Would love encouragement...anyone??? Anyone? Help.
I'm so down. I just want to curl up in a ball. You know that heartbroken feeling where you just don't know what to do with yourself? That's me now. I was seeing someone for a few months. From the beginning, we had fun together, made each other laugh, he told me he could tell me things he'd never told anyone, I did the same....I was falling in love. We even spent the holidays together with my family and then his close friends. A few nights ago he drops the bomb on me that he's still in love with his ex girlfriend and that it "feels false" to commiit to anyone else right now. Well, he and his ex are OVER and they had a horrible history that he's had to go to counseling for and none of his friends liked her and it sounds like she was not a nice person. They also ended about 6 months ago and he's had plenty of rebound women in between. He had said prior to me that he wanted to work toward a relationship with me but that it might be slow going as he was still healing. I truly thought I was respecting that and we talked about it when either of us felt uncomfortable. I'm devastated. I thought this guy and I were really compatible and was so excited to have found someone with whom I could talk about anything and whose company I completely enjoyed. It sure seemed he felt the same as he called me every day... sometimes a few times, and texted and e-mailed and we saw each other at least 3-4 times a week. What the heck happened? Did he just freak out? Did he just decide he didn't like me after all? I just don't believe that. At the end of the conversation in which he told me he couldn't commit to me because of an ex girlfriend who is basically a unicorn as far as he's concerned (no chance going back...too many bad things went down there) he said that he was sad because he knew we could probably not remain friends to which I replied (not so kindly) yes, lose my number. He's made up two excuses so far ton text me to see if I want to "come by and pick some things up" (while he's been home I might add) but I stayed strong and said I was respecting his wishes and he could keep my things. They were petty little things anyway. Nothing anyone would miss. I know this was an excuse for some contact but I don't want to be weak and see him or contact him again unless he is ready to at least talk about committing. We are to that point.
Any comfort here? Anyone with insight? Will he miss me? Does he miss me? As they say .... silence speaks .... and will silence and strength of will from me make him feel ready to commit when he's had time to think about things without me living in is coat pocket? It's been nothing more from him since I told him I would not need to come over to collect my things because I was respecting the boundaries he had set. Do you think there is still hope he'll come around or is this guy one to give up on? I'm happy to take just common sense advice too. ANYTHING really. I just so badly need comfort on this one. Really really liked this guy (might have been love) and can't believe he's giving me up when it seemed we got on so well just for a memory??? Help. Anyone???
I claim to have nothing but a heart and I came on to see you post. Honey I have to ask for clarity; how long in total have you been seeing him? A few of months?
I was seeing someone for a few months.
I ask because I fear you may have scared the daylights out of him. I have never known a man to not run for a bit after the commitment talk. If you wanted a marriage talk after a few months then that would be my thought. JUST A THOUGHT and feeling. We women tend to want our knight in shining armor and we want him NOW. The knights shed the armor to run faster! lol
Just an idea but maybe you would look into his fear and your insecurity. Then maybe leave a message or talk to him (better yet) and let him know that you were hurt and said some harsh words and took the boundaries thing a little too far...he did ask you to come...maybe an effort to talk? I believe that you would be wise to accept his friend invite back and work on just being friends if YOU are able to be secure in you alone. I feel that he really does need some more time to heal...as you said..it was a horrible time for them.
I may not always be encouraging love but I do want you to know that my arms really are around you but I will still say Breathe, chin up and look at all angles, and give it some time. I know that depression and insecure feeling of loosing HIM but I just lost number 3 of my knights. I married them though...rushed it and CRASHED! so, please take a little more time and try to talk to him. I think he really just needed an excuse to cause just enough tension to make it all a little easier..not very honest and noble but it happens. Hang in there love and see if we get a reader or seer to help~ hugs
Thank you so much for answering! We were together for two months only but they were two intense months of constant communicaton (initiated by him)
I definitely wasn't pressuring marriage. I made it clear that I just felt that if we were "intimate" we should be exclusive. I think that is fair enough? He wasn't ready for that although I don't believe he was seeing anyone else anyway. He couldn't have been as I was taking up a lot of his time....because he kept asking for me to be with him and spend time with him.
Also, do you think he needs time to heal from his previous relationship or from me before we speak again. Also, what do you mean that he just needed to cause enough tension to make it all a little easier? I'm very curious about that.
So many questions. Sorry. I just really feel lost. Thank you so much for your kind reply.
Also, I'm very sorry about your losing your last husband. So painful. You will find someone else if you want I'm sure. that is what I try to tell myself at least.
You know love this is a choice thing. I am hoping not to loose a friend ..Thank You. I believe that I will be without a partner for ..well ever. I think I am going to be OK with that. It is a time to find me, be secure in who I am not who I think can make me feel all good inside. I am going to learn to make myself happy without a codependent.
Back to you...I think he probably is not healing but running. HE is NOT ready to commit to anything right now. Maybe still some healing from the ex but I really get the feeling he just cannot do this right now. I could so be wrong but I get the feeling that you two are rather young? Am I right? He may not have the communication skills or maybe not the maturity, or get this They really do not like to be the BAD guys usually. So why would this great guy want to make you feel that you did anything wrong? He didn't -he may have just not known ,even at that moment ,that he just got scared and need to say something that would shock the heck out of you and hope he could run. I wonder ... my to be ex told me once that " It has nothing to do with you.I just love her and I am going now." I have to tell you it worked...I was thrown so bad he got out the door, got in the truck and was 3 houses down packing my sister-in-law and her children and belongings into the truck I paid for. He stayed with her for 2 months and it was suddenly over. When in shock IT IS FIGHT OR FLIGHT... It made it easier really when you yelled back about not wanting to be friends...oops spoke too soon love but you may be able to fix that part of the problem. Hugs sweety. Thanks for not thinking me too harsh. My mind seems to be set on getting rid of the s*** this morning. lol
PS This ending just happened this afternoon. So still very knew but You know I think I am going to like the new me. This is a sad ending to a long, hard 15 1/2 yrs of "commitment" so really love be careful.
shadowmist last edited by
Stonyeye - I agree with feangelikah he is running very fast as he is scared. Just accept his friendhip, but continue to enjoy your life and do the things you like
feangelikah - I am so sorry you lost your husband - hang in there I know someone who is meant only for you will come when you least expect it. Remember to put yourself first (taking care of your needs) so that you may give love freely to others when it is right
many blessings to you both
Thank you Shadowmist, I pray you are holding up love. Are you settling from all your trials this week? i so hope so. I will be fine thanks..sometimes Truth hurts but only for a short time.
cat-in-the-moon last edited by
Fe, what happened?Stonyeye, to me, this business, "your man-friend" wreaks, of(his)"hidden agenda". I think, clearly, "myself" included,(BIG TIME!!!) we all have a tendancy, to "believe", "if we, are, "honest", with someone, we feel, "CLOSE/close", to they/him/her/it, "OF COURSE, WILL, BE HONEST, WITH US" It should, be this way, granted, but, regretably, frequently, this is not, the case, and our "trust", has been misplaced, and abused; sometimes, regardless, of our ages, we, all can be quite, "naive", especially, where, personal relationships, close ones, are involved, and then, it is both, painful and difficult, to "see, the forest, for the trees; sometimes, you can't, even see "THE TREE" To me, it sounds, as if, "the person, he likes best, is himself" he sounds, like, a "trophy-hunter", and one with a lot of "baggage", or a lot"of parachutes, escape, mechanisms/crutches "well, you, have to understand: my ex, my"rebounds", blah, blah..no, Stoney, you, do not," have to understand," any of that; all you, have to understand, is, how, does, he treat YOU! and, based, on, what, you've said, WELL....... perhaps, the nicest, thing, he's done for you, is given you an opportunity, "to escape", but, it isn't, "something", you've done; it's something, he is, or something else(grass-is-greener) the way, this" interest," of yours acts(by your, description) is, very immature, seems, to be, quite, self-serving, these, physcology types(if he is....) are what, they are, and, really, don't "change"; as they get "older", they get better at it, and better, at concealing it, "working" it; I like, your horse! I like the way, you talk! others(responding, on this thread)apparently do, to! I don't like your boyfriend, much, and........ anyway, for what, it's worth, "that's, my input! "just saying......Cat
SalientLiving last edited by
Do you know why they say a widow should be in morning for a year? It's because with each passing day or month there are events that were special in that relationship. Memories arrive, welcomed or not. Each birthday, holiday, valentine's day, special occasion brings forth memories we thought were gone when the pain ended. But they aren't gone until they are faced. Christmas is a big one. Your man, and likely his ex too is still morning. He sat at the table and saw a memory of her while looking at you. He opened a gift from you and immediately remembered the gift she gave. He remembered it good or bad, he remembered. She probably did too and though you may not know it she may have sent a "merry christmas, I still miss you" message that really played with his head.
He panicked! He ran! If the relationship with her was abusive, and it sounds like it was he is afraid right now. We don't run from what we don't fear. If he didn't care about you he wouldn't run. DON'T let your ego get in the way right now. It is perfectly OK to ask to be exclusive if you are intimate. I doubt this is why he ran. He ran for fear of his heart because with the good memories came the bad and the memory of what happened the last time he trusted and let someone in.
Consider sending him a card that says you care and truly hope to see him again. Let him know you understand the need for healing and that you support his needs. Let him know you are there for him when he is ready. Then you have to let go and live your life without waiting. You don't want a man before he is ready.
SalientLiving last edited by
I'm with you on learning to accept being alone. This is difficult for me because I HATE being alone. But like you I am trying to accept it and learn from it and find ME. Perhaps this is where a woman's true power comes into play. We are tired of living for everyone else. It's time to live for our selves. Research shows that men live longer and report being happier when they are married. But, women live longer and happier when they are not married but have strong female support. Thus, my focus this year is to increase my circle of female friends and to be OK with just me.
If only men weren't so arrrggggg desirable! I can't help but to love the smell of a man and the feel of his arms.................... arrrgggg, this alone choice is going to be difficult ! .....sigh....
Thank you all so much for your responses. I can't tell you how much ALL of your advice and comfort means. Especially when you are all going through your own things. "Fe", I'm so sorry for your hurts right now and thank you for taking the time o write to me even when you are going through troubles yourself. Truly.
I agree with you all that my guy got scared and ran. I really tried to be pressure free with him so it very well could have been as you said (Salient Living) that memories arose and the fear of trusting someone again. The whole time though I checked with him...are you ok? Is this too much? Do you really feel comfortable spending the holidays together? We can slow down. BUT he wanted to. He had told me as much throughout our relationship that trust was an issue with him after the last time and for me to be aware.
Yes, Cat in the Moon, I try not to judge too much but agree he is self absorbed and self pitying right now. I know him well enough to know though that he does have a good heart though and and maybe truly thought he was could make something work with me. We seemed to be on the way and even my father was shocked after seeing the way the two of us interacted. Dad said it made no sense to him and the guy seemed really into things. We are not spring chickens by the way.... mid 30's.
Anyway, I agree, Salient Living that I don't want a man before he is ready. That is why I told him I could not be "friends". I wonder if he will think of me and turn to me though when he is ready? Or if that will be way too far down the road and he'll meet someone else. I know that is unhealthy to think about and wait for and I'll try to move forward but I just really miss him and can't believe he won't think of me once this "fear and flight" thing has passed and maybe he will regret his decision and want to be with me? I know it sounds manipulative and strategic but I wonder what my best move should be? Give him silence and let him miss me? Will he/ does he already miss me? OR, do as you say Salient, send a card saying I miss him and he can let me know if he is ever ready? Do you think he might be ready and that he did/does care enough or have strong enough feelings about me to turn to me at that point? I don't know if I will be able to be just a friend though and if he'd be able to be one with me. I don't want our relationship to turn into a "friends with priviledges" situation. It's just hard to have a lot of something and then have a little of it but perhaps pure friendship IS possible and is the best strategy?
Sorry. I feel like I'm fishing and asking the same questions again and talking circles. I just want to do the "right thing" for me and for him and to give the relationship a chance if it has any chance of working out.
Thanks all again. For reading ally my gobbly goop, for caring and helping with kind words. I know we've all been here and your understanding and support means so much.
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Thank you so much Watergirl. I'm crying like a baby. What you have written is so compassionate. I have a slight understanding of what you mean but will probably have to re-read several times to understand better. I truly don't understand what issues I need to deal with but I wish I did. Maybe it's pride? I don't want to make myself vulnerable to someone so shut them out when they discourage me? My past relationships have always been unequal. I didn't mean them to be that way but I've been the one in control. I called the shots. I didn't like that and lost respect for the men and specifically asked spirit to meet more challenging men...or rather ... more equal relationship that made me think and work. A 50/50 thing you might say. I thought I had achieved that state with this man. I will try writing to him and communicating my thoughts/needs but am afraid that I am making MYSELF seem weak and groveling. I will do it though and and then let it go from there. What is right for him and right for me will happen in the long run I suppose. I'm still holding out hope that he will work out and am afraid that by communicating, I am letting go of control and giving him the power to "reject" me again. Or that I am being pushy and will turn him away further. But it sounds like you are saying I should do what I truly want and not play games or try to control the situation through being passive?
Thank you again for your words of encouragement and kindness. Sometimes, it is hard to believe there is a reason for this hurt and that there is growth behind it because I'm having a tough time seeing where the growth is required. I will also try to believe that if this does not work out, there will be something even better in the future. It's just hard to see now when I'm feeling pain. I agree though, I need to feel the playfulness and joy again. I'm having a tough time with discernment too. I'll think about it some more.
Thank you again for taking the time and for the thoughtfulness, kindness and gentleness of your response.
Watergirl ... That was so touching and powerful...it made me cry...lol Thank you for being open and sharing. ~
Stonyeye.... I think you are going to be fine too love..you can do this! ~
Salientliving...I am not sure if Spirit has been preparing me for this behind my back but during this yr in the guest?/storage room..THOSE desires are gone...really? I wonder if that will ever come back. It really is nothing anymore. Not even the smell of colognes. HMMM no triggers..ok easier for me I guess lol
I am making this year my "ME" year. I am beginning to feel like really feel the energies again ALREADY! I literally feel a humming vibration just below my skin and my computer has been a pain in my backside. I have to talk to someone about gifts and electronics...I cannot afford a new pc! I feel I was brought here to connect with others that will not mock me too much for my beliefs or misunderstandings and questions. I am finding female companionship here and I am really liking the souls here. I will be well as long as I remember to breathe and listen to the music. The music sure pulls me through....what an awesome creation!
HUGE HUGE HUGS to all of you and Stony...you are not alone love
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luminouslauren last edited by
Happy New Year Sweet Friend Watergirl....
It is so nice to be here again....I have had a rough few months, which included the last breath of my computer....I still don't have one of my own, so I will be here off and on.
I have missed you !!! I have only read what is just above me and I must say , my sweet friend, something amazing has happened to you. You have risen to a beautiful, etheral level. You were wonderful before...but this ...... I can FEEL my heart opening, just reading your words. I cannot wait to read all that I have missed . I have a feeling that this is just what the angels ordered.
Thank you again Watergirl. So much..... for the guidance and also the article. I just sent off a very gentle and loving e-mail. I wrote it so that he would not need to respond with some "answer" since I don't think he knows what he wants now anyway and also made it clear that he could take his time, if he wanted to respond at all. With that done, I will now try to do what you advise and detach. I can't control how he responds and must have faith that the universe will provide all that I need and or wish for if I take actions to help myself (but also relinquish tight fisted control) once all is said and done. Thank you for making that all so clear. I've printed the article and will read it a few times.
I had no idea that January 4th will be so significant. Do you have any suggestions for making the most of that time? Or.... again....is it more of a mindset......a trusting in the universe that all will be well?
Lots of love
Librachild last edited by
Watergirl18- I really love the advice you're giving on this thread. Since you do readings, do you think you can read my heartbreaking problem, it's on "I'm Heartbroken", and SalientLiving has been giving me great advice on it (I'm still so looking forward to Monday, SalientLiving, see what's going to happen on Monday). I'm Libra (10/19) and he's Cancer 6/26). I'm like Stonyeye, just devastated at this stupid and meaningless breakup!