MariaRia - Hi!
Haven't seen you on in a while and I've always wondered what happened between you and your Cancer man? Did you move on? I feel like this was a story without an ending, lol. What's the update?
Hey, Lady!! Yah, I dont remember what happened between me and this forum...I stopped coming on here for a while.
Anyway, a LOT happened between us, but in the end he was always 'not ready'. So, I ended up finding another job. I quit the restaurant, and he hasn't contacted me since. I made three little attempts at communication within the first 3 months, which he responded to with lightning fast reflexes (like...inhumanly fast) but he never like...really took the conversations anywhere or ever mentioned hanging out. I quit around.....4 months ago? I visited the restaurant about a month ago, and he was there, and he came up to me right away and paid WAY more attention to me then I thought he would. He did all the typical 'J' things...got jealous of the attention I was getting from the other guys, got pouty at me when I told him I'd been in his area (and obviously didnt let him know) and also, the typical J acting nonchalant. And, typical of me, i called him out on not keeping in touch. He told me he hadnt been keeping in touch with a lot of people (which actually, tarot readers who have read for me told me that too).
So...yah. Basically, I've been dating around (all failures...I hate men, LOL) and if he decides he's going to man up before I get swept away by some other dude then i'd be open to being with him. But, until then I'm living life my way.
How about you, hows the Virgo??
Wow, so nice to see you here, it's like running into an old friend. Well, the "Heart of a Virgo Man" thread is still active with about 800 posts, so there ya go, lol. I thought I'd finally had enough and changed the relationship about six months ago. Told him I'd always be his friend, but I needed to move on. Long story about how I got to that place (it's all in the thread if you're interested and have a couple of hours to get through it). But the trouble is, we just missed each other. So we kept in touch via e-mail and phone through those six months and I just saw him a few weeks ago for the first time. One day out of the blue he asked, "so when am I going to see you again" and right then we turned the page to the next chapter. We got together and just talked for a couple of hours and it's just like I saw him yesterday. We really do just get along so easlily.
So we keep making plans to get toghether again and it keeps falling apart (oh things are just so complicated when you have to work around a marriage, lol). It's disappointing when the plans come undone, but I don't get as crushed as I used to. I still do, but I work my way out of it better. I think I'm pretty open to finding someone else, but like you, I just haven't found anyone that really does it for me. So the time passes and here we are nearly two years later, still with whatever this is going on.
The six months apart was good for me though. I needed to focus on work and I was able to do that without all of this emotional stuff distracting me. My concern about getting back into seeing him is that it will pull at me emotionally again, but things do seem to be different that way as well. I was very honest about my feelings with him when I told him I wanted to move on. Made it very clear that it wasn't because I didn't care, it was because I cared too much and not being able to have a real relationship with him brought me too much hurt. I tell him quite openly that I love him and I don't care if he wants to hear it or not. There's no question in my mind that he cares about me. Maybe he even loves me, but I don't think he'd say it unless he's ready to do something about it. His family situation continues as it was before and he says he's "coasting right now". But in talking with him I could see the stress as well. I don't know Maria - it sure seems to me that at some point the whole thing has to blow up. His kids are old enough now that they see the dysfunction and are openly questioning things as well. His illusion that he has been sticking things out in his marriage for the sake of his kids is falling apart as he realizes that he can't hide from them what they live with everyday. But see he came from a divorced family, and his biological father never came back around, and so he has his own illusion that life would have been different if his family had been together. Life would have been different if his father would have made an effort to build a relationship with him instead of walking away. As I've told him all along, it's not about the situation, it's about the relationships between people. That's all there really is.
So I don't know - we'll just see what happens here. Maybe he and his wife will split or maybe someone wonderful and available will come into my life. I still have many days where I think, "hmm, do I really even want a serious relationship at all?" Because quite honestly, I'm not sure how I'd fit it into my life with kids and work and I do love my quiet time too, and having my little world just the way I like it. I've been doing my share of introspection in my time outside of the emotionalism he stirs up in me, making sure that I'm clear on what I really want. Because it has occured to me that if his situation really did blow up, things could change in a hurry. Am I prepared for that? If I meet some terrific guy tomorrow, am I really ready to bring that change into my life? Like I say, so easy to get caught up in the emotions and neglect to think beyond that. Frankly, I am a person who likes a lot of space and I've gotten quite used to doing whatever I please and not answering to anyone, so I don't know. Much to think on here.
Interesting about your Cancer guy. I wonder what he's got going on inside that has him so preoccupied and disconnected from people. It must be deep because he's been at it for so long now. Maybe if he ever snaps out of it you two can get something going. It really sounds like it's bigger than you though, something he needs to work out, so I'm glad you just carry on. You fiesty Aries people are all my hero's the way you just move right along!
Let me know if you ever want a reading, that was fun sharing readings. Nice to have you back for a while!!
Now that you said that, do you think your subconsciously going for this unavailable guy because he DOESNT take up a lot of room in your life? Like, you guys are doomed until he gets divorced...this has been proven time and time again. Is that what you want, deep down? Reflect on that. You may just, subconciously, not want to get too involved with someone because you like your Cancer Space.
This seems to be the problem with 'J', too. Not only is he terrified of investing himself emotionally into anyone, but i think the major thing is he doesnt want to give up his time and freedom unless its THE ONE. And since he's so scared to give up that space, he's going to fight THE ONE as long as he can. But, i think part of his problem is he had a warped perception of what that girl would be. He was looking for perfection....but its hard to say what his perfection was. I think that that 'perfection' was also just him trying to delay the inevitable. it all comes down to fear of really giving yourself, or fear of letting go of the life you have.
in any case, ive gotten a few readings and the cards say he's REALLY missing me, and that he knows me leaving the restaurant was because of him (because partly it was. We had a bit of a 'moment' together, where once again he told me he couldnt be with me. So I said "fine, i guess I should quit then. Thats the only way for me to stop feeling for you." I actually did have the intention to quit, but i wasnt going to unless I had another job....and then, BAM. I got another job, LOL.
So, I guess its just a sense of waiting for him. Or, finding someone else
Im glad to hear your in a better space with your Virgo. It's hard to find another guy, though, when you've got one in your life that you like and that you compare to all the others.
Truly I can't disagree that if I saw a bit more of Virgo that would probably be just enough for me at this point in my life. I don't think I'm "afraid" of a relationship and there's nothing subconscious going on - it's very conscious on my part. It really will have to be the right one before I would commit myself to giving up all my Cancer space as you call it, lol. Remember, I'm three years out of a 16 year relationship. Much as I enjoy a nice companion, I have no delusions about what happens when you're with someone night and day. I've wondered sometimes if Virgo thinks that if his situation ended he'd just move on in and I know I would be like, "well hold on a minute there - don't you think you should live on your own for a while..." So I totally see your point, but I can't help but be realistic somewhere in all of my emotionalism (I learned that my moon is in Capricorn - looking at my life, that explains a lot, lol).
I understand what you're saying too about having someone in your life making it hard to find another guy. Well, maybe and maybe not. I met a guy in July who was absolutely awesome. I was out with my friend and we stopped in a local bar where they have live music. It was very crowded and we hadn't been there two minutes when this guy approached me and said if we would join him he'd give me his chair. Aww, chivalry is not dead. I don't know what attracted him to me, but he was right, we just had so much fun. We talked until 3 a.m. If I weren't getting so old I think I could have talked all night to him. But the problem was, he lives in another state. He was here visiting friends. There was that moment of "what happens next...." and we just hugged and said "goodnight". I can't leave here because of my situation with my children. He has four children, similar in age. It is what it is. The long distance thing sounds really romantic but in reality who really wants that? So why try to start something. Anyway, the point being, I know there are some great guys out there - if another one comes along and he's closer to home, well, I am single after all...... I'm really picky anyway, so I'm used to long stretches between finding guys. I'm also not an easy personality to get along with long term. I really do need a certain amount of space and freedom to do the things I need to do to find life fulfilling. I don't like answering to anyone or being told what to do. It's easy to say that most people are the same way, but I do believe most people have a better tolerance for it than I do.
That's crazy how you told Cancer you were going to quit and a job popped up right away. That's good really. You still have contact in case he comes around and yet you don't have to think on every little thing that goes on with him like you did before. Sounds like a good situation to get to know him in a better way.
OH MY GOD...I LOVE IT!! Hahaha seriously...not having to get jealous, or annoyed, or angry...Love.it.
I couldn't take all that anymore, I really couldn't. And I knew myself, and how much I liked him...it wasn't going to go away on its own. it kind of makes me feel like things were meant to happen this way, that it all just fell into place like that. He needs to be able to "miss me", really, to ever snap out of it and get into gear. If thats what he's ever going to do. "You dont know what you got till its gone". Not only that, but dating has been fun. Honestly, its as you say....there are SO MANY good guys out there. It's just, you have to put yourself in a place to find them.
But dating is not easy...its almost like finding someone your attracted to and have things in common with is the EASY part. My whole life, I thought that was the hardest part....now, the hardest part is getting it past the first date. Like, there's so many factors....my problem, mainly, has been emotional availability. Every guy out there is a "J"....they never want to commit, or give up their freedom. PLEASE. Actually, one guy who had so much potential just wanted me to be his Playboy Playmate...what a waste. He was very attractive, intelligent, driven, forward, and honest....and also, not wanting any kind of a relationship what-so-ever. He was never married, and didnt have any kids...whats his excuse? Oh well...next! LOL.
This post is deleted!
Wow Maria, I'm thinking that you are much younger than me and what a sad comment it is on the men your age if they are falling into a pattern of general non-commitment. But maybe women are too. We see such a small slice of personalities on this forum - it seems that nearly everyone here is generally about seeking fulfilling relationships or seeking themselves - perhaps we are all in a bubble here and the times they are a changing. It will go on being a challenge. Do people get hurt once anymore and just shut down? I've loved and lost enough times that I understand that relationships go through cycles as we get to know each other and figure out whether it's something that will last or not. Is our society getting so comfortable with "instant gratification" that we've all lost our patience? Just thinking out loud here.
I see your point about the finding is easy, the rest is hard. I have a friend who dates different guys by the week. She finds them on the dating sites and thinks it's all just great. I suppose I could do the same thing. But I see already that she can't seem to settle down now, always wondering who might be right around the corner. She says if the right one comes along she'll stop, but I'm not so sure anymore, this seems to have become a hobby - or an obsession, lol. It started as a way to end her unhappiness over not having a relationship following her divorce. Now she still has no relationship but an endless distraction from that. Is it right or wrong - I don't know, but it doesn't seem like it solves the real issue for my friend. If no one is calling her she spikes into angst over it and goes "shopping" for some new attention.
My biggest challenge (aside from time factors because of work and parenting responsibilities) is finding ways to meet quality men. It has everything to do with where I live. I was raised in a large city, so I know the difference. It takes a lot more work to find things to do, and places to go, where I might actually find those opportunities to meet new, available men around here (or even women for that matter - I'd love to enlarge my circle of female friends but I just find so little in common with a lot of women and I've never had a large circle of girlfriends). As you say...oh well...LOL. We just stay open and stay optimistic, right!
Uh oh....I can see how its easy to get addicted to the online dating world. Thats where I found my last date, actually. I can't believe I signed up, but I thought....why not? it's an adventure. Well, I can tell you, the odds are the same. I think 115 guys sent me emails (not kidding) and I was only interested in 3 of them. Yah. But, I think I've suffered enough stupidity not to get too into the 'dating' scenario. I'm definitely willing to stop when I really click with someone....and I think your right, I think the times are changing. I've been watching a lot of old movies, and back then dating was sweet and simple. You just did not sleep with each other until you were married. And because of that, EVERYONE was looking for "Mr.Right" or "Mrs.Right". But, these days, everyone gets whatever they want whenever they want.....why settle down and "miss all the fun?" I'm not sure how I got shuffled into this old fashioned mindset when everyone around me seems to think differently. I'm pretty young, for sure....mid twenties Guys my age are jerks, plain and simple.
You know....I'm wondering if your right. The pattern I've noticed (with men at least) is this: When they're young; 16 - 18 usually, they get their first girlfriends. Normally,these are long lasting relationships. Then...not surprisingly since they're so young, the relationships fall apart. For some reason I never understand, this seems to destroy almost every guy it happens to. Now, all of a sudden, they're "anti-relationship" and just want to live for themselves. And their logic is "well, If I'm not gonna marry these girls, why the hell should I commit to them?" it seems that they think its a waste of time and energy to get emotionally attached to someone only for it not to work out. So, they go on living life flippantly until they feel they're at the stage in their lives where they're ready to potentially get married. Thats when they start looking for "Mrs.Right".
I don't know.....whats the point? Like, if no one ever has any real relationship experience, how is that relationship with 'mrs.right' going to work out? We're doomed as a race, Jen. Doomed.
But yes, stay optimistic I find things happen when you arent looking for them, so....it's really all you can do. But, as for you and finding someone....I'd suggest giving online dating a try. But go to a serious dating website, DO NOT go to like..."lava life". CREEPOS! The one I went to was good: Match.com. There's a lot of business men on there who just dont have time to meet anyone, or people who are new to the city and need to meet people and make friends.