Rough Patch....need a reading, please?
My DoB: Aug. 7, 1980
His DoB: March 16, 1980
We met at a trade school almost three years ago. We spent a little time together there then he was jailed on charges relating to drug abuse (he'll have been clean 3 years this summer, he says. I'll bring that up again later). We moved in together almost right after he got out, after corresponding by letters and a few visits. We were married the next spring, just over a year after meeting. Things were never the greatest, and I have suspected almost since we were married that he wasn't physically attracted to me. There was lots of fighting, often due to my emotional disabilities. This spring, for our two year anniversary we renewed our vows at my grandfather's church in a small ceremony (we'd been married at the courthouse before, and my family had not been able to attend). I thought everything was looking better at that point, even though over the winter I'd felt he was avoiding me.
It was in May and June that things started really getting bad. We moved to a camper at the religious camp he was working as a dishwasher at. Both months we worked together to work out a budget, so that things would be alright. I went off the budget a bit but told him what happened and why and we worked the budget back out. Both months we ended up with bounced checks because he was hiding some of his spending from me. To this day I don't know where that money went. At the time he wasn't even smoking cigarettes (I'm very sensitive to the smell, I would have known). He said he "just wanted extra cash in his pocket". When I asked, he wouldn't even let me look over the account online (it was in his name) until I literally turned the computer and saw the extra withdrawals.
Later in June, he started smoking again, and I suspect, though he still denys, that it wasn't always just cigarettes. The fights got worse. My anxiety had kicked in and I barely wanted to leave the camper as I was very uncomfortable with the people at the camp. He told me he was "sick of making excuse for me". I found out at the end of the summer that he told my best friend he had indeed been avoiding me last winter. He denies that too, but she has no reason to lie about it.
We've grown more and more apart over the last few months. I've been ill, he's shown some concern, so that was alright. Last month I told him I want a divorce, then agreed to go to consoling and try to save our marriage. Then did something really stupid financially. I never technically lied about it, just didn't mention it to anyone until I got caught. It didn't involve him, but another family member, and I'm paying them back without involving him. I got kicked out of the house we live in because of it (though after a day things cooled down and I was allowed back) . He decided that though I was kicked out, he was going to continue staying here, with my family. He said he "couldn't trust me". The next morning when he called to tell me I could come home he acted like nothing had happened.
We're both still staying with my family at this point, but in separate rooms. He says he still wants to work things out but I'm not sure at this point....
If anyone could offer a little cosmic/psychic/tarot/whatever insight on this, it would be much apreatiated.
This relationship is better at competition than it is at love. Since it has the effect of stimulating each partner's drive for independence, it is questionable whether you two will be able to sustain a lasting relationship with each other. This combination rarely has a calming or settling effect on each other and may feel little need to share with each other to any great degree. It is possible however for you two to evolve a rivalry that in a strange way can bring you closer together, in space and time if not emotions, than any friendship or love affair could.
You Lose2Live are fascinated by your partner's philosophical and independent thinking and he can be equally intrigued by your commanding social and professional stance. Such admiration often leads to competition, with each partner benefitting by emulating and even seeking to outdo the other's strengths or feats. You must both be careful to prevent a tendency to try to win at all costs from getting out of control. Your partner may seek to undermine your strengths and turn them against you.
The question in a love affair or marriage is how much time and effort you two are willing to put into your relationship. No matter how much in love you may be, your relationship encourages you to value your independence more than your desire to share or even take from each other. Underlying this mania to be free may be a secret fear of getting too deeply involved with each other. If this fear can be overcome, renewed involvement and commitment, and less insistence on freedom at any cost, will result. Independence isn't always necessary to be happy.
You Lose2Live will have to overcome some self-absorption to make this relationship work. On the other hand, you must also give up your tendency to sacrifice for others. Find a healthy balance between the two. You have this obsession with seeking out the kind of partner who is the least likely person you would ever wish to be with because they aren't polished or are bad-mannered or broken in some way, just so you can be the 'general' who can get them to spit-shine their shoes and salute when you walk in. Or you can do the opposite thing - give yourself over to your crush, then reject him for not being what you 'really' need in another person. You are a definite marrier - it's just that it's hard to commit when a) you expect your spouse to drop out of your life at any time or b) you're already deeply commited - to yourself. But it doesn't have to be one extreme or the other. You can get so obsessed about being with someone that you give yourself up and forget that you too have a life of your own. You don't have to keep such a tight rein on someone for fear they will run away with everything and leave you high and dry and out of control. On the other hand, you can't let other people run your life into the ground because you don't want to seem controlling, either. See what I mean about finding the right balance?
Your husband has problems with trust and feeling like a victim, always looking over his shoulder through his fear of being attacked from behind instead of watching where he's going. He must take responsibility for his own disappointments and bad decisions and weaknesses that have led him down the wrong path. He has this naive and unrealistic desire to preserve his 'innocence' or 'freedom' through believing he has no power in his situation so there's no need or point to take action. Escapism through drink, drugs, sex or food is also a big danger. Your husband can get so obsessed with his own interior visions that his fantasy-strewn inner life affects his ability to work and function on a daily basis. If he can stay grounded through respecting his body and connected to spirit through his deep reservoirs of emotion and compassion (combining his mystical side with his inherent practicality), he will do well in life. By overcoming his need to be needed and developing a need to share himself, his life journey and relationships will become so much easier and more fulfilling.