not to preach condemnations. We are here for you if you let us be. But attacking us and/or people you don't know is not the way in.

    When we make the basic assumption that people are bad we will never feel safe or good about life. I understand you have had the rug pulled from you, you are angry, and you are reacting right now from that hurt. Please allow us to accept you, love you, and help you talk about what has happened. And please allow me to suggest two books for you. Actually one is for him and the other is for both of you.

    The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman. You deserve a sincere and true apology and until he learns exactly how to meet your needs for this it will never be over.

    AND

    Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson. Try to read it together, a little each night. It will help you begin talking about what happened and how it has made you both feel and it will help him understand how a woman feels when this has happened as well as give you a venue for expressing those feelings without attacking.

    Thank you for beginning to share your pain with us. We are listening....



  • Thank you Watergirl, I was happy to see our post and reminder. I've actually printed out the messages and article you sent and have been carrying them with me to refer to when I start getting anxious about wanting definite answers. I understand I'm not meant to have any right now and just have faith and be kind and loving no matter what. It is a difficult lesson though.... to be ok with not having answers and not obssess and waste the present worrying about the future. I'm trying though and found what you sent very clear and helpful. It just needs to sink in. Thank you.

    Love,

    SE



  • This is tough. Since e-mailing the guy, he has responded that he wants to keep in contact with me too and he knows it will be delicate. He said he likes me and can't explain why he can't be with me. There is no meaningful answer and has something to do with his own self doubts. Anyway, I responded nicely saying it would be hard for me to remain in contact but I'd like that too and I'd have to think about how I want it to be between us and the communication. I don't believe i can see him in person for now as that would be painful but think we could probably talk. I left it at that. No resolution but just sent my best and said that I was going to not make any decisions for us and just see how things went. Since I sent that letter, I didn't expect anything from him more to be honest. Not at least for a month or so. I just hoped he would want to come back but am trying to detach. THAT is the hard part though. I want to remain in contact because I truly like this man a lot. It's just that in the last two days he called ( I wasn't able to answer) and he left no message so I didn't make any reply. Then, the next day, he texted that he wasn't ignoring me....just going through a lot of stress and he hoped I was well. This kind of communication confuses me. I'm trying to guess hi meanings or intentions for contacting me and I know that's not healthy. I've decided to always reply nicely but not to ever initiate contact for now. This is for my own sanity. I don't want him to be unsure about me as he is know. If he is going to come back I want him to be certain. This communication thing is hard to do and detach at the same time and not have hopes when he does contact me. The contact could mean nothing to hij really and I'm putting to much emphasis on it. Any wise words? I keep reading the article and remembering to lovingly detach and see if he steps up to the plate etc. Also, I can't MAKE something happen if the person is not ready. i just am having a hard time with casual and sporadic contact after such a brief but very intense relationship. Any tips for dealing with this? I still want the contact. i just don't want to be controlled by it and have my hopes set up only to be sad if i don't hear from him again for a while. Ugg. Being detached can be very difficult.



  • Just breathe. It isn't a game with rights or wrongs. Follow your heart, respect his wishes, and respect yours too. Don't be controlled or wait by the clock. If he loses you because he waits too long and you are swept away by another, it'll be his loss to learn from. The only thing you can control is your life. Live it.



  • Tkank you Salient Living. A calm voice. I need that. I love the way you stated it too...as if he will lose me by waiting too long. that is how i need to think of it. I've been so anxious over this thing. You are right. I need to let go of this feeling of being so out of control and not understanding why this person has responded as he has. I can't guess and I can't control his behavior. I will also work on breathing.



  • Yes love, you are the pot of gold. It is his loss if he can't even see the rainbow because he's still stuck in the rain.



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  • So you see Argentina in my card?

    Can you do me a favor watergirl? Yesterday I was responding in the Today I Hate thread. Got emotional and carried away by something that happened yesterday. And although others have used that thread well beyond the 'I hate' theme and into many areas of past lives among other topics it seems the goose is not allowed such digression. Could you check it out for me please? Or maybe I should email the whole story? TY.



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  • Stoneye my stro ng beautiful friend. Burnt men are the toughest to get to commit to any one new. What works is patience n allow him his space. always be there and let him know on n off you think of him n that ure still there no matter what may come down. I know patience thing n space at times tends to aggravate us bc when we love, we love deep n we want it like last year.

    if not has 2010 taught me, if i REALLY am patient, allow him space and time to solve whatever it is, and above all, go on his timeframe speed, you will reap the rewards. NOW they may not be huge or large,. but small and significant.

    Im here today to tell you that patience, space, time letting him know youre still there WORKS. Im living proof of that.

    I remain as always your friend my strong beautiful Stoneye.

    Cwb



  • Thank you Salient Living and WaterGirl. Such calm and helpful messages for me to remember. I so appreciate your kind words and support and sanity! 🙂 Love can make you feel insane can't it? Watergirl, I read your advice on the other thread and thank you again for taking the time. I think your message is right on. It's just difficult. I would never want to be in a friends with benefits position though and if this is where that would be heading...uggg. I was just thinking that by sending the note, he would know I still cared for him and the door wasn't locked in case he ever got ready...as opposed to what I told him when he first broke things off which was "never contact me again." I just was expecting him to reflect a little more and not try to initiate contact again so soon. I'll have to restate my point to him a little more clearly I guess.



  • CWB, thank you so much for responding! I'm so happy for you as it sounds like something really wonderful has worked out for you!!??? I know there were a few men you were in contact with at one point. You will have to fill me in! I haven't been around here much lately.

    As for your advice, it does give me hope. Thank you. I will do as you all say and try to just be patient.... continue on and do my thing. Maybe he'll come around again...maybe not....but I have to stop sitting around waiting for him. I don't want to close doors on anyone else who might be coming along. I don't know if he will or won't come back for me. I so wish I KNEW but I don't and for now I have to take him at his word. I'll try to maintain a "loving distance" but also try to move forward. If he does decide ......no let's be positive and say "WHEN he decides to come back then at least I'd have a choice. 😉

    Thanks so much my friend and I'm so glad that things are going so well for you. Would really love to hear more when you get the chance!

    xx



  • Hey stoneye

    Well the small miracles is in the last half years time ive out of blue caught the fireman on the phone, and we´ve had small short middle long conversations. I never believed in a millions years i´d get that lucky. I am convinced it came bc ive shown patience to a good degree, given him space n times to figure out his issues, and ive often let him know im his friend n im here no matter what. That i love n care for him.

    Like u i will cannot shut that door., I keep hearing UNFINISHED BUSINESS. Also i feel deep inside me bonemarrow nucleus dns n dna he and i are meant. i duno how i know i just do. if u feel this with him, dont u DARE give up.

    This mesage of unfinished business n the small miracles of catching him on phone n talking to him, levetates the hope n prospects. So lets huddle together cross fingers n HOPE.

    cwb



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  • Hey SalientLiving! I made a post with your name in the title, you asked on one of my posts how things were going so I just made another thread to let you know how life has been treating me. Hope you have been well! :)!



  • Lots of love salient Living.... thank you so much! 🙂

    x